did he love me

[wondering_girl]

hi ECM and anne..... how do i go upon losing that HOPE? that he'll come back to me!

 

ECM, girl, i was young and naive... (is 27 young, say YES hahah) and my ex-bf (or whatever he is really is 30) so we're not kids......we're in that age frame that ok, if you wanna marry me then let's fix this, if not let me go. yah i'm having anxiety, panic attacks, dreams about him, you guessed it......i'm very sad but he's pulled silent treatment on me so many times i know he won't talk unless he feels like it... i feel like i'm waiting on a verdict (i know i shouldn't wait, i wish there's a chip that i could pull out of my heart and brain so he'll go away, JERK) i just hate to think that i'm still here waiting, i hate ME for feeling that way, i just want these thoughts off of me!!

 

thanks for your postings too girls, have a good day, i'm still in bed

[anne1]

ECM - sorry i am from England so as you are asking what a solicitor is i guess you are from the USA? I am a family lawyer, (attorney) yes I used to divorce people and may well do so again in future..........Wow you said it I pine away when i get to friday and yes today i am glad i am not nursing a rejection. It was hot and sunny here yesterday and i dropped to the bottom, thinking we would have been out exploring a beach or castle or something ( he took me to really romantic places) just seeing the sun out would have been enough for us to go.

 

Wondering girl ...........ECM is right we all have similar stories, I think i may be more dilusional cos mine has actualy looked me in the eye and said he doesnt love me and never has. Never slipped out with a hint of a i love you. I just feel it and he showed it in his actions.

 

I was reading your cp thread and it is spot on........ I just don't get it at all ECM played it cool and no pressure and refused to chase him and I spent weeks showing him i would be there whatever he did ( i.e being a doormat) and chasing him and neither worked.

 

I am feeling better today, the guy i met friday has text and said he thinks i am really nice ( great nice is the word) but i told him that i am thinking of jeff and we should just be friends, he agreed. Good job so i dont have to be embarrased at the gym lol.

 

My cousins think i am mad, told me i must be loopy and they are giving up on me, they say i shouldnt have any feelings for jeff and he was obviously using me,,,,,,,,,,,,,, using me for what? He didnt have to use me he already had me on a plate so i just dont get it.

 

Well Monday is coming so Wondergirl,go out to work and enjoy all those people who treat you with respect and courtesy and realise that you are worth it. I do it every week and it is getting easier, i think, at least now i can eat, I lost a stone in weight in August cos i was so down, had a pain in my stomach felt like it was twisted, could not sleep or eat but now i am eating and despite dropping yesterday i slept for the longest i have in months without dreaming or thinking of him.

 

 

Wondering girl and ECM ..... you know we are all crazy, what are we doing with these men? ( don't answer i know)

[ecm]

Hi. Anne- I live in NY. A solicitor is a lawyer? I've never heard it called that before. To be honest when you were referring to marriages and divorces and the word solicitor was thrown in the mix, lawyer is the LAST thing that came to my mind. As far as I've heard it used, it's also a sales person of some sort. I won't tell you what kind of SALES I was thinking! (hahahahahahaha) I'm glad we cleared that up. (not that I would judge either way, I just learned something new today)

 

Back to our stories... I need to clarify something. I "played it cool" as far as not demanding a commitment or a ring or something. And I have played it cool THIS TIME as far as NC. But I never played it cool as far as showing/ telling him how I felt. He knew I was crazy in love with him so he know just like Jeff that I would be there no matter what. That's where I/ we messed up. We can't help it if we love someone with all of our hearts. We CAN help what they can get away with. If I end up with someone else, I'll know what to do. "Yes I love you, but you can't come and go as you please" "Yes, I forgive you. I'll give you a 2nd chance, but not a 3rd". "No, you can't go 'on the run', then call me a month later to come over to "get some". Ya know?

