friends of other races

[shadowplay]

This was prompted by a thread I saw on another forum. As an informal survey, I'm curious to hear from members how many friends they have of other races and why they believe this is. No judgment or right answers here.

 

I'll tell you a bit about my own experience. As a white person, the majority of my friends growing up were Asian. It may have been that I felt like an outsider, so I identified with people who weren't in the majority. That said, I never have had any black friends, which feels wrong for somebody who considers herself pretty open-minded when it comes to social issues.

 

I'll be honest.

 

Often when I'm talking to black people I get nervous that I'll inadvertently say or do something offensive. The sensitivity of race creates this weird tension that I prefer to avoid. I'm already socially anxious, so the racial division just adds to my nervousness. I'm not trying to justify my lack of black friends, just explain why it's historically been that way for me. Also I grew up in a predominantly non-black town and attended (until recently) a predominantly non-black college. (I say non black rather than white, because there were a lot of Asians.) I realize that this has limited my scope of humanity.

 

I think these feelings probably exist for many people, of all races, but particularly between whites and blacks with all the history there. Even whites who have black friends or blacks who have white friends may feel a barrier that prevents those relationships from deepening because of race.

 

Yet if I were to specifically seek out black friends that would feel even sketchier, as if I were using them as tokens to flesh out a diverse set of friends.

 

There's this weird disconnect where people will talk about being "tolerant" or "liberal" but have few friends of other races.

 

I think it's a bad idea for everybody involved when people narrow their friends to just people who are like them in terms of class, race, etc.

 

Thoughts?

[Lights]

This was prompted by a thread I saw on another forum. As an informal survey, I'm curious to hear from members how many friends they have of other races and why they believe this is. No judgment or right answers here.

 

Most all of my friends are gone now, but among them most were White or Asian, though one is Hispanic and a few Black. It really was a case of who the people around happened to be, not the result of racial anything nor any culture-specific action.

 

There's this weird disconnect where people will talk about being "tolerant" or "liberal" but have few friends of other races.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, unless you suspect outright hypocrisy. It could easily be a factor of what neighborhoods said people work/live in--it's possible to be tolerant of other races and happen to work/live in a homogeneous town or neighborhood. (For example, one might live and work in an area that's almost entirely Asian and as a result deal almost exclusively most days with Asians, and yet personally happen not to have any problem with White people.)

 

 

As for the rest, I had some ideas, but I'll have to think on it further.

 

Are race relations particularly volatile in your area?

[taiko]

You make friends with those who are around thus an opportunity exist. For me as a child that meant Blacks and Asians. As a soldier and an older student when I was more mobile and able to get out of the hood some White people were added. In my working life after the army it is Blacks, Latinos and Asians as few White folk are in the mail carrying business. In my life besides some of the older people at my church (their children are being bought out of the community by high income Asians as they build a wealthy ghetto). There are no Whites around to form friendships.

[forever_waiting]

the town where i live is considered one of the most culturally diverse communities in England- i've lived here for 7 years and especially during college where many people from all backgrounds attend, i've made friends of all races and colours. my best friend is part Jamaican and i have a handful of close friends who are Black and Asian.

i do believe that it is down to who is around in your community rather than any kind of racial preferences. for me, i make friends with people that i click with and like, no matter their ethnic background. it just so happens that because of where i live, many of those people are of very mixed races. i'm sure that if i grew up in a town where the community was predominantly White, they would make up the majority of my friends.

 

it does make me wonder aswell that if i did grow up in such a place, would i feel 'pressured' to find friends of different race, since i've always considered myself to be an open-minded and unjudgemental individual- i might feel as though i had to 'validate' these feelings by doing so. but, that would then be hypocritical because by actively acknowledging people as different as a reason to make friends with them, i am being racist.

 

what the OP said about feeling a 'pressure' to not offend people of other race that you meet is also true to an extent, i believe. from my personal experience, because i have close friends of Black and Asian race, they often make reference to racial stereotyping while i'm around (in humour, such as two Black friends calling each other the 'n' word.) no matter how close we are as friends, i could never ever bring myself to call a coloured friend by that word in the same kind of humour. i don't have a problem if they say things like that around me to eachother but i personally just don't feel comfortable with the idea.

my best friend, who i mentioned before is part Jamaican, often jokes about her Black heritage (she'll say things like in mock anger 'it's cause my dad's Black, isn't it?') and we can laugh because it's in humour. but part of me does feel uncomfortable, as though if there were a coloured person who is in earshot i would be anxious of them being offended. i'm confident enough in my attitudes that i don't feel wary of saying something offensive to someone of another race, but when my friends poke humour at stereotypes around strangers, i do feel uncomfortable being associated with the jokes in their eyes.

