Author Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thank you very much. I guess I never looked at it that way. I certainly did follow my heart and handled this the only way I knew how. I knew I needed to try or I would never forgive myself. To finally know that she 100% does not want me, is liberating. I can say I never gave up. I wrote this girl some beautiful letters that took hours to compose, I made some amazing changes in my life out of my motivation to get her back. I did everything I could. One time earlier in our relationship we had a bad argument and ignored each other for a few days. Then on a 90 degree day, I decided to walk the 13 miles to where she works and wait for her shift to end. It took over 3 hours. I wanted her to see how sorry I was. When she came out she honestly didn't believe me that my car wasn't hidden around the corner somewhere. She didn't believe me until she drove me home and saw my car sitting out front. I don't think anyone will ever love her that much again. She decided to walk away from that.
Patrice Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Honey, there are a kazillion women out there that would cherish your thoughtfulness and your honesty and your ability to give. Heal up and know that you're a fine person and she is not. Be careful of your heart for a bit - you just focus on you. Hugs, many hugs to you.
PinkToes Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Honey, there are a kazillion women out there that would cherish your thoughtfulness and your honesty and your ability to give. Absolutely!
waterrat Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Exit, feel your pain buddy. Been there done that! EX has new BF a week after telling me that she does not want to be in a R at this point in her life. I was dumb enough to let her back in twice after walking away knowing she was a whack job. I felt and still feel like an idiot sometimes for not just walking away. I basically broke down this morning with a friend as we were walking our dogs. It has been 2 months since the break up. I am lucky to have a good group of supportive friends that you seem to have hear. I will repeat what they said as I was told today, it is not your fault, you should not feel guilty.. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully I too will take the advice I give! Take Care
WTRanger Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 This is the perfect post for anyone who thinks that ignoring someone is the "nice" way to go. If you had confronted her, she more than likely would say some BS like, "I was trying to be "nice" by not responding." I hate to tell her, not responding is clearly not the "nice" way to go. In fact, it's by far the most hurtful for you. You know what's nice? The truth, honesty, open lines of communication. Even the brutal truth is nicer than being openly ignored. It's good you can finally see her for the spineless fool she is. In fact, I'd feel sorry for the guy she has now, because it seems as if she's going to do the same thing to him. At least he was the adult about it. I don't think you were being "too nice" either. You just wanted an answer and you went to ridiculous lengths to get it. I challenge anyone on this board that they haven't done the same. I know I can't judge, as I've done it.
Author Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Honey, there are a kazillion women out there that would cherish your thoughtfulness and your honesty and your ability to give. Heal up and know that you're a fine person and she is not. Be careful of your heart for a bit - you just focus on you. Hugs, many hugs to you. Thanks for that. I believe it's true. I know I have a lot to give. I just hate that I was unemployed and depressed during this relationship, it really affected my ability to be a kind, happy person. Many days I really was rotten to her and that's why I kept pursuing her, because I knew I had done wrong and if I could only convince her that that wasn't my real personality. But I can't do anything for someone who doesn't want to listen.
Odyssey Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hey Exit, i wouldn't dump us just yet 'cause if there's a time you need support, this is the time! I know how it feels to sink deeper into the abyss, after threading water for so long, holding on to just a glimmer of hope. I wouldn't beat yourself up for all the things you've said and done because at least you did everything in your power. You did your best. You got an answer (some of us don't even have that). That is something to be f*cking proud of. It's only when all hope have been erased from a particular road, will you begin to truly let go and start healing. You know this. But just needed someone to kick you in the ass, to get moving again. Come on Exit, YOU know what to do (hell, you gave us enough good advise already). You are smart, funny and brave. I'm confident that you will find the strength to get through this. Dude, we got ya back - we're all fighting this thing together. Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe Good motto by the way.
smookie Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 buuuut I'm pretty sure I got ticketed at a Red Light camera for going through a Yellow light. Swear to god I was half way through the intersection and the light was yellow and I saw the camera go off. So now on top of all my pain, I probably have a $100 ticket coming in the mail If you are where i am then it is 235.00 and if you drive as a profession it is doubled ... You did the right thing exit ... When we really want something and we hurt we all as people go to any extent, we feel that we have to, we feel that if we do not then we might lose, You know what you did not lose she did, anyone to fight for a loved one like that is amazing. I havea feeling that I am on the same road as you. When I tell my ex to get lost or that if he is to busy for me then dissapear he comes back and trys to work it out, he sends video's of him and his friends having fun (they make me laugh) and he does this because he know I will laugh not to be mean. Please do not disapear on us here, You gave alot of Great advise to people and you should not just take off, You should maybe except that we on LS are your support system. Darn I read a post from 2002 that I did on here and it was the best advise ever. I wanted to run and hide because I messed up but I did not and 7 years later I am still here.... Being a strong chicky.... If you do decide that you are going to leave for a bit take care of yourself and remember that we will always be here for you... Kim.
