did he love me

[anne1]

I have recently broken up with my fella. I dont know why. No one can shake me out of it, I am lost.

 

This is the story:- I was divorced in 2002, not a happy time but i picked myself up went to uni got a degree and a career as well as raising a baby with no help. I am a strong independent confident woman in every area of my life but have avoided relationships and dating. In february i met a nice man, shy conservative and respectable. unexpectedly we had chemistry. he is 10 years older than me and divorced from he says the love of his life. He says it was another man and he was in hell for ages. Only had one other relationship and that was it.

 

We start dating and get on great, physical chemistry certainly there, he is not so interested in sex and more interested in going out and just a little sex and cuddling. We get to know each other more and sex turns into an impossible thing to resist, we cannot keep our hands off each other.

 

I finish with him cos he shouted at me to pull myself together when i was crying on the anniversary of my dads death. He didnt ask why i was crying and had just woken. he didnt want to finish, pursued me, i was soft and went out with him and away with him and he turned me around. I went for coffee with another man during the breakup. As soon as i got there i knew i loved J. i told him he didnt blame me but said its best we finish.

 

So now i love him want him, need him and he walks away. ~Wants to be friends. For two months he wants to be alone but texts and calls and we sleep together everytime we see each other. He still taking me to nice places and walking hand in hand on the beach etc.

 

He looks me in the eye and says he does not love me. wants to be alone, not me its him. next day he is texting, we keep doing this for months. every sunday i am crying rejected again. I eventualy cannot take anymore, i go see his ex wife to find out what is going on. She says he is a mind gamer and will want to control me, she said thats why she left there was never another man. I know if he whistles i will come so i had to stop it thats why i went to the ex. I also told my cuz to let him know i told him about it. He did not speak to me for weeks. I saw him 2 weeks ago and we hugged and made peace. He stopped going out and seeing his freinds ( he does this often so his friends say) i called him, he said he is ok. i went to his house to clear the air so that he will stop hiding. He did not want to invite me in and just wanted me to go. After about 10 mins i persuaded him to give me 5 mins. He invited me in and we discussed what happened and he was rigid and a bit angry, said its over nothing to talk about. doesnt love me never did wants no more to do with me. Denys he loves me and is scared. I leave but ask for a hug first ( the man who had to be persuaded to let me in would have refused) he was no calmer and we were no further forward but he hugged me, and hugged me and hugged me. i went to the door and we hugged again, he was holding me so tight, we were kissing and stoking each others backs. We may have ended up in bed but he said stop and i left but he hugged me again at the open door like he didnt want me to go. He said he wanted me to go but his actions said something else. I have said to him that i think he loves me and is scared and he nods but then says he doesnt love me and wont go back there to being hurt like the divorce.

 

Am i mad, he says one thing and i know he loves me, i feel it he cant let go of me when i am in his arms but i accept it is over and wont go back. Does anyone have a clue what is going on, i cant eat sleep or think of anything but him but i have walked away now cos i think that even if he loves me he is too scared and will allow it to go to waste rather than risk it. Can your ex hold you like that without feeling?

[ecm]

Hi Anne. I am going through the same situation and asked the same questions to myself. My ex runs away whenever we get close. He'll find a reason to start a fight so he has a reason to run. I think (I hope) that people use the

"I don't love you" as a guard. I asked the same question on here & Westrock had a great response to my question. It's the only thread I've started, so click on my name, then the thread so you can see the response.

 

It sucks when you know the person wouldn't act like they did if they DIDN't love you. It sucks even more when they don't have the courage to admit it. BUT if my(your) guy DOES love me(you), but is never willing to admit it...it doesn't really matter what the feel.

 

Read some other threads on here. Very good advice.

[Trialbyfire]

anne, not everyone can love in a healthy way. From what you've written, your ex has issues, layered on issues. In pushing you away, time and again, then reeling you back in, he's eroded on your self-esteem. This isn't a healthy relationship, where both of you should feel good, happy, strong and loving, within the relationship. Sure, every relationship has its ups and downs but not like this, the drama-coaster ride.

 

Forget that he might love you. Walk away before it gets worse. Don't look back just keep walking. ((hugs))

[anne1]

I think you are right. I am so confused because when we are together we never had a crossed word, we liked the same things and couldn't keep our hands off each other. I know it is killing my self respect but i keep telling myself that I am better than this.

