audrey143 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 my boyfriend an my one year anniversary is coming up soon, and im having second thoughts about our relationship. we fight constantly, which i understand is just a part of the ride, but the way he handles our arguements kills me. if i am upset about something, he tries to tell me how wrong my feelings are and how i should just change my way of thinking. maybe hes right, but i feel like we wouldnt fight as much if he would just be understanding rather than going against me. he always seems to be right and know everything and im starting to think i cant deal with it. if feels like we are growing apart and have just become best friends who have sex. i know after a certain point in a relationship the spark kinda fades and its not as exciting, but i feel like some of the romance is gone. i feel like he doesnt show me alot of affection unless he wants to show me off in front of other guys, or just wants sex. i dont know what to do. i really love him and cant imagine what i would do without him. im just confused.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Counseling. I don't know what to say beyond that. It's a mismatch in communication and I don't see how it'll be fixed by any magic words from anyone here. It's going to take sitting down together with a mediator and working through the problem
Kamille Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Well, I'll still try saying some magic words! Basically, it sounds like you two have the age-old "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" dynamic going on. Your boyfriend tries to "change your perspective" on your feelings because he is trying to "fix the problem". I agree with you his way of doing it isn't the most constructive. Meanwhile, this leaves you wanting him to recognize that your feelings and needs are important in the relationship. So what I'm going to suggest is a first step towards a compromise. Something that might help you acheive a partnership where you both trust that you want what's best for each other. It'll likely seem counter-intuitive to you but the next time he "tries to change your way of thinking", really listen to what he is saying. Then, calmly, tell him "so, if I understand correctly, you think that the issue is (insert his analysis of the situation here)." Understanding his argument doesn't mean you have to agree with him. It just mean you will be better equipped to compromise. Ask him to mirror your own arguments to you. The key is to stay calm and realize that deep down you're both just trying to work things out. Basically, take the first step. Start listening to him and see if that prompts him to start listening to you too.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 we fight constantly, which i understand is just a part of the ride, but the way he handles our arguements kills me. if i am upset about something, he tries to tell me how wrong my feelings are and how i should just change my way of thinking. maybe hes right, . Why do you think CONSTANT fighting is part of a healthy normal adult relationship? its not sorry to tell you sure every couple has disagreements from time to time but not constant fighting he sounds manipulative not a good sign Hun..
loveslife Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 He sounds like a manipulator and abusive. He wants to control what you think and how you act. He withholds affection. Puts you down. Is this what you think you deserve? What exactly do you love about him? I know it's not so simple. But nobody can put you down unless you let them. Something in you finds the way he treats you familiar, I suspect. But it's not healthy. Good luck.
zilverenvlinder Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I'm sorry, hun, but constant fighting, especially after only having been together for a year, is not really that normal...
Rylle Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I have an ex who handled arguments the same way, and he "always" fought with me. He was emotionally abusive. Hard to say if your bf is or not, but from my experience that was the very first thing that popped into my head. Since breaking up with that bf, I've had the pleasure of seeing how a non-abusive person handles these things. Oh, and I've only fought with a romantic interest/bf ONCE since breaking up with the abusive bf.
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