Author Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Well I'm still here for now, mainly because the support in this thread has been helping. I'm still just really embarrassed that it happened that way. Kind of upset because I thought about meeting her earlier in the day when she got done working, but my friend called me to hang out and I thought "good, this will get my mind off of it". So I went out for a few hours, but then when I got home I realized I still wanted to find her. And the rest is history. I'm still just so hurt that she couldn't come talk to me herself. What an insult. Ugh....
GrayClouds Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Well I'm still here for now, mainly because the support in this thread has been helping. I'm still just really embarrassed that it happened that way. Kind of upset because I thought about meeting her earlier in the day when she got done working, but my friend called me to hang out and I thought "good, this will get my mind off of it". So I went out for a few hours, but then when I got home I realized I still wanted to find her. And the rest is history. I'm still just so hurt that she couldn't come talk to me herself. What an insult. Ugh.... Think of it this way; it happen they way it did because that is what you needed for you to move on. As grampa would say "First God taps you on the shoulder, then he gives you a push, finally he kicks you in the a$$". You cared for her deeply and needed a kick in the a$$ before you could let go. And what is embarrassing now, is a great funny story in the future and the ticket will be icing on the cake!
Surfer Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 You did all you could do..... She is with someone else.... whether it works out or not.... NC is the only way you will recover..... I just saw him with someone else and it hurts like hell.....
Beeotch Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Sorry about that Exit.... BUT it is the first day of the rest of your life Cheesy and corny as it sounds...it is true. You spent 5 months in limbo...static...wondering...waiting.The pain is not going to magically vanish but at least now there will be the pain then progress. I wish you wouldn't leave LS but everyone has to do what's right for them. So if that is what is best, do it. Feel free to pop in every now and again. It's only going to get better after this...promise.
Author Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thank you Beeotch. If I remember correctly, you were one of the people telling me to GET A F**King CLUE when she started ignoring me, so when I saw that you had replied to this thread I figured you might not go easy on me. As much as I still hate what happened, I do realize I needed it to happen. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster today, but the mood swings are much less intense than they were when I still had hope. I feel pain, I feel sadness, and sometimes I even feel happy, but the intensity of the emotions is much less than it was the last few weeks. I'm reaching more of a "baseline" emotion, hurt and disappointed, but ready to stop suffering. I guess I'm mainly anxious to find out the next time I talk to some of my friends, to see if word has gotten around, if people are going to know what I did. I don't really care, they don't know the whole story and if they want to judge me, go ahead, I just don't want to deal with it.
bluesky123 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Cheer up Exit ! You have provided many people great advice on this forum, our situations are very similar. You got an answer not the one you wanted but now you can move on and find somebody who loves you and gives you there 100%. Like my close friends say plenty of fish in the sea. I have also come to a realization today, it's way over between me and my ex and she's not coming back. Why waste our time for somebody who does not have time for us. I hope you feel better !
Author Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks, I'm doing my best. Going to work out in a little while, that always puts me in a better mood for a few hours. Still not easy though, just tried to watch a TV show but it reminded me of being with her. I'm grateful for one thing though, there is nothing for me to "do" anymore. Now that I'm not wondering anymore, I don't have to think about maybe she wants to hear from me, maybe she wants to see flowers on her doorstep when she gets home. I am finally free to stop coming up with ways to get her back. At least I'm over that aspect of it. Crappy rainy day today. Honestly it seems like every day over the past few months that meant something to me, our Anniversary in August, other important days, and then today, it always knows to be a rainy, gray day.