 

Do I need to tell you about the time I chased him in my car and drove over lawns b/c I ran into him at a festival and he pi**ed me off? Or the time I stole his work boots out of his truck so he would get in trouble at work? Or the time I showed up at his door WITH the ugly b*tch he cheated on me with when we were just starting? (who btw looks like Fiona (GREEN FIONA) from Shrek) I have done some crazy sh*t. If he wouldn't have just gone MIA and been a man about breaking up the first time, I would have handled things way differently.

 

I think no matter which way we got to the place we're in, we have a chance to fix it. It might be realizing that our friends were right- they are not good enough for us. It might be they have a huge turn around and we live happily ever after (puke- for saying that phrase) or it might be something else.

 

Anne- did he say "I never loved you" after a fight? Or when trying to say he needed space? How did it happen? Mine said it too, about two weeks ago. Let's compare stories of the sh*t heads....

[ecm]

Wonderinggirl- 27 is younger than I am (35). So, yeah, you are young. I thought late teens- not sure why maybe because you seem so nice and not jaded.

[anne1]

Hi, yes it can mean the same thing here too, but i dont do that sort of soliciting. I practice law.

 

The first time he said he didnt love me, i asked him to tell me he loved me and he siad he couldnt cos he didnt. Said he felt the same about me as he did about his wife when they started out but he had not told her he loved her until they were two years in and then he proposed. Says if he says it he is committed.

 

Then at various times when i have told him that i know he loves me he denies it. The last time being before the hug two weeks ago. I told him that if he could not explain what happened that i would leave thinking he loves me and is scared, he said he doesnt and never has, but has no explanation. He nods when i say he is scared but ' wants to be on his own'

 

I think he was getting to it, when we were in bed he would say i love this or that, i.e my breasts, how i feel etc ( this was new to him) He also told me that i was the best lover he had had and that i had taught him alot ( I did when we met he thought foreplay was squeezing my bum) by the time we finished we were at it like rabbits and could not keep our hands off each other.

 

He is very victorian and old fashioned. I remember one day he took me out and i knew it was a pre sunday rejection outing and had spent the night with him the night before. I was already chewed and couldnt eat, he kept taking me into cafes to buy food, cakes etc and i couldnt eat it. At the end of the day i asked for chips but to share with him. i went to the loo ( had washed my hands) and then when i came back i took one of the chips with my fingers. He was using a fork. He looked at me as if to say what are you doing and ( here is a laugh for you) I said " dont worry darling, my hands havent been anywhere your mouth hasnt been". I deserved the sunday rejection that day as i left him mouth agape and shaking his head. LOL

 

How about you? did the magic words slip out and when did he say he didnt love you?

 

I was telling my cousins that i wont be seeing Alan again and that i have told him that i am thinking of jeff and they made me laugh, they are saying that when Alan (who is gym fit, hansome with a lovely smile and 5 years younger) sees Jeff and realises i rejected him for Jeff that he will feel very rejected indeed and ask me if i am having a laugh LOL

[ecm]

LOL. You're funny. Wow, foreplay was squeezing your bum? And he left his mouth agape when you said that about his mouth? (I suspect he acted "grossed out" but maybe was turned on by it, too

 

Some people treat the "L" word like it is a contract, so they think it's a freaking huge deal. I mean, I do NOT throw it out there easily...actually only 4 men in my life. That might even be too many. Still, some people are just wacky.

 

Mine let it slip out once. Then he said things in bed like Jeff did. I love this, I'm IN LOVE with this, blah blah blah.

 

I think both of ours said it when we were kind of backing them into corners. Both times mine said it were when he was saying he needed space and I was hesitating... I feel like such a chooch- I don't BEG people for anything! So, I think some people mean it. I think some people THINK they mean it. And I think some people say it because they feel trapped...like it's a way to make the other person leave.

