Flynsandy Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hi, I'm currently in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids. I know his kids will always be first in his life. I get that. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I'm very supportive and listen when he complains about is ex. I don't give my thoughts on the issue. I'm always going out of my way for him. Making sure he knows how much I care for him. I know times are rough for him right now and I have all the faith in the world it will get easier. His ex just rags on him all the time and brings him down. He loves his kids very much. I am doing my best not to get jealous or anything. But it seems like I'm doing all the giving and getting hardly anything back. He seems to run whenever there is a issue. Just recently we had a falling out and I'm not even sure what it was over. I was upset b/c he was leaving instead of talking it out. I know his ex hurt him very much. I'm starting to feel he is using the kids as an escape route out of doing things with me. Is this all in my head? How do I stand my ground in this kind of relationship? I want to be loving and understanding, but at the same time I don't want to be walk all over on. I knew going into this relationship it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. How do I handle this issue?
Thornton Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 In a healthy relationship, sometimes the kids come first, and sometimes the relationship comes first. It's very inflexible and unfair to say the kids always come first and the relationship always comes second. If he always puts you second, you are getting the short end of the stick, and he should realise that if he loves you he has to give equal importance to your relationship and to his relationship with his kids.
alphamale Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 even under the best circumstances dating someone with kids is a big hassle and emotional rollercoaster because you're basically dating multiple people at the same time
SummerLady Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 It sounds like to me he is not "Ready" to move on. If his ex is still pushing his buttons then I would move on if I were you. I understand that his ex may always be a pain in a way, I know all about this Believe ME!! I have an ex that is a constant pain BUT he is NOT pushing my buttons and causing me emotional turmoil. If he was I would not be over him or the relationship. Secondly you say his ex is always ragging on him. For all you know he is not keeping up his end of the bargain on his end or managing what he needs to do properly. If he was you would not have to hear all the BS. Or maybe she is simply always going to be a problem and this would be a problem for you. Unless you are a priority in his life there is not much else to do. Naming who is first and seond is a waste of time. Kids are kids they needs their parents. This is not a competition. If you are a priority you know it and you seem to think you are not. Reevalute this situation closely. Talk with him about your concerns. If you don't see an improvement soon put on your best sneakers and bolt...
SummerLady Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 even under the best circumstances dating someone with kids is a big hassle and emotional rollercoaster because you're basically dating multiple people at the same time This is not always the case. I see your point but its not always a big hassle if the divorce and child custody issues are in place and everyone involved is trying to move on gracefully. Sometimes this takes a while to get to. In the beginning there may be some drama. Hey some folks without kids have a ton of drama as well. My divorce is way behind me so these issues are not issues so to say anymore.
TeacupMovinON Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I can relate to everything that you are saying, OP. I had the very same feelings that you are having, when I was dating a man who had three kiddos. While the kids were great, I always felt like my needs fell dead last. I tried to give and give to him and the kids but I never felt like my needs were ever considered. I got out...it was hard but probably worth it in the end. That was not the only reason that I left though...
Author Flynsandy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 In a healthy relationship, sometimes the kids come first, and sometimes the relationship comes first. It's very inflexible and unfair to say the kids always come first and the relationship always comes second. If he always puts you second, you are getting the short end of the stick, and he should realise that if he loves you he has to give equal importance to your relationship and to his relationship with his kids. Yes, I agree...that the relationship and the kids share equal value. He doesn't get to see his kids often, so when he does it's all about them. Which I can understand that. I want him to spend time with them. At the same I want to have a relationship where I feel important and not always second place.
Author Flynsandy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 It sounds like to me he is not "Ready" to move on. If his ex is still pushing his buttons then I would move on if I were you. I understand that his ex may always be a pain in a way, I know all about this Believe ME!! I have an ex that is a constant pain BUT he is NOT pushing my buttons and causing me emotional turmoil. If he was I would not be over him or the relationship. Secondly you say his ex is always ragging on him. For all you know he is not keeping up his end of the bargain on his end or managing what he needs to do properly. If he was you would not have to hear all the BS. Or maybe she is simply always going to be a problem and this would be a problem for you. Unless you are a priority in his life there is not much else to do. Naming who is first and seond is a waste of time. Kids are kids they needs their parents. This is not a competition. If you are a priority you know it and you seem to think you are not. Reevalute this situation closely. Talk with him about your concerns. If you don't see an improvement soon put on your best sneakers and bolt... I hear what ur saying. The reason for their divorce was b/c she cheated on him. He would do anything for his kids. Now she tells him all the things she misses about him. He wants nothing to do with her. If it wasn't for the kids he would have no contact with her what so ever. She is using the kids to get back at him. Which is a shame...b/c they really miss their dad and he really wants to be with them. The way I see it is.....your kids will always be a big part of your life, but there still should be a part reserve just for you. Maybe I'm wrong b/c I have no children. Parents need breaks from time to time..that doesn't make them bad parents. Maybe I am way off track here. He said something yesterday about slowing things down that he still wants to see me. Is this his way of saying..I need some space or see ya later?
