At what point do you stop making excuses for somebody with a mental illness?

[gavinus]

Ok, my ex abused me, verbally, physically, emotionally (we went out 3 years) she dumped me, lacked empathy, remorse, and could not wait to move on. I have been NC 2 months, after I returned a gift she brought me as I said I wanted to keep my self respect. I found out yesterday that she probably has a borderline personality disorder as the traits of that pretty match up with the way she treated me via lack of empathy, manipulation of me and the way she shifted her issues onto me. The problem with that is most BPD people see their problem as no problem whatsoever and its other people who have the problem not them. So I know she is getting therapy but not for BPD (as I advised her to get some). Of course I can't contact her to tell her she may have BPD as she would not believe me as she thinks she is fine as she is. But I genuinely believe a lot of the relationship problems we had were as a result of her BPD. How do I let go?

[Tony T]

Sounds more like NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. One of the main features of that disorder is lack of empathy. It does contain the other elements you describe.

[deux ex machina]

How do I let go?

 

 

Remember this?

 

Ok, my ex abused me, verbally, physically, emotionally (we went out 3 years) she dumped me, lacked empathy, remorse, and could not wait to move on. I have been NC 2 months, after I returned a gift she brought me as I said I wanted to keep my self respect. I found out yesterday that she probably has a borderline personality disorder as the traits of that pretty match up with the way she treated me via lack of empathy, manipulation of me and the way she shifted her issues onto me. The problem with that is most BPD people see their problem as no problem whatsoever and its other people who have the problem not them. So I know she is getting therapy but not for BPD (as I advised her to get some). Of course I can't contact her to tell her she may have BPD as she would not believe me as she thinks she is fine as she is. But I genuinely believe a lot of the relationship problems we had were as a result of her BPD.

 

Those bolded parts?

 

I feel for you. I am dealing with the fallout of someone who has a personality disorder.

 

You can't save anyone, and you can't fix her.

 

You tell her what she is? You try that and what you are doing is defining her reality. She doesn't want reality. That's part of what it's all about.

 

She won't thank you for it, put it that way.

 

I am so sorry. I understand your confusion, trying to make sense of it all. It is very difficult.

 

Time and distance. Please keep the focus on you. Work it out, but keep in mind you must care for yourself, k?

 

*hugs*

[shunter]

You have been NC for 2 months. You are doing the right thing, who cares what she has.. she is out of your life, congrats. Forget about her and move on.

[Quest]

How do I let go?

 

I don't think there is a lot you CAN do, except let go. Sounds like she has a lot of work to do on herself if she's ever to get over her issues and that could take years. Hard as it may be, you just have continue as you are, building up your own life again and slowly getting over her. It might help you to move on if you can remember she wasn't well when she did those hurtful things to you and that it probably wasn't even personal.

[ashleigh422]

Do not convince yourself that her problem is somehow your problem.What she did to you was wrong.. regardless of a BPD. She knew in her heart that she was wrong.. you probably told her a million times..

 

Best choice.. let go. Try not to let her get to you.. keep busy..

 

If nothing else, do it because you once loved her. Because she deserves to get herself better. Don't call and give her your diagnosis.. let her Dr. decide on that.. you will lose with that kind of person NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.. isn't that how it always was?

 

Don't worry about the future right now.. things will all work out.

[gavinus]

you will lose with that kind of person NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.. isn't that how it always was?

Yeah that is what my therapist said, no matter what I do I was always going to be turned into the villain, and the thing is my ex always, always, played to win. 3 years of support and tolerance for her issues I gave...and she walks away fine, eager to start her new life without me, happy she put her issues onto me..... its just so hard to take, thx for your support

[nature]

What do you mean when you say "she put her issues on to you?"

 

You never know...she may be hurting inside, but pretending she isn't. I act like I'm ok in regards to my ex....but deep down I hurt like hell. I just don't want him to know, because sometimes he can be so cold. So I just act all happy and like I'm doing great, even though I'm hurting inside. I don't want him to have any feeling of power or ego over me. He hurt me bad. He dumped me, was an *******, then tried to come back, in which I laughed at him. He now sends me the odd email or phone call, and I'm pretty breezy with him. But if he ever tried to talk about the relationship with me, I always make certain to let him know that in my opinion, he messed up the relationship with his immature behavour. He tries to justify things, and I will not let him. I adamently remind him that I feel he is the reason it did not work with us. He's just angry at me because I wouldn't accept crumbs from him, and stood strong through the break up and after. Your ex may be putting on an act too?

[gavinus]

What I meant was she blamed me for her anger and her actions of anger e,g, verbal, emotional abuse "You made me etc etc" or "Its your fault I get angry etc. I have just been on the internet and have found my relationship with my ex word for word played out 100's of times with other people who have BPD,

[It's Me]

You have been NC for 2 months. You are doing the right thing, who cares what she has.. she is out of your life, congrats. Forget about her and move on.

This is correct

[Lishy]

I was with a BPD for 14 years

 

Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did as he blamed me for it all - I have been left for 5 years now and have never had so much peace of mind!