 

I have 3 quarters of my brain telling myself that i am a sucessful, nice looking, good figure for my age, intelegent independent woman who is well thought of by everyone. I have a quarter of my brain which takes over and says you are a little girl and you need that man cos he makes the world slip away when he holds you.

 

Our relationship was great until he started rejecting me and then pulling me back in. My sensible brain says even if he does love me he doesnt want me. i am sure he loves me, after the other day and the way he held me i am sure but then i wonder if thats cos thats what i want to think. Would a man be so strong and determined but just melt once you were in his arms if he didnt love you?

 

I have decided that even if he loves me he doesnt want me. It doesnt matter how much pain i am in he is not coming to my rescue. His head and his heart are seperated and his head is stronger.

 

I have never felt like this before and i am 43. I have been divorced and have a child. I used to advise people like me everyday, i know what I should be doing but my heart keeps making me do stupid things like contacting him.

 

Everyone says i should move on, get another guy. I have men asking me out all the time. My cuz says i have to stop comparing them to him and go out with one of them. I told her the truth, none of them compare to him at all and i wont drop my standards just to be held and i wont use someone just to make me feel better.

 

I am flogging a dead horse. I know what to do i just cant get him out of my head, i have lost a stone in weight and cant sleep, i just want to be in his arms. It has nothing to do with anything outward it just pure feeling. He is not particularly nice looking, His body is firm and ok nothing special, he has a job he has had for 30 years but if i were working fulll time i would be earning more than him, He is intelegent and stimulates me but can be boring but i think i can too. I am ten years younger than him. I moved her 300 miles away from home, a year ago. I have loads of family here and they all love me to bits. I am just nice and a doormat when it comes to it.

 

 

I know that unless it is sorted out it cannot be a healthy relationship and i am best away now. Well the smart part of my brain does.

 

I bet after reading all that you woud never guess my job. I am an emotional wreck and just want to be in his arms. I just want to know if a man can hold you like that without loving you. I cried when i read your replys this morning, i know you are right:lmao:

[deux ex machina]

Your main question is mere inches away from the real point.

 

It isn't if he does love you, it's whether he is capable of it.

 

He doesn't appear to love himself.

 

He's definitely playing games with you. He's aware of exactly what he's doing.

 

So, why is he doing it? You guessed control. I must agree that's likely a part of it.

 

Next - why the need for control?

He doesn't love himself.

 

He is unable to give you what you need.

[ecm]

I swear every time I read one of these, I think "is this person really going through the exact same things as me?" I know that sounds self-centered, but I guess I never get too deep into specifics when talking about things with too many people.So, I'd never heard people's situations that were SOO similar. Anyway, I think it makes it easier to deal with each time I read one of these. Anne- I hope its the same for you

 

So, I'm not the ONLY one dealing with an emotional child? (I'm 35- he's 31) I'm not the ONLY successful, independent (pretty fabulous) woman whose strength suddenly disappears when this man is involved? I'm not the ONLY one able to share advice, who finds it difficult to TAKE her own advice? I have a great life, unbelievable family and wonderful friends too. So, what's wrong with us, right? How is this person who everyone says is unworthy of our fabulousness able to CONTROL every minute of our days?

 

I think we should take bits of advice from MOST of the post we read on here. (I have read some strange ones, so I won't say to use ALL of them).

 

Trialbyfire says: "anne, not everyone can love in a healthy way. From what you've written, your ex has issues, layered on issues. In pushing you away, time and again, then reeling you back in, he's eroded on your self-esteem."...."Forget that he might love you. Walk away before it gets worse. Don't look back just keep walking." ((hugs))

 

100% right. We can't make a man (or woman) fix his issues. He must want to fix his issues himself. If we let them continue the push-pull games, they'll never realize that it's NOT ok. My hope in "walking away" is that he'll realize he does not want me to be "the one that got away". If it doesn't happen, I will be sad. But if it doesn't happen, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than let someone "play" with me like that. It's partly our fault for allowing/ creating the pattern of behavior. So, our only hope in them fixing their issues IS walking away. (And yes, it hurts)

 

Deux ex machina says"It isn't if he does love you, it's whether he is capable of it"...."He is unable to give you what you need."

 

Also 100% right. Right now, he can't. Right now, we need to let them realize what they might lose. And right now, we need to realize that we don't WANT someone who doesn't want us, EVEN if they DO love us.

