The nerve!

[aeh]

Since my H's affair, I have had to re-evaluate the image I project of myself. Obviously, my self-esteem has been shot. I have thought back to all of the times when I was wearing loose/baggy clothing and yet he was out Fing his hot younger MOW. She knew she was "in competition". I didn't. She made sure her legs were always shaved (not that I did this habitually but I am just picking this as one thing I can think of , she was always dressed up, she was trying to impress him. The list goes on. Now, I'm no hag or anything but for sure, after 15 years there were many days when I would not be dressed up, was doing the "mom thing". Anyway, so I am now dressing more body-conscious, making sure I am always put together. I made the remark today about wanting to go workout which is why I was wearing my tennis skirt which has undershorts so that when I am doing the machines etc no one can see up my skirt. H remarks IN FRONT OF OUR SON, "Well, if you would wear baggier shirts then you wouldn't draw so much attention." He continued to expound. Our 14 year old was listening. I definitely DON'T dress slutty, but I have thrown out all the ill-fitting clothing, and the granny panties (LOL!). and I won't be going back to them. I am dressing womanly. I have had men AND women comment on "what a cute figure I have" etc and I do get lots of male attention. I am so miffed that after all of these years of H sometimes pitting the kids against me in very small ways (oh, here comes mom. She's gonna make us clean up!) and I have always bent over backwards to never do that to him or criticize him in front of the children and especially throughout this whole aftermath of his A when I was literally barely able to stand up, never let on to the kids about what was going on. And here he is, remarking at length about me "bringing this attention on myself" and kind of insinuating I was trying to show off my chest (I used to cover it up) in front of our very impressionable young teenage son who then began to chime in himself about that his friends had noticed my chest.

 

I guess I should have said something to the effect of, "Well, since you've been Fing your girlfriend for this past 10 months, I've had to reevaluate myself a bit." I wonder how he would have liked me saying that in front of our son? What I was thinking is, "I'm 38 years old and I really don't care what you have to say after all you've done to me. You brought this on yourself buddy and if I'm getting male attention, you can thank yourself for reintroducing myself to the woman that I am." I'm sure this hasn't been very eloquently put as I am just angry right now. Am I wrong to be mad about it?

[aeh]

And I don't know if it makes me madder that he is questioning my motives or that he was doing it in front of our son!

[wuggle]

AEH, firstly let me say, no you are not wrong to be mad about this, you have every right to be. Scream if you need to, you're the one who has been wronged. Second, let me answer one of your questions, the one about 'how he would have liked me saying this in front of our son' , please, never use your children as pawns in disputes between you and your H, even if he has, please don't, be better than that.

 

In a marriage you are allowed to not be 'dressed up' all the time, you married a man as a partner to go through life with, no-one would expect you to be on top form all the time (or even most of it), being comfortable in a marriage is not a bad thing, it is one of the perks. I NOT saying that you should just be a slob either, it is the responsibility of BOTH of you to make special times for each other, to dress up, to flirt with each other and keep the passion alive (did HE make any effort foryou ?). It's tough, and most of us make a mess of it, but it is something we need to keep practicing.

 

But it is his responsibility as much as yours, did he make an effort ? if he did make an effort did he try to help you ? or did he just do what so many people do and let things slide into a comfortable stupor, and then allow himself to be shaken out of it by the attentions of another person, stroking his ego ?

 

This does not sound like your fault, it sounds like BOTH your fault, but that isn't important now (it might be later but only if your make it through all this in one piece)

 

Where do you want to go from here ? do you still love him enough to forgive him ?? if not , if you really don't think you can get over this then that's ok, there are probably many other people out there who would think your hot, no-one could blame you for moving on. But , If you do still love him AND can forgive him then it's going to be tough. I think you might want to dress up, to compete, but for you AND him, dress up so that you do get attention from other men, then let him know it's for him, but make him work at it as well, get HIM to dress up...

[hopesndreams]

What has he been doing for you? Is he slobbing around, not neatly shaven, breath stinking like a sewer, you know the stuff that he wouldn't have got away with doing the MOW? Or has he always been neatly groomed with his breath smelling sweet?

