archofanaffair Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I am MM with 2 kids. I am involved with a MW with 2 kids. We worked together for 1 year, became best friends, and then revealed feelings and it quickly became physical. We both plan to leave our marriages and I have been separated for over 3 months. MW says that she can't seem to find the strength to leave controlling husband and is waiting for her H to provide a catlyst. I have expressed that I hate the fact that she goes home to H everynight while I wait for her. She contends that she is not intimate with her H. MW's H is a powerful, rich potentially dangerous guy. I have kept the door open with original W and she wants me back. Separating has taken a toll on my kids, W, and especially finances. We continue our affair at work and find time to be physical after work. We call each other every AM/PM. For the past two months MW has said this is the weekend she plans to leave. I'm considering going back to W and ending affair, even though I love MW. I have put myself in a risky situation.
fooled once Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I am MM with 2 kids. I am involved with a MW with 2 kids. We worked together for 1 year, became best friends, and then revealed feelings and it quickly became physical. We both plan to leave our marriages and I have been separated for over 3 months. MW says that she can't seem to find the strength to leave controlling husband and is waiting for her H to provide a catlyst. I have expressed that I hate the fact that she goes home to H everynight while I wait for her. She contends that she is not intimate with her H. MW's H is a powerful, rich potentially dangerous guy. I have kept the door open with original W and she wants me back. Separating has taken a toll on my kids, W, and especially finances. We continue our affair at work and find time to be physical after work. We call each other every AM/PM. For the past two months MW has said this is the weekend she plans to leave. I'm considering going back to W and ending affair, even though I love MW. I have put myself in a risky situation. Please let your wife go -- she deserves being first choice, not second. You only want her now because the MW isn't leaving her spouse. And she will always find a reason not too How about ending the affair and then working on YOURSELF? If you really think the both of you ending your marriages and running to each other is going to work, then you are in an affair fog. BOTH of you need time to heal from the demise of the marriage and learn to be independent ALONE. Ending a marriage to be with another person rarely works out. It has happened, but it is the rarity not the norm. Leave your wife alone and let her find a man who loves HER for her, not because she is 2nd choice.
LifesontheUp Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I am MM with 2 kids. I am involved with a MW with 2 kids. We worked together for 1 year, became best friends, and then revealed feelings and it quickly became physical. We both plan to leave our marriages and I have been separated for over 3 months. MW says that she can't seem to find the strength to leave controlling husband and is waiting for her H to provide a catlyst. I have expressed that I hate the fact that she goes home to H everynight while I wait for her. She contends that she is not intimate with her H. MW's H is a powerful, rich potentially dangerous guy. I have kept the door open with original W and she wants me back. Separating has taken a toll on my kids, W, and especially finances. We continue our affair at work and find time to be physical after work. We call each other every AM/PM. For the past two months MW has said this is the weekend she plans to leave. I'm considering going back to W and ending affair, even though I love MW. I have put myself in a risky situation. Wow...........do you even know how selfish you sound. Just because you're MW will not leave her husband you are considering going back to your wife Well if you do go back to your wife, I hope you'll be honest and tell her that she's second choice and let her make an informed decision on want she wants. Unless you do, you are being just as controlling as you say MW's H is. Does your wife even know about OW?
Author archofanaffair Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I agree with what has been said that it's not fair to my W to be the second choice. I wish I would have never acted on the affair and put my family in this situation. I also agree with the "affair fog" statement, because I was certain until recently that the affair would lead to a solid, long-term relationship. I miss my kids like crazy and I although the thought of revealing the affair to my W sounds impossible, it makes sense. The MW seems to just want to have fun with me, hear loving words, and be with me physically. Part of my trusts the MW will follow through and I believe that she does love me. uggghh
MizzBlue72 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Let go of MW. She is obviously NOT ready to act, and is looking for an easy out where she will NOT be blamed. You should talk to your wife -- figure out where your marriage is at. DO you still love her and DO you still want to stay with her????