 

We can't make them be ready. They need to realize they are ready on their own, or it will never work. So, we move on the best we can. It hurts, and it sucks and we're heart broken. And...if they don't come back or they come back and it's too late...who do you think loses? Us? The fabulous people who were willing to share all the love we care capable of giving??? or the people who let us go? We are the "catches", not them. xo

[anne1]

I know you are all spot on.

 

He is so incapable its untrue.

 

Having finaly been able to eat and sleep i am seeing things a little clearer and I dont think anyone could be more surprised that he melted when i was in his arms than he is. He will be disgusted with himself for being so weak and showing it to the one person he didnt want to know.

 

You are right, I am a catch and i am often told this. I dont know why i want to hang around at my age and wait for a man to find his heart. I dont need a man, I can get on without one ( Just hate to admit that he made me feel complete)

 

Have decided that if he is so scared that he is able to deprive himself and hurt himself then he will think nothing of hurting me or even worse wont even notice he is doing it. I am not thinking in terms of whether he loves me now but in terms of he loves me but he doesnt want me. Nothing i can do can change that but what a complete waste. Hate that he fitted me so perfectly, spoons was exact, felt competely natural and relaxed round him and he me. Walking round naked not a problem even at our ages but naked feelings was too much for him.

 

I am gonna pick myself up and focus on the good stuff and when i feel like i am thinking of him too much again i hope you wont mind if i ask you to remind me and make me see reason.

 

One good thing, have dropped 2 dress sizes since we split, now just need to get the bags from under my eyes and convince myself i dont need him to be complete LOL Thanks again

[ecm]

I am not thinking in terms of whether he loves me now but in terms of he loves me but he doesnt want me. Nothing i can do can change that but what a complete waste.

 

I'm trying to look at my own situation a teeeeeny bit differently... "Im not thinking of it in terms of whether he loves me, but in terms of if CAN/ WILL EVER love the way I deserve to be loved. The only way it can change is if he realizes it on his own and comes back. THEN, we'll see if I've moved on or not :)"

[anne1]

ECM you are so right, I fool myself that i am moving on. Its a waiting game, but tell me, what if he contact me says lets try again but no committment? surely i would be setting myself up for a fall, surely I would risk putting myself through this all again just to feed his ego? If he does realise he loves me surely he'll be ready to commit in any way even just saying he loves me.

 

I have gone a bit numb, dont want to hurt anymore.

 

If your man comes back and says he wants you but see how it goes, are you sure you are in any different a situation than where you started or is it that he really wants you and cant keep away, surely he has to come offering something even if it is mere words ................why cant love be straight, i am asking myself what i woud do in various senarios and i cant see how the hurt can be undone but i dont want any other man. I dont want to get married it would be too soon and I have a child. But how else could he prove he was serious?

 

ECM I am so confused. I am usualy full of the answers, I cant figure this out. I am a family solicitor ( hence not wanting to marry too soon, marriage often means 'half' ) this one has me stumped but i know that if it meant having him I wouldnt say no but sensible me says wake up and move on.

 

I will follow your story with interest so please update

[ecm]

Well, I just typed an entire post that didn't work. UGH! This happened to me earlier, too. I go to "submit reply" and it tells me I need to log in again. I'm just seeing if this will work now as a test

[ecm]

Take 2:

 

My client (his brother) gave him my card. He called a few days later & we talked for 3 1/2 hours. The next day we met out for drinks and were inseparable from that day forward…

 

until we started to get close...(usually about every 3 months or so)

 

Then, the noncommittal bs began: “I don’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend. I never want to get married, etc”. To which I replied something like: “that’s cool. I don’t need a commitment. I’m good as long as we continue to get along/ have fun/ have crazy, uh..."relations" etc. ”

 

(back story/ reasons for “issues”: 1) his mom left the family for a while when he was a teenager and 2) he had his heartbroken so “he doesn’t trust anyone”- blah blah blah.)

 

Everything was good, until the 1st time he felt we were getting close. Then, he ran. He went missing. No explanantion, no returned phone calls, no texts back, NOTHING. So, I left him alone (SOOO HARD). I was heartbroken, dying. Like many people on here, everyone would comment how we were so crazy in love. So, why would he run?!

 

A month later…he called. He said “I want to be with you.” I said “ok” way too easily. Then, once again, we got close. Once again, he ran. Same story. After about 2 years of this ANNOYING story, I’d had enough. He would break up with me, get confused, come back around 2 days later, then go missing again. Finally, I flipped. (I’ll save the embarrassing details for another time) We didn’t talk for 2 years.