[allina]

My friends are about 50% white and 50% Asian (Asian-American and from a wide variety of Asian countries).

 

I don't think that not having friends of other races means that you're intolerant or not open minded.

[alphamale]

i'm asian-indian and most of my friends and girlfriends have been lily white crackers, so much so that i feel like an "honourary" white person

[Trialbyfire]

Some of my friends are Asian (assorted countries as well), some are caucasian. When we get together, it tends to look a bit UNish!

 

People gravitate towards others who have similar beliefs and backgrounds, since communication and understanding are easier. You have things you can relate to, with each other.

 

I can honestly say that I make no effort in RL, to get close to people who aren't in my immediate environment, just to experience difference.

[quankanne]

hmmm ... never really thought of my friends in terms of race. I guess because I don't see color. Age is a whole other thing. I notice ages for some odd reason ...

[Thornton]

I grew up in the whitest town in the UK - I didn't even see a black person until I was about 9 years old, and the only one I saw was a little black girl who was fostered by a local family. There were a few people of Chinese/Indian/Pakistani descent, but they were very stereotypical - the Chinese/Indian families ran the local Chinese/Indian takeout restaurants, and the Pakistani families ran the local corner shops. I didn't really see or socialise with a significant number of non-white people until I went to university aged 18. I think the fact that I didn't grow up with people of different races has actually made me more racially tolerant, because I didn't encounter racism or self-segregation among classmates; race was never really an issue for us as kids because most of us were white and the occasional child of a different race just mixed in with the rest of us, there were never enough kids of a certain colour for us/them to self-segregate.

 

Currently I have mostly white friends, simply because the majority of the people living in this area of the UK are white. In the past I have had friends of various races, and I don't have a problem with making friends with anyone regardless of their race - in fact I always found it interesting to have friends from different backgrounds because they taught me a lot of interesting things about their cultures. I do have family members from different races - some of my cousins have married and had children with Indian, Filipino, and black ladies, so family gatherings are quite racially diverse.

 

I don't think it makes much difference to me that most of my current friends are white, in the sense that I'm pretty much colour blind and I don't really care what race my friends are. I do however think that the UK is more racially integrated than some other countries such as the USA - we have a smaller number of people and ethnic minorities tend to occur in smaller groups, which forces everyone to integrate because there aren't enough people around to stick solely to your own race unless you're white. At least that's true in the north of the country - I know that there are some larger ethnic communities in the south. Perhaps it also has something to do with the fact that in the UK we don't have the same history of slavery/segregation etc that the USA has, so there's less of a barrier between races in that way.

[ReturnToSender]

We're a product of our environment. Up till I was about 12, I lived in a predominantly white neighborhood..by that I mean...I was the only black kid in my school. Then we moved right from that to a predominantly black neighborhood...huge culture shock!

 

Since then, and as an adult, the places Ive lived have been incredibly diverse. I dont see people according to what race they are... As a matter of fact, a couple of months ago I was out for drinks with a friend, and a couple of guys from out of town started talking to us. One was hispanic, the other black. The one who was black latched onto me...and somehow during the course of the night, mentioned how uncomfortable it felt to be in a room full of white people, and that we're the only two blacks in the place.

 

Ive been going to that place for years now...never noticed it till he pointed it out to me...but then I did have to tell him...the majority of the people in here are latin, not white. his response...well, whatever. UGH! But anyway, my point is, its not big deal to me...I dont even notice things like that. Id sooner notice an accent I havent heard before or something of the like...but Im oblivious to skin colour/race.

 

My friends tend to be whoever I found interesting enough to get to know...since its so diverse here, plus Ive traveled quite a bit over the years, I have friends of all races. If I still lived in that little town I was in as a kid...my friends would probably still be all white..since thats all there was around me. Its purely situational.

 

Now, it would be different if one avoided someone because of their race...or had views based on prejudice rather than on the individual...thats another thing entirely.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

This was prompted by a thread I saw on another forum. As an informal survey, I'm curious to hear from members how many friends they have of other races and why they believe this is. No judgment or right answers here.

 

I'll tell you a bit about my own experience. As a white person, the majority of my friends growing up were Asian. It may have been that I felt like an outsider, so I identified with people who weren't in the majority. That said, I never have had any black friends, which feels wrong for somebody who considers herself pretty open-minded when it comes to social issues.

