feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Ive been with my fiance for ten ++ years on and off with some very rocky times. We have two wonderful children we did live in wonderful house that I had to leave. About two months ago he caught me lying about drinking and told me if it happened again we were threw. I started seeing a counslor and was feeling really good about bettering myself. I had admitted to having a drinking prob and all and was doing really good with not drinking. He inturn started going out alot and leaving me home alone with the kids (later found out it was because he was so mad at me he couldnt be around me). Well two weeks ago yesterday he went out and ignored my calls I told him I felt like he didnt love me anymore to which he never responded, after coming home after the bars closed we didnt talk I went to a pinic without him the next day and drank way too much. when he showed up and caught me like that I flipped out because at that point I thought my life was ovr. I have since left the house because he doesnt want me there. He has been talking to plp who have told him to let me deal with me and we need to seperate for awhile. My life feels like its over. I havent had a drink in two weeks Ive gone to a meeting it hasnt bothered me at all Im right back to being ok with it as I was before when I thought I was doing a good job at bettering myself. Now he wants a break from me so we can step back and try and decide if this will work. Well I told him no breaks if he wants a break we need to be threw forever+++++my reason being we have taken breaks in the pasts and it turns into him cheating or us both being with other plp to turn around and decide its not what we want and there is a ton of heart wrenching things to try and put behind us and it never fixed anything.. I want things to work and I know there are so many things we both need to work on but I think we need to do it together not seperate. I have given him a choice of either all or its over forever and I dont know if Ive done the right thing. I just know I cant let him roam free and then come back its what ive always done and now I feel like he knows I'll always be there no matter how many times he needs a break. Im torn about so many things there is so much more to this but I'm trying to keep it short.. Any advice? input? Thanks
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I would suggest you attend AA and him Al Anon to work on your addcition. These sort of on and off r/s are par for the course with addictions.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 There's a huge communication breakdown that the both of you need to mend. The problem isn't just you, but him as well and unless the both of you start sitting down and seek options ( such as AA or counseling) this relationship will end up destroying the both of you emotionally. You need to seek help for you drinking and he needs to find ways to positively confront your drinking aside from avoiding and running away. Know that the both of you have kids that might be affected in the course of things and that as parents the both of you need to set an example in front them so they won't emotionally affected.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I really dont think the drinking was the biggest part of the problem, I think that started more so when things started to feel like they were going down hill in our relationship. I think I have a problem with I was using that to try and mend what pain I had from the lack of comunication with him. I feel like with that Ive hit what they would call bottom and dont ever see myself using that to mask a problem to only make it worse again. I have asked him and told him I needed his help with it and he said he would but then was at the bar three nights a week (not so much of a help). I went to the house today to drop off the kids and check on the animals and sure enough he restocked the bar sometime over the last week (not so much of a help) I am starting to think this was an excuse for him to get out and take onther one of his "breaks" thats why I told him we try together or its over for good. The rocky parts of our relationship usually consist of us breaking up because things got boring for lack of better term, I only left him one of the 5 fives due to him cheating the rest were all him leaving. Everytime its the same thing I get away from him try and better myself emotionally and physically and then move on, he dates and then decides once Ive moved on he wants me back. Ive always taken him back no matter how bad he hurt me with the hopes that things will be better. For a short time they are then we fall right back into the same rutt where we forget about the fact that we need to work on this on a daily basis or it does go stale. This time because of the past I feel like he's looking for a free pass to be single, Ive told him if he really loves me we need to work it out together not seperatlly cause I wont take him back I cant go threw it again. He says I'm backing hm into a corner and being selfship we need time apart to figure out if we are both willing to change and work on it. Is it right to give him this ultimadum or should I give him space again. I feel as though that hasnt worked in the past and I dont think I casn emotionally deal with him out on a singles pass again. Im such a mess right now and him having the kids tonight is just making my feel alone and severly out of control of my emotions......
