Cheated.... do I still tell?

September 20, 2009

Hi I'm new to this forum and I have done something stupid. I cheated on my fiance of 2 years (1 and 9 months of bf/gf and 3 months of engagement). I made-out with his best friend two weeks ago and needless to say we both feel guilty but decided to let it go and that it's not going to happen again.

It was at his house where it all happened so fast. We kissed and it was when he started taking off my shirt and caressing me on the top that I stopped it and told him no that I couldn't continue and I left crying.

I know I should come clean but I recalled on two occassions right before we were engaged, he did told me that if I ever cheated on him once or had thoughts about it he would rather not know unless he was at risk of contacting an STD or I was pregnant with another man's child.

So I'm stuck whether to still tell so it can possible be over or keep to myself like he previously told me to. I'm trying to let this go and be happy with my engagement. I have never been engaged before and I'm so nervous.

Help, I'm crying right now by the way... This is who I want to spend my life with and have kids else I wouldn't even be posting here.

September 20, 2009

first off he is not his best friend! best friends don't do that to each other,don't care if their drunk or sober. me--- i think you should tell you're bf,get it out of the way cause his ex-best friend is probable gonna tell someone,and it will get back. be better for you to tell him(in my opion), then make sure you're nowhere alone with this ex friend.

September 20, 2009

You need to decide if you are going to start a marriage built on lies or built on the truth. Regardless of whether he wants to know, he NEEDS to know what you have done. He needs to know that you cheated and disrespected him. If you REALLY loved him, how could you have ever done this? You also need to rethink your marriage, if you can do this sort of thing, now, how will you be faithful in the future? If you have any love for him, you need to tell him, and let him make the decision whether to stay with you or not.

September 20, 2009

BTW, I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm letting you know the truth. Your Fiance' will almost certainly find out, at some point, that his fiance and so-called "best friend", cheated behind his back. You clearly are not ready for marriage. I'm sorry to say this, but it's better to know now than to find out after your wedding.

September 20, 2009

first off he is not his best friend! best friends don't do that to each other,don't care if their drunk or sober.

We did had a couple of drinks but not to the point of getting wasted so that makes it even worst because I was still clearly conscious that day. No he is not his best friend, not after what happened.

me--- i think you should tell you're bf,get it out of the way cause his ex-best friend is probable gonna tell someone,and it will get back. be better for you to tell him(in my opion), then make sure you're nowhere alone with this ex friend.

No he won't tell a word about it. Besides me and him there is no chance of it ever coming out unless one of us were to get very drunk to the point of revealing what happened which is very unlikely. Even so, I feel I'll never get rid of this guilt. Now all my illusions of marriage is shattered, so much for wishing this all my life.

If for some reason he decided to still be with him (if I told him even though his wishes is to not know) then how long will it take to get back what it is now or at least close to it? Marriage? I don't know what I would tell my family since some are anxious about the day when we will finally get marry...

September 20, 2009

OP, you need to stop worrying about your marriage, and work on rebuilding your fiance's trust in you. You need to be the one to tell him, so he knows what kind of friend, the other guy truly is. You can regain the feelings you had, only if you are honest. If you don't tell, how will you be able to speak your vows? Will you lie at your own wedding?

September 20, 2009

If for some reason he decided to still be with him (if I told him even though his wishes is to not know) then how long will it take to get back what it is now or at least close to it

Things will never be the same. He may eventually forgive the betrayal, but he'll never, ever forget it. And that will impact your relationship in very significant ways. Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to rebuild.

But starting a marriage with this kind of lie? How long do you think it will take for you to forget that it happened? Do you think you can?

Why did you do this with his best friend? Maybe you really aren't ready to commit to a marriage, and this was your subconscious telling you so.

September 20, 2009

You need to decide if you are going to start a marriage built on lies or built on the truth. Regardless of whether he wants to know, he NEEDS to know what you have done.

I know, I have always been the one against lying and deceptions as I hate it sooo much, I really. Even if they don't want to know about it, isn't it still wrong to keep the person unaware of it. I know doesn't to know about it as he previously already told me to only tell him if it's regarding STD's or another man's child. What if I do tell him and he responds something like ''I told you not to tell me, it's over now''. There's got to be a reason why he wouldn't want to know. I would want to know if I was him.

If you REALLY loved him, how could you have ever done this?

Please don't lecture me on what I shouldn't have done as I'm already feeling very guilty to the point I'm thinking of getting his inicials craved on one of my arms..

You also need to rethink your marriage, if you can do this sort of thing, now, how will you be faithful in the future? If you have any love for him, you need to tell him, and let him make the decision whether to stay with you or not.

And see all my illusion and what I always dreamed of shattered right before my eyes.... I don't even know what I will tell my family, they will be very disappointed in me. I can imagine the look in my parents' eyes if they found out what I did to this wonderful man they adore a lot...

