Since started the A does your life feel like its spinning out of control?

[alg24]

Hi-

 

I am in the process of ending a physical/emotionally affair. (Please I am not looking for negative comments)

Anyway, is a shorter summary this affair has been going on for a little over a year. The age difference is huge- I was 20 when I meet him he was 37. Major background differences (Me having the upperhand) Anyway, it was a complete rollercoaster from the beginning I guess you could say. Up front he told me he would never love me, then as time went on he was the first to say I love you, told me I changed his life etc. etc. Friends that are much older than me/wiser say that he seems "to really care" (He is not able to love anyone- look what he does to his family) But in the beginning I did have a sense of control over him. He would leave his job early to hang out with me (Not just sexual stuff) and we did spend a lot of time together.... New years with me etc. Anyway, but this past April things started to take a nasty turn. (Not to mention I got herpes from him in Jan.-- the wife knows from me... 100% I got it from him-) We got into a physical fight, took two weeks off from speaking, and since we were both in different states we started talking again...

He convinced me to come visit him in July (He would pay everything) and I stupidly did... Then in August he came to where we both were from (Wife out of town) and stayed at my place... Anyway, we are both away until October. I come back the first week and he comes back towards the end. We have been fighting really bad. We have ended it/got back together many many times. The other day he was upset with the "tone" of my voice. We got into a fight and then I went nuts calling him a bunch and sending a million text messages. I just look at my life before and I was never like this before... YES I know I got myself it this and I take action for that. But as he is yelling at me, your ****in* crazy I don't want to speak to you anymore. To many problems I am like wow, I really am crazy.

When he was suppose to come back he was going to seperate from her. They have really been seperated since end of May when he left... She knows about us. About me. I think she is the one that approached him regarding the divorce... Not sure... But he promised me he would be with me. Broken promises? I told him he lied and lied. These past couple weeks I have gotten crazy towards him. He kept calm telling me he loves me, he doesn't lie, he wants to be with me when he gets back. He will stay with me... (I feel awful for the wife and the pain I caused her- I truly do) Clearly with the amount of fighting it is extremely toxic and we should be over. Not to mention I think that last night he really is done with me. We have been fighting so much the past couple months I would think its impossible he would want to continue. He told me a week ago he loves me so much but he is really tired of the fighting and tired of the questioning.

It needs to be over for my health. My life is true spinning out of control. While you read this you must think, wow this girl is really nuts. I need to get control over my life before he gets back. Everytime I try to end it I can't sleep, I cry all day, and won't eat. Then we talk on the phone (I cry) and we get back together. I have let him take over my life. (We talk 5/6 a day-- he does the calling) I have gotten so use to him... Even with us being in different states... I really do miss him a lot. I love him... My first love... I am trying to find the strength to move on... I need my normal life back. Friends tell me I have changed so much since he has been in my life. I have lost a sense of who I am, lost friends, lied to my family, etc. He tells me that he is everything for me as well. Look at his life. Major comfort right? Anyway, I just needed to vent but helpful comments would be great. I just am trying so hard to find the strength. I want my life back. Parts of me misses him so much (Sleeping next to him, curled up watching movies, etc. cooking dinner for each other) but the other part wants my freedom. It was always a fight.

In the beginning of the summer (He left for his job in another state- the wife stayed behind) he went crazy because I was in a place where my phone didn't work (thinking I lied). He would go nuts if I went certain places... Now he is more relaxed but I am crazy. He made me nuts...

So yea.. Thank you for reading.

[deux ex machina]

Normally I wouldn't reply to this kind of post, but I find it alarming...

 

He took away your health, your sanity, and if you are not very careful, he'll take years of your young life away.

 

You are a powder keg right now.

 

My guess is that he is not going to be there like you want him to be, and somehow you know it.

 

Try to think objectively about this for a moment: sure he's not provoking you to "act crazy"?

 

 

 

Sounds like you have a lot of inner conflicts.

 

Wonder why that is?

 

 

 

 

 

 

P. S. Your post lacks white space, making it very difficult to read.

[Devil Inside]

Welcome alg24.

 

Sounds like you got yourself into quite a situation there. You don't sound "crazy"...but it does seem that you are conflicted, hurt, confused, fearing abandonment, and lacking of self worth.

 

I want you to go back and read your initial post. In it you mention several times that you know that you need to end it. I also think it would be beneficial to look at this relationship strictly from the actions. Words whisper...actions scream. What are his actions saying to you about how he values you. What are your actions telling you about how toxic this relationship is?

 

Look...from this angle it seems that you are addicted to this man. You know it is bad for you...but the fear of withdrawal keeps you from ending it. Can you see that you use this relationship as a way to avoid intolerable reality? Can you see how this coping mechanism is similar to an addiction? As the world closes in around you...you will eventually reach a point where you say "I'm stuck...It makes no sense to keep trying to solve my problems with solutions that don't work." Are you there yet?

