LisaUk Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi all Sorry I haven't been around this week, I started uni properly on Monday. Not had a good week. I failed my mock exam today by 2% if I don't pass the real one Friday I'm out! I feel like I've been hit by a bus, sooooooooooooo tired, I knew law would be tough but THIS tough on DAY 5????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think I'm cut out for this, I'm no quiter but OMG I feel like death warmed up and now I get to spend all week revising like mad. Of course all this has brought up all the old issues of my ex. Last night I had very vivid nightmares about him leaving and awoke crying this morning and I just feel so tearful all the time. I hate him for this, I hate him for s*****g all over my life that I was so happy and contented with and now I have to try and find a way through this law degree and deal with all this emotional c**p that I just wish would go away. Hope everyone else is doing well, I'm sorry I haven't had/have no time to catch up on everyones threads. Right back to the study.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Lisa Sorry to hear of your problem. I just woke up so maybe this won't make much sense. Turn the negative to a positive. The mock exam can be used to show where your deficientys (sp) lie. Where you need to study harder. As to the Ex, instead of an anchor on you boat slowing you down, let him be the sail, a motivator, "I'm going to show that SOB" and hit the books. You know you can do it, all you need to do is bear down Your friend Gallon
delajoonal Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 omg! LISA...i am telling you..it must be in the stars or something...i had nightmares all night woke up crying, and screaming at one point... I CAN'T STOP CRYING EITHER...ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT AND SO FAR ALL DAY TODAY..WTF? i am sorry you are having a time with school:o please DO NOT give up....i will round up our group some how and get them cheering for you...:bunny: my son was in a horrific car accident...after seeing the truck, and bags DID NOT deploy, i am NOT sure how he came out alive...GOD and Angels...i am still in shock myself... my point...i think your having a hard time in school as with my sons accident, is going to bring us back down to the level we were at when drowning in sorrow about our X's or stbx's.... you know what i mean? but you have to know we are all here for you and for each other... you know my email and PM me anytime too;) again...weird how we both had such icky nightmares on the same night.. and I nEVER have dreams or nightmares...so i guess our subconcisous S(sp?), is having a time of it with the scary issues going on in our lives right now.. you with school and your future and me with my son and near death accident.. GOD BE WITH US ALL AT THIS TIME..PLEASE!
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It's gotta be tough going back to school, taking exams, etc with loads of younger people surrounding you, but what's the alternative? When you have chance to do something with your life, to better yourself and become something you have only dreamed of....what a thrill. The opportunity is there. The better life that is in store for you...is there. Concentrate. You can do it! You're as bright as a button. Have faith.
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hi all Sorry I haven't been around this week, I started uni properly on Monday. Not had a good week. I failed my mock exam today by 2% if I don't pass the real one Friday I'm out! I feel like I've been hit by a bus, sooooooooooooo tired, I knew law would be tough but THIS tough on DAY 5????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think I'm cut out for this, I'm no quiter but OMG I feel like death warmed up and now I get to spend all week revising like mad. Of course all this has brought up all the old issues of my ex. Last night I had very vivid nightmares about him leaving and awoke crying this morning and I just feel so tearful all the time. I hate him for this, I hate him for s*****g all over my life that I was so happy and contented with and now I have to try and find a way through this law degree and deal with all this emotional c**p that I just wish would go away. Hope everyone else is doing well, I'm sorry I haven't had/have no time to catch up on everyones threads. Right back to the study. Lisa, You know, I've been here with you from the beginning. Read every post and hung on every word. I have told you this many times, but you are stronger then you will ever know! When we first started talking, his leaving consumed you. Your whole life was misery at what he had done. You've been through a lot, but you have always risen to the challenge, and this will be no different. I could rattle off my usual Tojaz pep talk, but instead i want you to look for yourself at how far you've come. This is just another hurdle along the path, don't turn back now sweetie, you've come so far. TOJAZ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192720/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192151/
Surfer Girl Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 In times like this we just want to vent to the one person that isn't there anymore...It sucks.... We have to realize now it is only ourselves that have to deal with it..... At the very least forums like this get ourselves to vent.... when perhaps the one person we want to talk to don't get it.... as the forum does.... it is not quite the same but it helps...... You are going thru a very difficult study with law.... but you are taking it seriously and focusing... that is good!!!!!
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Lisa, You know, I've been here with you from the beginning. Read every post and hung on every word. I have told you this many times, but you are stronger then you will ever know! When we first started talking, his leaving consumed you. Your whole life was misery at what he had done. You've been through a lot, but you have always risen to the challenge, and this will be no different. I could rattle off my usual Tojaz pep talk, but instead i want you to look for yourself at how far you've come. This is just another hurdle along the path, don't turn back now sweetie, you've come so far. TOJAZ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192720/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192151/ Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm not doing so good at the moment. I'm ashamed of those orginal threads Tojaz b/c when I read them and the other members responses, it's clear to me that I deserved everything I got. This was all my fault. All of it, I deserved for him to leave me b/c I wouldn't give him a family, b/c I didn't like him going out a lot etc. He's right it was all my fault and I deserved all of it, I wasn't enough of a women for him, as he said himself he hated the fact I wasn't maternal, I don't deserve his love, I'm to blame for it all, I should have known he was unhappy and my unhappiness now is my own doing. He's a great caring, loving person, so I must have been the problem. As for uni, well I'm going to spend the entire week till the exam re-reading all the books etc and hope I can pass it. I have to pass, it is a legal requirement of the regulating authorities to continue with the course, so if I don't I am out. Too be honest the tutor said that we should all pass as it's easy, well seven of us didn't! So somethings not right, either all seven of us are stupid or we missed something????? So, going to go back over it all.
