hiding Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 My OM has been a very close friend to me and my husband for the past 9 years. He and his wife as well as his relatives and his wife's relatives are very close to our family. Never had it occured to me that I will be involved with him. It started this year when my husband went away for vacation for two weeks. My OM friend came over to visit me. It started as a very friendly visit. We were just talking on how things are. Mocking each other like the usual. Without us realizing it, we were both opening for the first time on our current marital issues. Later that evening, he decided to open up about how he felt about me 9 years ago. That he had love me since then, and decided to set it aside since I'm already involved with my husband. I must admit back then, I was attracted to him as well but I dismissed how I felt and thought that maybe I was just being fascinated by his care for me. From that time onwards, we would call each other, send txt messages and sometimes go out and have dinner. I've always kept and open communication with my husband. So all these activities that I'm having with my OM, my husband is aware of. My husband is even aware on how my OM feels about me. And I have told him that it is not far from happening that I might fall for this guy, if we can't iron out our issues. I really wanted to make my marriage to work, but I feel like I'm just in the state of self denial because I long for my friend's care and affection. And I can feel that I'm pulling away from my husband, no matter how hard I tried to see that better side of him. My husband and I had issues for the past 7 years and to this date, I'm still trying to make it work. I want to make the right decision. I don't want to have any regrets in the end. My husband, my friend and I are all unanimous in saying that I am more compatible with my friend. We jive in a lot of things, type of songs, food, perspective in life...but the problem is he is not my husband.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I don't want to have any regrets in the end. My husband, my friend and I are all unanimous in saying that I am more compatible with my friend. You left out his wife. What does she think? Does she even know? Is he willing to leave her for you? If she knows and is of the same mind as your husband, what is stopping the two of you from divorcing and being with each other particularly if it would be with the blessings of your spouses?
ednadean Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 hmm this is an interesting one -- given that it's all very transparent. I say if both your marriages are crumbling and you've found REAL love [i'm not so sure you have -- you just seem to be happy that someone really cares for you?] then why not? It depends what is going on with his wife -- and whether you were willing to divorce your H before you found your friend's feelings for you.
bentnotbroken Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 So the families are close, and you don't see an issue with this at any point? Being compatible in music, food and twisted perspective...does not a relationship make. This will be a mess of catastrophic proportions and you still want to proceed...go ahead.
mourningMM Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I don't want to have any regrets in the end. The decision to end a marriage should NEVER be about another person. You will always wonder whether it could have worked out if they were not available. This is a situation that needs questioning...Does he have kids? Do you have kids? My thought is that ADULTERY has really significant impact on the proceedings of a divorce. ADULTERY can be either an emotional affair (which it sounds like you have) or a physical affair (which it sounds like you are considering). Either way it is ABANDONMENT. And that causes long term emotional issues for both the abandoned and the abandoner! Be careful, be safe. Did you try counseling? Honestly a broken marriage is like a broken leg...go to a professional for help to try to fix it. If your energy and attention are focused on an idealized other person, your spouse has no hope at all. All the power of that attraction is draining the emotion out of the marriage....and that is completely unfair. If you are having problems, deal with them first and honorably. Don't embroil everyone in drama. Or think of it this way...If your parents were all in the room, how would you feel when they asked you are you proud of yourself? Better yet, look in the mirror every morning and every evening and ask yourself, are you PROUD of what you have done?
lostnhiseyes09 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 This post is so close to my own I could have written it myself. I too am contemplating an affair with my husbands best friend. For me it was love at first site 9 yrs ago. Over the last few years we have gotten close and have started hanging out together without our spouses around. My husband knows whenever this is happening and exactly what we are doing. He knows we like each other and doesn't seem to care too much. My husband and I are very close and don't hide much. We have a decent marriage too. The OM and I haven't had sex yet but certain lines have been crossed and sexual things have been said. I went through the feelings of being confused, now I am just ready to go ahead with things and see where they go.
Author hiding Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thank you very much for the replies. We both have kids. He has one...I have two. Prior to this complicated situation. I have been trying to get out of our marriage for the past 5 years. But everytime, me and my husband discuss this, he would promise to change his ways. Which he does for about a month, then goes back to his old ways. I agree with all of you when you mentioned that an affair should not be the reason to end a marriage. Believe me, I've been to make it work. I told my husband that I have been very transparent and vocal with him, though I know I'm hurting him, if this is the only way for him to make him change. He is very understanding, kind and a very doting father. But as I have been telling him in the past years, I can't be making the decision for our family at all times. I can't rely on his support mentally, emotionally and financially. Mentally because whenever we have decisions to make, he just relies on me. He does not even have a single opinion...His mind just floats in the air. Emotionally, whenever we are getting bogged down with problems, I cant run to him for support instead I have to support him because he is feeling down. I have to uplift him. Financially, I pay 99% of our bills. He is in charge of his gas bills and his own credit cards. Other than that, I pay everything. Recently, he wanted to celebrate it by dining out. He wanted to celebrate it in a fancy restaurant to make it special. And I was wooed with that...so I agreed. The frustrating part is, after the dinner was done, he asked me to pay for it. I guess all I wanted from him is too step up to the plate and be my husband. For seven years, my life has always been like this. I'm getting tired to be a mom, a friend, a wife to my husband. I need a husband as well to support me. Am I asking too much. I have suggested marriage counselling, but he declined. I suggested that maybe he can be more affectionate with me...for me to fall in love with him all over again...he said he plans too...but for the past 8 months he is still planning...no improvement in that department... As for my friend, with or without me, he intends to leave his wife. They already had about 8 months of trial separation. His wife have asked to work things out. It maybe weird, but I was even telling him to work it out with his wife if she's trying to change. But it seems that he is decided to leave her.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 i wouldn't recommend complicating both families with spending more time with M-OM. decide what is best for you - and take action on it. either stay and work on the M - or leave and get the D final. NOTHING should happen with you and your other man until both have finalized your divorces. if the intention is to be together - then you will both make it happen. until then, keep things simple and uncomplicated until the time allows and circumstances are appropriate.
fooled once Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I still think the only reason why NOW you want to end your marriage is because of the OM. Your wanting a relationship with HIM is what is foremost in your mind and it is what is giving you the push to end the marriage. My advice? STOP seeing him, talking to him, emailing him, texting him. THEN make concrete decisions regarding your marriage. ONLY after separating, starting divorce proceedings and starting individual counseling and moving into a new residence should you even begin to entertain the idea of an affair with this man. You only know ONE side of him; you don't see the grouchy sick side of him. You don't see how he behaves when angry. You only see the side he wants to show you, the side he is using to pursue you, etc. Your families will implode if you go from one man right to him. Plus, both of you truly do need ALONE time to really decide if this is what you want or if the feelings you have are only because an affair is forbidden, etc. Does his wife know of your feelings for him? Does she know of his feelings for you?
MizzBlue72 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Well - it ALMOST sounds like you and your husband have an open relationship. Is that the case??? If so - ok. It works for some, not all but some and if this works for you guys good luck. What about the friend???? Does HE have an open marriage also?? Remember that open is only when BOTH parties are aware and agree. If he does NOT have an open marriage - I would take this NO further. It really hurts. Good luck.
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