 

If you can't relax around your man and are constantly critiquing yourself, is it worth it? He is a cheater after all. Maybe it should be he wearing the tight fighting tops, showing his pecs, to keep your interest.

[norajane]

Yes, you have a right to be angry.

 

Next time, raise an eyebrow, fix him with a stare and say something like, "I'm sorry, I must not have understood you correctly! You can't possibly be criticizing me for being an attractive woman! Are only Other Women allowed to be attractive and dress well?"

 

You've got him on the run, aeh. He's jealous of your new found body-confidence. And because he's the kind of man who cheats, he's afraid you'll attract other men and will also want to cheat, maybe have a revenge affair. That's why he doesn't want you drawing attention to your assets. He's worried what you will do with all that new-found attention.

[aeh]

Yes, you have a right to be angry.

 

Next time, raise an eyebrow, fix him with a stare and say something like, "I'm sorry, I must not have understood you correctly! You can't possibly be criticizing me for being an attractive woman! Are only Other Women allowed to be attractive and dress well?"

 

You've got him on the run, aeh. He's jealous of your new found body-confidence. And because he's the kind of man who cheats, he's afraid you'll attract other men and will also want to cheat, maybe have a revenge affair. That's why he doesn't want you drawing attention to your assets. He's worried what you will do with all that new-found attention.

 

This is what gets me. He talked about his MOW being such a flirt and having all this male attention and it's fine for HER to do, but I have my place driving carpool and PTA and a "different kind of womanly". He does dress up for sure, and so do I. I might have not stated it, but we do dress up and go out quite frequently but I also definitely didn't wear anything that was body-conscious. I used to get oodles of attention but over the years you just get out of that mode. Busy being a mom and definitely did not dress for any sex appeal. You are right....I can't be "on" all the time, always dressed up, made up, whatever. But I am definitely making a lot more of an effort, definitely going to take advantage of being a woman. Lord knows that's what it took to knock his socks off, so much that he couldn't quit her for almost a year.

[norajane]

Well, I'd keep throwing pointed digs his way, like "Relax, honey, and enjoy the view. No matter how much attention I get from other men, I still come home to you!"

 

But, that's me, and continually digging at him like that about how HE didn't come home to you, and how he appreciates when Other Women dress up probably isn't going to help your reconciliation. But then, I wouldn't want to reconcile and would have taken my body and cleavage to a very sharp divorce lawyer right away.

 

Are you two in counseling? Maybe that can help you talk about these issues that are creating such resentment - not only his affair, but now how you dress and how he constantly digs at you in front of your kids.

[norajane]

I get a little tired of hearing "if I'd known I was in a competition, I would have tried harder". What about trying because you love and respect yourself and your husband?

 

Or maybe he could have respected his wife and mentioned how much he liked it when she dressed better instead of just having an affair.

 

and you've missed the point of her post. She IS dressing better now, and he is upset about it and making mean comments in front of her son about her appearance. He wants her to be the schlumpy soccer mom, not the hot soccer mom who gets attention from other men.

[tami-chan]

I think what sadintexas is saying is that, it shoudn't have taken for her husband to cheat on her to wake up and make herself look good. She should have kept herself looking good throughout the marriage for herself primarily and for her husband.

 

hmmm... I don't know about this. I think it wouldn't do me good to have to dress up, be fit , etc. so I can keep my man. Seems belittling.

[norajane]

Yeah because it's his responsibility to keep her motivated to present herself well.

No, it's his responsibility to love and support the woman he married, to love and support the woman who bore his children, and to love and support her in front of those children instead of belittling her, betraying her, lying to her, and cheating on her. It might surprise you how much that kind of love and support would serve as motivation to present herself well to him.

[bentnotbroken]

If dressing sexy and keeping yourself in the best shape for is a prerequisite to keeping a spouse faithful, how come Halle Berry, Christie Brinkley, Shania Twain, Dennis Quiad, Russell Simmons among others were cheated on? Doesn't personal standards, respect and honor have anything to do with it? For me, Mr. Messy let himself go(so did ow) yet they found each other very attractive for some reason.

