Why do I feel this way, a year later? Did I make a mistake?

[Whisperer]

I'm a nineteen year-old girl, who has only ever had one boyfriend.

 

My (then) boyfriend and I met when we were both 15. We live about 3 hours apart and started emailing all the time. And then a year later, he asked and we were a couple from there. We talked on the phone almost ever night, visited each other a lot for two years.

 

In the beginning on 2008, we broke up for about 3 months. I don't even remember why, it was so petty.

 

Then, about a year ago (we were 18) he went to college and we broke up again. It was my fault. I just didn't know what I wanted. He was the only boyfriend I'd ever had and I felt the need to "see what else is out there" or something stupid like that. We had never kissed (again, my fault) and I was unsure. I wondered if maybe we were better off best friends or more like brother and sister?

 

I was fine after that. We remain on good terms, but don't talk often. He's had two girlfriends since (currently on #2). Good. I really do want him to be happy.

 

I was happy too.

 

But now a year later, I feel sick. I'm afraid I really, really messed up. I don't even know... this started about four days ago. For some reason, I thought of him and now I can't stop. I'm not hungry and I feel like crying all the time.

 

He is a really great guy. The best I could have asked for. We were so much alike and could read each other's minds practically. When we broke up the last time, my bf thought maybe I was just afraid of sorta the unknown. But I didn't think so. And now... I think he was right. I think he knows me better than I know myself.

 

Right now I feel like I would give up nearly anything to just have him right here with me and everything be like before. I want my best friend back. But I can't understand myself enough to know if I want my boyfriend back. I think I do, and then I get afraid that I don't. I'm so confused.

 

I just don't understand what's happened to me. Why all of a sudden I feel like I woke up and realized how stupid I really am?

 

P.S. Oops, I think I should have posted this in the "Coping" section. Sorry about that...