h563 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 There are so many issues in this post that I wasn't sure where to post it, so if this is the wrong place, oops! I'm a senior in college. Tall. Scrawny. Quiet-ish. I'm smart: a triple major with almost perfect grades. I probably drink too much every now and then; last weekend, I definitely did. People really like me, though I don't necessarily know why. I pretty much do things because I like them. Or I'll help my friends because I like them. But I'm not altruistic; I gain something from everything that I do. And that upsets me, because I just want to have a positive impact on the world. Or at the very least neutral. I've never really had a girlfriend. A year ago, I wasn't even friends with 2 girls total. Then over the last year, something happened to me. Maybe because I started partying more or maybe because I studied internationally and that gave me more perspective, but now I am friends with tons of girls... But I am just friends with the girls I like, and nearly every girl that I am not interested in is totally into me. The girls I like almost always fall into one category: short, fit, filled with energy, extroverted, smart, and kind. I would say that at least 1/5 of girls fall into this category, so I don't think I'm being too picky. The types of girls who are attracted to me are most others. They are quieter and larger (not that there is anything wrong with that; it's just now what I am looking for). To make a long story short, a couple days ago, I got really drunk and did A LOT of things with one of my girl friends from that second category. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it when it happened. But I gained more "experience" in one night than I ever had before. We didn't have sex, but we did just about everything else. And I wasn't ready. I needed this to happen in a well thought out moment with the right girl. And I completely blew it. And now I'm wrecked emotionally. Nobody I know understands what I'm feeling. The guys are all like "well done." They know that I'm not attracted to her, but they don't see that as a big deal. I "got some" and that was a win. I don't think that I was ready for what happened, and they don't understand. When they talk like that I also feel like they are judging me as being incapable of finding the type of girl that I am actually attracted to. Which maybe I am. I don't know. --------------------------------------------- Here is an example of how a girl is not interested in me talks to me: There's this girl whom I have had a huge crush on forever (and, sadly, I think last October I probably had a chance with her but screwed it up). She's tiny and is practically pure energy. She's really smart--a science and french major, just like me, too. My mom (and I know this is a silly thing to say) was completely convinced (she still is) that this girl was into me. She's really, really nice--I don't know that I've ever heard her say a bad thing about someone--and thoughtful. For example, I'll have a test (and I won't even tell her about it, she'll hear from a friend--we share 2 best friends), and she'll send me a message wishing me luck. We walked to the bar together on that night that I was very drunk, and we talked the whole way there. We even talked about how much we "liked" each other (I'm pretty sure only as friends). I told her she was one of my favorite people and one of the nicest, kindest girls I know. We talked a bit at the bar, until other people arrived, and then she left for home, knowing that I was gonna be okay. The next morning she sent me a message to make sure that I was okay. Then another once I responded, asking if she would hopefully see me that night. HOW CAN I NOT END UP ATTRACTED TO THIS GIRL!?!?! I should add though that a few months ago, she was turned down by my best friend, and her best friend who is also my best girl friend suggested that those to might get together sometime (but I know he's still not interested). This girl also ended up almost making out with a guy at the bar the next night, so I don't think I'm crazy to think that she's not interested. --------------------------------------------- Do you have any advice for me? (about anything I brought up...) Thanks! Thanks.
tkgirl Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I have to admit, the last part of your story was a bit confusing.. but anyways, here goes: first... try to move on from what happened the other night with type #2 girl... you said you were pretty drunk and we've all done stuff like that (or most of us anyways!) You learn from your mistake and move on... as in next time you start getting a little too buzzed and the opportunity presents itself with a not so desirable chick, you will probably remember how crappy you felt about it last time something happened like that that you will be able to resist... maybe! as for type #1 girl.. well, you'll never get anywhere with them unless you put yourself out there and ask one of them out! you sound like a very cool (and smart!) guy and I'm sure a lot of type #1 girls would be interested in you.. but you gotta be the one to make the first move.
GiveAndTake Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Ok, let's start with the drunken mistake. You fooled around a bit. So what? You didn't make a commitment to this girl, did you? Is she expecting a relationship or something now? Maybe you weren't her type either. Maybe it was a drunken mistake for her as well. Whatever the case, I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just chalk it up as experience. (no pun intended) Now, as far as pursuing your "type", this is what I think. We all have (or had) a type that which we are typically attracted. However, that type may change for you. It did for me over the years. What happens is, as you date more and more, you learn what you want. You learn what you don't want. Physically, your type may remain as it is now but it won't be as important as the other stuff. With each relationship, you will start to build a "checklist" in your head. Let me give you an example... You date someone for 1 year. Let's say, she's a liar. The relationship eventually ends because of this. Now, next time, you will have very keen radar for detecting "liars". See what I mean? Now, as this list gets longer, your "type" changes. Things that you thought were so important (like shorter girls), now becomes number 2 on your list, right after "NO LIARS". Eventually, everything you thought you needed to have a great relationship, has moved down the list of importance. So, my advice to you would be, date all kinds of girls. You don't necessarily have to have sex with them. Just date them. Learn about what you want. Learn about what you don't want. Have fun. Don't obsess about your "type". When you eventually find the girl of your dreams, you might be surprised to see how far from your "type" she is.