 

Appearance seems to be pretty low on the list. Seems the ego boost is more important. Someone who sees them without their warts.

[tami-chan]

If dressing sexy and keeping yourself in the best shape for is a prerequisite to keeping a spouse faithful, how come Halle Berry, Christie Brinkley, Shania Twain, Dennis Quiad, Russell Simmons among others were cheated on? Doesn't personal standards, respect and honor have anything to do with it? For me, Mr. Messy let himself go(so did ow) yet they found each other very attractive for some reason.

 

Appearance seems to be pretty low on the list. Seems the ego boost is more important. Someone who sees them without their warts.

 

Exactly. So why take care of yourself NOW because he cheated? How many times has it been hammered here that cheating has nothing to do with the BP? Makes me think, that whether or not OP looked good and took care of herself prior to her H's betrayal, her H would still have cheated.

[LakesideDream]

Tammy's right of course. It's not the OP's dress that "made" her husband cheat.... it was the muscle between his ears.

 

Frankly I don't understand men who cheat for looks, and I'm not sure I've ever met one.

[aeh]

I'm sorry. I disagree with the "can't be on all the time" thing. Unless we have different ideas of being "on". I don't mean heels and full blown make up, dressed to the nine's kind of thing. But, correct me if I'm wrong, I wouldn't think you wore baggy clothes and granny panties when you were still dating him. And I'd assume you dated for a while before you got married.

 

Yeah you can pull your hair back in a pony tail and wear minimal makeup. You can wear casual clothes, but they don't have to be baggy and unattractive. They make a lot of cute casual clothes.

 

It's not about being in a competition you didn't know about. It's about being proud of yourself. Taking some time for yourself. Making yourself feel good. And before you say you don't have time, I'm a single mom to two kids and run a business. It all falls to me and I have time.

 

Good point, sadintexas. I agree with what you said about when we're dating, we're kind of "on". Let me state, that I always have my hair and makeup done....ALWAYS. And I did wear cute casual. But just maybe cute more "babydoll" type of tops or something, nothing that was more form fitting, etc. But if anything through all of this, it has reintroduced myself to the sexual side of myself that had probably been long dormant. Too bad it took the A to wake me up. On the other hand, I think my H is wondering what kind of monster he created.

 

I get a little tired of hearing "if I'd known I was in a competition, I would have tried harder". What about trying because you love and respect yourself and your husband?

Now, I totally agree that he shouldn't be saying things like that in front of the children. You should probably talk to him about that and remind him what your retort could have been.

 

I did remind him about what I could have said. He says that he was merely pointing out that because I am "20 times hotter than anyone else at the gym I shouldn't be surprised if guys were looking at me." So now it becomes that he was giving me a compliment.

[aeh]

Tammy's right of course. It's not the OP's dress that "made" her husband cheat.... it was the muscle between his ears.

 

Frankly I don't understand men who cheat for looks, and I'm not sure I've ever met one.

 

Lakeside, I have always believed this to be true when I have seen some of the women I know who have been cheated on, and especially when I see some of the women they have cheated with...However, now that I am walking in those shoes, it is very difficult to not feel that's what it's about even though my H says that anyone who knows me and knows who he cheated with wouldn't believe it.

[MistyK]

I'm thinking that the fact that he's getting all pissy is his insecurity. After all, you have lots of good reasons to leave him and he may feel that your taking better care of yourself means that you're more likely to leave him for someone else as you'll be getting more attention.

[freestyle]

I'm inclined to agree with Misty here, that was my initial gut instinct after

reading the OP.

 

Classic case of a cheater projecting his own moral deficiencies onto their partner. (If I could do it , then maybe he/she could do it, also....)

[ReturnToSender]

I think its great that you are looking to take care of yourself and feel better about how you look...you genuinely sound like you are enjoying stepping it up. Personally, I find that I take even better care of myself when Im in a relationship....that to me isnt the time to relax, thats the time to step up my game! I have to admit...I love compliments!

