How to handle my bf's depression

[Eeyore79]

OK, so I have a dilemma. My bf was recently moved to a new job within his company, and he can't go back because his old job no longer exists. He's gone from a job where he felt like he was making progress and expecting promotion, to a job where he feels like he isn't valued and is going nowhere. This has made him incredibly depressed, and it's got worse as recent weeks have passed.

 

Tonight we had a conversation about marriage and children - I should note that he is already divorced with young teenage kids, and has previously been very positive about marrying me and having more kids - it's one of the first things I asked him about, because not wanting those things would be a deal breaker for me. Anyway this conversation made him basically blow a gasket, and he dumped me.

 

It turns out he has an unspecified amount of debt from before we got together, which he has been trying to pay off in secret without me finding out, and which is becoming increasingly worrying now that he no longer sees any prospects in his job. He also has child support to pay, and because his job prospects have now vanished he sees no way to afford a wedding or kids with me in the near future, because he was relying on getting decent promotions (hence why he got mad when I brought up the subject of marriage and kids - he was happy to talk about it before, but now he feels like it can't happen because of his job situation, so he went crazy). So he has basically told me that his life is over, and I should go off and marry someone else and have kids because he has no right to deny me those things by hanging onto me when he isn't in a position to have any sort of life with me. He told me he's moving out and he never wants to talk to me again, because this stuff is too difficult for him to talk about.

 

From talking to him tonight, it seems that he has this conception of himself as a loser: got a girl pregnant in his teens and married her (trying to do the right thing even though he wasn't in love with her, thus missing out on his education and his youth), now divorced with kids who he hardly gets to see, didn't complete his education, never fulfilled any of his dreams, and still struggling financially because of all his bad decisions in the past.

 

This is the first time any of this has come out: he presented himself to me as happy, fulfilled, in a decent career with no debt, and with plans to get more education and achieve some of his ambitions. But in his opinion he has screwed his life up completely and gone down an entirely different path than he envisaged, with disastrous results. Then he said he looks at me: nine years younger, with a postgraduate education and a decent job, well travelled, no debt and no kids or other ties, and he thinks that I deserve better than him.

 

He said that he loves me but he isn't in a position in his life where he can have a relationship - funny it took him almost two years of being with me (and living together for a year) to decide that - he only started thinking that way after this issue with his job! He said that I'm the type of woman he wanted to be with if he had become the man that he had the potential to be - only he didn't become that man because he messed up, so he has no right to be dating me - because I deserve the man he should have been, not the man he is. I'm not sure if that makes sense to me! He also said that part of it is that he wants to be me, like I am what he wanted to be before he messed up his life, I did everything that he wanted to do with his life, and he's trying to recapture that through dating me and socialising with my friends. I'm not sure I understand that either

 

Anyway, he's stomped off and I don't know where he's gone. He was really nasty and angry, telling me to f off with a better man and leave him alone, although he has since texted and apologised because none of this is my fault, but he still wants to break up. Apparently he's moving out asap and he doesn't want to talk about any of this stuff, which doesn't seem fair since we've been together for almost two years and were talking about getting married and having kids. Even if he comes back, I'm not sure how to react or what to say to him. I really don't know how to deal with this situation and I could use some advice.

[You'reasian]

Sounds like his current hot button is his job prospects and his ability to provide.

 

The current economy isn't so hot - sorry to hear the prospects of your bf - hope things work out for him. Maybe some of the good folks on LS can help him out? What industry does he work? How much experience does he have?

 

Having a college education is definitely helpfull - from anywhere - but the better the school, the better the career support network so to speak.

 

As a college graduate, you use approximately 20% of your college education to do 80% of your technical work. The rest is learning proprietary systems/software and learning on the job, stuff that the experienced guys will teach you and things you will teach yourself.

 

College educations can be financed a number of ways - seeing your bf has debt - he can apply for scholarships or work for the gov.t/military (GI bill - depending on his interests/drive)

 

Anyhow, let him come back to you. Be reassuring, don't pressure and see if you can work out some solutions for his dillema - budgeting/job searching. If he stays irrational, leave him be.