 

I don't know. I broke up with such a good guy about 8 years ago. As soon as we got close, it seemed real...I freaked. I was so mean, saying EVERYTHING I possibly could to get him to leave me alone. I thought that's what I wanted. Ithought I didn't love him. Then I saw him months later and almost lost my sh*t. I had such a pit in my stomach for letting him go. So, again...I don't know. Your story sounds like that. I've been on both sides of it. My story sounds like it,s oo..as I am the one going through it, rememebring all the details. But, you never know what's in these guy's heads. I'll try to say more when I get home, I wanna leave work soon. Hope you're well....

 

PS DONT end it with the young hottie yet. Why not just say "take it slow"? You never know....

[anne1]

He is 5 years older than me but 5 years younger than my ex lol

 

We have agreed to be friends, i text him (alan not jeff, still NC with Jeff)

 

told him that i felt guilty and did not mean to lead him on and that he is the only other man i had found attractive but just cannot get the ex out of my head, told him he is lovely and i enjoyed his company and conversation and felt really comfy with him and would not have rejected him for any other reason than i need brain surgery to remove the ex from my brain. ( i did this cos alan has just come out of divorce and has some confidence issues, and he was so lovely) He text back to say thanks for that and you are such a caring person i really would like to be friends, so i feel better about him but hate that i could not get that feeling for him, The policeman is still chasing me..................he too is lovely ( in nature not in looks) He has more chance of peeing on the moon. I told him alan walked me home and he has not contacted since..........good that was the idea.

 

Jeff is obviously still on planet Jeff, my cuz says he is still not going out and no one has seen him except at work.

 

Saw a fortune teller ( who is often right) she says he is going to contact me..................why do i think she is wrong, why cant that bloody man sort his head out and realise life does not revolve around his insecurity.

 

Tell me ECM if he contacts what do i do? I know what i would normaly do, be too nice and then agree to whatever he wants, I am not sure i can go through it all again, I want some guarantee that there wont be another rejection but i dont want to make him run cos i am asking for the C word. I just hate that i think of him all the time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, what is wrong with my stupid head.

 

How long since your NC and what will your reaction be this time? I must be honest, you sound a bit like a cp yourself but not when it comes to him.

[ecm]

I'm not even done reading his yet and i must tell you I just laughed so hard at "he has more chance peeing on the moon" ...OMG LOL. My chest was bouncing I was laughing so hard

[ecm]

Hi Anne, It has been about 2 1/2 weeks. We last texted on 9/11. What will my reaction be? Well, that depends if he comes back, when he comes back, and why he comes back. I tell everyone I think their guys/ girls will come back. Everyone tells me he will. But, just like you, it's easy to think negatively. So, I'm trying not to "make plans" about it. But, what would I do if he came back a changed man, saying I was right? #1) I told you so, f*cker. #2) let's watch animal planet, b/c you are going to learn how to do some tricks #3) why should I believe you #4) Hold on while I buy a plane ticket to vegas (to get married- LOL) so you can't change your mind and #5) take off your pants.

 

 

Ok, really? That's what I'd do, in a classier, less offensive manner. (minus the marriage thing)

 

And yes, I am pretty sure I'm a CP, too. Actually take out the pretty, b/c I know I am. The difference is, I have the balls to be honest with people and break up with them to their face and not just go MIA with no explanation. I've always been until him b/c I always had doubts. But, now, when I've finally found the man that leaves me with ZERO doubt he could be the one, HE IS THE CP. Perfect, right?

 

So, be "friends" with Alan. How could that do any harm?

[anne1]

I was right? #1) I told you so, f*cker. #2) let's watch animal planet, b/c you are going to learn how to do some tricks #3) why should I believe you #4) Hold on while I buy a plane ticket to vegas (to get married- LOL) so you can't change your mind and #5) take off your pants.

 

LOL Ha Ha Ha you are so funny.

 

I moved from London last July, since problems began with Jeff the following have been put on the friends list

 

Steve - policeman, divorced, no baggage about ex thinks she is baggage but stayed for their kid. Really lovely manner, says all the right things like if i say i will meet for a coffee " oh wow you have made my week". Really nice to talk to, sweet guy. Problem, I see him and he reminds me of someones kindly dad. He has zero sex appeal and i just want him to swap brains with Jeff so that i can have it all. However, the rest is not negotiable, again i say he has more chance of peeing on the moon.

