tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Sorry Tojaz, didn't mean to refer to you specifically, just meant someone in general, that my ex wasn't unreasonable in his complaint (OMG, Lawyer language is seeping in, I'm doing WAY to much study LOL). But he was!!! What is reasonable about it. It's like complaining if it rains! What control do you have? No sorry necessary, i took no offense.
trippi1432 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hi Lisa, I know that I haven't read everything on here yet about your situation, but from the little bit that I have read, you have made huge strides in your illness even since this man has been out of your life. That is a huge accomplishment and something that you should acknowledge as YOUR accomplishment...why are you giving him the credit? It's hard to make sense of "leaver's", it's impossible to understand and we can spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of it especially when there is no closure. It's natural to try and put that person on a pedastol and take the blame because you only have your point of view to deal with. The truth is, he doesn't deserve that pedastol. Granted, he may have encouraged you to get where you have gotten today with your illness and bettering yourself, but you played just as big a part of that...that makes you a strong person. Keep being that strong person and take the good lessons you've learned to make them a part of that strength. It's good to recognize those things that you have, it's part of healing, but it's too one-sided...I can't believe that a man is that perfect. As for the mock exam, like someone else stated...learn what your weaknesses were from that test and you will do great on the real exam. Hang in there, college is tough enough without having to go through what you are going through now. I had my own issues last week when I didn't have the mental capacity to finish an assignment. Luckily a fellow student encouraged me to get through it. Just take it one day at a time, the goal is worth it, it's their loss....not yours.
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks Trippi, I've been think a lot today about how I have been feeling this week. Talk about a backslide, I guess I'm just so tired and stressed. It's like when you are stresses and you have nightmares, you always dream of the last significant stress even if it's unrelated, like the last exam you took, doe that make sense? The people on my course are fantastic, for people in their early 20's they are amazingly mature and have been so helpful to me this week. The empathy and supportiveness has astonished me, one women (22) came up and hugged me, I didn't even say anything, she could just tell from knowing me 3 weeks (had pre-course thing), that I was really down and struggling. They have more emotional maturity at 21/22 than my ex did at 34! Thinking about the ex, he never expressed and unhappiness until after he left, all that I said earlier, it's not right, like Tojaz said I had no control over being ill, he should have loved me for who I was not who he wanted me to be. In any case it's BS, I was getting better when he left, I had just suggested booking a vacation! and he also said it was not b/c of the family issue. Hhhmmmmmmmmmmm
Author LisaUk Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Came across an interesting point! My ex is not "normal" in what he did to me. I was going over lecture notes when I came across the rights to a divorce in the UK. If we had been married he would not have had the grounds to divorce me. To get a divorce there has to have been either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Unresaonable beahviour covers things such as spending too much time away from your partner and relationship eg going out socially a lot without your partner. The only other ways are 2 years agreed seperation or 5 years if I contested. So, the reason he gave, of wanting to go out more, actaully goes against the law which is based on the societal norm! I, on the other hand, would have had grounds for divorce, in that he was not at home much! So actually I was not being the unreasonable one in my requests to spend more time with him. Just found it really interesting, bet some of you out there have had this s**t thrown at you at well and I wanted to let you know that your exes are not the norm!
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Came across an interesting point! My ex is not "normal" in what he did to me. I was going over lecture notes when I came across the rights to a divorce in the UK. If we had been married he would not have had the grounds to divorce me. To get a divorce there has to have been either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Unresaonable beahviour covers things such as spending too much time away from your partner and relationship eg going out socially a lot without your partner. The only other ways are 2 years agreed seperation or 5 years if I contested. So, the reason he gave, of wanting to go out more, actaully goes against the law which is based on the societal norm! I, on the other hand, would have had grounds for divorce, in that he was not at home much! So actually I was not being the unreasonable one in my requests to spend more time with him. Just found it really interesting, bet some of you out there have had this s**t thrown at you at well and I wanted to let you know that your exes are not the norm! O.K. childish as hell but................TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!:p:p:p glad your feeling better sweetie! TOJAZ
ryepatch Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 hey lisa, none of them are normal! yeah, my wife would have no reason for divorce in england. wish i was there. i really think that no one should leave anyone without a clear ultimatum. end of story. you should know why you want to leave, express it clearly, and give your love a chance to address it. that's what mature, mentally healthy adults do. your ex didn't. no matter what he might be able to blame you for, he's the one that screwed it up by leaving. take care of yourself. the semester'll get easier as it goes on.
giotto Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 hey lisa, none of them are normal! yeah, my wife would have no reason for divorce in england. wish i was there. i really think that no one should leave anyone without a clear ultimatum. end of story. you should know why you want to leave, express it clearly, and give your love a chance to address it. that's what mature, mentally healthy adults do. your ex didn't. no matter what he might be able to blame you for, he's the one that screwed it up by leaving. take care of yourself. the semester'll get easier as it goes on. well, he had every right to leave... relationships are not prisons... he screwed up because he refused to try and fix it and he didn't give a reason for leaving, preventing closure...
Author LisaUk Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 well, he had every right to leave... relationships are not prisons... he screwed up because he refused to try and fix it and he didn't give a reason for leaving, preventing closure... I think that's what Ryepatch meant Giotto, that before leaving a person should have enough respect for the marriage/commitment and what has been shared for such a long time to first try and resolve any issues. My ex didn't do this, my ex didn't even tell me until AFTER he left why he had left and even then the reasons he gave very conflictitory to the extent that one reason cannot logically exsist with the other. Having done a lot of reading about CP though this makes sense. Someone who has a fear of commitment will not want to try and resolve any issues (real or imagined justifications) because in doing so they remove the excuse to leave/flee. That is why they always give the one reason based on the characteristic you either can't change or have had from the very beginning of the relationship. In my case he cited that I am opioniated. He has known I am opinionated since he was 15 years old, it's not new information and in any case I do not disrespect others rights to an opinion, it was his excuse/justification for his own deep seated issues of commitment. Yesterday, I was very down and had allowed myself to be dragged back to a dark place where I shouldered the rubblish he came out with, (including the children issue which he later stated was an excuse to leave, that he would not have wanted me even if I had wanted children), the reasons that cannot exist concurently.
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