I'm considering breaking up with him, but I love him, so it sucks.

[zilverenvlinder]

I didn't even want to get in a relationship at first, but that's how it always happens, right?

 

We started dating last November/December, and it was a rebound. Ever since we started dating I've been walking on eggshells around him because I don't want him to think I'm "crazy"...which I am. :-) (Diagnosed type A bipolar 6 years ago..he has no idea.)

 

...one of the reasons my ex broke up with me. Because I'm crazy, I'm a crier, and a fighter.

 

So subconsciously, I started setting up this little "schedule". I would see him during most of the weekend, except Sundays, and Wednesdays. That's it. I didn't want him to get sick of me or think I was clingy, even though I would see him every day if he wanted to. During this almost year that we've been together, I think I've cried in front of him ONCE (even though I tend to cry QUITE often) and I've picked one, tiny little fight with him...even though there's a lot of fights I could pick.

 

I have never, ever looked at his phone. He has a Face book and Myspace and I've never even SEEN IT...because I am sooo afraid of what I would find because of my past relationship... ( I found out my ex was cheating on me by looking at his Myspace he forgot to close out...one of the worst days of my life.)

 

It's exhausting. Every single day I fear that he's going to drop me like a hot potato like my ex did. I am SO CAREFUL of every thing I say. He has no idea who I am because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid he'll know how "crazy" I am.

 

He's not a bad guy, either. He's never yelled at me or put me down. He ALWAYS includes me in his weekend activities. But on top of that, he's never told me he loves me, either. I definitely love him, and I don't want to. If he loved me, he would tell me, right?

 

If you've been with someone for almost a year, aren't you supposed to be exchanging I love yous? I don't know.

 

It's really depressing because it seems like everyone around me has these relationships where they fight and stuff but they still tell each other "I love you" and they see each other more than we do, and they move in together and talk about marriage and stuff. It's starting to make me feel inadequate, like I don't deserve any of that stuff.

 

Our sex life is pretty shallow too, if you're interested in knowing. About half the time we have sex he can't finish. I don't know if it's because he smokes a lot of MJ, which he does, but lately he's been turning off the TV too while we do it too, which I don't know if it's a reflection on him not being attracted to me and not wanting to look at me.

 

Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships and it makes me sad, because I just want to find someone who loves me.

 

What do you guys think I should do? It's a pretty sad situation for me but I get so nervous about everything that it's hard for me to change my ways.

[Ilovecake]

zilverenvlinder I swear if I didn't know any better I would say you are dating my ex. Haha

 

I have problems with depression and panic attacks so I know how you feel? Have you gone to therapy? With the right medication and counseling, you will not feel crazy. I have the same fear that I’ll start dating someone and they’ll find out hat I’m crazy but truthfully I think that’s just what guys like to put in women’s heads. It’s so much easier to say a girl is crazy instead of admitting that they are in the wrong.

 

Here is my advice from my own experience. First of all you will never be happy in a relationship where you can not be yourself, no matter how hard you try. Believe me there are many guys out there who will not make you feel like you are crazy.

Secondly sounds like you are not getting the commitment from this guy that you are giving. If you expect after a year a certain amount of commitment from a person and they are not willing to give it to you than you are in the wrong relationship. You can’t force someone to love you.

 

You either have to be very straight up with this guy or you have to let it go. You have every right to tell him how you feel and what your relationship expectations are. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

[AriaIncognito]

To the previous poster, great name! ILoveCake hehe. Awesome. I too, love cake. :-)

 

Secondly, to the original poster...

 

There is no time frame on I love yous. For some people they come easily. For some, not as much. For some, you can see it in their actions well before you hear the words. For some, it's never seen.

 

I've been in relationships where ILU was stated in a month. I've been in relationships where it's taken much longer (i think my recent R it was around the year mark or maybe even a month or two over).

 

The problem is, we are all different. We all express our feelings differently. I'm one to blurt it out if i feel it. Some people don't feel that free. I think you need to look at how he treats you, in order to really determine if he loves you.