 

When you do reach that point...you know what you have to do. You are going to have to end it...sounds like he is addicted to you as well. I want you to really think about it. He is 37...you are 20...if he hasn't worked through these issues by now then he has a way to go...you however have a lot of good healthy years in front of you...if you confront your demons. You know what they say.."hug your demons or they bite you in the a$$."

 

When you are ready...end it...and cut of all communication...look up NC here in the forums. Then prepare for withdrawal. It will be painful...but at least it will end...and you can regain your self worth. Staying in a toxic relationship there will never be an end. When you have some NC under your belt get to a good therapist and start working on the issues that brought you into an affair...and the ones that kept you in it after you knew you should have left.

 

I sense some serious codependency issues here...was there addiction or abuse in your childhood? One great thing is that codependency is mostly learned patterns of coping...so you can get effective treatment.

 

Please take care of yourself. Surround yourself with some friends and family. You can do this. Many have....read some of their stories here. Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

You didn't know he is a liar? Or did you think he lied to others just not you?

[alg24]

Hi-

 

Thank you for your replies- the advice/wisdom means a lot to me. To answer the family question... I come from a wonderful family ( I am not just saying that to say that) But I also come from a big family... My parents supported me, but throughout my teen years I was on the road following a passion for a specific sport. I moved around a lot. Always in a different place... When I was 17 I settled in one place which happened to be far away from my family. I took care of myself really. I have never had abuse or anything... Before I meet this guy I was truly living a pretty normal life... Strong as that sounds... I was lonely though... When I first meet him I was in denial about what I wanted and who he was. I didn't respect the values I onced believed in... I let things just get so out of control...

 

When I mention the "you lie to me you lie to me.." I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. But he was always threws in my face, I never lie to you... I always tell you the truth... So I through it back at him...

 

I know this situation is so wrong. Its toxic and very unhealthy. I don't know how I let it get to this place-- I know I have clearly done this to myself. There were many times earlier on I should have walked away. It has gone through many cycles-- when we first got together it was whatever, then we became close, he was very into me (Would drop whatever he was doing to be with me), then he told me he loved me BUT he is was getting tired of the fighting, then I begged him not to leave... When I saw him in August we spent a week together. He told me that he was scared when he comes back in two months I wouldn't be around. He wanted to be with my he promised when he comes back it would be us together, he is seperated now but he needs time... He is jealous at the idea I am with other people. It would make him crazy if I was with someone else...

 

I think what goes through my head is he hurting? A couple weeks ago I was crying to him on the phone and I said "Its just so easy for you to be cold, you don't care at all. You ripped my heart out. I wish I could be like you." He told me it wasn't easy for him... I feel he is off doing whatever and he is happy. He could care less about the pain I am suffering. I want nuts yesterday and called/texted a bunch. He called me back to tell me he was sleeping and to please stop. I told him everything nasty and hateful... I guess I need to face the pain and allow myself to heal... I need to stop focusing on him. The first step is NC... Will the pain ever go away? I need to regain my life back...

 

Thank you everyone really. Your a great support.

[alg24]

Devil Inside-

 

Thank you. Really. Your words/wisdom really make a lot of sense. I have thought that but seeing someone else saying it... I feel trapped and out of control. I depend on this person but I know its not love. Everything I valued, my passions, people I loved, my family is not there as much anymore. I attached myself to him because I am scared and dependent on that comfort. I think having herpes (and the fact that he gave it to me makes me question how I can even stand to be around him...) makes me cling to him even more... Does that make sense? Before him I wasn't very sexual. In fact he was really the first person I had a long on going thing with. I was with one other person before him. I lived a quiet life. I use to go out but never did drugs. Once he entered my life I latched onto him. Even if he wasn't M and treated me like gold he was still be the wrong guy for me. But the fact is he is M, treats me awful, to old, etc. But I stay? I am scared of feeling the pain... You must think I am a pathetic screwed up human... I really am...

[Devil Inside]

Alg24...you are not pathetic. You are in pain. You are starving for emotional validation...and because of that, the scraps this man gives you are nourishing and fulfilling. Make no mistake...they are scraps at best...you deserve so much more.

 

I am happy to see that you know what you need to do...that is the first step, to really see what the reality of the situation is. NC will set you free...however, it is a painful and difficult process...but true growth often involves pain.

 

I want you to know that the pain will go away. It will take some time...but you will be set free. I know how hard it is to know that you are in a toxic relationship...yet you can't let go because it feels like it is what keeps you going. I was on the other end. I was the married man. I was in love with another woman. I knew, everyday, that I was hurting both of the women in my life by not taking action...and yet I could not bear letting either she or my family go.

 

Once the relationship ended I felt like I would die. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I do think, however, that this will be a learning experience for me. I can tell you that I struggle with missing her...but the pain is nowhere near as intense. You will feel better in time...unlike you do now.

 

If you need support...reach out. Even if it is only here...there are many men and women that can understand how you feel and lend a supporting word.