Chic Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hello, This is my first time posting on this site. I've seen some wonderful dialogue between its members, and hope that I'll get the same honest thoughts from an unbiased point of view. My BF and I have been dating for just under a year. We work in totally different industries. He is involved in entertainment. He never tells me anything about his work and expressed a fervent desire to keep work and personal life separate. About a month ago, he said his schedule was going to be super packed as he started a new project. He says his hours are going to be in the 80 -100 hour a week range, and doesn't know when he'll have time for me. But will try as his schedule allows. Since then, I've seen him twice. He calls me every few days, but always seems distracted while on the phone. We've argued about this and I asked him flat out "are you doing this to get me to break up with you?" and he replied "no. and you should stop doubting us" But on my end, it feels like he's using work as an excuse to create a distance. And as the void between us grows, the easier it will be for him to completely fade away. I don't know what this has morphed into. A relationship where one person is super busy?? A quasi long distance relationship?? Why do I feel like I'm almost single again?? So between the distance, the distracted phone calls, the lack of assurance (he's not the nurturing type), I can't help having these doubts... is it really work? Thanks for any thoughts you guys might have.
ashleigh422 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 On this I would say trust your gut. Sounds fishy to me... but I am always leary of men.. How was the relationship prior to this workload increase? Good? How is it that you have been together almost a year and you don't know where or what he does for a living? Is that how I read that post? AM I wrong? If you don't know anything about his job.. it may be near impossible to know if he is lying... I feel for you.. don't really know what else to say.. I just wanted to send you a message so you know that this forum is a good place to get advice and there are alot of great people here for you.
loveslife Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I don't know what this has morphed into. A relationship where one person is super busy?? A quasi long distance relationship?? Why do I feel like I'm almost single again?? So between the distance, the distracted phone calls, the lack of assurance (he's not the nurturing type), I can't help having these doubts... is it really work? The part I bolded above was a real red flag to me when I read your posting. It sounds like you're in a real spot here and unsure if you can trust him and he's not considering how his actions make you feel. That, to me, is the issue. Yes? No? Maybe?
Thornton Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Meeting twice in a month is ridiculous. He should at least be able to see you weekly; even if he's super busy he's bound to have a little spare time. He has to eat and stuff - surely he could spare an hour to meet you for food? At the very least he could call you every day, even if he was doing something else like driving or eating while you chat. A text takes literally 30 seconds, he could text several times a day without interfering with his busy schedule. I know how you feel, because my ex did the same to me. He claimed he was busy - I even asked him outright if everything was ok, and he said yes, he was just busy. His contact with me got less and less, even though he still insisted that everything was ok. In the end I said to him: Look, I get that you no longer have time for me in your life, I hope we can stay friends, and he replied: Ok, I'm glad we're still friends. He didn't even put up a fight or anything, didn't say No, you're wrong, I love you and I'm sorry for neglecting you, nothing like that, he just said OK... and that was it. So despite what he was saying, he was clearly backing away from me - his actions spoke louder than his words. Unfortunately it does sound like he's fading out on you and is just too cowardly to dump you; a guy who is into you will make an effort to see you, will call and text when he can't see you, and will squeeze you in somewhere even if he's super busy and he can only spare five minutes. One of my exes used to finish work at 11pm, drive an hour to my house, spend six hours sleeping with me just so he could cuddle me while he slept, then get up in the morning and drive an hour back home so he could get to work for 8am. The relationship didn't last, but you get the idea - he didn't have time for me, but he sacrificed and he made time. Your bf isn't making time for you at all; he's making no effort whatsoever. Are you in the same city as your bf? How far is it in terms of travel time for you to meet up? How often did you meet up before this happened, and did everything seem to be going ok? I ask because if you're living close together and it's easy to meet up then he really has no reason for not making time for you. Perhaps you should confront him about the issue, because the longer this drags on the harder it will become for you. Tell him that you feel neglected and you need him to make more effort, even if it's only a daily phonecall and 30mins spent having lunch together. Perhaps tell him that it's obvious he no longer has time for you, and see what he says. Unfortunately I don't think he'll fight for the relationship; he'll probably be happy to have an easy get-out, but you never know.... he might be apologetic and try to fix things
Author Chic Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 His job - I've never had friend who worked in the entertainment field so I don't know what the demands are like, the hours needed, etc... He doesn't really want to explain his job to me, as he puts it there's just "too much to explain. it's just work." I think he's looking at this project like the possible breaking point of his career. That, if successful, he should be endowed with all the glory and acclaim of whatever the heck he does. While I understand that this is very important to him, I do feel that his job has overshadowed everything else in his life, including making an effort to be with me. My workaholic friends tells me it's normal, and that I should cut him some slack. The last time I confronted him about not making an effort, expressing how he feels about me, he asked if I was trying to 'sabotage our relationship.' We live about 30 miles from one another. So, about 45 minutes is average. We used to see each other about once or twice a week. Things were good. We took trips. Meet with friends for food. Stayed home and watched movies.
loveslife Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 We live about 30 miles from one another. So, about 45 minutes is average. We used to see each other about once or twice a week. Things were good. We took trips. Meet with friends for food. Stayed home and watched movies. Honestly, I would think if you guys have been together a year and gotten very close that during all this work stress and pressure he'd need you more than ever. I can tell how sad you are. I'm so sorry.
Recommended Posts