 

And someone said it wasnt about heels and being totally dolled up...so true. All it really takes is putting in a bit of personal TLC...feeling good about yourself is incredibly attractive. Thats why some women can rock sweats and sneakers and be hot as all give out...

 

What really bothers me in this whole thing is what hes saying in front of the kids. I would definitely set him down and talk about that. I can say, I had to point this out to my bf...something as innocent as your example about "uh oh here comes mom...shes going to make us clean up!" drives me nuts. Even if said jokingly, its still undermining me and my authority...I let him know he cant do that. If he has a problem with something I do, hes more than welcome to voice that...I respect his opinion and really open to whatever is on his mind, but he needs to talk to me about it..in private. Not in front of kiddo.

 

The same goes for having an argument in front of her, or discussing what I think are adult matters (finances, plans for the future, etc) if something is going to affect her, we can talk to her about it once we have decided about it between ourselves. And for very *very* sure...I dont believe in trash talking in front of her. Even when I was so mad at him and ready to break up with him...I never said a bad word in front of her about him. I deserve the same respect. Kids are so impressionable...and its unfair to them to use them as leverage for any reason. Huge no no in my book.

[Devil Inside]

Yeah you have a right to be pissed.

 

Seems that his insecurity had got him worried about you looking good.

 

I also want to applaud you for not bringing adult matter up in front of your children...that is true parenting putting their needs above your own...now you need to talk to him about not doing it as well.

[2sure]

I have discovered a different "upshot" regarding my looks, etc. since discovering my H's problem.

 

I dress how I want to dress. I dont dictate my attire to his career, the image we as a couple should have, the functions we go to. I dress how I want - whats best for MY job (ex: his is public and conservative/mine is basically advertising). I am more concerned about what I'm comfortable in, what makes me feel good, whats best for me, what image I want to create. No more uniform of cocktail dress, no more having to be concerned that we look understated so as not to alienate anyone at all.

 

I got out the BIG jewelry. The stuff from before him that I put away so it didnt look like I had more than anyone else. And my RED lipstick which looks great on me but intimidating. And my heels, the really tall ones that I put away because he is not so tall. Ditched the republican hair for a blow out that looks like glass.

 

Feels good.

[tami-chan]

LOL..love this! but NEVER put away the 4 inch + heels for anybody!

[PhoenixRise]

Well your Husband was wrong, wrong, wrong to have this adult conversation in front of your child. Whatever issues he had he should have addressed with you privately and I am glad that you showed restraint and did not give the reply that you could have given in front of your son.

 

Regarding H's insecurities. whell it is probaly true that he is feeling guilty because he cheated and because he is afraid you will leave him. But Aeh, I think you need to be fair....your husband is also insecure because you had a revenge affair. This probaly has something to do with his fears at seeing you walk out the door looking fab.

 

I am not saying you should go back to dressing slouchy just to make him feel better. I think it is great if you are getting your self esteem back and feeling good about your appearance. I am saying that your H's infidelity is not the only one on the table anymore and that as much as you may think he deserved it, your infidelity probaly hurt him too.

[quankanne]

AEH: Learn the lyrics to Stacey's Mom ... and soak up the attention.

 

of course he doesn't want anyone looking at you. You're his WIFE, for Pete's sake! Only the floozies he slept with are allowed to look sexy, because it gives the both of y'all a set "place" in his mind.

 

you are in charge of your sexuality, and if you feel moved to put it out there because you have a new self-image, go for it. He'll just have to learn how to grin and bear it. After all, you were supposed to go along happily with HIS means of making himself feel sexier ...

[Devil Inside]

of course he doesn't want anyone looking at you. You're his WIFE, for Pete's sake! Only the floozies he slept with are allowed to look sexy, because it gives the both of y'all a set "place" in his mind.

 

The Madonna/Whore complex rears it's ugly head.

[silktricks]

Of course you have every right to be upset!!! Especially for him making negative comments to you in front of your son. That is unacceptable.

 

I would bet that he's afraid that you will have an affair. He's not used to having other men look at you as a "hot mama" and he's scared that you'll find someone better than him....