Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 It has been 2 months NC.... The last words he said I am a very conflictive person..... This woman is the most manipulative, abusive, controlling and possesive woman that is an alcoholic, stole from him.... physically and verbally abused him.... He grew up in a very abusive family and I remember Hoping to heal had said they are used to the chaos.... I must be very boring to him.... I can only think... she is in rehab and he needs to be the knight in shining armour..... It hurts bad.... as he told me he wanted a healthy relationship.... We have been on and off because of her for 7 years.... He is smart.... why would he want her.... He went NC for 10 months with her... I thought he was over her..... This really sucks.... It won't last long it never does.... I need to move on.... He is 55 and I don't know if he will ever get It!!!! It just saddens me that once again she has this hold on him that I never will..... He told me I deserve more..... God.... I just wish he would get it, she has so much power over me... and I hate it!!!!
alphamale Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 ..... He told me I deserve more..... you do the question you should ask yourself is WHY are you caught up in this mess
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Maybe it was his intelligence.... We were good together once.... same ideals, hobbies, conversation..... I am over the mess.... as I can't compete with someone that knows how to push his buttons.... She is a charmer that knows what to do and say to make him believe.... I am moving on..... thanks for your words.... I am trying hard to understand....
hoping2heal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 It has been 2 months NC.... The last words he said I am a very conflictive person..... This woman is the most manipulative, abusive, controlling and possesive woman that is an alcoholic, stole from him.... physically and verbally abused him.... He grew up in a very abusive family and I remember Hoping to heal had said they are used to the chaos.... Yes, that is typically the case. It can be very hard to know what to do in a relationship and feel "lost" if you aren't constantly having to thrive and droll through chaos and negativity. That becomes the only sense of stability and security in one's life when they are raisd in that environment and even though it is dysfunctional; it is hard to break what feels "secure" to us, even though we are just paddling uphill the entire time and it will never stop so long as we persue those avenues. It's self defeating, but again it's unhealthy and dysfunctional. Unless one ever realises this or WANTS to change it, it will not. I must be very boring to him.... I can only think... she is in rehab and he needs to be the knight in shining armour..... It hurts bad.... as he told me he wanted a healthy relationship.... We have been on and off because of her for 7 years.... I think you are giving this woman all too much credit. You two have been on and off for 7 years because both YOU and this MAN decided to partake in it. She has nothing to do with that, you could of realised this was going to be trouble at any time during those 7 years that you two were off/on and walked away, you did not. That is your doing, it is not hers. He can't even have a relationship with you unless you agree to it, so your partaking in this for 7 years is your responsibility, no one elses. He is smart.... why would he want her.... Well, this shouldn't be too difficult to empathize with him on. You have a man in your life that for 7 years has been in love with another woman and you have had 7 years of rocky, instability with yet you want him. Even though you know he will always be stuck to that other woman like glue, for whichever reason. He went NC for 10 months with her... I thought he was over her..... This really sucks.... It won't last long it never does.... I need to move on.... He is 55 and I don't know if he will ever get It!!!! He may never, so don't allow your life to go down the futile tube just because he's allowing his to. It just saddens me that once again she has this hold on him that I never will..... He told me I deserve more..... God.... I just wish he would get it, she has so much power over me... and I hate it!!!! No one ever has power over you unless you give that power to them. You are chasing a pipe dream and after 7 years of that, you must know so, instead of trying to understand what is causing him to make the decisions and persue the woman he is, why not figure out why you have taken 7 years of being dicked around, and someone's plan B and yet you STILL seem to want his attention, figure out why you're chasing the man that you are instead of why he's chasing the woman that he is.
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I think you are right Hoping to Heal that he is in love with this person....and you are also right how I could still be in a relationship this long with someone I could better myself with someone else... not going there right now... as I need healing time...... It is in my best interest to just let him go.... I guess what is so hard is wanting him so much out of the relationship with her.... and knowing it won't last and me being there for him trying to give him the understanding of a healthy relationship. I know he will leave her again.. and may come back to me again.... but I can't go there anymore.... It is a pattern I truelly need to find some way of not going back
GrayClouds Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 It sounds he is trying to fix her while your trying to fix him. Here is a idea...Everyone fix themselves. You given this guy enough of you energy, now is time to use that energy to make yourself happy, healthy, and proudly independent.
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thank you grew cloud for that.... It is just so hard to understand why someone would want someone that is so detrimental to their health....... Why woudn't someone want someone that was good for them versis someone that is so bad for him.....
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Thank you grew cloud for that.... It is just so hard to understand why someone would want someone that is so detrimental to their health....... Why woudn't someone want someone that was good for them versis someone that is so bad for him.....Let's turn this around. Why do you want a man who's detrimental to your emotional well-being?
Odyssey Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 ...and because not changing feels better some how. Even if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. It's what you're used to.
GrayClouds Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 It is just so hard to understand why someone would want someone that is so detrimental to their health.. At this point you should be asking yourself the same question, this guy is no longer making you happier or healthier. Let it go for your own well being.
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I want so much to let it go for my own well being.... It is just so hard to belieive he would go back to someone that he wanted so hard to get away from..... I will never get how one will go back to wanting to be abused.... I have never ever been in this situation before.... and I just know.... I will never get it!!!..... I haven't been there.... yet to a certain degree have as I want to fix him as much as he wants to fix her.... Bad Bad situation
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