September 20, 2009

If you don't tell, how will you be able to speak your vows? Will you lie at your own wedding?

That's what I've thinking. What if when the day comes and we were to speak our vows I start crying in the middle of the ceremony since I'm a sensitive person when it comes to hiding and/or lying about something I did. I'm going to cry and for sure he as well as my family and his family will wonder what's going on.

September 20, 2009

But starting a marriage with this kind of lie? How long do you think it will take for you to forget that it happened? Do you think you can?

I think I will never get rid of this guilt and it will end up consuming me. I will probably be on depression pills and he would always be wondering what's wrong with me while I start inventing any excuse. I don't know if I can live with it. Maybe I can but I find myself I'll always be crying about it. I get along with his parents as they are unaware of what I did to him. But if they found out for sure they would totally hate me and I don't think I can picture myself looking them straight in the eyes and saying how it won't happen again. I don't think they will believe me. My own parents will frown at me if they found out about it. Even my friends will be dissappointed since I been always teaching them about honesty, integrity and not cheating on anyone or anything (I once told a teacher when I caught a friend of mine cheating on an exam but she thanked me later). Now I will be look down as a hypocrite...

Why did you do this with his best friend? Maybe you really aren't ready to commit to a marriage, and this was your subconscious telling you so.

If I state it will be seen as giving out excuses when I know fully well there is never an excuse to cheat, yet I did it but ok here goes. 3 months ago when he proposed I was very happy to the point I went drinking with my female friends and we were all very drunk (I even threw myself with vine all over my shirt). I have never felt so happy before. The first time a man proposes as I used to be an ugly ducklin as a kid all the way till I was 14 along with acne problem back then. Thanks goodness it's now long gone but those memories would hunt me at times and at some point I thought no man would want to propose to me...

As to why I did it with his best friend? Within me I was so content and anxious on getting married that I got nervous and that's when I messed it up big time with him. I got to the point of telling him some of my anxiety as well as happiness at the same time which he responded that he understood and right the next thing is he kissed me and I kissed him back. Then we made out and I stopped it when he was starting to take off my shirt and caress me on the top...

September 20, 2009

So your ugly duckling past has created this need in you for external validation from men?

That makes me think even more that you aren't really ready to commit to marriage to this guy. It's like you're just grateful that he proposed, grateful that someone - anyone - proposed, so you're thrilled.

You've mentioned far more how much your parents would be upset and his parents would be upset than you have about how much you love your fiance. Are you sure you're getting married for the right reasons? And are you sure that your need for validation won't get you in trouble again at some point when you find yourself alone with a guy who makes you feel wanted and attractive?

September 20, 2009

OP, You are having a hard time, but you can still do the right thing, tell your fiance, so he will know what an a**hole his friend is, and so your fiance will know you are an honest person. If he loves you, he will try to make it work. You did a bad thing, but don't make it worse by keepng up the lie. You have to think, not about your BF, but about your self-respect. Do you want your marriage to be a lie? Ask your BF, what he thinks about this and I think he will be understanding. If not, you weren't meant for each other anyway.

September 20, 2009

So your ugly duckling past has created this need in you for external validation from men?

No the past is the past. I have buried it as I should be focusing now on coming clean to my fiance. I know I was ugly and fat (well not too much but I was still considered very much overweight) back then esp. with my acne problem starting as early as age 10. That's why the early school years had been a nightmare then. I have now gotten past that but now I'm reminded of what I did.

That makes me think even more that you aren't really ready to commit to marriage to this guy. It's like you're just grateful that he proposed, grateful that someone - anyone - proposed, so you're thrilled.

I'm happy he proposed as he means the world to me. I have feel in love before with 2 of my ex's but not like right now with him. If asked if I would sacrifice my life for him in a life-death situation (ex: a bullet coming towards him) I would not hesitate, I would do it. I would intervine and let the bullet hit me instead of him.

You've mentioned far more how much your parents would be upset and his parents would be upset than you have about how much you love your fiance. Are you sure you're getting married for the right reasons?

Yes I want to marry him because I love him, want to spend my life with him and definately want to give him kids......as many as he wants to

And are you sure that your need for validation won't get you in trouble again at some point when you find yourself alone with a guy who makes you feel wanted and attractive?

It won't happen again, I have learn my lesson. Now I will have to risk losing him I guess.... I'm sad....I'll take myself a complete day to sort my feelings out and stop crying as I'm still am and then proceed on see what follows if I come clean even know he already said no to it. This won't be easy..

September 20, 2009

Do you want your marriage to be a lie? Ask your BF, what he thinks about this and I think he will be understanding. If not, you weren't meant for each other anyway.

You're right I don't want a lie in my marriage. I want to get this thing off. Right now I feel like I'm carrying something over 100 Ibs and it's killing me on the inside.