Maxwell Sage Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Oh my God... Your situation is horridly similar to my own... I dated my ex and lived with her for a little over two and a half years... She's the only person I've ever been in love with... Eventually the stress grew out of control and she was forced to move an hour away... In wake of her departure we remained in contact and even spoke of getting back together down the line. I visited her and she returned the favor. Both times she said she still had feelings for me and I saw a GREAT amount of potential for things to be better than they were before since we were personally in better places. She also told me that she was ready to move on and the next time she planned on dating, she didn't want the person to be me... So I guess she contradicted herself but I kept in mind that we had something going on... Perhaps I was using selective hearing or was just naive... Two weeks after she returns home from visiting me she randomly says she's interested in another type of guy and that there wasn't any hope of us continuing what we had... My heart shattered, I almost vomited, and I slipped into isolation and depression... I would periodically wane in and out of being suicidal... I continued talking to her in hopes of repairing things but was in reality only furthering my hurt. She became less responsive to my instant messages and I grew insecure about how soon she would move on... So insecure that I would suppress these thoughts and rule them out as being irrational... Then one night I'm talking with her about my depression and I ask why exactly we'd never be together so perhaps I could accept it more. She then reluctantly told me she'd had a new, older boyfriend with whom she shared a one of a kind connection for over a month. She said she'd been hiding it because I was already going through it hard enough without such sordid knowledge... I became somewhat hysterical and ultimately came close to not being here today... This took place a week ago, by the way... Also, I've been unemployed since Christmas and my birthday as well as the biggest rave in NorCal is taking place two weeks from now. I've only attended said rave with my ex on my side (and have done so for the last three years) and I already have my ticket... I'm feeling extremely ambivalent about both of these emotionally charged dates... Though I still wake up each morning with my mind jumping to my ex as well as her new relationship, things generally only hurt five percent as bad as they did once I first received the news. Of course this only comes after she b*tches me out for establishing NC and I'm reminded of why things didn't work... But things have definitely gotten wayyy better. Did I mention that today would mark our three year anniversary? The day that changed both of our lives for ever when we each fell in love for the first time and began the literally dream like first months of our relationship... I was dreading this day intensely... I assumed that I would only become obsessive and hurt deeply through out today's entirety. But what happened was I grew more accepting of the fact that she's really gone and not coming back. This is the biggest sign. Though I thought about her a good deal today, not much of it was in hurt... Also, I've experienced MANY ups and downs like yourself... On Friday I was suuuper happy only to contemplate suicide while obsessing over this on Saturday... Today being Sunday, I feel very solid and an only hoping to continue into the future with this state of mind. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to discuss things any further. aim: Maxwell Sage I wish you the best... I was so hurt and pessimistic about be able to find someone who could fill my ex's shoes that I wanted to give up on life entirely... Now I'm here doing well and hardly hurting at all in comparison to the morning after I found out what had been going on.
Beeotch Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Thank you Beeotch. If I remember correctly, you were one of the people telling me to GET A F**King CLUE when she started ignoring me, so when I saw that you had replied to this thread I figured you might not go easy on me. As much as I still hate what happened, I do realize I needed it to happen. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster today, but the mood swings are much less intense than they were when I still had hope. I feel pain, I feel sadness, and sometimes I even feel happy, but the intensity of the emotions is much less than it was the last few weeks. I'm reaching more of a "baseline" emotion, hurt and disappointed, but ready to stop suffering. I guess I'm mainly anxious to find out the next time I talk to some of my friends, to see if word has gotten around, if people are going to know what I did. I don't really care, they don't know the whole story and if they want to judge me, go ahead, I just don't want to deal with it. I'm really not that type of person...I come on the forums to help not to tear down, be judgmental, call people names and dictate to them what I think they should do. I did apologize for being harsh on you.It was just that I felt like I saw the train wreck and wanted you to avoid it but it wasn't going through to you so I guess I got impassioned and frustrated....then I pulled back and said, you have to sometimes live and learn. None of us can be mad at you for not listening to us as sometimes experience is a better teacher and maybe it was part of the "plan" that you had to go that route. What you learned by what you did was more powerful than anything anyone could tell you. Mistakes are not always a bad thing. But as I said....this is the begnning of things getting better. I am 95% healed. I have accepted my situation, I am not anxious or constantly upset about my ex anymore. I am lonely sometimes and I do think of certain things and get upset sometimes but it is not intense at all...and I know it can only get better. Just as how I happened across my ex, so will I happen across another person and so will you. And even BEFORE you meet someone else you will start feeling like your old self who actually feels fine being single. I'm excited for you....as trust me....you're on the journey to real recovery.
Author Exit Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Yeah, at this point I am more excited to be happy being single. Definitely not looking to fill this gap right away. I learned so much from all of this and that's really the only positive spin I can put on it.
t0ri Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 What a selfish, cowardly, cruel woman your ex is! Sure, that was not the ideal scenario to give you the final shove you needed to begin healing, but nothing is ideal. Now you can let go of her finally, and begin to focus your thoughts and actions on YOURSELF, not her. I know it's difficult, because I'm the same exact way, but try not to beat yourself up about whatever mistakes you made during or after the relationship. You live and you learn. You might feel embarrassed and hurt, but those feelings won't last forever. Only good can come from leaving this ex where she belongs - in the past. I'm happy for you that you can finally mend your heart! Stick around here I wish the best for you, and everyone's right when they say there's a million girls out there who'd appreciate every ounce of your being.