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Wow...ok..first off...I'm not going to try and pass any judgement, second off, I'm not going to pass any religion because I am still on the fence about it all myself....3rd....go back and re-read your post and quit justifying. If you really love this person, go to AA and ask him to go to Al-Anon. If he doesn't agree, he will go on to have a happy life. If you continue to go to AA, you might also have a happy life....nuff said.
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I really dont think the drinking was the biggest part of the problem, I think that started more so when things started to feel like they were going down hill in our relationship. I think I have a problem with I was using that to try and mend what pain I had from the lack of comunication with him. I feel like with that Ive hit what they would call bottom and dont ever see myself using that to mask a problem to only make it worse again. I have asked him and told him I needed his help with it and he said he would but then was at the bar three nights a week (not so much of a help). I went to the house today to drop off the kids and check on the animals and sure enough he restocked the bar sometime over the last week (not so much of a help) I am starting to think this was an excuse for him to get out and take onther one of his "breaks" thats why I told him we try together or its over for good. The rocky parts of our relationship usually consist of us breaking up because things got boring for lack of better term, I only left him one of the 5 fives due to him cheating the rest were all him leaving. Everytime its the same thing I get away from him try and better myself emotionally and physically and then move on, he dates and then decides once Ive moved on he wants me back. Ive always taken him back no matter how bad he hurt me with the hopes that things will be better. For a short time they are then we fall right back into the same rutt where we forget about the fact that we need to work on this on a daily basis or it does go stale. This time because of the past I feel like he's looking for a free pass to be single, Ive told him if he really loves me we need to work it out together not seperatlly cause I wont take him back I cant go threw it again. He says I'm backing hm into a corner and being selfship we need time apart to figure out if we are both willing to change and work on it. Is it right to give him this ultimadum or should I give him space again. I feel as though that hasnt worked in the past and I dont think I casn emotionally deal with him out on a singles pass again. Im such a mess right now and him having the kids tonight is just making my feel alone and severly out of control of my emotions...... My BF is in AA. We have had a very rocky relationship, to say the least. We've had too many of these "I need space" times and they never EVER EVER worked. All they did was push us further. Well last week we went to couples therapy and he didn't like what I had to say in there. He told me he needs "time to think" about if he wants to be together or not. I've doubled my time in Al Anon and won't wait for him to decide my fate, I'm going to continue in Al Anon to get the support I need to face these issues. I used to believe in the "need time apart" but that only works in healthy relationships.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I will see todAy what happens we Re supossed to tAlk if he doesn't avoid it again. I know he if really mad at me for forcing him to make a decission but I feel like I need one to move on. Everytime we have taking a break from eachother or left eAchother thinking it wAs over and moved on it has givin us someother horrible price of the past to try and but behind us. I just hope he realizes that after all we've been through it isn't as heAlthy as he thinks it maybe or wants it to be. I know I may sound like a broken record but I'm in so much pain and stuck in such. Horrible plCe right now. Come to find out that when I was in theropy for the first month and a half with no slip ups And doing good (I thought) he called one of my family members to say that us splitting was coming soon cause he wa losing that feeling. This I think pushed me over the edge that dAy. Now I sort of feel like him using me And something I was working really hArd on chNging wAs pArtilly an excuse for him.
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I'm suspecting you're drinking right now. Your spelling is not clear as in the other posts. Listen, please do not destroy yourself. It's ok to be hurt, it's ok to feel broken, just promise yourself you're going to try to look into getting some help. Alcoholism is a very very deadly aflliction and nothing healthy ever comes from it. You need to focus on you and not him and what he's feeling. Are you willing to go to AA or talk to an addiction therapist?