LifesontheUp Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I agree with what has been said that it's not fair to my W to be the second choice. I wish I would have never acted on the affair and put my family in this situation. I also agree with the "affair fog" statement, because I was certain until recently that the affair would lead to a solid, long-term relationship. I miss my kids like crazy and I although the thought of revealing the affair to my W sounds impossible, it makes sense. The MW seems to just want to have fun with me, hear loving words, and be with me physically. Part of my trusts the MW will follow through and I believe that she does love me. uggghh If she wanted to leave him she would. Her actions are showing you she's happy to have you both. How long are you willing to wait? 1 year, 2 years, forever? I think you should spend time on your own and then see how you feel.
Author archofanaffair Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks mizzblue and lifesontheup. This is really helpful. I still care about my W, and I am realizing that I turned to MW fill in gaps in our marriage. Ending affair with MW will be tricky because we work together and I will see her everyday in meetings. I also think being alone before I cause any more damage to myself or others is wise. I've read a lot here today about the importance of NC. If I end it with MW, any ideas on how to transition to a working relationship? Is that even possible? My fear is that one of us will try and lean on the other for support from time to time and ignite feelings again. I am truly amazed at how helpful this process is.
4everloveu Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Maybe you should find yourself another job. If the MW want to be with you, she would leave her M. She just wanted to have both, one at home and one outside.
anne1707 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've read a lot here today about the importance of NC. If I end it with MW, any ideas on how to transition to a working relationship? Is that even possible? Yes it is possible. You keep all conversations on the subject of work - no personal chat, questions, etc. You do not spend any time alone together whatsoever unless all you are discussing is work and you actually need to do that. If you are alone together in an office, you keep the office door open. You do not respond to her trying to catch your eye in a meeting, you do not react to comments she makes in front of others that you know are aimed at you, you treat her like a work colleague. Please note the emphasis on colleague - she is not even a friend at work. All those times when you would go and see her when an email would have sufficed - well now you just email. And again you keep it purely work. It is extremely hard but it can be done. Final point to add - it is not a "transition". You do not start doing all this over a period of time. You do it all right now.
Devil Inside Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 You seemed to have reached a conclusion in a remarkable short amount of time. I think that it would be helpful to you if you ended with the MW, stayed separated for now, and found a good therapist that could help you sort out all these issues. This way you will be in a better position to be in a loving relationship, whether that be with your wife, the MM, or another person. Working through your issues would make you happier, and allow you to really be present for your children because you won't be consumed with these toxic relationships that you use to feel whole. Truth is, nobody can fill that hole in your soul but YOU. Trust me man...I went though all this stuff...I am early in the process of recovery...and I already feel more balance. I miss her...but at least I don't have that gnawing anxiety and feeling of impeding doom...know what I mean? Good luck brother.
bentnotbroken Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Keeping your W hanging on a sting while you dangle your winky in the wind waiting for MW cake eater to choose you. You are #2 for her and you are making your W #2 for you. Why not pass the misery along, it does love company doesn't it? Just reading your post sounds like something out of a teen novel. Tell your W the truth, she deserves the chance to make a decision about her own life, with all the facts. Why do you get to have all the pieces and she doesn't. Pray your children don't grow up and met someone like you and the MW who will do this to them.
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Stay separated and end it with the MW. Be ALONE and sort yourself out before you go back to your wife or continue the A with your MW. Fact is, you left your wife for the MW, now the MW has balked..And now you want to go back home again? If the MW had left her H for you, no thoughts of heading back home would be in your head, right? So, what does that tell you.. Your wife and kids are better off right now without you because what if you go back and 2 months later the MW leaves her husband? Are you going to jump ship again?
ednadean Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Wow. You sound like you don't care about anyone but yourself. You only want to go back to your W because you've placed yourself in the "risky" situation of ending up with noone. It wasn't "risky" though when you inflicted all that pain on your W and children thinking you would get the prize. Agree with other posters. Work on yourself first before you do anything else.
Recommended Posts