mnm Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hi Everyone First off I want to say that this forum has helped me in so many ways. I am expressing appreciation to each and everyone of you that has given advice, sympathy, empathy and a shoulder to cry on. And also insight into my H's state of mind. Here is what happened yesterday that changed so much. I found a website that I thought my H was posting on. I confronted him about it and we had a slightly heated discussion. He was defensive but assured me he did not get on that site. Said he was tired of accusations that he's trying and nothing he does is good enough. I told him you are it just takes time, and I need to confront him if I think something is off. After about 15 minutes of going to our separate corners he apologized and said that it's hard for him to see me unable to let this go and move forward. I told him I have made so much progress, but he has the pictures all the pieces to the puzzle (thanks for telling me about that letter) and I only have a portion of it and that I don't know what really happened b/c I don't have everything I need. I told him about being on this site, said he already knew b/c my son told him. (He walked in when I was on here a couple times. I tried to hide it from the kids, but they're nosy). I told him it has helped me that there is so much good advice from BS's and WS's. It felt good. I was feeling guilty hiding this. Later that night, we had no kids and began talking about mistakes we've made with the kids (we're having major behavioral issues w/ or 10 yr old) and constructive criticism on each side about those mistakes. It evolved into conversation regarding the EA. I told him I had so many holes to fill and told him what I thought happened and he was keeping things from me. He's always been adamant about nothing physical. He said that again. I told him that unless I have answers to these things I can't fully heal. I told him that by not telling me everything, I draw conclusions based on what little I know. He totally opened up to me last night. Told me EVERYTHING!! I asked questions, he answered them all, I double asked questions, he answered them all. All of the things that have been bothering me I brought up, and he answered them ALL!! He also admitted he was wrong(which he always has), but also understood my hurt and anger and that if the roles were reversed he would be the same way. Said he would have drawn the same conclusions I did. I asked him why he just didn't open up in the beginning and lay it on the line, and he told me he didn't think I needed to know. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart last night and this morning. He said can we please get past this I have told you everything there is to know. Said he never loved OW, only has loved two people in his life a girl he dated when he was younger and me. There is noone else for him, he's never slept with anyone but me since being together and never will. The reality of what happened the answers I received, was nothing compared to what my conclusions were, they were better. I told him the holes had been filled and thanked him for his patience and understanding. I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel I can now move ahead even further. Our marriage is going to only get stronger. This new H is better than the one I've known for the last 13 1/2 yrs and I love it.
eeyore1981 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hi Everyone First off I want to say that this forum has helped me in so many ways. I am expressing appreciation to each and everyone of you that has given advice, sympathy, empathy and a shoulder to cry on. And also insight into my H's state of mind. Here is what happened yesterday that changed so much. I found a website that I thought my H was posting on. I confronted him about it and we had a slightly heated discussion. He was defensive but assured me he did not get on that site. Said he was tired of accusations that he's trying and nothing he does is good enough. I told him you are it just takes time, and I need to confront him if I think something is off. After about 15 minutes of going to our separate corners he apologized and said that it's hard for him to see me unable to let this go and move forward. I told him I have made so much progress, but he has the pictures all the pieces to the puzzle (thanks for telling me about that letter) and I only have a portion of it and that I don't know what really happened b/c I don't have everything I need. I told him about being on this site, said he already knew b/c my son told him. (He walked in when I was on here a couple times. I tried to hide it from the kids, but they're nosy). I told him it has helped me that there is so much good advice from BS's and WS's. It felt good. I was feeling guilty hiding this. Later that night, we had no kids and began talking about mistakes we've made with the kids (we're having major behavioral issues w/ or 10 yr old) and constructive criticism on each side about those mistakes. It evolved into conversation regarding the EA. I told him I had so many holes to fill and told him what I thought happened and he was keeping things from me. He's always been adamant about nothing physical. He said that again. I told him that unless I have answers to these things I can't fully heal. I told him that by not telling me everything, I draw conclusions based on what little I know. He totally opened up to me last night. Told me EVERYTHING!! I asked questions, he answered them all, I double asked questions, he answered them all. All of the things that have been bothering me I brought up, and he answered them ALL!! He also admitted he was wrong(which he always has), but also understood my hurt and anger and that if the roles were reversed he would be the same way. Said he would have drawn the same conclusions I did. I asked him why he just didn't open up in the beginning and lay it on the line, and he told me he didn't think I needed to know. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart last night and this morning. He said can we please get past this I have told you everything there is to know. Said he never loved OW, only has loved two people in his life a girl he dated when he was younger and me. There is noone else for him, he's never slept with anyone but me since being together and never will. The reality of what happened the answers I received, was nothing compared to what my conclusions were, they were better. I told him the holes had been filled and thanked him for his patience and understanding. I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel I can now move ahead even further. Our marriage is going to only get stronger. This new H is better than the one I've known for the last 13 1/2 yrs and I love it. I am so glad to hear this, and am very happy for you. I hope things continue to get better, and you have the marriage you want.
Author mnm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I really think I will. I approached like seren said she did, I said this is what I think happened b/c of this this and this. Then he was like no not at all. In fact some of the times I thought they were alone, he was actually with friends. I really truly believe him for the first time. I know emotions were involved obviously, but not to the extent I was thinking. And a few of the other "indicators" I brought up were explained as well. It is such a relief.
eeyore1981 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 We're having some breakthroughs here, too. If this is for real, I'm thinking just maybe things are going to work out. Unfortunately, I am so guarded now, so it is hard to not be cynical.
Devil Inside Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 MNM Thank you for sharing this. As a WS and BS at the same time it is always helpful to see what helps to heal the wounds of infidelity. I hope that this is the breakthrough that will spring to continued marital recovery for you and your husband.
EcstasyX6 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I was like your husband. It's awesome that he really loves you because I no longer loved my husband. I wish that could have happened for us. I could not make that statement that he made to you. I pray that he can continue to be faithful to you and give his love to you only and fully. All the Best.
Author mnm Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Thanks for all the positives!!! I still will continue to heal, it's only natural, but there is a sense of relief in getting the story. I know there were some additional emotions involved, but the way he was able to just let it go said something. Also, he was just as messed up as I was, b/c of the things he told me. He was spiraling out of control like me. He wasn't always with her, but doing things I didn't know about until Friday. With other friends and engaging in destructive behavior. I got the answers I needed, at the same time it's so exhausting, I'm letting it all go. I love him he loves me, that's all that matters.
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