Lost and in love with wife who wants out

[snowmobile77]

Wow, I never thought I'd be on a forum like this. I'm sure that's the way it is for everyone here though. I'm not even sure why I'm here other than to get things off of my chest.

 

Here's my story in abbreviated form:

 

Just shy of 12 years of marriage that from my point of view has been great my wife drops that atomic bomb right on my soul. She brought it up at the begining of the summer, but then decided to stay the summer and let us work on our relationship. Well, I thought things went great all summer and I just knew that anyday she would tell me that things had turned around and she was falling back in love with me. Guess not. I work offshore and nearly two weeks ago after she and the kids picked me up from the airport she was just acting distant. after my routine of getting home and getting the kids to bed and putting up my offshore bag I was standing at my dresser and she came in and sat on the bed and stated that we needed to talk. Of course I wasn't ready for what was next, but I knew instantly what it was. "I want out." is all she said. This was the night that I got home from being gone for 14 days in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico! It hit me like a big truck. Even though I tried to talk to her about it I was so stunned that I don't even remember what it is that we talked about. To make a long nearly two weeks short, she left several days later to go look for a job and a house in Louisiana somewhat near her family. Of course I'm trying to avoid the whole divorce thing, but I know that for her I have to go with it and not fight it. I have no choice so I decided instantly that I'd be moving to that area as well to be near the kids. She is not giving any thought to what I need or want in the least. She thinks that she can just do what she wants and that I don't matter in the least. In the end, she is the woman and the mother so I get screwed even though I've been a loving and devoted husband, great father, and provider for my family. So far the only thing good out of the situation is that I've grown closer to God and I've put the whole thing in His hands. I've never before looked for signs, but I'm now a believer in that as well. After nearly a week of looking for nursing jobs she was unable to find one and is on her way back home to figure out her next move. To me that is a sign. She's a nurse with an awsome resume and couldn't find a job in a large town? A sign.

 

I of course don't want any of this and I'll do anything to keep my family together. I love her so much that it hurts and that was before any of this. We've tried counceling, but it was a joke really in hindsight. The counseler was very unproffesional and kept bringing her own problems into the sessions and would also more or less put my wife and I against each other in individual sessions. I'm setting up couceling with a christian councelor here in town and hopefully she'll be willing to go. If she'll just get the word divorce out of her head and just work on really getting whatever it is back that she's missing I know we can make it work. A lady sat and talked with me recently who had been divorced for 21 years after 20 years of marriage. In short she said that she knew that they could have made it work and been happy if they hadn't been so proud. Pride is what I feel is getting in the way at this point. I'm not against seperation, but I just can't get her to go for it. I know she needs to be near her family and I'm more than willing to move there seperatly and continue to work on things. I'm so lost without her!

[Chrome Barracuda]

she's cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with, why move back home? start snooping my friend...

[snowmobile77]

Been there, done that. I don't think there's been anything physical, but I'm smart enough to know that emotional cheating is just as dangerous and often leads to the physical part too. She's admited to flirting online. She's even admitted to a friend of hers that things like Facebook, MySpace, and the hundreds of trashy romance novels she's read in the last year are not helping the situation out. Even though I know all that, I still think that if she'd just get her head back in it that we could make it work. I need this as well as our kids. I just hope and pray that she decides she needs us as well. As for moving, I'm going to have to do that so that I can be in my kids lives. I will stop at nothing to be in there lives.

[singledad2]

Sorry to hear you going through this. I hear so much of the same story as mine, down to the number of years, willingness to do anything because of the kids involved, Facebook flirting. I've drawn nearer to God too. He is testing us, so let's learn from this.

 

I pray that the blessing comes to you soon. I hope that you both can return to counseling before its too late, which it was for me. Sounds like your priorities are straight, but hers are not.

 

I wish I could give you some great nugget of wisdom, but I will settle for letting you know I am praying for your family, and whatever He has planned that will come to you when survive this trial. Keep the faith. Let the man upstairs drive in the hard times.

[seibert253]

Something, or more than likely someone, if fueling her fire of discontent for your marriage. I'm sorry and some will disagree, but the majority of walkaway wifes, walkaway for a reason. Most often that reason is someone else.

 

I don't know the extent of your investigating, but if you haven't tried any of these, start now:

1. Keylogger on any computers she uses.

2. Get detailed billing for her cell phone. This will list the numbers of all incoming and outgoing calls and texts. Plus dates and times.

3. I don't know your fiancial situation, but next time your gone, hire a PI to follow her. If you can't hire one, see if a good close friend can do this leg work for you.

 

Hopefully there's no one else involved and she's just in a rut. That can be overcome in counseling both MC and IC. But both have to want to fix what's broken.

 

If there's another lurking in the shadows, that requires a different approach.

 

Whatever you do, do not give up. Make it crystal clear to her that you ARE NOT giving up on your marriage.

[LakesideDream]

she's cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with, why move back home? start snooping my friend...

 

 

Damnit Chrome.... You're correct of course, but a hard ass to a fault. The walk away wife syndrome is getting worse I think. The shame is there is nothing males can do about it.

 

I won't be around long enough to see if the worm ever turns, I'm afraid for the grandchildren I probably never will have that it will be a real mess when it does.

[ryepatch]

hey, just wanted to say make sure you get a pro-marriage counselor, interview them if you have to. it makes a big difference.

 

it sounds like you're doing what you can, some more details though would help us help you out more.

 

has your wife given you any specific reasons she's unhappy?

 

how old are you guys, what's your communication like?

