Having family over leads to flashbacks to the good ol days :(

[kahn2154]

I’ve had family over starting this week who I haven’t seen for 6 years, and before that 12 years and just started getting flashbacks to when I was kid living in Poland for a year when I was 5, which for some reason I never think about. This was the last time I was happy in life and really wish I could go back. I lived with my mom’s sisters while there, mainly with one but got tossed around between the other two also, just had tons of family as opposed to now or since I came back, my parents have been divorced since I was 3 and I have absolutely no family in the states, I guess most people that have family are sick of it, but I’ve always been alone, holidays consisted of basically either me and my dad or me and my mom or me alone which sucked.

 

On top of that it was the last time I had friends, I don’t know if it was because I was five and you could make friends with anyone, but just lived in this huge area with many apartment complexes so basically there was never a dull moment. I actually had a dream about my best friend at the time last night which got me thinking about her. She was my first real friend in life and one of only 3 in my life, lived a floor under my aunt’s, was 2-3 years older than me and my only friend in life that was a girl (but I’ve only had two guy friends soo….) Last I saw her was for about an hour when I was 17 she was 19, went over my aunts for a few days and from the moment I got there kept asking my aunt if I could see her. She was engaged, kind of wonder what she is up to now, probably has a family now, and I doubt I will ever see her again since my aunt and uncle moved out of that apartment complex a few years back, which just feels kind of weird and sad.

 

Also, just by being around my mom and family just opened my eyes to how badly my mom has been to me, I knew she wasn’t a good mother but basically she just looks for ways to criticize me and my aunt has basically told her to STFU when she starts. I’ve had some positive reinforcement for like the first time in my life which has been weird, would have been nice to grow up with it. I really need to get away from my parents, especially after realizing how the best year of my life was one that didn’t involve either of them (I was in Poland for 10 months without my mother and father.)

 

Anyways, after I was taken back to the US, I forgot English but quickly learned it again within a year, but transformed from outgoing kid to incredibly shy during this transition. In Poland I hated food and was active and came to America where I had no friends and sat inside and watched TV (no good TV in Poland at the time) and rediscovered McDonalds and junk food also (none of those in Poland either at the time) and became obese. Combine these two factors and I became the outcast and ****ed myself for the rest of my life.

 

Also saw a locker room full of naked teenagers showering/changing when I went with aunt to pick up cousin from Pool practice thing, they didn’t mind 5 year old walking through showers for some reason and thought I was cute actually! First and last time I saw naked women in real life, so combine that with the fact I had a girl who was a friend and I was much closer to having a sex/romantic life at 5 than 23! Can someone please invent a time machine already I peaked way too early in life.

 

For some reason if I was given a choice whether to live in US or stay in Poland even to this day I think I would choose US for some reason, but I would have been definitely much better off there. Had a relatively normal life and it probably would have continued as opposed to getting fat, having no friends, losing weight but still looking terrible and now having no social experience and being a creepo that no one would ever want to be around. Basically went from a situation where I had so many people who loved me to now where if I were to die the only two people that would give a **** would be my parents. Just falling into a deep depression thinking about these great memories I completely forgot about that just keeping coming back to me. I guess this was just some rant to get off my chest...

[e.clipse]

hugs to you, kahn. i hope you are not feeling as blue tonight.

 

perhaps i am mistaken, but i think it is easier and more comforting to reminisce in past memories, especially if we don't have anything similar to them today. add to that the innocence of childhood--a time in life where life's simple pleasures made us happy--and it's easy to yearn to return to back then, to the better days.

 

but see, it's my belief that childhood happiness is a pure type of happiness that we will never have again. it is not that the happiness we may experience as adults cannot be pure in essence, but simply that it is not the same and certainly not as simple.

 

as we grow, so do our complexities. suddenly swinging at the park is not the best thing and a kiss from our mothers does not make all the pain go away. but likewise, the swings and the bruises on the knees are things that are quickly forgotten; just as easy as it is to be happy, it is as easy to forget it.

 

because of that, i think that what we tend to yearn for the most is not necessarily that brand of happiness, but rather the simplicity of childhood.

 

the moments you remember are happy moments, certainly, but they are also moments that remind you of an easier life that by default made happiness that much more attainable.

 

that said, i can understand the nostalgia triggering depressive episodes. but you must think, during difficult situations, don't we all wish we could go back home to a time when life didn't expect so much from us?

 

in this sense, these feelings can become vicious, if you just let them exist without direction. i know it probably sounds cheesy, but if you are unhappy today, kahn, then it might do you better to try to make friends, lose weight if you feel you need to, engage with other people--whatever will make memories of childhood past put a smile on your face, not tears down your cheek, so to speak.

 

if you think it can help you, perhaps you ought to try to reconnect with your family in the here and now so as to create new memories. after all, there is no going back to Poland (and even if you do, you will no longer be a child) and your first best friend will no longer live in the complex underneath your aunt's.

 

memories are good, kahn, but not when they become haunting. when they do, treat them as ghosts: confront them, release them, and let them become stories to talk about, not stories to harm you.