Got the answer that I needed, time for me to leave the forums

[Exit]

Well, in the most embarrassing confrontation of my life, I finally got the answer that I was looking for, there is no hope with my ex. Too embarrassing to go into detail. God it was an awful situation... and I think there is a lot of pain and sadness that I am going to feel once it really hits home, but for now I am actually relieved, happy that I can stop wondering, happy that I can stop being confused by her mixed signals, happy that I can wake up tomorrow and spend my energy thinking about other things. I asked myself the other day "geez, I wonder what all my brain power could have been used for if I hadn't spent the last 5 months thinking about her every second". Hopefully tomorrow will be the first day I get to find out.

 

You know, I read books about "letting go and letting god", about living like water, taking the path of least resistance, trusting in life and going with the flow. I ate up every word of it, I loved it, but I didn't truly apply it to my life. I fought the current every second of every day. I wanted her back no matter what else life had in store for me. I couldn't let go, I didn't trust life's plan for me. So now I most likely ruined any chance of her ever talking to me, but again, I almost feel a sense of relief, at least now I know.

 

I advise all of you, as hard as it may be, to LET GO. Clearly I was too weak to do that and I have paid the price. Please STOP thinking about them, STOP obsessing, and trust that the BEST thing you can do is improve your life, and if they want you back, you will hear from them.

 

I don't want ANYONE to go through what I experienced today.

 

But now that I have my answer, now that I want to move on, I don't think visiting the forums will be healthy for me. Thank you to everyone who ever left me a piece of advice. Thank you for the people who tried to drill it into my head even as I resisted. I apologize to anyone who I ever gave an attitude to.

 

I have over 500 posts in a few short months. I hope some of them brought some help to some people. I was fairly good at giving advice, but terrible at following it myself.

 

I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight, just as I'm typing this, the adrenaline has already started to wear off and the events of tonight are starting to sink in.

 

I wish you all the best. Undoubtedly, love is the most wonderful, and most terrible thing we can experience in our lives on this planet.

 

If I had the power to throw a switch and have ALL of you get the loves of your lives back, I would do it without a second thought. I would do it even if I had to sacrifice ever getting my own ex back, because I see the pain an confusion in every single post on this forum. I have been in pain every day for five months and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. There are some really decent people here who are suffering over some really worthless ex's, and others who really did lose a good person. I feel your pain, trust me.

 

Well the tears are starting to flow, I think I will head downstairs so the rest of my family doesn't hear my crying.

 

Maybe one day when I am healed, I will be able to come back, and give advice to people who are walking down the same path that I was on.

 

For anyone who actually reads all of this, as I sit here crying, I have one thing to ask of all of you. Leave your ex alone for a few days. Not for their benefit, but for yours. Go out with your friends and ENJOY it, don't be sitting there thinking about your ex. And if those few days go pretty well, try it for a week, try it for a month. If you've already sent your ex a letter, or some flowers, they already know that you want them back, you have done your part.

 

Goodbye for now Love Shack community.

 

-Scott

[BW007]

Hey don't break up with us we still love you!

Oh crap I am doing it again.

 

I had the same feeling a while ago but got knocked on my ass the very next day by some new info..(she got preggo already) and I needed to come back here. I know what you mean though...Like for instance right now I still have so many feelings about my ex that I don't even know how to write about it honestly. Do what you need to but this place is always an outlet as long as it doesn't make you obsess about your ex

 

Also, tell us what happened tonight. Can't be that bad.

[DSM2709]

Hey Bud, I'm sorry for your pain. I too felt like your feeling. I was able to meet other people and am having a good time not thinking about my ex. Yes of course I miss her, and we actually speak almost everyday, even though I know we may never get back together. I miss her like crazy, I would do anything to get her back, but I know it may never happen. She tells me about her current boyfriend, and how over protective he is, but that he also has a drug problem, gee I never had that problem when I was with her. However, she stated to me she wanted to "see what life had to offer", well I hope she's got her eyes open for this guy. I'm lucky to be meeting new people, even though it not pan out to anything, but it takes my mind off of her for a while. All I can say is keep your chin up, and press on. Life will get better. I too cried like you are, and I thought I would never meet anyone else after my ex, but I am now, and it feels pretty good. Best of luck to you EXIT, Godspeed.