 

About 1 year ago, I texted him to say happy birthday. We talked casually (no commitment-once again I was ok with that) for about a year. He shows many signs of “growing up” this time, but still some signs he hadn’t. (He’s 31, I’m 35, by the way)

 

About a month ago, his reason for “running” was an oops in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t too worried, but I knew he was, so I did 8 tests…yes EIGHT! (I even bought ovulation predictors which showed that the day of the “uh- oh” wasn’t a very likely day to get pregnant). I kept him informed of EVERYTHING. Then, for about a week he was “missing” again. What is ridiculous is why he feels the need to run when things are perfect when there was NO PRESSURE from me to commit. (and he is pretty self centered, so I know he doesn’t run from “having his cake” for MY FEELINGS!)

 

Anyway, a potential pregnancy is scary, let alone for a commitment phobe. After a week of hiding, he decided we needed to end it. I said ok (even though I LOVE HIM with all of my heart and obviously want him in my life).You should have seen his face when I said ok. He wasn’t expecting it. Then, he kept saying things like “This is the right thing, right?” “Are we in agreement here?” Being honest I said, “no, I think you’re making a huge mistake. But I’m not begging anyone to stay with me. So, go. I'm going to miss you.” Then…things were cool. He left. I was sad. Days go by: Still no period. 5 days late now. One day, he called & I didn’t feel like talking to HIM. So, I didn’t answer MY phone or respond to HIS texts (like he had done to me for weeks at a time) Not even TWELVE hours had gone by and he was flipping out b/c I hadn't responded. He said some nasty things. I said some nasty things. He said: “I’m not in love with you. You are in love, I am not. You want a commitment, I don’t. (after I TOLD HIM I was ok just hanging out) He hurt my feelings & I told him he went too far this time. That night, I got my period & texted him IMMEDIATELY- no games. He texted me “this is good. Look, I am ashamed of my reactions and apologize for being an a*shole” I texted him “thank you. Me too”. That was about a week ago. I haven’t heard from him since. Now, we’ll see what happens...

 

So, Anne, what’s the point in this? If I would’ve shown him from the beginning that he cannot treat me like this, our story might be different. There’s no guarantee that we’d be together, but I would have saved myself a lot of headache and heartache. I helped create a pattern in which he was allowed to do whatever he wanted and come & go as he pleased. (excuse me, I need to backhand myself as I realize again what a dip-sh*t I am). I'm not a weak person. People do not usually try to take advantage of me. So how did I let him walk all over me? I can’t even be mad at him because I LET HIM do these things!

 

Don’t let him play you. If you love him and he loves you, it will happen. You can’t “help” him realize anything. You can’t “control” when he comes around or “make” him realize that he loves you. He has to do it/ learn it for himself.

 

the best way for me to put in in perspective is this: Do you like the HORRIBLE way you’ve been feeling since the breakup? Do you want to feel tis emptiness about every 3 or 4 months? No and No? Then, trust me when I tell you, leave him alone. If you don’t, it will go on…and on…and on.

 

I think he’ll be back. Sit tight. When he comes back, don’t make it too easy for him b/c then he’ll never learn. Don’t be like me and take 5 years to finally learn that you can't control everything. Sometimes, you have to let things happen & realize it’s ok to NOT have an answer today.

 

I hope this helps.

[anne1]

I feel ashamed that i am whinging about me now i have read that.

 

I so wish i was like you. You know everyone told me to ignore him, not to contact him and if he contacted me to ignore him. Of course i contacted him, and when he contacted me i went running everytime. I have no self control at all.

 

I have spent a couple of days in peace, found myself singing the other day, have eaten and slept. Had a long day yesterday and was looking forward to bed as had a full day work today and a long drive. Thought i was getting better. Hate that i couldnt sleep last night again. Thinking of him, trying to boot him out of my mind. Couldn't do it.

 

I have missed some detail. My fella is 53 he was married 20 years, never wanted kids and probably one reason the ex has such strong things to say. Anyway, i had that contraceptive injection which made me depressed and tearful. After the 3 months were up we decided it would be ok until i had a proper period. Had some bleeding June mid july my nipples were on fire, felt like breastfeeding. took home test, one was positive, checked again a couple of days later and negative. Had one at dr and negative. Dr said i had probably had early miscarriage. Anyway never mentioned it to him but after his usual sunday rejection one week particularly bad cos he promised to leave me alone unless he wanted to be with me and then rejected again I was loopy. Hormones and rejection told him that he was a no heart C*N* and i had just lost him baby.