September 20, 2009

I think you will come out of this,better than you think. When you talk to your BF, make sure to stress that you didn't do anything more than kiss, and then stopped. Be sure he knows that nothing like this will EVER happen again, and be completely honest about his ex-friend. Also make sure that your BF knows that you are doing the honest thing and would not want to marry with a lie on you conscience, which is why you are telling him. You didn't have sex, or anything, so he will probably be grateful for your honesty.

September 21, 2009

the old saying"the truth shall set you free" is quite true, it will help take away those 100 pounds. i agree w/ boldjack,and admit to the kissing. while i do feel bad for you as you do seem sincere about your screwup, you must set your bf down and tell him.

September 21, 2009

If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him you need to tell him. Also, his "best friend" is a douche that would have gone all the way with you if you gave him the chance. Trust me, guys like that will brag to other friends. Except he will make it seem like you were all over him.

September 21, 2009

Please don't lecture me on what I shouldn't have done as I'm already feeling very guilty to the point I'm thinking of getting his inicials craved on one of my arms..

You have gotten a lot of good advice here, but please, do not do anything foolish like get his initials carved on your arms. That is pretty skanky, to be honest, and many relationships do not last. You are talking about a totally permanent scar; at least a tattoo can be removed when the R falls apart.

September 21, 2009

Don't marry him. If you can cheat on him before you even walk down the aisle you do not really love him so let him go.

September 21, 2009

So I'm stuck whether to still tell so it can possible be over or keep to myself like he previously told me to. I'm trying to let this go and be happy with my engagement. I have never been engaged before and I'm so nervous.
Help, I'm crying right now by the way... This is who I want to spend my life with and have kids else I wouldn't even be posting here.

My xwife cheated while we were engaged thinking I'd never find out. Boy did I find out years later and 2 kids.

She didn't give me the informationI deserved to have to make an informed decision whether to stay with someone that can handle committment or not.

So basically years of my life were wasted because the person I married wasn't who I thought she was.

You had the tits to cheat, have the tits to come clean. Because if you go into this with that secret, and he finds out AFTER you marry him, all hell is going to break loose.

And seeing as how it was with a friend, don't think his friend won't ever tell.

You need to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a painful and messy divorce later.

September 25, 2009

That is so wrong!

and you even tried to justify it! PATHETIC!

October 7, 2009

I'm in no way supporting 'cheating' but sometimes it's okay to have secrets. Think about who's getting more out of this confession, you or him? Are you trying to rid yourself of guilt and make yourself feel better, or does he really have a right to know?

I think sometimes people confess to this stuff to make themselves feel better. Additionally, you didn't have sex and frankly if he said not to tell him, I wouldn't. If he finds out, I mean, he TOLD you not to tell him ! I feel like stuff happens and sometimes we slip up because we are human. And I think it's wrong to judge a situation until you are in it.

I'm sure this isn't an answer most people would agree with, but I don't care. I don't endorse cheating, but we aren't perfect and it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love that person.

October 7, 2009

my bf has the same mentality as yours and told me the same thing.... i kissed some hottie french guy at a club in january (we were together 4 months at that point) when i was on a 3-week trip to mexico and i didn't tell him... i didn't really feel that guilty since i flipped the scenario in my head and if he made out with some hot chick at a club while he was in another country i wouldn't want to know either and really wouldn't care that much if i did.... not a dealbreaker for me

your situation is a bit different... you are way more serious about each other (engaged) and the other dude is his best friend.... and you're about to get married... i mean to me that indicates that there must be *something* wrong with your relationship or with your personal feelings.... dig deep...

other than that, its your problem to live with the guilt that you have... oh and make sure other dude doesn't have herpes as that could be passed on via saliva...

good luck!

October 7, 2009

my bf has the same mentality as yours and told me the same thing.... i kissed some hottie french guy at a club in january (we were together 4 months at that point) when i was on a 3-week trip to mexico and i didn't tell him... i didn't really feel that guilty

then you are not fit to be in a committed relationship.

since i flipped the scenario in my head and if he made out with some hot chick at a club while he was in another country i wouldn't want to know either and really wouldn't care that much if i did

ya, I'm sure if you found out he cheated on you, that you wouldn't flip out:rolleyes:

October 7, 2009

then you are not fit to be in a committed relationship.

look, that's not for you to determine... i'm in the relationship that i'm in... it's not a conventional relationship and that's the way i like it... maybe you don't consider it "committed" but you're not the person i'm dating, are you?

ya, I'm sure if you found out he cheated on you, that you wouldn't flip out:rolleyes:

right... that's what i said... i wouldn't... been there didn't flip out... but then again i wouldn't want to know either... are you going to make a moral judgment on that too?

just providing a different perspective for the op and that's what this board is all about... i thought...

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