[roxport]

Wow. I just joined this forum. Thanks for posting this exit message. I hope to learn how to cope with things. I have already read many similar postings on this forum tonight that reflect my situation. My wife doesn't love me anymore (and she is divorcing me) and we have 3 wonderful children and 16 years of marriage. I still love her and don't want to be divorced. I let her love slip through my fingers and now I'm paying the price. Now I just have to figure out what these damn acronyms mean. IC,WH,WH,MM,LOL(j/k),etc.

[NopeNah]

Good luck, Bro!

[Exit]

Yes, I know I probably won't leave for good, even as I posted that I thought about writing "if I handle this as well as I handled forgetting about my ex, I'm sure I'll be back on the forums tomorrow". I probably will not be gone long.

 

Hey why the hell not... I've shared the rest of my story with everyone else here, guess I'd cheat you out of the juicy ending if I didn't explain.

 

We broke up in April. After that we had a pretty long period of limited communication, we were talking about our relationship back and forth on MySpace, she would still answer my calls, she would answer my texts. Recently, without warning or explanation, I saw my MySpace letters were going unread, and she ignored my texts no matter how much I asked for a simple response. There was no transition period into breaking off communication, not the slightest hint in any of her letters that said "it's about time to stop communicating, let's say our goodbyes". I had even told her a while earlier to go ahead and block me on MySpace, she responded "no, I am fine with this". I had no idea what to think. I sent her text messages saying "have you decided that you would like us to stop talking? If so please just tell me so I know that I should give up". I'd get no response. I even went so far as to tell her "you know me, I'll end up trying to find you in person. Please let's avoid that mess, I don't want to upset you, please just tell me over the phone that you do not want me to pursue anymore". Still no answer. Although ignoring someone is a pretty clear sign of disinterest, it also boggled my mind that she wouldn't openly tell me to go away. So in a strange way, in denial I guess, her silence was giving me hope. I thought she had finally started to hear about some of the changes I made, I thought the fact that I've been patiently working on this for 5 months was starting to make her wonder, and that there was a reason that she couldn't tell me to go away for good.

 

I wanted an answer. I went and bought flowers and sat on her front steps tonight. Eventually I was getting too anxious so I kept walking around the block. Then as I came around the front I saw her window was lit up, I guess I had missed her coming home. So I called her, and heard footsteps coming down the stairs, I thought she was finally coming to talk to me. BUT, it was the new boyfriend. Luckily no blood was shed and I talked to him for a few minutes and told him things similar to what I just explained above, that I had been communicating with her, she suddenly stopped talking to me, and I had been asking her to just acknowledge that she wanted me to stop, acknowledge that it was time for me to give up, and she wouldn't. He was cool about it, told me he understands that I'm having a hard time letting go of this one, but that I should take his word that she would like me to stop trying. Aaaand that was it.

 

The painful part that is going to sink in at some point tonight is that he was at her house with her after midnight, meaning they've only been together a short while be he already spends the night there. Awesome... but why torture myself thinking about that.

 

So I feel like a fool. I know I should have let go. But she led me on, and I fell for it. Only a short while ago I told her about the movie Eternal Sunshine where a couple decides to give their relationship a chance even though they realize they tried once before, had a bad breakup, and erased their memories of each other. I told her I wished she would watch it. She told me "figure out how to get me a copy", not "that's insane, I have a new boyfriend, why would I want you to bring me a movie". She did things like that all along. So as much as people would probably like to call me a stalker and a psycho, I'm sorry, but her actions were tugging my heart in every direction and I simply tried to follow my heart, I wrote her letters when I felt like I had something to say, I pursued her because I thought our love was worth another chance. I'm very embarrassed after so many people advised me to give up, laugh and call me pathetic if you want, I'm sorry, I thought I was doing the right thing.