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 My BF is in AA. We have had a very rocky relationship, to say the least. We've had too many of these "I need space" times and they never EVER EVER worked. All they did was push us further. Well last week we went to couples therapy and he didn't like what I had to say in there. He told me he needs "time to think" about if he wants to be together or not. I've doubled my time in Al Anon and won't wait for him to decide my fate, I'm going to continue in Al Anon to get the support I need to face these issues. I used to believe in the "need time apart" but that only works in healthy relationships. I know exactly what you mean on this Red Devil, I'm going thru the same thing with my STBX. I've gone back to Al Anon to work on healing and understanding that I can't fix him, nor should I be responsible for fixing him. It's just too frustrating to give your life to someone who won't even recognize that they have a problem with this disease and how it affects their relationships with everyone they come in contact with.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Wow thanks for your input. No actually I've drank only once in two months and that was two weeks And one day ago. My key pad on my phone doesn't work as well as the computer. But again thanks for your words of insperAtion and yes I am see a professional addiction counsalor.
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Wow thanks for your input. No actually I've drank only once in two months and that was two weeks And one day ago. My key pad on my phone doesn't work as well as the computer. But again thanks for your words of insperAtion and yes I am see a professional addiction counsalor. oh, I'm sorry :-( Yes, please talk to someone. Also, I'm going to PM you with a great site you can visit where there is a ton of knowledge on this subject.
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I know exactly what you mean on this Red Devil, I'm going thru the same thing with my STBX. I've gone back to Al Anon to work on healing and understanding that I can't fix him, nor should I be responsible for fixing him. It's just too frustrating to give your life to someone who won't even recognize that they have a problem with this disease and how it affects their relationships with everyone they come in contact with. My Bf has messed up a lot with the people in his life. He's been in AA for over a year and sober for over a yr, but is really just not drinking and not worked the program. He's a dry drunk. Which is even worse than when he was drinking. I'm no angel, believe me, and it's been a very rough ride. He's on a break from me right now (first he's ever initiated) so time will tell if he comes back or not. If he doesn't, I'll continue on my path to self discovery.
2sunny Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 work the steps while you both are in AA and Al Anon. this will show you what happy actually looks like - for you.
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Wow thanks for your input. No actually I've drank only once in two months and that was two weeks And one day ago. My key pad on my phone doesn't work as well as the computer. But again thanks for your words of insperAtion and yes I am see a professional addiction counsalor. Glad to know that it was the keypad.... Seriously, I've gone back and read some of your other posts in other forums...you guys have a long history of hurting each other....I've been there as well with my relationship. The going back and forth on leaving, coming back...etc isn't good for the kids. I know this because my own teenage son asked me if we were finally done because he was tired of dad moving out and moving back in all the time. What is really stopping you from ending this hurtful relationship? With the infidelities on both parts...do you ever see this being a healthy relationship? If I could have gotten out of my unhealthy relationship 10 years ago when I wanted to, I'd be much better off now for myself and my kids. Just some insight....I think you realize that drinking is an issue (I think it could even be on both parts), but I think that your addictions might run deeper than that....you sound like you are also "addicted" to him....an unhealthy attachment. Put yourself first in this scenario for the kids and keep going to the counselor so you can heal. Work on you, if he is worthy, he will work on himself and see where it goes from there.
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 My Bf has messed up a lot with the people in his life. He's been in AA for over a year and sober for over a yr, but is really just not drinking and not worked the program. He's a dry drunk. Which is even worse than when he was drinking. I'm no angel, believe me, and it's been a very rough ride. He's on a break from me right now (first he's ever initiated) so time will tell if he comes back or not. If he doesn't, I'll continue on my path to self discovery. So sorry, Red...I think that my husband is absolutely miserable when he's not drinking and doing other "recreational" things. He doesn't see how miserable he is and how miserable he makes everyone else. I've just seen him get so negative in the past 2 years since he started hanging out with his new drinking buddy. Of course everything and everybody else is to blame except him and his obsessions. To hear his side of the story, he is a happy, go-lucky person when he is drinking and fun to be around.....until he blacks out or "drunk-walks" and then the chaos begins. I can't handle him and our son has just seen too much. We are on our 3rd break this year...in 15 (3 of those married) years we have never taken breaks. So, I am done with this one...I give in...Let Go and Let God...I will find my happiness somewhere else.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 "Just some insight....I think you realize that drinking is an issue (I think it could even be on both parts), but I think that your addictions might run deeper than that....you sound like you are also "addicted" to him....an unhealthy attachment. Put yourself first in this scenario for the kids and keep going to the counselor so you can heal. Work on you, if he is worthy, he will work on himself and see where it goes from there." thank you because I have been thinking this myself. I almost think thAt him and the hopes of the family I dreamed of with him is going to be the hardest addiction to overcome. We Are suppose to talk very soon so we'll see whAT happens.