 

About the "crazy" thing....you need to fess up, and fast. You don't date someone for a year and hide something that huge. If he wants to be with YOU then he wants to be with YOU. Crazy or not. Sometimes, I look at my own irrational behavior and wonder how the H my bf puts up with it. I wouldn't want to put up with it, if it were happening to me rather than by me. However he stays. Why, I'll never know. Maybe he likes my craziness. Maybe your bf likes yours. You need to be yourself in a relationship. You can't just let them into certain aspects and not others, because that's not giving of yourself fully. Why be in it half a$$ed? If you're looking for something to last forever, you want it to be built on solid ground, not a fault line.

 

So..fess up and see what happens. If you love him and want to express that love, tell him. He may or may not say it back, but that's a reality you'll then know exists, and you can then make decisions from there.

[hoping2heal]

I didn't even want to get in a relationship at first, but that's how it always happens, right?

 

We started dating last November/December, and it was a rebound. Ever since we started dating I've been walking on eggshells around him because I don't want him to think I'm "crazy"...which I am. :-) (Diagnosed type A bipolar 6 years ago..he has no idea.)

 

...one of the reasons my ex broke up with me. Because I'm crazy, I'm a crier, and a fighter.

 

So subconsciously, I started setting up this little "schedule". I would see him during most of the weekend, except Sundays, and Wednesdays. That's it. I didn't want him to get sick of me or think I was clingy, even though I would see him every day if he wanted to. During this almost year that we've been together, I think I've cried in front of him ONCE (even though I tend to cry QUITE often) and I've picked one, tiny little fight with him...even though there's a lot of fights I could pick.

 

I have never, ever looked at his phone. He has a Face book and Myspace and I've never even SEEN IT...because I am sooo afraid of what I would find because of my past relationship... ( I found out my ex was cheating on me by looking at his Myspace he forgot to close out...one of the worst days of my life.)

 

It's exhausting. Every single day I fear that he's going to drop me like a hot potato like my ex did. I am SO CAREFUL of every thing I say. He has no idea who I am because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid he'll know how "crazy" I am.

 

He's not a bad guy, either. He's never yelled at me or put me down. He ALWAYS includes me in his weekend activities. But on top of that, he's never told me he loves me, either. I definitely love him, and I don't want to. If he loved me, he would tell me, right?

 

If you've been with someone for almost a year, aren't you supposed to be exchanging I love yous? I don't know.

 

It's really depressing because it seems like everyone around me has these relationships where they fight and stuff but they still tell each other "I love you" and they see each other more than we do, and they move in together and talk about marriage and stuff. It's starting to make me feel inadequate, like I don't deserve any of that stuff.

 

Our sex life is pretty shallow too, if you're interested in knowing. About half the time we have sex he can't finish. I don't know if it's because he smokes a lot of MJ, which he does, but lately he's been turning off the TV too while we do it too, which I don't know if it's a reflection on him not being attracted to me and not wanting to look at me.

 

Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships and it makes me sad, because I just want to find someone who loves me.

 

What do you guys think I should do? It's a pretty sad situation for me but I get so nervous about everything that it's hard for me to change my ways.

 

Zlinder, your post really touched me. I am not bi polar, but I do have ptsd and was sexually abused growing up, for that reason I always felt "unlovable" like I needed to put on a front and act out relationships,interactions etc., rather than be in them. I was hidden so deeply that no one ever really knew me. That's changed now as I've begun therapy for the past year, etc, I have someone in my life who knows and has witnessed "me being crazy" and he still loves me, and doesn't treat me any less.

 

You are made to have relationships, but you will never have a satisfying one until you take a risk and expose your real self, no one can have the chance to love and accept the real you if you do not allow them the opportunity. Being bi polar is not your fault, it is not because of anything you did, and people tend to throw around the word "crazy" a little too casually. There are good and wonderful qualities about you and again, being bi polar cannot even be categorized as a "good or bad quality" because it is a condition you have no control over.

 

Your responsibility in the matter is to take care of yourself and do what you can to stay healthy to the best of your ability, that is what I do; and everything that happens beyond that is out of my control, and my partner has been extremely loving and supportive of it, and believe me there have been some embarassing moments, but he never has made me feel like I should feel ashamed.

