Thaddeus Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've got a buddy that I've known for nearly 20 years and we're always pretty much on the same page as far as life stages go. Beyond getting together once every couple of weeks to catch a movie or something, we email back and forth a lot. Well, last night after an extended email conversation about how things are going in general, he sent me an email and, with his permission, I've copied it and pasted it here.Hey I hate my life. My wife's a cheater and spends all our money on shoes and #### so we never have enough money. My job sucks and I can't get another one in this job market. My son barely talks to me and my daughter is hanging around with the wrong crowd. My parents are old and sick and extremely religious and I can't talk to them at all without this whole God thing coming up all the time. I know that my happiness shouldn't depend on other people but they're my family. Don't give me that #### either about it getting better tomorrow or its always darkest before the dawn and all that crap. I used to believe that but things just keep getting worse and worse. Where's the good stuff that's supposed to come if you do things right and treat people with kindness and respect? IT DOESN'T WORK. I've lived all my adult life figuring that sooner or later things will get better but it NEVER, EVER HAPPENS no matter what I do. I'm seriously thinking about ending it all. Sure, it will be hard on those that get left behind, but really, they'll get over it. I have no purpose, I have no life, I have nothing to look forward to. I hate this. I've tried to get in touch with him again today to talk him down a bit but he's not home. I'm not exactly sure what he means by his phrase "ending it all," that is I don't know if he means his marriage or something much more serious. Thing is, as I read through his email, he's actually describing things pretty accurately. He has always been optimistic (the foil to my natural pessimism, I suppose, which may be why we get along so well) and has a lot of dreams and plans for the future, but despite his best efforts things just never seem to go his way. I don't know what to tell this fellow. I suggested to come on this board but he said he didn't think that would be a good idea since his wife would inevitably find out and give him the gears for it. (That's why I did the copy/paste thing, again, with his permission.) He's really, really stuck and I'm afraid for his safety. But if I refer him to a crisis line, they're just going to give him the same tired old cliches that he's been hearing for years ("Don't give me that #### either about it getting better tomorrow or its always darkest before the dawn and all that crap.") and I'm thinking that might just push him over the edge. Any ideas?
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Thaddeus, I'm not going to blow smoke and sunshine up his arse. He's in negative emotional overload and spinning in circles. He's going to have to start taking control of his life. What he's already done is the first right step to take and that's listing the things that cause his life to be negative. His marriage and wife suck. Why is he still in it? If he's the sole bread winner, it's time to open up an individual bank account and set up paycheque direct deposit, to shut down her spending. How old are his children? I get the impression they're teenagers, which is good news. The closer they are to the age of majority, the less time he has to put into child support, post divorce.
Author Thaddeus Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thaddeus, I'm not going to blow smoke and sunshine up his arse. He's in negative emotional overload and spinning in circles. He's going to have to start taking control of his life. What he's already done is the first right step to take and that's listing the things that cause his life to be negative. His marriage and wife suck. Why is he still in it? If he's the sole bread winner, it's time to open up an individual bank account and set up paycheque direct deposit, to shut down her spending. How old are his children? I get the impression they're teenagers, which is good news. The closer they are to the age of majority, the less time he has to put into child support, post divorce.I've asked him pretty much the same questions about his marriage. He's always insisted (in the past anyway) that he still loves her but the sense I get is that his family would pretty much disown him if he got a divorce (highly religious folks). That, and he's concerned - rightly so - that she'd take him to the cleaners financially. Thing is, he's got nothing anyway... His daughter is 18, son is 15. I don't know why he hasn't established a separate bank account, I was going to ask him about that today but can't get in touch.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've asked him pretty much the same questions about his marriage. He's always insisted (in the past anyway) that he still loves her but the sense I get is that his family would pretty much disown him if he got a divorce (highly religious folks). That, and he's concerned - rightly so - that she'd take him to the cleaners financially. Thing is, he's got nothing anyway... His daughter is 18, son is 15. I don't know why he hasn't established a separate bank account, I was going to ask him about that today but can't get in touch.No offense but his parents don't sound very grounded in reality or terribly supportive. If they disown him, how does that increase the liability side of his balance sheet? Why not focus on the separate bank account issue with him, then? It's a fairly quick and easy positive first step. Of course his wife will piss her pants but based on his email description of her, no loss.