 

But as much as I hate myself right now and I wish I could go hide on another planet, I know she could have handled this better too. I should be glad that she doesn't want me back, clearly she hasn't changed. Can't communicate, can't say what she really wants. I let her know that I was suffering and one last conversation would have done me a lot of good, what kind of person denies someone a 20 minute conversation if it would really make them feel better?

 

I tried so hard every day to remember her flaws and get myself to the point of thinking "I dodged a bullet" as they say, realizing how flawed she is, but I just couldn't convince myself to stop loving her.

 

So there's my embarrassing story for the benefit of others hear. Despite not knowing any of you and being behind a computer screen, it's still really hard to admit that just happened to me. So trust me, I am only sharing it because I hope someone will benefit from it. Unless you want to end up in my shoes, stop looking for hope where there isn't any. HOPEFULLY your ex is decent enough to communicate clearly, and you'll never be in my shoes in the first place. Hopefully you have the type of ex who is willing to sit down over a cup of coffee and talk things out. But if not, if someone who shared their life with you for years can suddenly ignore you like you're dirt, realize that you're better off moving on.

[BW007]

Dude you did nothing wrong and the new guy actually was pretty adult with you...more than her cowardly ass. Seriously, I went through the same thing.. I begged her to talk to me at the end, face to face. I could have used that ending conversation so much too. I made an ass of myself to her. Not having that definitive conversationit set me back for months. She just cannot communicate well.She cannot. It is beyond her to face up to some difficult truths.

[Exit]

Thank you so much for your decent reply, I think I'll be too scared to check this thread any more after today because I think other people will be a little bit harder on me and make me feel like an idiot.

 

You are right, the new guy certainly is more adult that her. I actually admire him for what he did. Definitely no hard feelings there and despite the fact that I've been pursuing her I told him I wasn't trying to "break them up" or anything like that. He understood.

 

So a big round of applause and congratulations to her, up until the very end, she didn't have to face her own problems, she didn't have to do her own dirty work. She got exactly what she wanted, an easy way out.

 

Deep deep down, I know this girl isn't worth it. Even as I asked her to have a final conversation with me, I wrote to her "I'm asking for compassion and communication from someone who lacked that all along, so I doubt I'll have any luck". And it's true. She couldn't talk to me all along, that's why we broke up because I had no idea she was unhappy, how did I expect her to pull up a chair and look me in the eye and talk to me about our past.

 

She has had 3 breakups in her life now and they have all been like this. The guy before me still drove past her house and left notes for her, asked her mom what he could do to get her back. The previous guy, I don't know the exact details, but I know many mutual friends were mad at her for shattering that guy's heart. And now there's me. I wonder if in her little mind she thinks she has honestly dated 3 psychos, 3 stalkers, who pursued her after the breakup. I'm sure she can't admit to the fact that it's the SOUL CRUSHING way that she dumps people out of the blue and refuses to talk about it that makes people behave that way.

 

Shame, the new BF seems pretty cool, sucks that he'll probably be in my shoes some day. But he seems better equipped to handle it.

[jaybird1043]

Exit...you are too damn nice, she used you until she replaced you! You really need to read No More Mr Nice Guy,,, its not about her, its about you, you are better than her in every aspect of life. Do not give her anymore of mental/emotional time, she does not deserve it. This is your time, do what YOU want. I'm with ya bro, I got dumped a few weeks back and fight the urge everyday to call her, I put a list of everything that drove me nuts/ that I hated about her, I tell myself that if I can live with all these cons, then I can call her...I never make it past #3 and i have almost 30 things written down.

[Exit]

Thank you. Yeah, I've heard a lot about that book. I don't think I fall under the complete "nice guy" umbrella, I didn't totally kiss her butt while we were together, but I was too quick to buy her things and help her out in many different ways the entire time I knew her, without ever getting very much in return. So maybe I will check that out.

