Bill75 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Any advice you guys have would be great. Was dumped about a month ago by a really good girl. We were together for over 2.5 years. The end of things was my fault, I was emotionally distant at times over the last 10 months due to stress of finances. We had contact for the first 2 weeks, she said she was confused and had questions she needed to answer for herself. Right now, she is pissed. Pissed about everything. Upset that I didn't fight for her when we broke up and that I didn't say a whole lot, pissed that I have told my feelings to other people since the break up and never told her when we were together, just pissed. She has been on a few dates with somebody else and a friend asked her if his name was rebound, and she joked and said might as well be. At happy hour the other night, a mutual female friend asked her, what do you want me to tell him, that it is completely over, done, kaput? And her response was, you know what, don't tell him anything. Th ex also said there is no doubt that he loves me and I love him, but I just can't be in a relationship where this is no communication. A few folks have said that this is her way of making me pine for her, make me miserable, and to teach me a good lesson. Another female was not as positive. The two girls that spent time with her the other night, have both said that I need to call her and lay it all on the line, that the longer I wait, the worse off I am. What do you guys think? Would you call her?
NopeNah Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Up to you.. Was she trying to talk to you before the breakup? A lot of 'dumpees' tend to place all the blame on themselves when, in fact, it's both that did it. I'd bet that guy she's been dating has been in the picture before your actual breakup.
Thaddeus Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Of course she's pissed. Here's why: You had contact for a couple of weeks, then she probably gave you the "I need space to figure things out" speech (do I have that right? It's not 100% clear from your post). So you gave her the space, then she got bent out of shape because you didn't "fight" for her or for the relationship. In short, you did what she said she wanted, and now she's upset because you did what she asked. If I've learned anything about dating and relationships in my 50 years shuffling about, it's this: Men should never, ever take dating or relationship advice from women. (Sorry, ladies, but that's based on experience, not prejudice.) There is a world of difference between what they say they want and what they actually respond to. Case in point: Your example. You did what she wanted. Now she's upset about it. Now, all that said... it wouldn't hurt to reach out to her at some point. But under no circumstances whatsoever are you to "lay it all on the line" or "bare your feelings" or "show your vulnerable side" or anything like that. That will massively upset the power dynamic and put her in the position of being the decider, leaving your feelings and desires pretty much out of the equation. (I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but so be it). Give her a call. Take her out to dinner or something. Chat calmly, rationally, sensibly. If you choose to get back together, it should be a mutual decision. Let the conversation flow organically and allow a decision to emerge that works for both of you.
Author Bill75 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 She was definitely trying to get me to open up before the split. And she did know the guy she is dating before, but it was purely platonic. It is my fault, I am a big enough guy to accept that.
carhill Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I can only say, from experience, it's counter-productive to listen to women, especially women who are friends with the dumper, for advice about how to be a man. Here's the facts... She dumped you You've accepted your responsibility for being emotionally distant and stressed about finances. Absent from her, work on you. She's dating who she wants to date, right now. Life is about choice. Accept it.
Author Bill75 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 She did say, I just need a break. I told her I agreed, but that long term this is not what I wanted. Told her that I still wanted to propose, etc. She was certainly upset that when we broke up that I didn't have a lot to say. I was just a mental wreck at that point. Couldn't get words to exit my mouth. I tried to hold her hand and she wouldn't, so i told her that i was uncomfortable and felt like a stranger sitting there with her. She was really pissed about that. Couldn't understand how I could say that. Just really hurt and confused by the whole conversation.
carhill Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 She did say, I just need a break. I told her I agreed, but that long term this is not what I wanted. Told her that I still wanted to propose, etc. Decode: I need a break from you. Leave me alone for now. Please refrain from saying what you *want* to do. Do it. Actions. "You know, there are sometimes I want to say 'I love you'" Great example of how not to talk to a woman. Do what you do, for yourself. If she is on-board and chooses to share your path, bonus If not (right now, not), accept and continue on your path. People are many; life is short.
norajane Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Well, you still aren't communicating with her, so I don't see how anything has changed. Why would she get back together with you when you won't even talk to her and tell her your thoughts? That's why she broke up with you - because you aren't able to talk to her. If you still aren't able to talk to her, there's no way you can get back together and, even if you did, it would just lead to another break up.
Author Bill75 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Nora, Completely agree. Went to a therapist a couple of times to try and figure it out, and I am just one of those people that has a hard time expressing themselves. It is something that I will always struggle with, but will get better the harder I work at it. The biggest question is, if I am able to talk with her, is how do I prove to her that there is a positive change now and will always be there in the future. I made a list of about 30 things that are important to both of us and how I intend to make amends. If am able to convince her to speak with me, the list is going with me.
daphne Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Bill, I agree to a certain extent about not listening to her female friends, and the balance of power. However, it's not that black and white. You have to show her you've changed. I wouldn't chase hard after her, but at some point if you want to be able to show her you're working on it, you do have to communicate with her. If I were you, I'd do some soul searching and get some more tools under your belt before going back in for contact. Then just show her. Don't play too much hardball. If she was upset that you didn't fight for her, this is a good thing for you. She wanted you to. As long as you don't kowtow or allow for disrespect (turn off), women are somewhat suckers for a guy that knows when he screws up and tries to make amends.
Author Bill75 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I think what I am going to have a hard time explaining is why it takes getting hit by a truck for me to improve myself and make more of a commitment to communicating in the relationship. She seems upset that I quit smoking, able to talk about my feelings, etc. only after she puts her foot down and takes a stand.
gp913 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I think what I am going to have a hard time explaining is why it takes getting hit by a truck for me to improve myself and make more of a commitment to communicating in the relationship. She seems upset that I quit smoking, able to talk about my feelings, etc. only after she puts her foot down and takes a stand. The last email I received from my ex a few weeks ago, she said that she was glad that I was working on myself and seeking help with issues... She also said that she was slightly offended that it took her breaking up with me for me to work on things and how'd she only support me as a friend, nothing more... She even said that she felt like if I really loved her, I would have confronted her sooner on these issues (I didn't say much at the breakup either)... Don't really know why it took til she broke up with me... I'll have a hard time explaining that one too if she asks again... it definitely was a hard hitter and I'm so much wiser now looking back on things I did wrong and I let her know this. I need to contact her in a few weeks about some things (just business we need to take care of), so maybe she'll inquire on what I've been doing better. Nothing else I can do but keep improving myself -- just backing off now. She needs to see it, not just hear it.
logitech Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Sounds like another case of ppl that need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy". Check it out I'm 8 weeks on in my break-up (dumpee) but reading this gave me a bit of insight into some things I was doing that I look back at now and can even laugh at myself. It might help you to get yourself sorted one way or another.
Author Bill75 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Ahhh! It went right to voicemail. Damn. Didn't even give her the chance to pick up. Left a message that said I feel like I am getting advice from 10 different people and that I have confided in a couple of them, but you are really the person I need to be talking to. Told her that I had a couple of things to talk about and it would be real important to both of us. Just asked her to call me when she has a chance. At least I made the call. It is in her court and I have done what I can do. I guess keep moving on and leave it where it is.
Recommended Posts