Nikki Sahagin Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Basically my ex broke up with me in an email, NOT in person, he claimed he would not have been able to break up with me in person because of my "reaction". Because he was unable to face the music so to speak, I feel like I have had no outlet for my anger. We didn't get to discuss it, talk it through, I didn't get to shout or cry at him, all of my questions were answered through emails which were always vague and probably thought-out and not necessarily true reasons at all. Then there is the whole thing of having to wait for a response, just an email is not the way to do it. Because of this I have so much anger and hurt STILL (4 months on) because he has NEVER really answered my questions. I feel the only way I could move on would be to see him in person, but even then i'm going into dangerous territory, because my feelings could rush back. Whenever i've known he'll be somewhere I've always been tempted to go, and pulled out last minute, just in case I do something silly, but really part of me needs that face to face confrontation so that I can make peace with and understand what happened. This is why I find his decision to email me so cruel. Besides this he has emailed me since telling me he still has feelings for me etc and I just DON'T understand him; whether he is genuine/fake - its like there is no trust at all anymore because I can't understand how somehow can love you and break up with you, can care but yet break up with you in an email, can respect you and yet lie. Yet even though I KNOW the only option is to just let this ENTIRE thing go and be free of it, I CAN'T. I drive myself crazy with wondering about him and wanting to know why. Even though I can never truly understand why, its in my mind - I need a reason, that I probably will never get, because he is too cowardly to fully explain, and that alone just drives me insane. Should I even attempt to ask him to explain? (Part of me feels he is winning if I ask...even though its for my benefit) Or should I just try to give myself my own closure? If so - how? I mean I predominantly keep busy but I am a student and need quite a lot of time to read/do assessments, during which times my mind wanders.
Maoky Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've been in a similar situation, however, I was lucky enough to eventually break off the relationship in person, instead of email. But the questions still haunted me for a while. I recently spoke to my ex for the first and possibly the last time after the breakup, and her immature behaviour, that is, her inability to even talk to me unless it was through text or msn, is helping me move on as I realise they're not worth my time if they won't even make the effort in person. I would think that him being a coward would be enough reason, don't you think? He's not worth your time, and he's definitely not worth pursuing if he can't communicate with you in a relationship. Although I do believe an honest reason should be given while breaking up with someone, it's their choice whether or not they want to disclose their reasons. If he doesn't want to, don't waste your time.
Ingenue Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Nikki, I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is completely unacceptable. I know exactly what you're feeling. I was dumped by email by my ex of 5 years. He gave a similar reason as to why he email dumped me, namely that he was too emotionally distraught to do it in person. In actuality, he was a selfish douche. He did the same thing as your ex. He'd contact me a month later (I'd ignore it) and tell me he loved me, that he missed me. He contacted me 7 months later to complain about the current relationship he was in to me (the woman he most likely cheated on me with). Manipulators are always selfish. You were robbed of the opportunity to participate in the break up and have your questions answered. Even if the break up isn't mutual, it should be mutually participatory, not dictated by the whims of an email. Many of us say that closure comes from within, but in certain situations, it is harder to reach that place when you don't have answers. What helped me is writing a letter to my ex, but not sending it. In it, I informed him of how much I hated him for what he did, how much of a coward I thought he was, how this was really a blessing in disguise because I learned earlier rather than later about his true character. I let him have it, vicariously through a letter. Then, I ripped up every single picture I had of him. I deleted every single email we had. I gave away his gifts. I wiped him away from my life. I took him off the pedestal and saw him for what he was - a coward who thought so little of me after spending 5 years with me that he could dump me by email. I deserved better than an individual who lacked the common decency to treat me with respect. After I did that, I did the most important thing for my closure, which was accepting what had happened as final. I forgave him in my head, not because he deserved forgiveness, but because I deserved to use forgiveness as a way to move on. I realized that the more I allowed my anger to fester, the less likely I was to move on. When I let it go, mentally and emotionally, truly let it go, I felt like I had achieved an inner peace in realizing that he no longer was going to cause me any more misery. One day I just realized that, that chapter of my life was over and it was not time to see what my future held. Whether you choose to contact him to seek answers is up to you. But be warned that the answers you seek, may not help you. Your ex after all is a coward and sometimes, it's best to leave those in our past.
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