 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about her "cons" but never wrote them down. Maybe I need to have it down on paper.

[logitech]

I think anyone who cares about how they live their life can benefit reading it

[hoping2heal]

FWIW, I saw the part in your post where you said if you had the power, you would flip a switch and give us all our ex's back. Here's what I have to say about that. I can remember a time feeling hopless about exes, feeling dark, abandoned, like I would never feel happiness again or laugh at another joke. Like I would do anything to have them back, I would treat them so well..I would do so much for them. It never happened, and you know what? THANK GOD. I mean that..THANK GOD it NEVER happened.

 

With each ex I got more and more closer to what I need in my life and a better, more compatible, more loving man. Now I have someone who is wonderful and has the most beautiful heart I have ever seen. He blows all my past loves straight out of the water and had I ever gotten back with any of the exes I would be stuck with them, who weren't as loving, fun, compatible or beautiful in my eyes as the man I'm with now.

 

I know it never ever feels like it in the moment, but an ex dumping you (provided it wasn't because of unfavorable repeated offense or infidelity on your behalf) can sometimes be one of the best things to ever happen to you.

[Exit]

Yeah, I thought about that as I typed it, I'm sure not everyone really wants their ex back, or may want them back but it isn't what they NEED in their life. Basically all I meant is I wish all of us here could be happy.

 

Rough night as I expected. 5:40AM, still up, just went out for a drive. First I was feeling good, there's some good music on Saturday night radio, buuuut I'm pretty sure I got ticketed at a Red Light camera for going through a Yellow light. Swear to god I was half way through the intersection and the light was yellow and I saw the camera go off. So now on top of all my pain, I probably have a $100 ticket coming in the mail.

 

It thought it was "Sinking in" a few hours ago, but it keeps sinking deeper. Keep feeling more hurt that she is sleeping in the same bed with him already. I know I brought this upon myself, I didn't have to be there tonight, but on the other hand, I could have woken up tomorrow morning still not having an answer, and having all the painful hope in the world that she was still coming back. So I don't know what's worse. I wish I could just laugh at the fact that she is moving so quickly again. But I don't want to comfort myself with false thoughts like "oh, this relationship will fail too".

 

I thought what I found out today would really help me move on, I'm kinda bummed that I still feel this bad. But I realized a minute ago as I was getting a drink of water, I shouldn't expect what happened today to heal me. It may finally allow the healing to BEGIN now that I am done hoping, but I shouldn't expect to feel healed already. 5 months into it and it's like I'm only now accepting reality. So unfortunately I probably still have a few months of healing ahead of me with no contact, no snooping, no anything. It will be tough being alone on all the holidays, and her birthday is in December.

 

Stupid, stupid me, I have still had thoughts throughout the night that some day she will feel bad that she handled it this way and that I'll hear from her. Stop hoping, idiot.

 

I don't even know where my head is at anymore. I don't know if I really loved her or if I've just completely had her on a pedestal and started to believe the BS. I know there were times in the relationship where I was just as ready to end it, so why do I feel like I must have her back.

 

I hope she is decent enough to keep this to her self, but knowing her, eventually any and all mutual friends will hear about what happened tonight, and without hearing my side of the story, everyone will think I'm a pathetic stalker.

 

As far as leaving the forums, maybe not. I created this thread when I was emotional and at the moment I felt like I just needed to cut all ties to anything involving her, even being here discussing her would just be prolonging my pain. But I like having somewhere to vent. I dunno.

[Heartbroken-idiot]

hey scott, im going through exactly the same thing right now, sat in tears because we had been contact everyday and now its silent, ive not changed, ive asked her whats going on and she just ignores me, im not sure if shes with someone else, in all honesty i dont think she is but i cant move on untill i know why she has gone quiet, why she has just decided to ignore me for no reason.