 

Hope this works out for the two of you

 

PS - if you/your bf are in the UK/EU the GI bill doesn't apply obviously - but I'm sure there are programs there (or rather programmes )

[Eeyore79]

He works in mortgages, and he has plenty of work to keep him busy because everyone wants to modify the terms of their loan right now! The problem is that he was working for a department in which he was well respected and had good prospects, and he was hand-picked to be sent to do a very important job in this other department. But when he arrived the new boss was like 'Oh, so you're the one who's supposed to be such a hot shot', and he's basically disrespecting him all the time, trying to make him look bad and not offering the prospects that my bf was promised. He can't go back to his old job because his old department was dissolved and everyone was relocated, and his lack of job prospects in this new department mean he feels he can no longer expect a promotion to afford the wedding and kids and the whole life he was planning with me. He also can't continue to hide his debt from me in the hope that a promotion would enable him to pay it off before I ever found out about it.

 

So yeah, his lack of ability to provide all the things he promised me and afford the life he wanted to have with me is obviously what's set him off. Now he's down about his whole life, all the mistakes he made and how they're impacting on his life now, and he's dumped me for my own good because apparently I deserve better.

 

He loves his kids, but right now he's feeling conflicted because his financial commitment to them in addition to his current job problems means that he can't afford to marry and have kids with the woman he loves (i.e. me)-so he feels like having made a mistake with their mother a long time ago is now preventing him from having a life with me. Then he gets on about how that one mistake sent his life on a downward spiral which resulted in him being married to a woman he hated, not being able to travel or go to college, not fulfiling his ambitions, not having the career he wanted, which makes him even more down about the career he's ended up with, which has then resulted in him not being able to be with me, and so on.

 

I really don't know what to do or say. He still hasn't come home, and he isn't answering his phone, so I guess he isn't coming back tonight. I have no idea how to handle this

[You'reasian]

He works in mortgages, and he has plenty of work to keep him busy because everyone wants to modify the terms of their loan right now! The problem is that he was working for a department in which he was well respected and had good prospects, and he was hand-picked to be sent to do a very important job in this other department. But when he arrived the new boss was like 'Oh, so you're the one who's supposed to be such a hot shot', and he's basically disrespecting him all the time, trying to make him look bad and not offering the prospects that my bf was promised. He can't go back to his old job because his old department was dissolved and everyone was relocated, and his lack of job prospects in this new department mean he feels he can no longer expect a promotion to afford the wedding and kids and the whole life he was planning with me. He also can't continue to hide his debt from me in the hope that a promotion would enable him to pay it off before I ever found out about it.

 

So yeah, his lack of ability to provide all the things he promised me and afford the life he wanted to have with me is obviously what's set him off. Now he's down about his whole life, all the mistakes he made and how they're impacting on his life now, and he's dumped me for my own good because apparently I deserve better.

 

He loves his kids, but right now he's feeling conflicted because his financial commitment to them in addition to his current job problems means that he can't afford to marry and have kids with the woman he loves (i.e. me)-so he feels like having made a mistake with their mother a long time ago is now preventing him from having a life with me. Then he gets on about how that one mistake sent his life on a downward spiral which resulted in him being married to a woman he hated, not being able to travel or go to college, not fulfiling his ambitions, not having the career he wanted, which makes him even more down about the career he's ended up with, which has then resulted in him not being able to be with me, and so on.

 

I really don't know what to do or say. He still hasn't come home, and he isn't answering his phone, so I guess he isn't coming back tonight. I have no idea how to handle this

 

Do the big bucks matter to you? If so, then you should re-assess why you are with this man. He obviously cares about you. That's a good thing.

 

If the big bucks don't matter, re-assure him when he gets back. Tell him everything is fine and you are just glad that he's back etc. and that the two of you can work things out.

[Eeyore79]

I should add that he did get a college education by working two crappy jobs and doing classes in between, but he came out of that and didn't earn very much at all, so he switched to mortgages. He still complains that he could have gone to a better school if it wasn't for money and having to stay near his kids etc, and he might have actually enjoyed college if he didn't have to work two jobs to pay child support. He just seems very bitter about how his life turned out, in particular that it didn't turn out how he planned. He's even more bitter that his past mistakes are now (in his opinion) preventing him from having the life he wants with me.

 

As long as we can have a decent life, get married and have kids, then being super rich isn't particularly important to me. But he says he can't afford a wedding, can't afford more kids without a promotion which is no longer forthcoming, and he knows that not having kids is a dealbreaker for me. So he's dumped me and told me to find a better man who can support a family with me. He even told me I don't love him and I only keep him around because I want company until a better guy comes along, which was a rotten thing to say imho. I don't know how much debt he has because he wouldn't tell me, and there's no reasoning with him about this matter, he only says I'm trying to sweet talk him because I want him to stick around until I find a better guy to replace him with.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I don't agree with You'reAsian, I'm not seeing how this man clearly cares about you at all.