 

Barry - He was shocked when he found i was seeing Jeff. He had made a play earlier and i told him he had no chance. He has known jeff about 36 years and me about 9 months. He says i am way too good for Jeff and he has kept me informed about stuff Jeff wouldnt want repeated. He and i are friends and we get on like a house on fire, we even have the same birthday. Problem, I hate disloyalty and think he was telling me stuff about jeff his friend since age 17 to get in my knickers. He also has the worst bad breath and BO. He says he is fine as friends but has those love sick puppy eyes he has more chance of screwing the pope.

 

Alan- lovely body, lovely looking and lovely in nature,good job and makes me laugh but damaged by another woman and i cant be his counselor and he cant be mine. Feel guilty when around him and constantly think of Jeff and compare them. He has some chance but not now, the timing is all wrong. My cousin says i am mad she says she would shag him and she wouldn't mind sitting on that belly ( 6 pack) ( whats the betting he has a weeny in his pants?)

 

Paul, moany old git thinks he is peter pan see chances of steve and barry and double it.

 

Andrew -local property lawyer.... too young for me,, drinks too much and can i really be bothered to teach him what to do? He usually goes with young girls ~( over 18)

cos they dont know the difference and are wowed that he is a solicitor.

 

Richie dont know what he does except corner me everytime he sees me. Thinks he has a chance,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, he has more chance of of shaging the pope on the moon

 

 

Davy he is funny, fit but looks older than he is. He has screwed half the women in the area and whittled his bed away with knotches. We are friends and he warned me about Jeff and said I should make sure he knows he is lucky to have me.................he has more chance of catching something nasty from one of them women.

 

There are more.................... but they get worse. I hadn't thought about it like this, no wonder Jeff and Alan seem so good LOL. There are others but they did not even make the friends list cos they didnt like rejection and those above are either good friends like Davy who text me constantly for two days cos he saw me crying and eventualy got me to laugh. Barry who also has made me laugh and looked out for me (i just hate that he did this at the expense of such a long friendship)

 

I cant think of him coming back, I dont know how to handle it, so much has gone on, I dont know how to feel anymore, I cant think of him need to have my own space or go mad. Tomorrow i will be down again wanting him but tonight i must sleep.

[anne1]

ECM..... The hottie has been chasing me, i went out saturday and got very drunk. Had one very attractive but atttached man stalking me all night, at least he was honest he said he fancied me and would like to take me out to eat and then shag the arse off me for the night, my cousin warned me about him last week siad they call him DR Love. Well i met dr loves woman last time and he is still with her and I wouldnt do it to her. Told him that i was not interested and even if i was that i was too good to share.

 

Anyway he is not jeff.

 

Got home and got a text off alan, 'Hi been to sunderland, was hoping to see you.' I text back saying ( me very drunk and stupid) 'I was hoping to see you too lover'. He text Hey that was a great message and i would love to be your lover.......Can i come over? ....................I can get a cab now if you want? MMMMMMMMMMMMMM then we can just have a cuddle and talk it would be nice seeing you. mmmmmmmmmmmm. Me very drunk says hey ok come over for a cuddle.............

 

Cuddle was fantastic, he was holding me tight and stoking me and it was soo comforting, felt safe and warm. If i had not been so drunk .....Well turns out i was right he has a weener and problems getting it on. When he did get it on he wasnt jeff and it wasnt the same and just left me feeling cheap. Well at least he wont say anything. We talked most of the night and just hugged. I think i spoke to much about Jeff and he got uncomfortable and left. Anyway he text this morinng to say he has so much crap with his ex wife and is going to let me down......................I am furious ( with me) I don't care about him at all apart from friends, he is lovely and another time another place but i cant drink again, i have to stay in control and avoid the sleezy gits.

