Xelha Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hi, I've been in an LDR for 9 months now, and I've been feeling pretty down/discouraged lately 'cause it seems like I might have to wait another year until our next meeting. My bf was originally going to come visit me either during Christmas or in February(when I have a week off), but now it looks like he won't be able to. He has exams in January so he'll be busy studying in December, and then in February he has class. I'm only able to have him come during these two times all school year because I get really busy with class, homework, studying, etc. I think it would be terrible if he came to visit me in my country for the first time and I didn't even have time to show him around and go see some sites. I don't go to school in my hometown, either, which would make it difficult for him to go there/meet my family. This has me really down because all this time I've been looking forward to him visiting me, and now I'll have to wait a lot longer, and I don't know when he'll even get to come here to my country, meet all my family and friends, etc. My bf says that he'll wait for me, even if it means waiting a year(I'll go visit him in August). But I'm a bit worried about myself, to be honest, that maybe I'll start to feel like just giving up or something later on. It would be a real shame, too, because I think we have a really good relationship, ignoring the strain of being in an LDR. Any ideas/advice for how I can keep this from falling apart? The longest we've gone without seeing each other before since we've been together was 4 months, which is why I think this will be quite hard on us. My bf is 22 years old and lives in Spain, and I'm 21, if it matters.
Lucky_One Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I don't quite get why he can't take a week off in December, even if he has exams in January. Surely he won't be studying 24/7 during the entire holiday season for exams that are a 2-4 weeks away? At his age, he isn't studying for the Bar. Any chance he is trying to get out of the visit?
Author Xelha Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Yeah, it seems a little early to begin studying to me as well, but he studies law, while my studies are a bit different. I'm busy mostly throughout the semester and exam period is almost like a sigh of relief, whereas for him I think it's the other way around. He probably has a lot of reading to do before his exams. No, he wouldn't be trying to get out of the visit. He has always expressed how eager he is to come to Canada and visit my hometown and all that. At the moment there's still a slight chance he might come for Christmas, but it seems pretty unlikely and I don't want to get my hopes up too much when it might very well be in August that we see each other next. =/
lillymountain Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 hmm, when did you see each other the last time? how often do you talk, how do you stay in contact? do you comunicate in spanish or english? frankly spoken, i think a guy who loves should find a way and 9 another year is a long time, esp. when you've been together less than this.
Author Xelha Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 The last time we saw each other was mid-August when we went on a trip together to Italy. We talk usually every day for about an hour(we used to talk for longer, back when I was living in Germany last year, but now there's a 6-hour time difference and it's harder). We talk on MSN, normally just writing, but ever since I came back to my country we've started talking by microphone and with webcam. We speak in both languages; English on the odd days, Spanish on even. That way we can both work on learning the other's language. But we each know enough about the other language that a language barrier is not an issue for us. Spanish is one of the languages I study, and I've been studying it for about 6 years now. That's what has me worried, too, the fact that we might have to wait longer than we've even been together...
lillymountain Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hi, iwanted to tell you, i had a spanish boyfriend as well, we were together for about 7 months. he didn't speak german (german is my mothertongue) and just tiny bits of english, but i speak spanish, so we could comunicate. we stayed in contact over skype, almost everyday. i put a lot off effort into working out schedules, when we could see each other, booked flights, drove there by car (over 20 hours)... i think it was quite comfy for him and i now he liked me a lot, but maybe that's not enough. that's just my personal experience, but: if a guy is to lazy to make the effort to find a way, than you should really think about it. even if you really like him, if you look into your future, is this what you want and what will make you happy? and.....i still have friends in spain and i love the counry, but: spanish people have a slightly different mentality and that might influence a LDR as well. in my opinion you can lean back a bit and wait and see. if you are "destined" for each other, there will be a way without you being the only one who flys over the ocean. have you asked him, why he can't come? (i know, he has to study....but that's still not a full reason...) abrazo y no te preocupes demasiado! lilly
Azn117 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Xelha: Hi, I'm in an international LDR. Was with my bf for just 6 months when we went LD. After that, it was 12 months LDR before we saw each other again and this interval of ~a year will probably continue for the next few years. The reason I'm relating this is simply to say that waiting to see each other longer than you've been together is definitely doable. I notice that others have questioned your bf's sincerity about wanting to visit and believing that wanting to study isn't sufficient enough a a reason. Well, IMO those in very international LDRs sometimes have to adapt slightly more to the situation and the frequency of visits sometimes simply cannot be that as high as other people may be used to for a number of reasons. The cost, the availability of both parties and perhaps, most importantly, whether it is 'worth it' in the practical sense. >1k for plane tickets on a visit for anything less than a month doesn't seem sensible to me or my bf. However, I know opinions differ and am aware that there are many others (friends of mine too) in similar distance r/s who fly about visiting each other every 2 months. For me, I know that yearly visits is itself a blessing (seeing the number of obstacles I have to traverse just to be able to have this) so I try to avoid comparing the frequency of my visits with others in LDRs because it doesn't serve any useful purpose and, perhaps, this mentality is what makes being apart easier. With regards to advice on how to keep it from falling apart. Honestly, (easier said than done) as long as there is trust, communication, little jealousy and both parties are secure with the relationship, I guess that's the most you can ask for. Also, bear in mind that everyone has different styles of dealing with being apart, so if your bf is laid-back it may not mean that he is lazy and disinterested...
Author Xelha Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks everyone for your input. lillymountain, When I go overseas to visit my bf in August it will be the first time I've gone overseas to see him. Keep in mind that prior to this I was in Germany and each time I went to visit him, it wasn't really *that* expensive. While I was there he also came to visit me. It was always about 50/50. My reasons for travelling to Germany initially were independent of my relationship with him, as it had not yet begun. You're right, I've met several Spaniards that I'm sure would not be suited to be in an LDR. Others, however, are different. My bf is one of those others. From what I've said it might appear as though he's lazy for not coming to visit me, but I assure you, that isn't the case. If anything, I'm the lazy one. Well, it's a bit more than just him having to study. He also usually has to work a lot of days around Christmastime. He says that if it were only that, he would come visit me anyway, but I guess the fact that he'll have to study for exams as well just makes it all that much harder. Azn117, Your situation sounds somewhat similar to my own, although I hope I won't have to go without seeing my bf for a year as often as that. Yeah, it's also an issue of cost, when it comes to us being to visit each other now that I'm home again. If he were to pay that much to visit me for a week, it's not *that* expensive, so long as we can spend that whole week together and doing fun things. He says he could visit me in January after his exams, but I'll probably be very busy then, and like I said, I don't want him to come here and for us not even be able to spend time together. That's one very important thing we have, trust. I feel I can trust my bf 100%, and that isn't just because I love him, it's because he's proven to me that he *can* be trusted. I normally have a lot of trouble fully trusting other people. I try to talk to him for at least an hour a day, and I leave him a message if one day I don't get to talk to him.
Recommended Posts