He is dropping everything with you over his job.

He didn't LOSE his job, or is making less than his old job - he is simply not getting a promotion which he SUPPOSEDLY would have gotten at his old job. Tell me, if this is true, how was he so expendible in the other job, if he WAS this hot shot? He was indeed VERY expendible and I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually crappy at his job and was letting on to you that he was the hotshot great guy up for a promotion. His story simply does not make sense whatsoever.

He is still fully employed - nothing has changed except for his actual job position, so this should not be a reason for him to dump you.

He was looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship. I'm sorry, but the truth is he has fallen out of love with you, and now has the "not up for a promotion anymore, you're too good for me anyway" excuse to dump you.

PLUS he LIED to you already about his debt, so surely he has lied about how great his job status was to you, or at LEAST exaggerated. He probably has lied and put up many fascades to you during your relationship.

My advice - him dumping you was a blessing - you dodged a bullet by not marrying this man and having it ended now. You CAN do SO much better.

Not being able to afford a wedding is BS. You can go to the justice of the peace and marry for about $100.

Also, you are employed in a good job, so you COULD afford a child together, HE just doesn't want one with you. Sorry.

I'm surprised you haven't seen through his BS by now.

Another possibility - he is not coming home because he has met someone else and his dramatic, unstable actions and the accusations to you about finding another man are actually him projecting his own reality of starting to see some other woman.

[Eeyore79]

Thanks for the different point of view. I think the problem is that he ISN'T earning enough and was relying on getting a promotion in order to maintain this facade that he's presented to me. He CAN'T afford to have more kids etc but he was telling me that he could, and relying on the fact that he would earn more money before it ever happened. Plus he knows that I'd never go for the whole $100 wedding thing, I want a proper wedding if I'm only going to do it once. He also knows that if we had kids I'd want to stay home with them as much as possible, so my salary would be off the table and we'd be relying on his salary-so he was relying on earning more money by that point. The fact is, he had promised me the moon on a stick, and was relying on earning more money to fulfil those promises-and now he's had to back down and admit he was lying about being able to afford those things, he has debt he hasn't told me about and has nothing to offer me in a practical sense, and admitting that has dented his pride.

 

The reason he changed jobs is because his old department closed down and everyone was redistributed. He was chosen to go to what was supposed to be a particularly good department with good opportunities for advancement, while other people went to different departments or lost their jobs completely. Unfortunately, as I explained, the job in the new department has depressed him since the day he started, because in his opinion he's no longer got the job prospects which would enable him to clear his debt before I found out and then afford to be the breadwinner of a family with me. I know this is true because I'm friends with some of his ex-work colleagues. So he wasn't expendable-the whole department was closed down.

[You'reasian]

Thanks for the different point of view. I think the problem is that he ISN'T earning enough and was relying on getting a promotion in order to maintain this facade that he's presented to me. He CAN'T afford to have more kids etc but he was telling me that he could, and relying on the fact that he would earn more money before it ever happened. Plus he knows that I'd never go for the whole $100 wedding thing, I want a proper wedding if I'm only going to do it once. He also knows that if we had kids I'd want to stay home with them as much as possible, so my salary would be off the table and we'd be relying on his salary-so he was relying on earning more money by that point. The fact is, he had promised me the moon on a stick, and was relying on earning more money to fulfil those promises-and now he's had to back down and admit he was lying about being able to afford those things, he has debt he hasn't told me about and has nothing to offer me in a practical sense, and admitting that has dented his pride.

 

The reason he changed jobs is because his old department closed down and everyone was redistributed. He was chosen to go to what was supposed to be a particularly good department with good opportunities for advancement, while other people went to different departments or lost their jobs completely. Unfortunately, as I explained, the job in the new department has depressed him since the day he started, because in his opinion he's no longer got the job prospects which would enable him to clear his debt before I found out and then afford to be the breadwinner of a family with me. I know this is true because I'm friends with some of his ex-work colleagues. So he wasn't expendable-the whole department was closed down.

 

It almost seems like you knew he was lying from the start and you knew this guy's character before hand according to the way you're presenting the sequents of events to us. As you say he was "presenting you the moon on a stick" - an addage that a young, naive person would never use - one that a wise, mature, common-sense kind of person would, which you are

 

I like to present a pumpkin on a post lol its much more practical, challenging enough and you can practice at it...