Author h563 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Hey, thanks a lot for the replies! @GiveAndTake... This girl is totally into me. She wants more. I can tell; everyone can tell. I like her as my friend, but I really can't imagine wanting anything more with her. And I ruined our friendship, almost for sure. My friend commented that he's never seen anything like the way that she looked at me when I saw her at the bar the next night. And I kinda turned her down. I was trying to be nice and dance with her and whatnot, but then she made a comment and I accidentally hurt her feelings, I think. Then she sent me a message the next day saying to not spread around what happened (and I obviously wont and wasn't going to). So I feel just awful about that. I am just in sort of a state of shock that I fooled around as much as I did. That is the type of thing that I should have thought through ahead of time, but I just let my sexual desires overpower me. It's hard to describe. I feel SO guilty. When it comes to my "type," probably 80% of my girl friends fit into this category, which is really no good at all, because sometimes I end up feeling attracted to them (even if I wasn't when I first met them). But I also know that they are the girls that I get along with really well. Here is one more aside (and I'm more than a little disappointed that I let this happen, but I didn't realize it would). One girl (that fits into the category of girls that I like) had been really weird around me. (She has a boyfriend in a long-distance relationship, so I would NEVER, EVER do anything with her). She'd ask me questions like "am I the least attractive girl you know?" To that I responded with something too mean to repeat here. I still can't believe I said it, but I know that the reason was that I didn't want to say "no, you're the cutest girl I know," because she has a boyfriend and has no business asking me questions like that. Other days, she would compliment me excessively. Then once she said something that vaguely offended me and I told her that it hurt to hear her say that. She apologized over 10 times and sent multiple friends to apologize for her, as well. Then a friend asked me if I liked her and I said, truthfully, that it wouldn't matter if I did, because she has a boyfriend, who is one of the greatest guys I've ever met. To make a long story short, I've had to stop talking to this girl, for the most part, because I was hurting their relationship--even though she'd never admit to it--because I thought I didn't have a chance with her (and CERTAINLY DIDN'T WANT A CHANCE). I guess the point of that story is that I think I act differently around girls who I want something with and girls who I don't, and that that is hurting my chances with them. It also tells me that the type of girl that I like can be attracted to me. Any suggestions how to work on this?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 You will need to work on your confidence so that you can be as confident around the girls you want as the girls you don't want. What the ones you don't want are attracted to is your ability to be calm, not nervous, confident, probably funny and fun to be around - you are just being yourself because you don't have anything to lose by doing so. With the ones you want, I suspect you are the opposite of all of that, and it is off-putting. You have to retrain your brain and force yourself to even the playing field with these girls so that you don't have such a solid 'yes' or 'no' line for each one. I'm not saying go be with women you don't want - just that you need to be able to be as nonchalant around the ones you want as the ones you don't. It isn't easy because you have to discard the notion that you are 'losing' something by striking out with the ones you want. You have to put yourself in a position where you are around these types more and more often until you get comfortable around them before you start making moves. Go to the gym where these fit girls are, and start working on your body. Observe them subtly (not stalking - just observing). Watch the types of guys they are looking at and the types they ignore. Take note of that. You can get in shape and tone up your scrawniness (as you put it) while making mental notes about these girls. The more comfortable you get there working on yourself, the more used to being surrounded by these types you will be. Hopefully that will help your confidence and see that they are, after all just human beings like yourself. As for the girl you hooked up with - there is no easy way out. You have to cut it off completely. No more 'friends', no hanging out. Be honest with her and say that you had a moment of weakness, and that you are sorry for being a d*ck, but that you do not like her or want her that way. It sounds brutal and mean, but leading her on (even when you don't realize you are doing it) is FAR meaner. Trust me on this one. I have someone doing pretty much that very thing right now and it is tearing me up. I wish he would just say 'f*ck off' and stop giving me what seems like hope. Don't let this girl be in my position. Just a quick cut and it will be done.
Author h563 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks a lot Lucrezia, Especially for the advice to cut it off completely. I'm also curious if you could expand on some of your advice on how to be more confident around these girls, this time given that I pretty much hang around with they type of girls I am attracted to all the time (which might be a bad idea, I think, because sometimes I start liking them as more than friends). I'm not really that awkward around them, but I feel like when I talk to a girl that I like, I might tense up a little, maybe turn a little red, and it is obvious in my eyes, I think. Sometimes I talk too much, sometimes too little. But they like me a lot. Heck, I think sometimes I can become friends (but only friends) with girls faster than any other guy on campus. I just can never get anything more, though most people can't even tell that I would like to. I go to the gym often. Many times, I feel like I am less myself when I am talking to the girls who I am not attracted to, though. Like I try to avoid them when I go out, etc. Its almost like the more I run away from them the more attracted they get. And I may be a little bit overconfident around them, too.
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