 

You stop making excuses the day the realise that they are ill and forgive them for what they did to you and move on! When that day will come is different for everyone

 

Threrapy helps heaps to get you over it and understanding the illness also helps

[The Collector]

One of my exes is a psychologist, and I asked her whether another ex of mine was BPD, as she displayed many of the signs. I was told that without a history of substance abuse and self-harm and some other extreme behaviours, the following statement applied - it may apply to the woman in question here, and anyone else making excuses for a badly behaved partner...

'She's not mentally ill, she's just a selfish, spoilt, immature b*tch.'

[waterrat]

HI Gav,

 

I know exactly what you are going through and feeling. I also recently discovered that my ex (of 3 times in a year and a half)) has some sort of disorder. Mainly emotional and verbal abuse on my end, lack of empathy as well. Always avoiding what the real issues are and blaming you for other things that are irrelevant. There really isn't anything you can do to help them as you say, they believe the way they are acting is OK. Dumping her issues on and blaming you for what she does wrong I believe is known as Projection. I have also been reading about toxic people and relationships. It has been a real eye opener. As you say some things I read are word for word that describe her actions. They all seem to lead back to some kind of B type PD. Although it is really hard to figure out which one as we all have some characteristics of PDs. Some people are just over the normal threshold.

 

My EX actually told me she was f***ed up on a few occasions, I wrongly chose to not really believe her. I know now that when someone tells you that....believe them! I too made up excuses to myself about her as I had never dealt with such a person in a relationship. They always make YOU feel guilty. I stopped when I realized that she was over stepping my personal boundaries.

 

It has been about 2 months for me as well. It has been tough as we work in the same building but not together and I run in to her sometimes. Our last break up she said she did not want to be in a relationship at this point in her life, but she is the one who always calls me back. Yet she jumped into another R with another guy she works with within a week of our B/U??????

 

In my opinion/situation, it is not be about how to let her go, but about saving yourself. Be glad that you got out. These types of people suck the life out of you. They have no respect for your personal boundaries. It is all about their power and ego stroking whatever the diagnosis may be.

 

Good luck, stay strong...

[Patrice]

Dealing with an anxiety disorder here ... left after 26 years. Again the same pattern - his disorder somehow always became an excuse to be emotionally abusive - and I had enough. He was diagnosed after I left after years of trying to fix him, the marriage, trying to get him to go to counseling. He's trying to get back into my life now - and I'm finding the trust issues that developed with the emotionally abusive pattern are not easy to overcome. I'm signing my Legal Separation papers tomorrow - to protect my financial assets. I'm living alone and I'll be certain to take my time about potentially letting him back into my life. We have 3 kids - all grown and launched. I feel that I hung on for the kids and in the end, he wasn't going to take me down with the ship ...

[gavinus]

"They always make YOU feel guilty." and that is the problem for me at the moment. (Sigh), she gave me gifts I returned them after I asked her to not become a stranger because she laughed at me and told me we should tell each other when we get new partners. I felt her behavior was cruel and horrible,...all I told her was, I am returning them to keep my self respect, she then wished me well (total opposite to the laughing), I stayed NC for her birthday and that was that. The issue for me now is I feel like a jerk for returning gifts for behavior which she may/or may not be aware of. Am I the bad guy? Should I apologize (because she has a mental illness) or am I yet again still making excuses for her behavior?

[DustySaltus]

I posted this before but what I did was make a list. My ex had BPD and still refuses to acknowledge it. Here are things she did or things I saw that made me realize I needed to move on regardless:

 

1. You don't have any close friends that you've known over a year (and your 31).

 

2. You constantly asked me if I still loved you (10 times a day).

 

3. Extremely Jealous & Loved to make Ex's Jealous (Telling me to kiss you when we saw your ex in the street).

 

4. Monitored me signing off and on facebook chat by the minute and asking why I didn't say hello to you why I was only on the site for 2 minutes.

 

5. Constantly listen to all background noises while we were on the phone to try and determine where I was.

 

6. Whenever we went to a restaurant NO MATTER WHAT you would never sit at the first table they offered you, never...i don't know what this means, but it means something.

 

7. I could never be on the computer for more than five minutes without you asking me why I was on the computer and not hanging out with you, constantly.

 

8. Would not talk to me because I didn't hug you between every inning of my softball game with the guys.

 

9. Called my mom fake before really establishing a relationship with her and getting to know her.

 

10. Going through my emails daily since the day we were engaged, never asking me about anything....just accumulating nonsense and then bringing it up at the most inopportune time to try and make me feel so guilty that I would agree to live in your country for the rest of my life, from sheer guilt...guilt for what???

 

11. She actually did hit me once, when she stormed out of a restaurant after accusing me of cheating on her. Instead of running outside, I kept eating, ordered dessert, got the food to go and then walked outside a half hour later. As soon as I get outside she punches me in the arm. Broke up with her then and there but eventually forgave her. That was a year ago....I wish I could have that year back, but you live and you learn.

 

Make a list Gavinus and keep it handy. When you feel down, read the list and I guarantee you will feel a little better. Good luck.

[DustySaltus]

 

My EX actually told me she was f***ed up on a few occasions, I wrongly chose to not really believe her. I know now that when someone tells you that....believe them! I too made up excuses to myself about her as I had never dealt with such a person in a relationship. They always make YOU feel guilty. I stopped when I realized that she was over stepping my personal boundaries.

 

Couldn't have said it better.