 

 

He freaked, asked me to go back to dr which i did, asked me to get contraception sorted and another test which he looked at every 5 mins. He became impotent for a week and would not even have me in his bedroom unless he was wearing a condom. ( He had heard that they can crawl up without penetration and was so freaked he was unreal) Said it would have ruined all of his plans, never wanted kids. I was looking after him and he couldnt even see how i was hurting. My fault he freaked, i always said i didnt want anymore kids and if it happened i would sort it. Then after this he asked what i would have done if it was still there and i said as it was conceived in love i would have kept it and if he was not commited that i would have moved back to london so as not to bother him with it. ( would never allow a child to feel unwanted or an accident or tie hiim to me for the wrong reason)

 

So yes even after that i went back for him to wiipe his feet on me and then went to see him last week. I am just a doormat for him.

 

I tried to talk to my cousin about it last week he said jeff was using me. I said that after the way he held me that i am sure he loves me. He says that i am mad and if he loved me he would be with me. He is adamant.

 

I cant go through this again, I couldnt do it every 3 months, if he comes back it has to be a commitment i just cant do this again never been so close to loosing the plot, normaly pick myself up but just cant this time and cant let it happen again it will kill me. You are much stronger than me, I stupidly thought i would show him i would always be there and kept letting him hurt me, you are showing him that you are always there too cos you keep takiing him back without commitment. What you say and what you are doing are two different things, next time tell him, you want a ring or he can get lost. He has had you hanging on too long it will keep going on the same way unless you break the cycle. Write your story for yourself, read it once a week and add any bits you forgot. Mine takes some reading.

[ecm]

Anne- I hope you didn't think I was trying to say my story was worse than yours!!! That wasn't my point at all I was just trying to give you an example of how ugly it can get if you make bad decisions over and over again.

 

"I so wish i was like you. You know everyone told me to ignore him, not to contact him and if he contacted me to ignore him. Of course i contacted him, and when he contacted me i went running everytime. I have no self control at all."

 

That's hilarious...you saying you wish you were like me?! Are you kidding? It has taken my 5 years to realize that I need to change what I 've been doing. I WISH that I could stop loving him. BELIEVE ME, if it were that easy, I would. I know I've made a fool of myself, showing ZERO self control and ZERO pride for way too long. It's almost embarrassing. I'm excited that I've finally come to this point. but I'm not ruling out the idea that if put in the right situation, I wouldn't act like a fool again. For instance, I think sometimes that he needs to be with somene else to realize what we have....(on breaks, I've taken the opportunity to date- he hasn't-and I know this from mulitple sources). So, I say that I think maybe he should in my head..but if I saw him out or heard of him dating, I'd probably lose it all over again.

 

Pregnancy scares= not fun. And REALLY not fun when suddenly blame is thrown around and accusations are made. (Mine had the audacity to tell me I planned it! PLANNED what? My period being late? I wasen't even PREGNANT!! I can't tell him when to "remove himself" before it's too late. He is is 6 foot 5 and I am 5 feet tall...if he needed me to "move", it wouldn't have been too difficult. So, I planned it? What a jerk. LOL)

 

"I tried to talk to my cousin about it last week he said jeff was using me. I said that after the way he held me that i am sure he loves me. He says that i am mad and if he loved me he would be with me. He is adamant."

 

I've heard it all, too. Sometimes I wonder if it's true. Maybe it is, maybe it's not, maybe it's partially true. This is tough. People on the outside don't see how they act when we're alone with us, you know? On the one hand, I know I couldn't fake feelings and act like he does. BUT, I'm a pretty honest person who has ZERO poker face. They would never buy it. But, I would never spend time with someone the way we do if I didn't have feelings like that. If they CAN act the way they do and NOT have feelings, they are worse guys than we even know! I think you can tell if someone loves you or not. Back to the original idea/ point: ARE THEY ABLE TO SHOW IT?!