 

I wont repeat it, trust me to pick the guy with the weener,,,,,,,,,,,,, I may not be so mad if it had been worth it.

[ecm]

Hey Anne. I haven't been on all weekend, but I wanted to say I'll respond tomorrow. Too much to talk about for a "quickie" response. NO PUN INTENDED hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Crazy weekend. TTYsoon.

[ecm]

Hello Well, at least you could stomach the idea of another man. That's progress, for sure. What a freak show though. He stalks you, comes around, then texts you a lame excuse that he'll let you down? LOL. Who cares? You can do whatever you want, and you didn't like him anyway. Cuddling was fun..even though his attempt at the "shagging" was lame... so you had a night where you weren't alone. You were testing the waters. I think it's huge that you even hung out with another guy. Good for you. What did you text him back? Anything?

 

I haven't heard anything from my ex. You ? Anything new? are you starting to feel better? It sounds like it!!

 

I was at a wedding this weekend & had a couple of guys flirting with me. They are both ten years younger than I am. LOL. One of them is hotter than the other. But the less-hot one is more of a good guy. We work together. He is in sales and makes about ten times what I make (and I DO OK!!!!!). So, he got my number. We'll see what happens. If I were going to just hook up with a random guy, it definitely can't be a work guy.

 

I still miss my ex, though. BUT I REFUSE to be the one that makes cotact since he was the one who initiated the break-turned drama. At least we both apologized in our last text. I WOULD NOT be so "strong" if we had ended things like he normally does..by going MIA.

Edited October 5, 2009 by ecm

[anne1]

Well giving the phone number is the start of it. I hope he is nice and something clicks for you. I thought when you weren't on that the ex had come knocking.

 

I know how it feels, I haven't heard from mine at all. still no one has seen him. I am trying to block him out, it was making me ill thinking about him. I started to be scared to be alone, felt so hopeless and alone. Knew i had to do something so have been working hard. I actualy dont think of myself with another man, it has actualy confirmed that there is no other man like him. Although alan was a great hug and it was comforting I just wish it stopped there. Yes i replied, i said

 

Hey no worries, i didnt want anything from you anyway. Thanks for being honest it is so refeshing and am so pleased you are not going to muck me about. I like you and i know that i made you feel second best and am sorry for that.

 

He text back to say you obviously haven't moved on and neither have I. I never meant to hurt you. Hope we can be friends....

 

I text back this morning after making him worry all night ( he probably didnt) Just wanted to let you know that you did not hurt me, you have to care about someone for them to be able to hurt you. As far as i am concerned we are just friends who both needed to be held and took comfort from each other, nothing more. I am not ready to move on I love jeff and there is no one like him or who makes me feel like he does. So dont feel bad i used you as much as you used me. It really is ok, but it wont happen again. i know you are too decent to hurt anyone. Still friends take care sweetheart might see you down the gym.

 

He says yes still friends and thanks for being there, hope to see you down the gym too

 

had two other texts from him today, small talk

 

No bad feeling there, actualy on reflection the text i sent him was spot on and we are as bad as each other. I know if i offer he will be back but he has no chance now..........what a shame he has nearly the whole package, my heart is not in it and the one thing he could have done to make me feel good he cant do as , shall we say lacks capacity?

[anne1]

Hey, you are right, he has to make the move back. I refuse to go near mine but am convincing myself that he has just forgoten me and is probably shagging someone else, although he is not like that.

 

 

If mine contacts me i am going to log in and see if you are there for advice. feeling more numb than hurt now. Maybe i should just forget about men altogether. I am ok in every other part of my liife do i need it.

[ecm]

Funny how he says he'll let you down, but as soon as you tell him you used him too he's texting you small talk. What a load of sh*t. Hey- ya never know. The first time with my current ex was just "eh" then it got INSANEL CRAZY HOT. I can't talk about it anymore at the moment, or I will break no contact quicker than your guys "couldn't perform" the other night

 

Eh. Time will tell with both of us, I guess.