 

You shouldn't have to live your life "on a schedule" and "act by act" but only you can make the decision to stop doing that, if someone does not accept you because of it? GOOD RIDDANCE you LITTERALLY do not need people like that in your life anyway, the most rewarding thing I have ever come to know, is having someone love me when I know they know who that really is. Every ugly, or embrassing part of me, he knows and accepts me regardless. I've never had that before because I've never felt safe with anyone like I do with him, but it still took me taking a risk and it paid off.

[zilverenvlinder]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I really needed to hear some of that and it seriously made me cry. LOL. Not like that's a surprise. Thank you sooo much.

 

hoping, I really hope that I can find someone who loves me for me, because I'm so sick of hiding behind this "normal" persona and you obviously understand. It's just really hard for me because I don't want people to know the real me, especially when I'm in a relationship, because I feel so pathetic and different from everyone else.

 

Aria, I'm glad I'm not the only one who's gone a year or more without an ILY, because it gives me some kind of hope . I've told him I love him before but I was drunk and he said it back but he was drunk, too...I don't know if that counts for sh--t but I guess it's something... I cried one time in front of him and he acted so cold to me that I knew I couldn't do it anymore, that's why I hide it, so I guess it's time to know if he's worth it...

 

cake, I went to therapy like 4 years ago, and my parents paid for it, and I'm not really sure if I can afford it because I'm 24 and "on my own" now even though I really, really need help sometimes... but I feel so ashamed about it because I just want to be normal and I just want to feel like I'm worth something decent and I don't feel that I can be worth anything unless I AM normal, like everyone else...

[hoping2heal]

Z,

Your post could have been written by me at one point in my life! There was a time when I felt exactly how you feel, like I need to pretend I'm "normal", In fact my partner describes it best as "You know exactly the right thing to say, but I don't know that's how you really feel." I was very hidden at the begining of our relationship. He was right, I knew what I was "Supposed" to say about everything, to maintain the facade. I didn't allow people to know my real thoughts and feelings, to me those were mine and private and I wasn't about to be rejected for them or taken advantage of because I was making myself vulnerable.

 

Mostly my entire life I have struggled iwth feeling like I was "not normal" and wanting more than anything to just "be normal". Now that I am in therapy and working hard at healing, and of course the love and support of my phenomenl (sp) and loving partner who is everything I could ever hope to find; I am seeing that I am okay the way I am, and that nothing about me is normal, and in fact I'm the exception to many rules and far from average. That there is a lot that is special and worth loving about me, and I no longer struggle to feel like I need to be normal to be worthy of affection.

 

I still have trust issues, my partner is the only person in my life I can reveal myself too completely, with my counselor and my friend (sis) kat coming in at a close second for (mostly reveal) and that's okay. I have good reason for not trusting those that I do and I'm just happy that I have my special one in my life, who I know loves and accepts me the way I am. He has completely changed my life.

[AriaIncognito]

I'd like to throw out the concept here that there is no such thing as "normal". What you or I perceive as normal, could be totally abnormal to someone else.

 

Embrace who you are, the good and the bad. If you do that, someone else will then be able to as well.

 

You know what they say, you have to love yourself before you can be loved. There's a bit of a point to that.

 

If he's the one, he'll love you no matter what. If he's not, then you will stop wasting your time and you'll find the one who is.

 

Oh and as for the "i cried once and he acted so cold" thing....are you sure that he acted cold, or were you looking for him to react a certain way and therefore saw it as such? Just wondering since you say you're "crazy" maybe you misinterpreted his reaction? A lot of men get very uncomfortable when they see a woman cry. This wouldn't be the first man. I once cried in front of an old boss of mine, and he went into a frenzy looking for tissues because he didn't know what to do LOL.

[harmfulsweetz]

You need to 'fess up about your condition. If he truly loves you, he will accept it and support you, if not, you will find out.

The ILY situation-people say it at varying stages, some take longer, others shorter. If it's an issue for you, sit down with him and ask him. Tell him how you feel, and see how he responds.