Author Exit Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Thank you. I almost slipped a little while ago and thought I would see if her MySpace says anything, but it's time to let go of that type of behavior. I was just talking to my friend about places I'd like to live and I brought up Virginia, which is a place both me and my ex liked but never managed to go together, stuff like that still stings, but it will get better with time.
Author Exit Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Blah... my sleep schedule is all screwed up now. I'm just feeling really hurt that she didn't have enough respect for me to handle it before it got to that point. Now, I know I'm at fault for the fact that I couldn't get go, that I insisted on going to see her in person, BUT, if you can't completely change your behavior, the next best thing is to admit to it, and try to avoid it. And that's what I did. I couldn't change the fact that I wanted to confront her so badly, but I did try to avoid it. On Friday I sent her a message telling her I didn't want to upset her, I didn't want it to get to the point that she calls the cops on me, that I would be happy just to have a response. On Saturday, I thought about finding her after work, but then a friend called me to go out, so I again texted her "Almost came to find you after work today but luckily something came up. Please say something and we can avoid this mess". Still no reply, so Saturday night I showed up. And I know nobody who hears the story from her will hear that part of it. I feel like the Southwest Airlines commercial... "wanna get away?". I wish I could disappear. I really wish I had let go when she first told me to. But the only reason I didn't is because I really changed and I wanted her to see that. I would have let go if I was still the same person. If I had given her my best during the relationship and she spit all over it, I would have let go. The hardest thing this entire time, was knowing that she was right, knowing that I did do a pretty terrible job while we were together, and that's why I pursued her, because I knew I could do better.
mimiminx Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Hello Exit- I am sorry... But I am glad that you finally got what you needed to move on. As much as it hurt you, it probably was the best thing that could have happened to you. In time, you will look back and be happy it did happen, as hard as it was for you. I hope you don't mind I want to share my story, maybe it will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel as I did. I remember being in that situation with my first bf of 4 years. He became involved with another woman while we were still together. He told me to move out, he didn't love me anymore, etc. So I left. He then said he loved me, wasn't sleeping with her, just a friend, etc. After only 2 weeks of breaking up with him, I had to find out for sure just for my own peace of mind to move on. So, I called this woman (she was his co-worker) and I asked her what was going on between them. (I know this is crazy but I felt I had to do it). She told me "Well, he and I want to be together. We were waiting for you to move out so we could start dating." I THANKED HER. I was a horrible mess, I remember crying on the phone to my mother while I was walking down the street. I was shaking. For a week I was paralyzed but I felt an amazing strength and resolve within myself to move on. The following weekend a girlfriend of mine invited me to go on a double date with her and her guy and their band manager. We really hit it off and we flirted, talked the whole night, nothing came of it but I was enjoying the attention. Only a few weeks after that, I met who was to become the love of my life. As soon as I met him, I knew I could fall in love again. I did and quickly. When I met him, I felt the same excitement as I used to feel for my ex. I realized, "wow.. there is life beyond my ex! It's a long story, and he's the one that just left me but regardless... it took me getting a really huge, hurtful kick in the *ss from my ex to help me move on. And I did, and I never looked back. For me it happened quickly, there is no time frame. But the best place you can be is where you are at. The pain will be there, but it now finally start to lessen. So many great things are ahead of you now! Keep your chin up.. the best is yet to come It may not seem like it now, but it will, I promise.
Author Exit Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Thank you, I am feeling pretty down right now but it is better than having my heart and mind pulled in all directions, better than her having ignored me for another day to leave me wondering. I do think I will be able to move on now. I just wish she could have handled it better.
john1988 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Exit I was totally against what you did initially but you did what you had to do to get your closure and I respect you for that, she didn't want to give you it but you went out and took it anyway so hats off for that and now you have your answer you can move on with total piece of mind. You hear psycho ex stories all the time from girls and I never used to question them but with my experience and others I would take them with a pinch of salt.
Author Exit Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Hah.... just when I was feeling good, I got a text message from her on mistake. It said "guess he came back and left the flowers...", she must have meant to send that to her new BF, and she's referring to me and the flowers I had with me the other night. I never took them back. Maybe someone found them outside and put them on her stairs again.
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