 

I know I've been stupid for continuing to take him back with no committment. I always told him that I'd rather be happy having him in my life with no commitment than being ina commitment with somoene who didn't make me as happy as he does. I was willing to deal with the non-committal aspect. So, why did he run anyway? What guy runs when he can have his cake and eat it too with no pressure? A commitment-phobe. HE created the pressure on himself! Anyway, that was the past. I let him take advantage for way too long. I love him and I know that it will be very tough to find someone who makes me happy like he does. So, I'm sitting tight...hanging out, making new man friends, dating here and there. If they don't interest me, I'm out. If he comes back around before someone who DOES interest me, which OBVIOUSLY I'M HOPING FOR, then I'll see. If he doesn't, I won't be the one with any regrets. I know I gave it 100%. He has told MANY people that I've treated him better than anyone in his life, so I know that I will be much harder to replace than he will

 

Be strong. What will make you feel worse: being "hot and bothered" because you excercised self control? or the feeling you get when he leaves and you don't know when you'll hear from him again?

 

BTW- what did you mean by the "Sunday rejection"

[anne1]

I meant that for a few weeks he would text and call and we would go out and then invariably on a sunday i would be crying having been told again ' I want to be alone' or glad we are friends etc - that is the Sunday rejection by mid week he would be texting again and we would go out have a great time, not a crossed word, enjoy each others conversation, time bodies and just holding hands then it was again ' i told you i want to be alone' so i push him and say leave me alone unless you want me. He couldnt do it and he whistles again and i go and then i feel stupid and rejected cos i ran when he whistled that is the sunday rejection for me.

 

Your post makes me feel a lot better about me, thanks and i mean that.

 

I have been beating myself up for being a doormat and running everytime he clicked his fingers. I wish i had done what you had done cos thats what you are supposed to do and i am just weak when it comes to him. Maybe the answer is that no matter what we do its wrong cos its in their heads and nothing to do with us. At least you have kept your self respect and not chased him. I get asked on loads of dates and have tried coffee wiith a couple of fellas, guess what? It makes me worse, i just want to run back to him, no one is like him for me.

 

I hate that i love him but i am working hard and trying not to think about him.

 

You have really helped thanks again. I hope i can get through the weekend without becoming a manic depressive again lol

[ecm]

I'm glad you feel better I swear, I would have been weak a long time ago, if I hadn't been on here for the past week or so. It's really good to be able to vent.

 

For the record, I HAVE chased him...and chased him...and chased him... for (yep, you guessed it) for FIVE YEARS! That is definitely not "strong"

 

The "Sunday" thing.... I figured. That's why I asked. Mine is the same, pretty much.

 

Yep, dating is not good right now. Nobody COULD possibly compare, so we might be wasting a good opportunity b/c someone who we really might like won't "add up" to these sh*t-heads who have messed us up. So, better to wait til we will look at other men realistically. It definitely makes it worse. I had a man-friend take a road trip to visit me last weekend. We kissed, but I was just unenthused. (Ha- I wonder if he knew he was driving 4 1/2 hours and only getting a smooch-lol) Anyway, it just made me sad that my guy wasn't there.

 

So, do your thing. I'm not sue if he's still calling you , but DO NOT HOOK UP WITH HIM THIS WEEKEND. Can you imagine what he'd do if you said no?! It's fun to see their reaction, ya know. He might realize "uh-oh. She won't always be waiting around for me. Maybe I should pull my head out of my a*s. ". He might not. But either way, saying no will make you feel better. Having control of SOMETHING will make you feel better. If you don't like the way you feel on Sundays, don't put yourself in that situation, ya know?

[anne1]

oh no he wont call this weekend. He hasn't for over a month now, in fact since i went to see the ex wife. We have text but again not for a couple of weeks. I called him last week and went round, next day felt like a stalker but felt better cos of the way he hugged me.

 

I dont know what it is, i didnt date for 7 years after my divorce and he was the first. I cant tell you how right we fit or i will not sleep thinking what a horrible shame it is that he is buried in the sand. I think that i sank so low last week that i didnt care if i woke up ever again. Thats when i started picking myself up. I cant think about him cos its just pain, i have no control. I really must force myself to walk away from him. I will not contact him.

 

I go out with my cousin on friday night, i used to sleep at Jeff's. I get home friday and just hate that i am not with him. He is in his lonely bed and i am in mine and there is no sane reason for it at all.

 

I was just convincing myself he didnt care when the hug happened last week am so confused.

 

Your post really made me laugh, you are so right and I am sure matey just getting a snog after all that driving made you laugh too.