LakesideDream Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I'm a little lost here. You have a serious drinking problem. It's destroying (or has destroyed) your relationship with the man you have children with. You promise to deal with the problem. He's hesitant to believe you, and tries to have privacy. You take his need for quiet time (not seperation) to have a binge at a picnic, and he reacts badly.... So you give him an ultimatim, "If we seperate, we are threw" (through). That takes some nerve. I suggest you comitt to being sober. Either find a rehab, or get into an AA program. Suggest he join an Alanon group. Put some time and effort into getting and remaining sober. Show your partner that you are willing to make any changes and effort needed to square yourself away. I hope that will convince your partner to be patient. Whether you are in the home or not. You both have a big investment in time and effort, not to mention the welfare of the children to protect. There are few things more difficult that trying to live with a drunk, even a part time drunk. It's frusterating beyond imagination.
LakesideDream Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Oh... and a little added question. Why after ten years and two children have you decided not to marry?
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 So sorry, Red...I think that my husband is absolutely miserable when he's not drinking and doing other "recreational" things. He doesn't see how miserable he is and how miserable he makes everyone else. I've just seen him get so negative in the past 2 years since he started hanging out with his new drinking buddy. Of course everything and everybody else is to blame except him and his obsessions. To hear his side of the story, he is a happy, go-lucky person when he is drinking and fun to be around.....until he blacks out or "drunk-walks" and then the chaos begins. I can't handle him and our son has just seen too much. We are on our 3rd break this year...in 15 (3 of those married) years we have never taken breaks. So, I am done with this one...I give in...Let Go and Let God...I will find my happiness somewhere else. I'm sorry for you as well. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love ruin their lives. Let go and let God is right. Easy to say, SO hard to do. hug
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Oh... and a little added question. Why after ten years and two children have you decided not to marry? I really don't think that is relevent.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Well over for good. Time to take care of my children and myself. Time to work on me and get over my worst addiction to him and all he has put me THROUGH not threw. Thanks to all who have taken the time to try and help and not bash me.
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Well over for good. Time to take care of my children and myself. Time to work on me and get over my worst addiction to him and all he has put me THROUGH not threw. Thanks to all who have taken the time to try and help and not bash me. Sorry to hear that Feel, please keep posting on here and let us know how you are doing...and please stay with the counselor so you can work on bettering yourself. There is so much advice here and many people who have been through similar issues, we are listening. Stay Strong! Hugs!
trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I'm sorry for you as well. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love ruin their lives. Let go and let God is right. Easy to say, SO hard to do. hug Thanks Red.
RedDevil66 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Feelrealempty, how are you? Talk to us
Author feelrealempty Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Thks for asking. I'm hanging in there. Lastnight was rough. Our son had parent teacher night at school and it was hard to sit there next to him and not be together. He was very cold to me. He was all about staying nice to eachother and getting along and helping me on sunday. Yet lastnight when I asked him for something from the house he screamed at me in frnt of the school. WTF. Well I changed my cou seling appt and I'm going tonight instead of waiting until thrusday. Boy will he be suprised when I fill him in. It's tough I keep thinking somethings wrong with me cause I keeping hoping he'll comeback.
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