Author Flynsandy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 In a healthy relationship, sometimes the kids come first, and sometimes the relationship comes first. It's very inflexible and unfair to say the kids always come first and the relationship always comes second. If he always puts you second, you are getting the short end of the stick, and he should realise that if he loves you he has to give equal importance to your relationship and to his relationship with his kids. Thanx for that input...I don't always want to be 2nd. I know he cares for me very much and he feels that there isn't enough of him to go around. What can I say or do to let him know I support him without cheating myself in this relationship?
ReturnToSender Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Okay, I will admit. My daughter is *the* most important person in my life...she will always come first. No one can compare to the amount of love and dedication I have for her. While I would never drop my daughter for any man for any reason, I would drop a man in a heartbeat if my relationship was a negative impact on her....in that, no relationship I have with a man could ever share equal value with the relationship I have with my daughter. HOWEVER! I made the room in my life and my heart to accommodate my bf...I do adore him, and wish for him to be a part of my life...luckily, my daughter is crazy about him too, and in no way does he have to second guess whether or not we accept him as a part of our little family...we do, wholeheartedly. No matter what...being with a single parent *is* hard...I actually agree that its a hassle and an emotional rollercoaster. My bf says it all the time..hes not courting one person, hes courting two. its not just about us, we cannot be selfish about our time, wants and needs...there is no throwing caution to the wind...kiddo is a consideration in much of what we do because she is a *major* part of my life. Hes dealt with me cancelling dates cause I coudlnt get a sitter, rushing home from lunch together cause I needed to pick her up sick from school, being mindful of how he talks and not being able to say whatever is on his mind when hes around her, the expense of taking not just one girl out for a date, but two... But on the flip, its incredibly rewarding as well...when he knocks on my door, he has not one, but two girls opening the door with hugs and kisses...its like a two for one deal.Hah! During the time we were having problems and we werent seeing each other...he hadnt seen her in a month...and a mutual friend said he was so down...he missed both of us and our family time together. Even with all these challenges hes not used to (Im the only single mom hes ever been with) he decided...its all worth it. It took awhile for us to consider ourselves a family though..and for awhile there, before I met him, I wasnt ready for that. If I had met him a year or two earlier...it wouldnt have worked. I was too busy sorting through my own feelings, getting my life back together after my breakup, and way too guarded and protective over my daughter, in not wanting her to go through a bad relationship with me again. It took me three years to get to a place where I was ready to open up my heart and my family to someon..and it really seems like that is whats happening here with this guy. He doesnt seem to be emotionally ready to carry on a relationship with both his kids and another woman and is keeping a distance. Its not hopeless though...if its what he wants, he will work hard to make it happen and in the end, things will fall into place when the time is right for them to.
Thornton Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thanx for that input...I don't always want to be 2nd. I know he cares for me very much and he feels that there isn't enough of him to go around. What can I say or do to let him know I support him without cheating myself in this relationship? There isn't enough of him to go around? It's like he's saying he can't love you because he gives all his love to his kids. That sounds very bad - a person's love isn't limited, he should have enough love for both his kids and you. You and the kids are all people who are in his life, and he needs to make equal room for everyone, not consistently prioritise them above you every single time. You're not asking him to put you above them, you're just asking to be treated equally as a person he loves and cares about. Particularly as you're the person who will still be in his life long after his kids have left home and only see him at Christmas. You wouldn't expect a married man in a loving relationship to consistently prioritise his kids above their mother, his wife, would you? You'd expect his relationship with his wife to be equally as important as his relationship with his kids. Well, the same principle applies even though you're not actually this man's wife or the mother of his kids - he cannot prioritise one loving relationship above another, i.e. his kids above you - he should consider you all to be his family. Of course, perhaps he doesn't see you in a permanent role in his life, or perhaps he really isn't into the relationship, given that he loves his kids so much more than you that there isn't even room for you in his heart. That would be my concern if a guy was consistently treating me as second best instead of loving my and his kids equally - I'd think that he saw them as permanent in his life and me as impermanent and therefore less important. My advice is to sit down and talk to him about this - tell him you feel second best and don't let him try to claim that's acceptable. You're not asking for priority, you're asking for equality, and if he genuinely loves you he should be able to give it to you. Unfortunately it sounds rather like you are second best - his ex-wife cheated and by the sound of it he's still extremely cut up about it. If I were you I'd give some serious thought about whether this guy is even ready for a committed relationship with someone else.
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