 

I'll be honest.

 

Often when I'm talking to black people I get nervous that I'll inadvertently say or do something offensive. The sensitivity of race creates this weird tension that I prefer to avoid. I'm already socially anxious, so the racial division just adds to my nervousness. I'm not trying to justify my lack of black friends, just explain why it's historically been that way for me. Also I grew up in a predominantly non-black town and attended (until recently) a predominantly non-black college. (I say non black rather than white, because there were a lot of Asians.) I realize that this has limited my scope of humanity.

 

I think these feelings probably exist for many people, of all races, but particularly between whites and blacks with all the history there. Even whites who have black friends or blacks who have white friends may feel a barrier that prevents those relationships from deepening because of race.

 

Yet if I were to specifically seek out black friends that would feel even sketchier, as if I were using them as tokens to flesh out a diverse set of friends.

 

There's this weird disconnect where people will talk about being "tolerant" or "liberal" but have few friends of other races.

 

I think it's a bad idea for everybody involved when people narrow their friends to just people who are like them in terms of class, race, etc.

 

Thoughts?

 

this is called white guilt. get rid of it. unless you've said something to deliberately offend someone, or called someone a derogitory name knowing it's wrong, or have let a prejudice towards a people alter your decision in something- you have nothing to feel guilty of. we're all people just the same.

 

it's when people KNOW your trying to walk a fine line that things get wierd or awkward. just be yourself. and if yourself is not racist, youll get along with people just fine. stop thinking they ASSUME your going to have some form of racism in you, because they're not, and you dont have to prove it to them. most people i have met have never assumed anything about me in the way of racism, which is the way it should be.

 

in other words, relax! your innocent until proven otherwise they're just like you.

[e.clipse]

this is called white guilt.

 

i don't think guilt has much to do with it. personally speaking, for example, i don't have any black friends. not one. but do i feel guilty about it? no, of course not. after all, it's not like i purposely try to not befriend them, but just rather that there hasn't been an experience wherein i could connect with them.

 

...which makes me wonder why. if you say that "they" are just like us, then why are we not friends with them, like we are with people of our own ethnicity?

 

like shadow, i consider myself pretty socially liberal, however, i do often wonder why i don't have any black friends. it could be that because the ones who live near me are really ghetto--and i don't mean that with disrespect, but rather to say that they are the typical black people you see portrayed on TV who are gangsters, unemployed, and uneducated. and personally, i cannot connect with someone like that, given that these people seem to think it's cool to be all "gangsta." i mean, really?

 

but like shadow, i'd rather not actively seek them out as that would make it seem like i am trying to fill an ethnicity quota, rather than form an actual meaningful friendship.

 

anyway...i am predominantly Spanish, though i also have Italian and Mexican blood. most of my friends are of Mexican and Vietnamese backgrounds. i also have a handful of white friends, but my closer friends are Mexican and Vietnamese.

 

growing up, i associated more with Asian people girls because of their conservative nature. as i got older, i started relating more to Mexican people and their plight, so i built some meaningful friendships with a few.

 

aside from them, the white friends, and some other Asian and Hispanic/Latin friends (ie: Japanese and Peruvian), i don't really have friends from other places.

[lord alfred douglas]

I have a friend who is a little bit Mexican, but I overlook her defects because shes a lovely person

[shadowplay]

I can see both sides.

 

I don't believe it's "healthy" for a person to have only friends who are like them in terms of background and life experience in that it limits how they perceive the world and understand other people. Of course it's up to the individual to decide whether they want to erect an echo chamber or enjoy a richer sample of humanity in their lives.

 

But it would also be weird and insincere for somebody to make a campaign out of befriending people who were different from them.

 

I guess my ideal would be to keep an open mind and make some effort to get to know people whom I might otherwise disqualify as potential friends for superficial reasons. Not force anything, but allow a "click" to happen if it's gonna. That's something I need to work on.

[boldjack]

OP, this thread sounds a little racist to me. I have friends, their race is irrelevant. I have dated women, ditto. Color or "race", should only be used as a descriptive device, never as a personal label. I have a friend Charlie, who happens to be a black-colored person. He is my friend, not my black friend, see what I mean?

[shadowplay]

i don't think guilt has much to do with it. personally speaking, for example, i don't have any black friends. not one. but do i feel guilty about it? no, of course not. after all, it's not like i purposely try to not befriend them, but just rather that there hasn't been an experience wherein i could connect with them.

