GrayClouds Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Is there way to keep this from being a disaster? The ex wanted to meet for the last month after 3 months of NC. I am looking for advice: Do I ask her her first before we meet what is the value of doing so for me, whats in it for me? Do I ask her first how I separate her degrading behavior from the person? Do I go in happy go lucky? Use my biting humor? Do I let her know I now know every? Do I just offer her compassion for being a train-wreck? Likely it is for ego boost or guilt relief - Do I call her on it if it is? How do I play this so I come out looking good and strong, doing surprisingly well after she spent months kicking me in the balls.
Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 You'll come out looking good and strong if you decline her invitation. What are you hoping to gain from this? Do you want to be her friend? Has she said she wants you back?
Beeotch Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Is there way to keep this from being a disaster? The ex wanted to meet for the last month after 3 months of NC. I am looking for advice: Do I ask her her first before we meet what is the value of doing so for me, whats in it for me? Do I ask her first how I separate her degrading behavior from the person? Do I go in happy go lucky? Use my biting humor? Do I let her know I now know every? Do I just offer her compassion for being a train-wreck? Likely it is for ego boost or guilt relief - Do I call her on it if it is? How do I play this so I come out looking good and strong, doing surprisingly well after she spent months kicking me in the balls. If you're not ready...don't go meet. If you have all these questions then you may not be ready. Ask YOURSELF what's in this for you? She can't tell you... You have to be the one to take the upper hand: decide why are you meeting, how do feel, what do you hope to come of it, can you handle it etc before going. The mindset of ohh let me ask her what's in it for me...and how can I have the upperhand, already shows you don't have the upper hand. You can't fake certain things. I suggest you not meet until you feel in control of yourself, your feelings, are okay with a negative outcome etc.
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 If you're not ready...don't go meet. If you have all these questions then you may not be ready. Ask YOURSELF what's in this for you? She can't tell you... You have to be the one to take the upper hand: decide why are you meeting, how do feel, what do you hope to come of it, can you handle it etc before going. The mindset of ohh let me ask her what's in it for me...and how can I have the upperhand, already shows you don't have the upper hand. You can't fake certain things. I suggest you not meet until you feel in control of yourself, your feelings, are okay with a negative outcome etc. I hate when people gives me my own advice. I just don't know if I can hold this meeting off much longer. It is kind of like waiting for the second shoe to be dropped. Knowing that at some point it has to happen, it actually may be holding me back from facing complete reality... I know its going to be negative. The only chance for something positive eto come out of it her knowing she didn't crush me nor completely deceive me.
Odyssey Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 GrayClouds, Do i do this? If... ...If you have to ask that many questions, it doesn't sound like you're ready to meet her. You're just gonna be setting yourself up for more pain. But if you're going in to get closure (for YOU, not for her), then man, you better be crystal clear about what you want and prepared for a negative response. Anyway, I thought you already said, you didn't want to be her friend because she kinda cheated on you? Right?
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 GrayClouds, Do i do this? If... ...If you have to ask that many questions, it doesn't sound like you're ready to meet her. You're just gonna be setting yourself up for more pain. But if you're going in to get closure (for YOU, not for her), then man, you better be crystal clear about what you want and prepared for a negative response. Anyway, I thought you already said, you didn't want to be her friend because she kinda cheated on you? Right? Correct the friendship ship as left.
Thaddeus Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Why is there some need for a meeting? Does she have something of yours that she needs to return? Or has she whined about wanting "closure" (which is her just wanting the last word)?
Odyssey Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I hate when people gives me my own advice. lol. Don't we all. But it always sounds better coming from someone else.
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Why is there some need for a meeting? Does she have something of yours that she needs to return? Or has she whined about wanting "closure" (which is her just wanting the last word)? She has some coin that she needs to pay back but now finding it difficult to live up to the original agreement.
bhweller Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 oh boy. I hope its not a lot of money. If you don't really need it maybe you should just tell her to go away.
Thaddeus Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 She has some coin that she needs to pay back but now finding it difficult to live up to the original agreement.Gee... never heard of that happening before... Can't she just mail you a check? I just sense a lot of drama coming your way ("Oh, I really meant to pay it back but (insert lameass excuse here)", drama that you don't need.
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Well she thought Uni was going to cover it but her loan was not granted. Bit in reality she has been requesting for "us to talk" weeks before she found out about this issue. So even though I may not be 100% ready it is likely to happen over the next few days. And with that in mind this is where the original question materialized and I return to them...
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 If you must meet with her, which I'm not sure you're ready for, based on your opening post, forget the winning or losing aspect of the meeting. I'd ask her why she needs to meet, instead of mailing a cheque as suggested by Thaddeus. If she starts to hem and haw, ask her what she wants from you. No games, no b/s.
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 If she starts to hem and haw, ask her what she wants from you. No games, no b/s. That's not bad...just seems a little too simple:)
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 That's not bad...just seems a little too simple:)Simple is best, or at least in my opinion. You cut to the chase and if she doesn't deliver some meaty discussion, just leave. You retain control over self, which is all that matters. Trying to control anyone else, is to fail.
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I should flesh out the portion of just leaving. State something like "don't fill me full of b/s. Either be honest with me or you're wasting my time, so it's time to go". Then if she doesn't give you what you want, get up and leave. Full control of self.
alphamale Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 How do I play this so I come out looking good and strong, doing surprisingly well after she spent months kicking me in the balls. you refuse to meet her, plain and simple...she'll just kick you in the nutsack again
Author GrayClouds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 You cut to the chase and if she doesn't deliver some meaty discussion, just leave. I like that.
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