New Again Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 OK, be patient with me I was talking to my bf online; asked him if he has plans for the weekend. He told me what he's doing tonight and said that was all he knew for sure. After he went back to work, I got onto my fb account (yeah, yeah, it's FB, I know!), and ya know how there's the "highlights" now on the right side? Very top one was a party my bf RSVPed to, so I checked it out. It's a birthday party, tomorrow night, for a friend of his ex's (the one I have a problem with). I know that he is now friends to an extent with this girl, but not really, since I've never met her. Either there is no guest list (you know, who was invited - the yes, nos, maybes and awaiting responses), unless it's hidden, and the only 3 confirmed guests are my bf, his ex, and the bday girl. I know that maybe he hasn't decided for sure if he's going, even though he said he was. BUT I'm a little that he didn't mention to me that he was thinking of going, since it's his ex's friend, and she will obviously definitely be there. I don't want to say anything to him about it, cuz even though it was right there for me to see, let's face it, it's pretty much the same thing as checking up on him. I also don't really think it's a huge deal - I think maybe I'm just being a douche because it involves his ex. *Sigh* OK I'm done venting.
Quest Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It doesn't sound like a big deal. It sounds as if he just hasn't made up his mind if he's going or not, which suggests it isn't a big deal to him (meaning the ex-gf isn't either). That's probably why he didn't mention it. I don't know the back story but the only way his not mentioning the party would be anything to worry about was if this girl was a known issue between the two of you. If that was the case he might feel awkward about saying he was going to something she was at. Take it you live in different cities or you could go with him to the party ... which would put your mind at rest. The imagination is a terrible thing at times:D
Author New Again Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Yeah, I think that mostly I'm being difficult about this, because yes, she is a known issue between us. I'm temporarily out of town or else we'd have plans or I'd be accompanying him if he really wanted to go. I'm not concerned with them hooking up, I'm just really annoyed that he didn't mention this to me.
Quest Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I'd let it go this time ... if something similar happened again I'd maybe choose the right moment and point out that this kind of behaviour (not mentioning being around the ex-gf when you've directly asked what he's been/is going to do) makes you uneasy. Unless it happened again I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and take it he just didn't mention the party because he forgot, wasn't sure if he was going and/or just didn't think it was important to mention.
Author New Again Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Hehe, some back info might've helped. Our agreement is that he's supposed to tell me beforehand if he's going to be seeing this particular ex. Part of my issue with her is him lying to me about her. And even though that's specific to THIS ex, he transferred this agreement to a different ex, who I don't have a problem with, so I expected him to be even BETTER about it regarding the one I DO have a problem with! Probably I shouldn't get upset about this unless he does in fact go - there's a chance he's still on the fence and won't decide until tomorrow, and maybe he'll tell me if he decides to go. But if he's considering it I guess I feel that I should be informed. Hence my annoyance, because of course now I know that he's at least considering it, but don't want to come across as checking up on him, since I already gave him the opportunity to be upfront with me, before I knew anything. I also don't want to be a psycho and keep asking him "so what're your plans? Anything going on this weekend? Do you know what you're doing tonight?" - even though that would just be giving him an opportunity to tell me the truth. But I also don't want him to NOT tell me about this if he goes, or have him tell me AFTER the fact that he went...cuz I don't WANT to be mad at him, and I don't want to NOT be able to trust him.
Quest Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hhmm. Well, it could still be that he didn't mention it because he wasn't sure if he was going or not. If that was the case he definitely wouldn't mention it until and unless he was sure he was going - otherwise he'd be bringing up 'the issue' when it might not be necessary. Potential hassle for perhaps no good reason ...! I often reply to these Facebook invites saying I'm going when I'm not sure if I actually will in the event so I'm sure he could be doing the same thing. I'm not trying to defend him - just put another point of view forward so you don't torture yourself unnecessarily! If it turns out he goes then I can see why you'd be annoyed. He really ought to be beyond reproach when it comes to mentioning this ex when it's something you've discussed and come to a 'solution' together on. So, if he goes,and doesn't mention it between now and then, I guess you'll need to bring it up with him - if you want to keep the communication between you honest and open.
Author New Again Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 You're right, I'm just freaking out because it's one of those things where you see that there's going to be a problem, and you see ways to avoid having a problem, and try to do so...but it doesn't work out, and then there's a problem But, hopefully he either doesn't go, or he decides to tell me tomorrow if he is going.
Quest Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 You're right, I'm just freaking out because it's one of those things where you see that there's going to be a problem, and you see ways to avoid having a problem, and try to do so...but it doesn't work out, and then there's a problem And I thought I over-complicated things!