 

...which makes me wonder why. if you say that "they" are just like us, then why are we not friends with them, like we are with people of our own ethnicity?

 

like shadow, i consider myself pretty socially liberal, however, i do often wonder why i don't have any black friends. it could be that because the ones who live near me are really ghetto--and i don't mean that with disrespect, but rather to say that they are the typical black people you see portrayed on TV who are gangsters, unemployed, and uneducated. and personally, i cannot connect with someone like that, given that these people seem to think it's cool to be all "gangsta." i mean, really?

 

but like shadow, i'd rather not actively seek them out as that would make it seem like i am trying to fill an ethnicity quota, rather than form an actual meaningful friendship.

 

anyway...i am predominantly Spanish, though i also have Italian and Mexican blood. most of my friends are of Mexican and Vietnamese backgrounds. i also have a handful of white friends, but my closer friends are Mexican and Vietnamese.

 

growing up, i associated more with Asian people girls because of their conservative nature. as i got older, i started relating more to Mexican people and their plight, so i built some meaningful friendships with a few.

 

aside from them, the white friends, and some other Asian and Hispanic/Latin friends (ie: Japanese and Peruvian), i don't really have friends from other places.

 

I find it depressing that people, myself included, self-segregate. I grew up in a wealthy, predominantly white town with excellent schools. Our school system had a program that brought in kids from the inner city who were mostly black and hispanic. I guess the hope was that the inner city kids would intermingle with their more privileged classmates and thrive under their influence and the good education.

 

It was a flop. The rich white kids stuck together, and the poor black and hispanic kids stuck together. The rich white kids dominated the upper level classes while the black kids mostly filled the remedial level ones. That daily contrast must have been painful for the less privileged kids, between the wealth their classmates displayed and the squalor they returned to after school.

 

After high school, I went to a liberal college that encouraged self-segregation under the guise of political correctness. It had optional program houses for people of different ethnicities, "safe spaces," as they called them. So, despite the fact that this was a very liberal school with kids from similar economic backgrounds (for the most part well-off regardless of race), the black kids mostly lived in a black program house and only hung out with each other.

[shadowplay]

OP, this thread sounds a little racist to me. I have friends, their race is irrelevant. I have dated women, ditto. Color or "race", should only be used as a descriptive device, never as a personal label. I have a friend Charlie, who happens to be a black-colored person. He is my friend, not my black friend, see what I mean?

 

How is it racist?

[Leia]

I have friends of all races and ages. I make friends easier with those who share the same lifestyle as me.

 

Edit to add : I used to only have Asian-European friends then when I started to go abroad, my circle of friends expanded.

[clv0116]

Often when I'm talking to black people I get nervous that I'll inadvertently say or do something offensive.

 

That's always in my mind too. Where I live and the places I go, there are just very few minorities other than Indians and Asians. I don't have a problem as such but I confess I find the arrogant and combative Indian culture sickening, although I like many of the individual people.

 

My GF is from South East Asia, and it's not an issue, except that she likes my big white nose.

[shadowplay]

How is it racist?

 

Really, when you bring up any topic of race, somebody will find a way of calling you racist. But the sensitivity of a subject matter shouldn't prevent it from being discussed.

[boldjack]

Do you call them , your Asian friends? Would you introduce them to others as ****, my Asian buddy? If they are your friends, what does "race", have to do with anything? If you act differently around them than you do , your "white", friends, you might be racist.

[Leia]

The only race I find it hard to form a friendship with would be the Middle Easterners. As friends, they are not too bad but as partners ... no way!

[clv0116]

Do you call them , your Asian friends? Would you introduce them to others as ****, my Asian buddy? If they are your friends, what does "race", have to do with anything? If you act differently around them than you do , your "white", friends, you might be racist.

 

I introduce my GF as "my little slant-eyed babe", is that insensitive?

[marlena]

How is this racism? This word is being carelessly thrown around a lot to the point where I am starting to think that people are actually looking for a racist slant in everything which in itself smacks of racism.

 

Anyway, to answer the question. Race is not a factor when it comes to my choosing friends. I could care less about ethnicity. What's important to me is the quality of the person and having a similar mindset.

[shadowplay]

Do you call them , your Asian friends? Would you introduce them to others as ****, my Asian buddy? If they are your friends, what does "race", have to do with anything? If you act differently around them than you do , your "white", friends, you might be racist.

 

Of course I wouldn't call them my "[blank ethnicity] friends" unless it's in the context of a discussion like this.

 

Race has a strong presence in the world; that's fact. It's naive to suggest otherwise.