marlena Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've asked him pretty much the same questions about his marriage. He's always insisted (in the past anyway) that he still loves her but the sense I get is that his family would pretty much disown him if he got a divorce (highly religious folks). Thaddeus, Twenty years is a long time to be friends with someone. Surely, you must know if he is capable of harming himself. Do you think he is seriously considering taking his own life? In any case, I think you need to reach him pronto and just be there for him. Can't you call him up on a cell? Or at home and if he doesn't pick up, ask to speak to him? It sounds to me like he is somewhat of a people pleaser. Always wanting to do what is right by people as demonstrated by his attachment to his parents and his wife and children. This always comes with a cost. Sometimes a very high one. If he is that unhappy and has been for a long time, he needs to leave the marriage and learn not to care about his family's reaction. I had a similar problem with my parents when I wanted to divorce my ex-husband. I was afraid to tell my parents for a long time as they were super conservative and traditional in many ways. When I finally did muster up the courage, guess what? They gave me their full support. They could see that I was unhappy. Perhaps he is underestimating his parents' love and loyalty to him. No parents want to see their children suffer. He needs to step up to the plate and have a heart to heart talk with them. Most of all, he needs to make a stand and stick to it providing of course that he has made up his mind to go through with a divorce. Just one question. Did you see this coming? Did you have any inkling at all as to how seriously depressed he was/is? Anyway, one thing is certain, you need to find him NOW.
Author Thaddeus Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 OK, I got in touch with him just a short time ago. He had his cell with him but didn't turn it on (then why carry it? but I digress...). His "ending it all" comment wasn't about taking his life or anything of the sort, it was about ending his marriage. He did admit, though, that he wrote the email to me when he was in a pretty foul mood and wasn't surprised that I took it to mean something else. Got another tidbit of info too and it makes it clearer why he won't divorce his wife. His parents are extremely religious. His father owns an electrical manufacturing company that makes electrical parts for industrial machinery. The plan is that when his father decides to retire, my friend will get a substantial portion of the company. But that's only if he - my buddy - keeps his family together. A divorce is, apparently, "a affront to God and will not be tolerated in this family." Makes no difference that my buddy's wife is putting them in the poorhouse or that she's cheating. So if my friend has any hope of taking over a portion of his father's business, then he's jammed. And the way his finances are right now, it's the only thing he's got to look forward to (financially). Marlena, I knew he was feeling pretty stuck in his situation but had no idea he was feeling so depressed. (We're guys, we don't do that whole "talk about feelings" stuff unless it's got to do with how much we love our motorcycles!) We didn't get into the idea of separate bank accounts as our conversation was pretty short (maybe 2 minutes... that's a "guy thing" as well, I suppose) but we're going to get together one evening next week and I'll bring it up then.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Thad, the advice I'm giving is totally stripped of human emotion and from the perspective of a business decision. Okay, so he's looking to his future. One thing I do recommend, is for him to discuss this with a divorce lawyer, about how he can protect any future inheritances, from divorce. If I recall correctly, as long as he keeps his inheritance completely separate from his marital assets, he should be okay. He needs to seriously restrict her spending, to an intolerable level for her. The less comfortable her home life, the more likely she will file for divorce. The family can't disinherit him, if she's the one initiating divorce.
marlena Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Thaddeus, You're friend is most certainly between a rock and a hard place and all I can say is that I am glad that you found him and that you will have a talk with him. He's lucky to have your support. I trust your judgement and am quite certain that your advice will be considerate and well thought out. He sounds very unhappy. I don't know if giving up your life for an inheritance is really worth the sacrifice. But it is his life and he will, like all of us, make his choices and learn to live with them. I must say, though, that TBF makes an interesting suggestion. I don't know if it will work because his wife most certainly knows that he stands to inherit quite a lucrative business. For that alone, she may opt to stay no matter how uncomfortable her life becomes. Not that she can lay a finger on his inheritance if like TBF said he keeps it apart from his marital assets.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Even if she stays, if he's holding the purse strings and doesn't allow any haranging to get to him, how can he lose? If she starts the harassment, he can take away some toys or the ability to spend, even further, until she behaves. If she behaves, he can reward her with a toy.
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