 

In your first post, you say this man didn't complete his education (fourth paragraph)

 

In your last post, you said he did complete his education - did he complete it while you were developing your story?

 

I'm assuming you didn't lack the correct information and instead, he's just a whiz kid...see, you picked a smart one! Good on you

 

You've also used the word "job-prospects" and "debt" frequently, the kind of jargon that HR/recruiters use frequently (I'm thinking one who recruits accountants)...maybe you could set this guy up with a professional recruiter? That way, the professional recruiter could provide him with more job prospects - with promotions - that will help him pay off his debt.

 

As I understand it, recruiters are good at mining job opportunities and selling candidates - the exact methods of which are unknown to we viewers at LS - which is fine, because they specialize in that line of work.

 

Which university did he graduate from?

[Eeyore79]

I guess when he says he didn't finish his education, he means that he had big plans to do postgraduate studies and a PhD, and instead he didn't even get to go to college as a young person-his gf got pregnant and he married her and got a dead end job to support the kids, then after his divorce he went back as a mature student and had a miserable time studying part-time for an undergraduate degree while working two jobs. He didn't achieve the level of education he aspired to, and he bemoans that fact all the time, especially because I did study postgrad-he often says I lived the life he wanted to have lived.

 

I don't like to give too much identifying information, but suffice to say he didn't graduate from a particularly good college even though he's quite bright, because he had no choice but to go to the (not very good) college in the city nearest to where his kids live. This is another thing he frequently moans about.

 

I've talked to him about changing jobs, but he already works for the biggest bank in his city and he says there's no other employer in the area who could offer him similar work, and obviously he can't move away to another city (at least for several years) because of his kids. There's no reasoning with him, I've tried telling him to look for other job prospects, a job that he might feel happier with, but he won't listen.

 

I admit that from the beginning I was rather sceptical that he would want (or afford) marriage and kids again, and I asked him about it up-front. He insisted that he wanted to remarry and have more kids, because his own kids never grew up in his home and he was always a Saturday Dad, plus he wanted another try at a happy marriage because his first one was miserable. He told me he had no debt, no commitments other than his kids who are already teens, and he really wanted (and was in a position to) start over.

 

Now he's saying that he still really wants to start over, but financially he was never in a position to do so, and he was hiding it from me in the hope that he could earn more money and fix the situation before it became an issue (which now isn't going to happen because of his job situation). According to him, he lied to me because he knew that marriage and kids were important to me, and he also knew that I wouldn't be willing to enter into a relationship if those things weren't on the table. So he said he was in a position to have marriage and kids with me, in the hope that by the time we got around to it he really would be in that position. He now says he has no business wanting to start over because his past mistakes mean he can't afford to do so, and he has no business dragging me into his mess because I deserve to have the things I want in life (i.e. marriage and being a mother), things he can't give me because of how his past mistakes are impacting upon his present life.

 

He came home and collected some clothes, but he's still refusing to talk, and now he's gone back to his friend's house. He says he doesn't want to talk because he feels like a failure and a liar, and there's no way to fix things anyway so talking would be pointless.

[You'reasian]

Best of luck with your man and all. I imagine the economy is hitting alot of folks hard - but not as hard hitting as certain top state college ball teams will be this afternoon

[Pink Cupcakes]

It appears you have hit a brick wall then. He isn't willing to make your relationship work, and you need marriage, kids, and the ability to stay home and raise them without working. and he has said he isn't going to be able to give that to you. In fact, he has left so you will get the message loud and clear.

Personally, I think he's seeing someone else and he has the excuse of the lack of funding to dump you because cheating and leaving you for her makes him out to be a real bastard. Leaving you because he can't give you the white picket fence and kids and you are too good for him actually makes him noble.

[Eeyore79]

I greatly doubt if he's seeing someone else, unless he has a time machine, because we're pretty much joined at the hip. He works 9-5, and from 5.30pm he's with me all evening, every evening, until he goes to work the following morning. We spend weekends together too - sometimes we socialise with other couples, sometimes we go to the movies or something, but we're always together. Apart from the two afternoons per month he spends with his kids, and I doubt if he gives up his time with them to see some woman. Thanks for the advice and all, but saying I should just let the relationship go really doesn't solve anything: what I need is advice on how to address this problem and fix things.