 

Why is it that all of the men that want me are just not my type. I think i know the answer, apart from wanting him and him alone. I like every other woman in the world attract the same type of men over and over again. I am likely to log in when i get in tomorrow night cos i will no doubt be feeling desperate and wanting to contact him. I refuse to contact him but i am feeling strong now.

 

I had thought about taking a male friend, just as a friend like my gay friend in london. Had to find one who didnt want to get in my knickers but was related to them all. Then thought friends with someone who is clear they have no chance. Made friends with one of Jeff's mates who i actualy knew before jeff ( cos had turned him down) He has the same birthday as me and we get on well. The only thing is he has the worst bad breath ever and i am not sure if i havent ( not intentionaly) but subconciously used him cos he tells me stuff about Jeff. I dont like to think i am that mean. Maybe i should get someone nice to just cuddle up to so i can forget him, I dont know i just want him but i really could do with a hug.

[ecm]

gag. Bad breath = deal breaker. I have a rather dramatic smell sensitivity problem, so I don't care how good someone looks. Bad breath...not like garlic bad breath, but like they have never heard of dental floss bad breath???? no way. Ewww. LOL

 

Taking on a man friend is fun I do theatre so I have a lot of "gays" in my life. They are fun; we just obviously don't want to make out with each other. haha.

 

I actually have a friend that I met after ONE of our breakups. He is hot, has a great job, has some skills and we get along and make each other laugh every time we talk/ hang out. But, even though he is a much better catch than my ex, it's just not the same. Still, we hang out here and there. Currently we don't hang out "physically", b/c he has a girlfriend. Funny, he is always trying, but I won't. Anyway, with him, we'd hang out, hook up, and he'd ask if I wanted to stay, and I'd always say "nope". No desire. Still, it's definitely nice to have an option that's fun for now. Do you have any exes that you could spend time with with no strings? I think no strings is good for SOMETHING at least, right now.

 

So, the hug day was the last you've spoken?

 

I started another thread about commitment phobes. You should look at it. There is some good advice on there, too. I think I'm becoming addicted to this. (I think it's pulling some of my focus & energy away from my ex- woo hoo)

[ecm]

Anne- Sorry my last post was quick b/c I was leaving work.

 

I meant to ask you more. Did you guys talk when you called him? ( I guess I don't know what you mean by "went round."

 

Not calling or doing anything or "NC" is the hardest thing! Is hard, so I'm proud of myself and feel good about it when I don't call. But when I have given in in the past, it's like cheating on a diet or someone doing drugs who relapses or something. All you do it take a step back. For what? For them to know they "have you"? What reason would he have to change if he knows he has you? Giving in to calling is like giving them a part of you that they don't deserve! My ex would ignore it sometimes anyway...AFTER he went MIA with ZERO explanation. So we 1) feel like a jerk for calling 2) look like a jerk for having no pride after the crap he put us through 3) feel MORE like a jerk when they don't even have the b*lls to respond (which I guess is probably the right thing in some cases, but NOT when someone goes "MIA"- rude- if you wanna break up be a man, you know?)

 

I like jerks. HORRIBLE, I know. I don't like "nice guys". Don't get me wrong, mine is AMAZINGLY sweet and everything when he is not on the run. He just has enough of an attitude in him to keep me interested. So, I know what you mean about attracting the wrong guys. well, right now, I seem to attract the "nice" ones. The fact that they make me want to choke them is probably a huge problem. I guess I am attracted to commitment phobes. Right now though, anyone could hit on me and I'd be indifferent/ ( You too, prob. right? ) So until someone interests me, like my ex does, I'm not looking for much of anything.

 

So, what else is up?

[anne1]

I went out last night, was told Jeff had been out on tuesday so thought i might bump into him. He didn't go out. I had a few offers but no interest.

 

There has been this guy who i have excahnged smiles across the room with for the last few months. He is someone i could imagine huging and kissing too good looking for me. Spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he was nice.

 

Saw him at the gym the other day as i was leaving and just gave him a goodbye. He was out last night and gave my cousin his number for me and spent the rest of the evening talking to me.

 

Problem, fit goodlooking nice guy. 1 he is not jeff, my heart is not racing, 2 he is just out of a 25 year marriage, divorce became final last week.

He is hurt and needs comfort and doesnt want to seek it though sex with the various women offering.