 

Also, once we have become "established members" we can email. I'd rather not post my email address on her for EVERYONE to see, so we'll have to wait. Not sure exactly WHEN we become "established members"- is it time? or # of posts? Or boobie size? Guess we'll see...

 

You thought he came knocking? (you know I wish...) I would have been on here for ADVICE on what to do too

 

So sleepy. I went to bed at 4am this morning to be to work at 8:30. Ugh. talk to you soon.

[anne1]

I hear what you say............does it go away.

 

The first few times with the ex wasnt great but that was nerves and it had been a while. How can it be right again when it was that good and natural with him, he just had to look at me sideways to get me going.......yea not a good thing to be thinking of.

 

I saw the fortune teller, she insists he is gonna call me.................we will see

 

Yep it would be good to be able to email. Perhaps if we are on at the same time, we could post the email addresses and then edit and delete them straight away???? Are you on facebook, we could do it that way?

[anne1]

he's scared, she's scared- steven carter and julia sokol

 

i just bought this book from ebay. i could have written this book. so could you, its like they have our men and our reactions down to at. passive chaser he active runner. Wow is all i can say.

 

I agree that its likely that he is still thinking of me, the conflicting actions etc,,,, yes he thinks i will be here and yes thats what the book says must not happen. I have to make him think that he lost me competelhy and cant come back. Otherwise he will either keep doing this or will stay away secure that he can have me if he wants me.

 

Update on situation. Texts from Alan, smalltalk. Thought i saw him out last night and text him to say i saw him and he says did you. says he did not see me and wish he had, He later text to say ' fancy a shag' ...............me sober and not in a good mood.......replys 'pig' he texts sorry, two hours later he texts to say do you want a cuddle, then rings telling me that he would have come over if he saw me.

 

I text back ' come off it, u must have seen me, every man in the bar turned their head when i walked in, yes i am sober and yep a little arrogant but it it true' He rings pleads with me to believe he wasnt there and he would have come over. I said i wouold go for a cuddle and not a shag, he agrees says he wants to hold me. slept in his arms no shag, told him that i am happy to be friends and sleep in his arms maybe once a week............... he says yes thats what he wants, feels really close to me and loves cuddling me but doesnt want a relationship...........I am amazed that he had ignored that this is what i said from the start i dont want anything with him but i do like cuddlling him. So i have a cuddly friend.

 

Went shopping with Barry, had a grest day, havent laughed so much in years, bumped into steve he says its great to see me happy and smiling whilst he is glaring at Barry. I wish Jeff had Barrys personality, i would be in heaven. Anyway after reading the book i have moved a step further towards healing and the laugh with Barry and the hug from Alan has also helped that. Not going to have sex until i have that feeling, i had for jeff, so maybe never again.

 

ECM please read the book, they are talking about your guy too. It is spookily accurate:laugh:

[ecm]

Hey Anne. My email is eddy********stage(no asterisks though, just the two words- rest at bottom in case it shows up in a search or something b/c I don't know how that stuff works) I'll email you facebook info from there. it's @aol.com

 

Sounds like you had a good weekend. My sister rented a lake house for the weekend so we had "girls fall weekend". Good to get away Talk to you soon.

[anne1]

Have upset Alan, was chewed about Jeff and not slept well so was a bit mean to him. Not heard from him since, never mind, easy come easy go.

 

Was telling the barrister i share an office with about the guy last week who asked me if i was gonna have a drink and go on to the harbour with him. I told him he had more chance of p on the moon, he said he had a rocket outside so i told him he had more chance of taking the pope with him and shagging him on the moon.

 

The barrister, looked at me with a big smile says he liked it that the guy said he had a rocket outside and should have been given points for that. I agreed

 

He then asked why i just didnt tell him to **** off

 

Oh I said, i could not possibly do that,

 

he says why not

 

I say .............telling someone to **** off round here is considered foreplay and i wouldnt want to lead anyone on LOL