[northstar1]

I greatly doubt if he's seeing someone else, unless he has a time machine, because we're pretty much joined at the hip. He works 9-5, and from 5.30pm he's with me all evening, every evening, until he goes to work the following morning. We spend weekends together too - sometimes we socialise with other couples, sometimes we go to the movies or something, but we're always together. Apart from the two afternoons per month he spends with his kids, and I doubt if he gives up his time with them to see some woman. Thanks for the advice and all, but saying I should just let the relationship go really doesn't solve anything: what I need is advice on how to address this problem and fix things.

 

Well,I guess it depends on how long it will take him to dig out of the ditch he is in, and how long long are you willing to help him dig?

Is he in a massive amount of credit debt (like heading to bankruptcy kind), or just needs time to pay off some mounting credit card bills?

This economy has hurt a lot of people, and I know a lot who are struggling to pay off their debts because a lot of salaries/bonuses were frozen, as well as promotions etc etc.

 

Also, is he planning to just stick it out at his job, or is he actively seeing a headhunter and possibly looking to move elsewhere if the opporunity arises?

[Pink Cupcakes]

You haven't been joined at the hip lately, though. He's not even there and he wouldn't even talk to you when he came back to get his clothes, right???

I'm willing to bet he met someone at work or ONE time when he was away from you, it can happen anywhere....grocery store trip (with kids in tow), walking down the street, in line to pay at the gas station....you're not with him every single second and you haven't been with him at all the last however long its been since he broke up with you.

 

He already has addressed the issue of him not wanting to be with you by breaking up with you.

You don't really have a choice, hon.

[Eeyore79]

We had an argument at 7pm last night - I very much doubt if he's met someone else while being away from me for one day. I have no idea how long it'll take him to dig himself out of this ditch, because he won't tell me just how deep the ditch is. He's sticking it out at his job because he feels that he has no other option, but he's getting incredibly depressed about it, to the extent that it's impacting on all other areas of his life, including our relationship. Since these job issues have arisen he's come to feel that he can't clear his debts and can't provide for a wife and child, so he's become even more depressed because he feels like our plans can't go ahead now-he's been depressed for months and when I brought up the subject of our future last night he just snapped. I really don't know what to say to him to make him feel better, or how to fix this.

[dave22]

Maybe you should try to have an open and honest discussion with him about what exactly each of your financial expectations/needs are were you to have a family together. If you did so perhaps he would discover that it still would be possible for you to get married and have a family. Or perhaps you would realize that maybe things really are so bad that it couldn't work. But you can't know if you don't have that discussion. And if he refuses to discuss this with you then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship with him as how could you be expected to resolve any future problems.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Yes you are wanting a proper wedding meaning a lot of money...you KNOW he can't give that to you. Why don't you pay for it yourself. The bride's parents are supposed to pay for it, anyway.

You don't seem willing to negotiate on the having children and having him work to support them while you stay home with them for at least a long while.

You KNOW he can't give that to you.

There is absolutey NO way you are going to get what you want out of this guy - you are not willing to bend your expectations.

He is not the guy for you because there is NO way he can fulfill your needs unless he wins a million dollars in the lottery or something.

Why not find a guy who is in a position to give you those things and meet your needs?

[Eeyore79]

The point is that he has only just decided he can't give me certain things, after being together for two years. I want a proper wedding, and he has always agreed with that - we've even looked at wedding stuff online and made plans for what we want. I'm prepared to pay half, but I don't see why I should pay for the whole thing, or why, in this day and age, the bride's parents should pay for anything. I want children and I want to be secure enough to have time to look after them - he has always agreed with that. Why should I give up my chance to have a family, just because he has made mistakes in his life?

 

It's not a matter of me being inflexible, it's a matter of him agreeing with me 100% and then suddenly admitting that he's been lying for two years and he can't actually afford marriage and kids. So I've wasted two years and become emotionally invested in a relationship which he now says is going nowhere, because he told me lies about his financial situation. If he had told me from the beginning that there was no way he could give me what I wanted in a relationship, perhaps I wouldn't have dated him. As it stands now, I am emotionally invested and have spent a very long time in a relationship which (I was falsely made to believe) would fulfil my needs and desires.

 

He did calm down and come home in the end, and I've persuaded him to reserve judgement on the situation and look for a different job. We've set a six month time limit, and then we're going to re-evaluate the situation.