 

His sister in law ( on her side) told me the same story as him but said he has lost his confidence with women. She said she thought he was picking up but warned me that he has said that the only woman he has met he is intested in is a solicitor he has met eyes with across the room and chatted to a couple of weeks ago. She was happy when i told her that was me.

 

He just wants someone to help him heal, so do i but i just havent got the same feelings as i have for jeff. I told him i still love jeff and he understands that and is grateful that i dont want his heart cos its still hurting. Dont know what to do

 

thinking of jeff and that he might come back is killing me. I cant do it anymore

 

No contact from Jeff since the hug

[anne1]

Hi, I have been strong all week, just hit the deck again. Dont know what i was thinking about with the other fella. I just want Jeff, No arms feel like his, Am chewed to bits again feeling worthless. No one understands, I am not allowed to mention his name I just cant cope

 

Still no contact

[ecm]

H Anne. I'm struggling today, too. It's a rainy Saturday, it would be so much better with him here...right? Then, on Sunday he'd leave & Say I'll call you. And he would call...when he felt like it. So, we are sad, without those awesome arms we want to attack to hold us tonight. But tomorrow, when we don't have to go back into wondering, we will be much happier since they DIDN'T come around this weekend. And even if hey wanted to come around, we wouldn't have LET them b/c we know they have some work to do on themselves.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you not liking that guy. You can't like everyone. But that doesn't mean we won't ever find that feeling again. Maybe it'll be with our "changed" men. Maybe it will be with someone who makes us look back at all these sad posts and think "WTF?!"

 

GUess we'll have to see. Patience is a virtue, right?

 

BW, I've been meaning to ask, what is a "solicitor"? You said you do that, but I don't understand what that is. Talk to you soon. Chin up, lady!

[wondering_girl]

hi girls, i am and having the worst day ever today....... i woke up at 7 and didn't really do much but just stayed in bed and thought about this crap today..... i feel bad, hurtful, everything else, you can think of.....i was supposed to go out with some friends but i was sooo depressed, i didn't go because sometimes when i went i ended up crying in public and i didn't want that to happen so i decided to stay home........

 

ecm, i definitely understand how you feel how you said we were relieved they didn't show up this wkend, i feel like that too.. but i don't know like on fridays i have a couple of panic attacks, anxiety, and nervous thinking that he'll call this wkend (almost every wkend) then feel hurtful and sad when he doesnt - i want this feelings to stop!!!! who CARES if he calls! (yah right)

 

i guess the sucky part here girls is we told them about an issue and if they come to their senses they'll come back and as for me, he is stubborn like there's no tomorrow and most likely he wont - but i hate it, i'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt after 4 years - i feel your pain girls (HUGS)

[ecm]

Hey wonderinggirl. I see we are on a lot of the similar threads dealing with the same crappy problems. I just read your story. . So, when is the last time you spoke? After that dinner? I see that he hasn't called YOU yet, but have you tried to contact him since? (If not girl....good for you!)

[wondering_girl]

hi ecm and anne how are you girls doing today? i had an anxiety attack again this morning at 6 am and dreamed about him twice...... blahhhhh

 

ecm, nope, i have not tried to contact him at all, our silent dinner was 2 weeks ago, i'm not gonna lie, i'm sad b/c i see zero efforts from him and no positive signals no e-mails, no smoke signals, NOTHING. but i don't know what's wrong with him, and i don't feel like contacting him anyway, he's the kind of guy that if it's not on his terms he won't talk.. as you read from my post, it wasn't the old ME that kept running back this time, i'm SUPER depressed that he hasn't called me and starting to LOSE hope that he'll come around..but i have no desire contacting him at all, i MISS him though. but if i call i don't want him to think that he can walk all over me, bc he'll disrespect me again, i mean he's disrespecting me now by ignoring me...

 

*HUGS* and if he thinks that i'll do the dirty work for him of breaking up - i won't we can just leave it like this in silence. i just hope that one of these days in the future, he won't run into me.

[ecm]

Good afternoon ladies.

 

Wonderinggirl- Before I read your post this morning, I picured you as young & naive (not in a bad way ) I guess I was wrong! So, you're having anxiety and you are STILL being strong. NICE! That is why doing the right thing (NC) is so hard. We feel sad and try to make things better. I swear I get strength when I log on and see that other girls are being so strong! Thanks. Have a good day

 

AAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNEEEEE! Where you at, girl? Everything ok?