 

i know you have your answer now and to be honest, it just completely sucks doesnt it.

 

i really feel for you, your original post made me cry a lot.

[RedDevil66]

You should NOT feel like a fool, you loved you, you wanted her back and you did what any man in love would do, you tried to win her back.

I think it takes a real man and real true heart to do what you did.

She lead you on not out of a bad heart, but just maybe didn't want to hurt you. Maybe she did it to protect you not knowing she was being selfish.

 

Letting go is really hard and I think the universe just gave you that final push. I recall this "final push" myself. When my ex of 11 yrs left me for another women, he kept coming back and I kept taking him. Never knowing he was still seeing the other women.

This went on for 8 months after he moved out. I was a MESS. A TOTAL mess!

The other women finally confronted me to tell me she was not out of the picture and didn't know he was still seeing me.

Her and I confronted him together and I knew it was FINALLY over.

She won him. Lucky me, him leaving was THE BEST thing that ever happened to me.

It didn't feel like it at the time. It took me LOTS of therapy and a year to get over it, but I did, I survived.

[GrayClouds]

 

I thought what I found out today would really help me move on, I'm kinda bummed that I still feel this bad. But I realized a minute ago as I was getting a drink of water, I shouldn't expect what happened today to heal me. It may finally allow the healing to BEGIN now that I am done hoping, but I shouldn't expect to feel healed already. 5 months into it and it's like I'm only now accepting reality.

 

That the thing we all think if we just knew everything we coudl understand it, but the fact is the more we know, the more we have to think about, and the more questions he have. It makes it worst not better.

 

Don/t be hard on yourself about tonight. She was gaming you.

 

The last 5 month you spent to much time in hope and too little in healing. the pain form Hoping is a worst then the pain from healing because while both have their ups and downs, at least healing moves you forward. You just stay stuck in hoping. Now you can move forward.

[tinke]

Exit, no cause for shame. I admire your efforts, your courage, AND your ability to express yourself. You tried, if not, you may have wondered "what if" for a lifetime.

No harm done and nothing to feel embarressed about.

 

Hope for exhaustion and some restful sleep...things will get easier!

[hopesndreams]

I felt your pain in your post. There is no need to beat up yourself for what you did and no one here will do that for you, either. Yes, it wasn't the wisest decision to go over there and then to top it off, talk to the guy that she is now seeing. Her not giving you closure is just part of a cheaters MO. They are all cowards. She had weaned herself off you. You have served your purpose. You have been used and abused. My H tried pulling the same crap on me, which at times I fell for, but ended contact with him end of July. He had me on a string for 5 months, same length of time as you. He still writes, trying to reel me in and asks to visit me, but it's done now. You will feel so much better in a few weeks, I guarantee you that.

 

It's better to know and you have accomplished that. The only way for you to go now is UP. Get your mind focused on other things, the things you enjoy. Put yourself out there in the dating world and even though it sux...it will help get your mind off her, if even for a little bit.

 

Keep posting as well. Reading the posts and helping others can strengthen your resolve and know for fact, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she is no longer a part of your life and one day you will be thankful that she isn't. Her loss. Honestly.

[PuertoRican]

I just wanted to say i totally agree with what you said..."what kind of person denies someone a 20 minute conversation if it would really make them feel better?" Even though i got a conversation, i had to FIGHT and DIG OUT anwsers from him....it was pathetic!! And trust me, the communication thing is WORSE IN MY SITUATION because im a communications major!!! So, if i can't communicate with someone it REALLLY eats me up! Ugh...i also wanted to comment about how you said that your gonna be alone for the holidays. I feel the same way too and MY birthday is in December lol...we always have family!! And trust me, you aren't the only one who tried to get anwsers in an ADULT way....my ex tried to avoid it and get the easy way out...the only thing we did different is that i AM LETTING GO instead of pursuing...Thanks for posting consequences that happen if you don't. =/

[wondering_girl]

hi exit, the lack of communication and ignoring the situation hurts, you guys are right because it leaves us wondering and hoping.... did something actually happen (that we did for example, trying to communicate, and persuade them) that actually knocked some sense into them? i'm going through it right now... ignoring me after me telling him how i feel.. i've left it alone but you're right it's so hard to move on when you still have that little "hope" i hate it, i wish it would just go away.. because i'm fearing that the hope is going to be crushed once he comes out of his cave or if he chooses to have a revelation.

