tlind Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Ok, bare with me, this will probably be a bit lengthy, but I need to say this, and get outside perspective on this. So, I've secretly had "feelings" for my best friends sister for a few years, and nobody knew about it. Most of the time, these feelings stayed buried, and I never wanted to act on them because she is my best friends sister, but one day she was being flirtatious towards me, and back came all my feelings towards her, so a few days later I decided to tell her how I felt. The timing of this decision wasn't the greatest because she was in a relationship for a few years with someone. Anyways, so I tell her how I felt, she seemed fine with it, almost like she knew already, and smiled a lot. Fast forward a few days, and her ex, and a somewhat friend of mine comes up to me and starts talking about her with me, and how he's over her, and thinks if I ever went out with her it'd be a good thing. He's telling me how I'm one of his best friends (I consider him an aquaintance, but I know he doesn't get out of the house a lot, and thought maybe he does consider me a good friend - I am very trusting/naive), and that I can tell him anything and he'd keep it a secret, so we decide to go to a local watering hole, where I got drunk and told him how I felt. Now being drunk I delved a little to deep into my feelings about this girl, but he assured me secrets were safe with him. Next day I'm talking with a good friend of mine, and he tells me that the guy I went to the bar with, already knew that I had feelings for her, because she called him up, and they went for a coffee, and she told him. So my best friend, (the girl's brother) said that he was just gaining my trust, and buttering me up to get information out of me, which he apparently turned around and told this girl that we went out and I told him how I felt about her, he also said that I dug a hole by telling him, and that the ex pushed me in that hole. I keep thinking back to things the ex said, and I should have known that he isn't really over her, and was just using me to get info out of me. He also thinks that the ex is a stalker, and is probably trashing me to her. I know he said some stupid comments that night to me, and can see him telling her that I said them. I've known this girl for over 10 years, and she's always been friendly to me (smiling, saying hi, friendly conversations, etc...), but the last time I saw her was 3 weeks ago. Her brother lives out of town, and just came back for the weekend. We went to his parents house (she lives with her folks), she said hi to her brother, and slammed her door shut when she saw me, next day we see her going to her car, once again she says hi to her brother, basically ignores me (doesn't say hi, avoids eye contact), but does say buy to me when i said it to her. Her brother would always talk to me about her, and tell me how he doesn't even understand her, how every time there is a party, she asks only about me, and if i'll be there. Then one day at work he sends me a text saying how he wants to drive the three hours back to town to kick the ex's ass for doing that to me, and that he had new info for me and to call him later. So, I call later and he blows it off saying he talked to his sister about it and that it wasn't anything new, and just about stuff i already knew, but ever since that day he avoids talking about his sister with me, (the cold reaction from her is also after their conversation). Now I told her how I felt just over two months ago, and we never really talked about it other then the day I told her. The brother thinks anything I wanted to tell her should have been said that one and only time, another friend thinks that it's never to late to try and talk about it, that i should ask her to coffee to clear the air, and another friend thinks that if we haven't talked about it yet, it's to late to do it now. Now there are to many people telling me what to do, and I'm confused by what I should do. I respect her to much to want to put her in the position of talking about it, since she is dating someone, but at the same time I don't know what she was told about that night by her ex, and if he was telling lies. Maybe she's acting cold towards me because the ex said bad stuff/lies about me, maybe she really wasn't expecting me to tell her I had feelings for her, I really don't know, and it's eating away at me (even though I'm trying hard not to think about it), and I feel I have to talk to her about it. Should I just ask her to coffee to try and clear the air, should I just leave it alone and let it play it's course? By no means am I holding out hope to date her, and am constantly searching for that "someone". It's just the thought of her hating me for telling her that I have feelings for her that seems to be bugging the heck out of me. Any thoughts/suggestions/similar experiences, please share them. Thank you for reading/commenting on this lengthy story.
Rylle Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 There are way too many people involved in this, and there is entirely too much talking behind people's backs going on here (talking to her brother about her; talking to her ex about her; talking to your friends about this situation; etc.). I hope you learned a lesson from this...and most especially about talking to someone's ex about his ex-SO. Since you told her how you felt and nothing happened, and now she's dating someone else, I really think you should just let this go. I can't help but think that the reason you're so concerned with what she thinks about you is solely because you like her (obviously this mess hasn't affected your relationship with your friend). If you MUST do something, I would suggest not spilling your guts to her, or attempting to have some long conversation with her in which you explain all your feelings and exactly what happened, etc. All it is is a he said/she said thing (except it's you and her ex). Just accept responsibility for what you did - talking about her and your feelings for her to her ex-bf. Sorry, but that's pretty dumb, especially since he's not your friend. Just a I'm sorry I did it, I shouldn't have, I suspect things got lost in translation, sorry for bringing drama into your life, whatever. Something along the lines of a short apology. Less is more.
Author tlind Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I figured as much. I always seem to learn life's lessons the hard way...not just about the "love life", but about everything. I do have some books to return to her when I'm done reading them, so I think I'll see how she reacts to that conversation, and if it's still cold, i'll apologize for being to open mouthed and never mention the situation again. Thank you for posting that, I never saw it that way. I just mentioned it to her brother (having him know was important to me for some reason), the ex (I should have known/lesson learned), and another friend i've know for close to twenty years (this one i can trust). For some reason I seem to have to know what people think about me, and I have to get the "who gives a crap" approach and just do things my way, and not worry about what others think. So seriously, thank you, because i've never thought of it that way.
Rylle Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Learning from experience is the best way to learn That's how pretty much everyone does. If I sounded harsh, well, just know that I only learned these lessons from doing similar things. Since it's your friend's sister, I think you were right to tell him about it. Other people, you need to use your discretion, and I think you're still learning that. Same with telling your friends after the fact (I think she's mad at me because of this, what should I do?). Nothing wrong with asking for advice, but IME, this type of thing - telling several other people in order to hear their opinion - mostly serves to spread more rumors and cause more drama, even though that's not your intention. One of the most important things I've learned (from making lots of mistakes) is that the best thing to do, is go straight to the source.
Author tlind Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Well, hopefully she'll forgive me for being a naive idiot, I know I've learned my lesson regarding this and any future happenings. Just out of curiosity what does IME mean?
Rylle Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Well, hopefully she'll forgive me for being a naive idiot, I know I've learned my lesson regarding this and any future happenings. Just out of curiosity what does IME mean? "In my experience." And I'm sure she will get over it. Maybe that's not even her problem, ya know? Just apologize, but leave it simple. Being naive or inexperienced or whatever doesn't make you an idiot And everyone handles things differently. Just because that's how I see it, doesn't make me right!
Recommended Posts