[snowmobile77]

SingleDad, Thanks for the prayers! I've left it in His hands for sure and I pray that He brings her back to me one day.

 

RyePatch, We're in our early thirties with three kids, one of them being our nephew who I had decided years ago that we should raise due to his situation. The only thing she's really said is she is not happy and hasn't been for a while and that our personalities are just too different to make it work. Our communication or lack there of is what I think has been the biggest problem. Another problem is that I've been a a bit of a controling person...this is a problem that I fully own and have been in IC to rectify among other things. For our entire marriage she's admited to just supressing her feelings about how I was treating her and never gave me the chance to do anything about it since she never really told me. Now that I've turned that around for me she says it's just too late and we're not in the same place. To this day she still doesn't really talk to me other than to say that she doesn't want this and there's nothing either of us can do. She stayed the summer to try and make it work, but says it did nothing for her. The problem with this summer is that she lied to herself and me about her feelings the whole time. Never did communicate with me about how she was still truely feeling. In other words, she didn't stay this summer to work it out. There was no indicator at all this summer that she was still having problems so much so that I just knew that a couple of weeks ago she was going to tell me that things had turned around, but instead of that she just wants out. She will not do anything at this point to save it and admits that the summer was not real and she didn't put herself into it. She's become this self absorbed person who will stop at nothing to ensure that she gets out. She has convinced herself that there is no way it will work.

 

I've agreed to the divorce. I have no option. Divorce happens if I agree or not so at least I've got some say in how it happens. It takes two people to make a marriage work and she hasn't really been around for several years from the way she says. Yesterday we went to see an attorney and sorry for her, but he was promarriage. Imagine that! He told her that he felt it is his obligation to say that every attempt to save it should be taken because the kids deserve that. Well, she didn't like what he had to say so she's finding another attorney. I'm trying my hardest to be amicable about the divorce, but it's difficult. At this point, I'm in self preservation mode. I'm trying to keep two things intact. One being my God given right to raising my kids and the other is protecting my future- retirement even though it's a long way off. All I'm asking is that I have all three kids for most of the two weeks that I'm off of work every month and that my 401K isn't touched. Hell, I'm even paying for her moving expenses since she can't afford it. This just sucks anyway you look at it. The attorney told us that more than likely we wouldn't be able to keep joint custody of my nephew and furthermore says that she's risking losing him entirely to the foster care system since the state granted a married couple the right to raise him and now that will be no more. She knows in her head that this wouldn't happen, but I'm not convinced. She is listening to ***** house lawyers and not real ones. He also said that just because we agree on what we've agreed on that when it goes before the judge that he very well may not like what we've agreed on and tell me that I have to be a weekend father! NO, that does not work for me. I don't care what a judge thinks...a man can not be a father to his children two weekends a month and at soccer practice during the week! That's what she wants as well even though she's saying she'll go with the two weeks deal. She says she can't go two weeks without our 4 year old, but then later she says it's not good for him. She is being 100% selfish about the whole thing. Maybe not about what we're agreeing to, but in general. EVERYONE except her loses. She's convinced herself that the kids will be perfectly fine...they won't be part of the statistics. She's out of her mind and I'm stuck loving a woman who is destroying our lives. She is teaching me to become hateful and that is not me. I don't want to hate the woman I love and the mother of my children.

 

Again, I really do appreciate the words of encouragment.

[MoscaVia]

There is a support group in many comminuties- often run thru a church called "Divorcecare". I bet this would be right up your ally, I think you would really like it and benefit from it.

[snowmobile77]

Well, we went to another attorney this afternoon and my soon to be X paid her retainer after we discussed many things. I woke up this morning in a decent mood and thought that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I was feeling okay for most of the day until she forked over 3K$ for to retain this attorney. Wow, I've been in a funk ever since. I don't want to sit still, but can't do anything, am hungry, but the smell of food makes me feel sick. I'm messed up right now! Thank God for my parents. Yeah, I'm a momma's boy. I'm learning to take things one day at a time and right now I just want to get moved, get settled, and move on with my life and raising our kids.

 

It's wierd because yesterday we had one of the only shouting matches that we've ever had...even calling names and cussing-we've never done that, I've never said a truely cruel thing to her in 15 years. I went outside to cool off and went back and we both appologized. After that we got along great and even after the kids went to bed we watched a movie together until 1 in the morning while sitting on the same couch eating popcorn. Wow, what a roller coaster this mess is!

 

Guess I'm going to move it over to the "coping" forum. I'm not sure how anyone could go through something like this alone even if all they have is things like these forums. I'm thankful for the friends that I have and times like this you find out who the real one are for sure.

 

Tomorrow the attorney is filing the papers so I guess it's official. Our official seperation date is today which is only 10 days short of 12 years. I wish I could just fast forward to where my life is back together.

[JLoves]

I can't offer any advice sorry. I hope things work out for you though.

 

I read your story just now and I know exactly how your have felt over the past summer as I feel I'm going through the same thing right now.

 

We never argue either, and since the fallout from the ILYB and I started doing the 180 we haven't talked about our relationship at all.

 

I know some people say 'No news is good news' but like you I am thinking that things are going ok. If the other person doesn't talk about it then how can the other person really know whats going on?

 

I really want to ask her how she is feeling but one of the 'laws' of doing 180 is to wait until your SO brings up the topic of relationship.

 

There must be a way to talk about a relationship without making things worse.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just hope my marriage doesn't go the way yours seems to be going. Good luck with 'coping'