[Exit]

Thanks so much for the support guys. Woke up feeling crappy today, still thinking about it unfortunately, but I know slowly it will fade away. I do think this is an improvement over my old routine, eventually I'd text her during the day, once again begging her for just a one word reply "should I give up?". I'd go on MySpace multiple times to see if she logged on, to see if my letters said "Read". I deleted my account last night and deleted pictures of her, the files for the letters I had written, everything.

 

Slowly the rose-tinted glasses are coming off and I am starting to see her as a really poor person. Yes, some of you are right that most of what she did was probably trying not to hurt my feelings, writing to me, letting me bring her flowers instead of rejecting them, etc. But I tried to call her bluff on that, I told her that very thing, "if you think you're doing me a favor by letting me hope instead of telling me to give up, you're wrong, please tell me to stop if there is no chance". She just wouldn't let me go. She has moved on with her life in so many ways and it didn't bother her ONE BIT to know that I was suffering every single day. I don't know how she can sleep at night. She had the power to set me free and she refused to do so. She has such a problem with avoidance. I'd contact her to ask why she wasn't reading the letters even though she had been logged on and every time she said "I'll read them when I have time". Days went by and I realized she was just yanking my chain. Such a cowardly way to answer me. She had no intention of reading them.

 

Someone posted that I did the right thing so I won't spend my life wondering "what if" and that is so true, that is exactly why I was asking her to TELL me to give up, because I refused to give up on my own. I really did many things wrong in the relationship and I still feel guilty about that, I couldn't handle the additional guilt of giving up on her and then wondering if I had quit too soon. And I think she was trying to manipulate the situation so it would appear that way. She wanted to ignore me so I would give up, so she could tell herself maybe I met someone, or maybe I hate her now, that way if we ever talked again in the future, she could say "you're the one that gave up". Now she doesn't have that satisfaction. I tried and tried until she sent her new boyfriend to do her dirty work for her.

 

For as much as I beat myself up and feel like the breakup was my fault, I have to force myself to remember that she left a 4 year relationship to be with me, she felt no remorse about what she did to that guy, and I was foolish enough to think that the same thing wouldn't happen to me. It's strange, she seems to be the "heartbreaker" type, but doesn't do it with 2 or 3 week relationships. She prefers long term. She never really "Dates". She gets into heavy, involved relationships, but then still leaves them as easily as someone you met at a bar a few weeks ago.

 

Somehow I'll get through this, I hope. Right now I'm back at the bottom and have to start climbing my way up. Honestly I hope I never hear from her but luckily I don't think that will happen.

[Patrice]

Karma is a bitch ... you wait, since you've evidently treated her well - she'll be back when she gets hurt. Remember what you're feeling today and move on to someone who deserves your time and attention. Your day will come on this one

[PinkToes]

Hey Exit, I'm proud of you. You followed your own path and got the answer you needed. I doubt it would have had the same impact if you'd done it any other way. Guess I'm a big fan of the Wizard of Oz mantra, "you needed to find out for yourself..."

 

And don't beat yourself up for the amount of time you feel you wasted. If got you to where you are now, totally ready to move forward. And really, a lot of people spend a lot more time in that space.

 

Take care.

[Exit]

Thanks again guys, feeling a bit better and I know the process will go faster this time now that I have no reason to contact her. Going to spend this winter working out and getting in shape.

[Patrice]

What in the world should you feel embarrassed about ... think about it.

You put your heart out there - that's a sign of a confident man. Keep moving forward and remember do NOT look back on this one. XXOO