Non Talking Talkers

[Mr Nice Guy]

Ever been in a position where you're talking to someone and they don't seem to talk?

 

For example, you'd be talking to someone and you're carrying a conversation ie you're doing all the talking and they're not really saying anything. And even when its obvious that the conversation is over because its one-sided, they're still there expecting more. Or when you're talking, you ask them questions and they all they have are one word answers, creating a lot of small talk out of a potentially good conversation.

 

I bring this up because I find I'm having to carry conversations with a friend of mine who I really like. I don't even start the conversations either. Over the past two months since we met, she enthusiastically messages me online and then when I don't reply immediately, she messages me on Facebook chat. And as soon as I say something along the lines of "hey" and "what's up?" she'd say something like "not much" and go quiet. At the same time, in conversations, there's a lot of one word answers like "lol","hahaha","true", "ah", "ah right", "ya", "yeh", "oh ok", "bahahaha", "i see", "ah I see", "nope". The funny thing is I know she does talk, because we've talked and had good conversations even though she does open up occasionally.

 

I know what everyone's solution to the problem would be too: ask open ended questions to get her to open up. Yes, I've tried that and she sometimes turns a question designed to get more than a one word answer into one that has a one word response.I know every bit of silence doesn't have to be filled with mindless chatter, but it would be nice to be able to hold a decent conversation with someone who came out looking to talk to you and its frustrating that when you do talk they won't say a thing.

 

Along with my situation, what do you think about the whole thing in general? What are your experiences with people who want to talk but don't want to? What would you do? How would you handle it?

[Odyssey]

What are your experiences with people who want to talk but don't want to?

 

yeh.

[Odyssey]

(sorry i couldn't resist the joke).

 

Mr Nice Guy, the only time i ever had some do this was when they are busy multi-tasking, upset about something, or trying to push you away (without being nasty and direct about it). But then again, i'm not a big fan of messaging because it's almost impossible to read people's emotions from it.

 

Do you feel her behavior towards you has changed when you talked face to face?

[Mr Nice Guy]

I agree that reading emotions from online messaging can be difficult. And I do understand that people may not want to talk if they're busy, or upset or even trying to push someone away, because hey, even I tell people that I can't really talk if I'm really busy with assignments or other things. But I do try to make the effort to say a few things just to let people know I'm there and still talking to them even though I working.

 

 

Do you feel her behavior towards you has changed when you talked face to face?

 

Her behaviour in person usually goes either way, which I think is fine because that's how people are. I really can only guage her talkativeness from online chats, because that's how we've talked most of the time. I haven't had many opportunities to be around her a lot because her schedule is "open" but "closed" at the same time: she's not free even when she is. That makes it hard to ask her out and spend time with her.

 

It's the in-conversation silence and her frequent use of responses like "lol" that bother me. It just shuts down the conversation. And she's usually the one that says hi online first, sometimes when I'm actually still asleep in the morning. I know what "lol" stands for and I'm likely to conclude that what it stands for is what it means. But when she says it, she says it means something else, like "ok". And she also says its just something she says, like a catchphrase. I wanted to get to know her and her me, but its been really hard because I'm the one that ends up doing all the talking and after awhile it feels like I'm talking to myself. It gets frustrating and confusing that she openly chases me down to say "hi" and have a conversation but she doesn't say anything beyond "hey", "how r u?" and what she's doing at that moment.

 

Beyond trying to ask her open questions, what else can I do because I still want to get to know her. I've talked as much as I can and taken an open interest in her life. The funny thing about it is she isn't talking much, but people who don't communicate is one thing she doesn't like.

[norajane]

To me, those people are either boring (really, they aren't clever or thoughtful or interesting - they have nothing to say which is why they don't say much), or shy. Either way, it's work to keep up a conversation.

 

At least with shy people, you can eventually get beyond that. With dull people, there's nothing beyond to get to. You'll have to figure out whether you care enough to find out which she is, and whether you want to work that hard.

[Taramere]

Along with my situation, what do you think about the whole thing in general? What are your experiences with people who want to talk but don't want to? What would you do? How would you handle it?

 

Some people are just shy, or might feel ill at ease in certain social situations where they don't know anyone. I think most people, other than the super-confident, can get that. If I'm on familiar territory and I sense that someone who isn't feels ill at ease, I'll put a bit of effort into open ended questions to get them talking....but if I get a vibe that they're not their level of discomfort is the same, or worsening, I'll find a way to get out of the convo pretty quickly.

 

There are certain people out there who seem to use silence as a weapon. "I am royalty. Your job is to entertain me. I need not bring anything to the table other than my magnificent presence. If you fail, I will punish you with uncomfortable silences."

 

I was at a work related function one time. After the dinner I was talking to a couple of people from work, but out of the corner of my eye I could see a man standing nearby. He was talking to a man I knew and indicating in my direction with his head. The guy I knew took the man over to our table, introduced us and he (strange man) sat down next to me. Then remained silent. The man I knew wandered away.

 

Evidently I was being granted an audience with the King. Just like you, I asked him a few open ended questions. He somehow found a way to give one word answers, and things got more and more uncomfortable. I introduced him to my colleagues. The very act of introducing him seemed to kill all conversation as he had this oppressively rude, disinterested air about him.

 

After a couple of minutes, they got up and left the table leaving the two of us alone. I made further effort at conversation. More one word answers. I fell silent, and then he got up and announced really loudly "Dear me. Conversation between you and me appears to have dried up. I think I'll go and find someone a more interesting to talk to."

 

That was about it for me for the evening. I texted my then bf who'd said he would pick me up when I'd had enough. As I was leaving, I passed tosspot who was hovering superciliously and silently by a group of men waiting for them to draw him into the conversation. I stopped and said "X - it was a real pleasure meeting you. You guys really shouldn't let X walk away without making him sing for his supper. His anecdotes are a bit wild for my blood, but I think a lewd bunch like you will appreciate them."

 

I left to the satisfying sounds of them drawing him into the group expectantly.

[Mr Nice Guy]

Honestly, I don't think she's boring because the amount of time she spends at home on her own rivals the amount shes out. She does have some interesting things to say. But its what happens after she's said those things is what makes it difficult. When the conversation stalls, it feels like I have to start over again, because there's a good chance she may not say anything.

 

Just as a sidebar, last night I asked her if she wanted me to leave her alone if she was busy she said it was ok and "i don't have much to say...don't have a life really". I know she does and she kinda agreed after I listed some things about her life that I noticed. A different time I casually said that I knew a lot about her, probably more than she knew about me (which she agreed) and cracked a joke about being able to write a short essay about her. After she laughed, I said that she could ask whatever she wanted to and she said she never knows what to ask. If that's it, I kinda feel there's more than that though.

 

She's said in the past that she's shy, so I might put it down to that for the moment. Right now, I do care, because I think there's more to her than what she's showing. The question is, what else could I try? Or is just trying all I can do?

[Taramere]

It sounds as though there might be sexual chemistry, but little conversational chemistry between you. There's not necessarily a cure for that.