Author New Again Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 And I thought I over-complicated things! It's so true. I'm wicked stressed about job hunting, moving, etc.; we're (temporarily I hope) LD right now; I have a fever, a 5-day-and-counting headache, am sick and feel totally junky...I decided that I'm projecting onto something I feel like I have some measure of control over. I'm just letting it go, because it doesn't even matter.
Quest Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 It's so true. I'm wicked stressed about job hunting, moving, etc.; we're (temporarily I hope) LD right now; I have a fever, a 5-day-and-counting headache, am sick and feel totally junky...I decided that I'm projecting onto something I feel like I have some measure of control over. I'm just letting it go, because it doesn't even matter. Good for you, letting it go ... not easy when you're feeling stressed,with lots of big 'life events' going on. It's only natural that you'd be more worked up than normal about bf issues when you've got so much going on! Good luck with it all.
sally4sara Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Ask him to go do something with you for the time slot that this event he isn't mentioning is suppose to be going on. If he takes a pass at doing something with you, but doesn't tell you about the event with the ex, you know he is omitting these other plans on purpose.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Since the two of you have an agreement for previous disclosure, I'd kick back and let him either live up to your agreement or hang himself. After the weekend's over, I'd ask him what he did. If he lies, you then have to decide what you're going to do about it.
Author New Again Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks for the input I'll definitely keep all of it in put for future reference! I decided not to say anything about it...and we had a 2 hour phone conversation, and texted back and forth the rest of the night, cuz he missed me and was sad we couldn't hang out like we always do on Saturday nights. He never mentioned the party, and I guess he decided not to go.
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 New Again, what's your normal mode of communication? Do you normally text or IM?
Author New Again Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 New Again, what's your normal mode of communication? Do you normally text or IM? We always text to a certain extent throughout the day; usually don't talk on the phone except very briefly (up to this point we've been seeing each other almost every day, so now we're talking more on the phone, but still texting). We usually don't go out (to bars/drinking) without each other, but if we do, it's something we have talked about (our plans) in person or on the phone beforehand, and normal for us to text: before going out, maybe once or twice during the night, and when we get home. Him texting me is more like "I miss you and goodnight" and me texting him is more so that he knows I got home OK, because of where I live. Last night we had more of a text conversation - back and forth all night, and he said he was just hanging out at home. That kind of texting is fairly unusual for us. We usually only IM during the day, and that's occasional.
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 We always text to a certain extent throughout the day; usually don't talk on the phone except very briefly (up to this point we've been seeing each other almost every day, so now we're talking more on the phone, but still texting). We usually don't go out (to bars/drinking) without each other, but if we do, it's something we have talked about (our plans) in person or on the phone beforehand, and normal for us to text: before going out, maybe once or twice during the night, and when we get home. Him texting me is more like "I miss you and goodnight" and me texting him is more so that he knows I got home OK, because of where I live. Last night we had more of a text conversation - back and forth all night, and he said he was just hanging out at home. That kind of texting is fairly unusual for us. We usually only IM during the day, and that's occasional.Did he outright say he was at home, while you were texting throughout the night? I don't like his lie by omission. It's one thing to get an invite and turn it down and another to accept the invite and not say anything to your SO, whether you go or not. The two of you had an agreement, whereby he should be abiding by the spirit of the agreement. IMO, you should consider this a yellow flag. If you have access to his ex's pics on Facebook, she or other friends will be posting party pics, since that's what people appear to do on FB.
Author New Again Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Did he outright say he was at home, while you were texting throughout the night? I don't like his lie by omission. It's one thing to get an invite and turn it down and another to accept the invite and not say anything to your SO, whether you go or not. The two of you had an agreement, whereby he should be abiding by the spirit of the agreement. IMO, you should consider this a yellow flag. If you have access to his ex's pics on Facebook, she or other friends will be posting party pics, since that's what people appear to do on FB. He did say he was, a couple times. It would be highly unusual (unheard of) for him to text me as much as he did if he was actually out drinking. I also have a hard time imagining him outright lying to me...but most people probably think that about their SOs, no matter what's going on in the relationship I *wish* I had access to the ex's fb page - I would most certainly be checking it out I thought about calling him last night and now I'm wishing I did! He called me this morning, and didn't sound hungover at all. The party was also in a neighborhood he hates going to, since it's really inconvenient for him. He also went through a phase awhile ago where he accepted every single invitation he got on FB and I know he didn't go to a lot of them, or seriously consider going even. He hasn't accepted invites on FB in awhile though. I don't know. OK, I'm done rambling.
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I also have a hard time imagining him outright lying to me...but most people probably think that about their SOs, no matter what's going on in the relationship Tell me about it... A five year marriage with the world's best liar, wearing coke-bottle rose-coloured beer goggles!
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