How do I deal with this?....

[Wibble]

I left my wife a year ago after failing to repair our 22 year marriage after her affair. Initially things were fairly amicable, but it soon became clear that she expected me to continue to support her as a husband, by paying utility bills, maintaining the house etc, without actually BEING a husband.

 

I soon made it clear that this was not going to be the case, and since the beginning of the year our relationship has deteriorated. It has now reached the stage where she has absolutely no contact with me whatsoever. She refuses to speak to me on the phone, even when handed the receiver by one of the kids, and does not respond to e-mails or texts. Any messages she wishes to get to me are given to the kids to give to me.

 

Aside from the emotional burden this puts on the children, which is pretty despicable in itself, how do I continue the very necessary business of being as parent under these circumstances? It is impossible to arrange time with my children as I never know where they are. Forcing her to talk to me will result in some full blown drama in which she will call the police and claim I am harassing her (it happened earlier this summer, so I know the lengths she will go to), and in the end the lawyers are going to be called in at £210 plus vat per hour. Ruinous for both of us.

 

So has anyone else been in this situation, and how did you resolve it

[delajoonal]

hi wibble..

 

are you divorced?

it is unclear on ur situation?

 

do you still live together?

have u moved out has she moved out?

 

so really i guess the biggest ? is this DIVORCE or legal separation??

 

...you might not like this tho..

 

if you have NOT divored, then you might want to do so..so you can figure out who gets the kids, etc..

 

also, being a LTM, if she is the SAHM...you may have to pay her to keep being

'your wife' without being your wife, its called Alimony.

and that depends on how long you have been married, how many kids you have, her own occupational experiences/schooling, did she work to put you thru school...? there are many many factors in Alimony...

 

even if you get full custody of the children...she still may get awarded alimony.

 

so, you can file on your own..if she does NOT comply, then yep, you will need an attorney..i myself held off for nearly 7 months not getting a lawyer..but my H harassed me so much, i could barely see straight (gaslighting), so i needed the help.

 

so i guess this ALL depends on where you are in the marriage/divorce/legal separation?

 

post more info, if you can..that would help us make a better informed idea of what you should do, etc.???

 

good luck...keep posting..we are here even if you just need to vent..

[Wibble]

I'll try and answer the questions dela, but you must bear in mind that the law in the uk is a bit different to that in the States.

 

Yes, we are legally separated, though in the uk this is established by separate dwellings rather than any legal shenanigans. I had hoped to get a divorce by reason of separation (with consent) after 2 years apart, but the last 9 months have been such a journey to the dark side of the human soul that I now want one asap. The legal advice I have had so far indicates that divorce for adultery (with consent) is the easiest, followed by unreasonable conduct. It looks like we will be going down the latter path.

 

My main concern is to minimise the financial impact of the process. If I am forced to drag her through the courts, will she be able to claim legal aid for her costs (and thus have an incentive to take things to the bitter end)? As she will get custody of the kids (17,15 and 12 before you ask!) will she able to use any money from the sale of the family home to pay her costs (again incentivising her to drag it out)?

 

She has a history of full-time study and employment over the last 6 years, but is currently in a part time job, by her own choice. She is the sole recipient of the rent from a jointly owned property, and receives family tax credit.

 

Aside from the potential legal costs, the impact of the current state of relations between us on the children can only be bad. The eldest has repeatedly expressed his frustration at his mothers actions, and the middle one is keeping out of it. The youngest appears to be trying to ignore the obvious rancour. The eldest and middle one are in their A level and GCSE years respectively, which is a major reason that her behaviour REALLY p*sses me off, and makes her infantile behaviour all the more unacceptable.

 

So how do I approach things? What "Jedi mind tricks" can I use to get her to see the stupidity of her behaviour and the potential harm it will do the long term prospects of our children?

[tojaz]

Cut her off. Anything not directly related to the kids or your legal obligations. Let her see what it is to fend for herself without the safety net.

TOJAZ