delajoonal Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 LISA!!! you know better than that! you did nothing wrong.. you stuck by that mans side for 18 years with all his CP, and everything else.. you are an amazing woman and kind and sweet person with a heart of gold... you are a beautiful person and it breaks my heart to see you beating yourself up like this...you have made so much progress...please sweetie don't do this:o its just school..you are tired, and feeling like you can't do it...its just a tough time...YOU WILL BE FINE.. you will make it over this hurdle..i know it..you have come sooooooo far!!!! lisa..email me or PM me... i am here for you 24/7....and so is tojaz, and lupa and ladybug..we ALL love you to pieces... we will NOT let you go down like this...HE IS NOT WORTH IT..remember??? what do you always tell ME???? HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE LISA!! you have so much going for you.. a chance that some of us on LS would die for..to start over...you are smarter than you give yourself credit for ...i am beginning to think this man, your X, was more than CP, i think over the years he might have gaslighted you into this space you get into when things get dark or difficult..and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT Lisa..NOT...it is HIS FAULT! i promise.. you are going to be fine...is it mum again...PM me..we can talk about that..OK....i am here for you sweetie!!! don't give up now..we are all cheering you on...and we need you to just keep being the beautiful person you are..you have done so much for so many others here on LS..now let us be here for you:)
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm not doing so good at the moment. I'm ashamed of those orginal threads Tojaz b/c when I read them and the other members responses, it's clear to me that I deserved everything I got. This was all my fault. All of it, I deserved for him to leave me b/c I wouldn't give him a family, b/c I didn't like him going out a lot etc. He's right it was all my fault and I deserved all of it, I wasn't enough of a women for him, as he said himself he hated the fact I wasn't maternal, I don't deserve his love, I'm to blame for it all, I should have known he was unhappy and my unhappiness now is my own doing. He's a great caring, loving person, so I must have been the problem. As for uni, well I'm going to spend the entire week till the exam re-reading all the books etc and hope I can pass it. I have to pass, it is a legal requirement of the regulating authorities to continue with the course, so if I don't I am out. Too be honest the tutor said that we should all pass as it's easy, well seven of us didn't! So somethings not right, either all seven of us are stupid or we missed something????? So, going to go back over it all. Lisa !!!!!!! DONT BE REDICULOUS!!!!!!!!! He was an A$$, you know it and know it. PM me if your still around. TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 ya, what tojaz said...but NOT as mean...LOL:D
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 ya, what tojaz said...but NOT as mean...LOL:D To be honest, this guy deserves a little anger and a good walloping with a cricket bat!!! Lisa I have said many times and typed until my fingers bled that he let you down. That he did not deserve your love. you know this is the case. D ont fall into the trap because you miss him and are having a hard time, he didn't treat you as well as you deserve or to be honest as any woman deserves, let alone a good hearted woman like yourself. A truly rare breed. So you wanted to be with him, instead of him being out til all hours, so you were afraid of having kids because of health concerns, who could fault you for that. Any man worth loving would have respected that all to the fullest. I would have!!!!! TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 ok...so we are all a little seepies...PMed you tojaz.
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 [quote=delajoonal;239292i am beginning to think this man, your X, was more than CP, i think over the years he might have gaslighted you into this space you get into when things get dark or difficult..and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT Lisa..NOT...it is HIS FAULT! Lisa !!!!!!! DONT BE REDICULOUS!!!!!!!!! He was an A$$, you know it and know it. PM me if your still around. TOJAZ I don't know what gaslighting is? He wasn't an a$$, that's what makes it so difficult and my fault, he treated me well and always encouraged me to better myself. I just wasn't good enough for him. He left me b/c he wanted a family that I would not give him and when I said I would the day he left he came out with some other excuses b/c he knew it wasn't what I really wanted and would have been doing it for him. He stayed with me 18 years b/c he hoped that as I got older my maternal instinct would kick in, that I would change my mind. No one would blame him for deciding to find a women who could give him the family life he desired, so, I WAS THE PROBLEM. Back to the study. EDIT-afterthought, he did say later that he wouldn't have married me even if I had wanted children. Weird.
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I don't know what gaslighting is? He wasn't an a$$, that's what makes it so difficult and my fault, he treated me well and always encouraged me to better myself. I just wasn't good enough for him. He left me b/c he wanted a family that I would not give him and when I said I would the day he left he came out with some other excuses b/c he knew it wasn't what I really wanted and would have been doing it for him. He stayed with me 18 years b/c he hoped that as I got older my maternal instinct would kick in, that I would change my mind. No one would blame him for deciding to find a women who could give him the family life he desired, so, I WAS THE PROBLEM. Back to the study. EDIT-afterthought, he did say later that he wouldn't have married me even if I had wanted children. Weird. That tells me the children thing was all BS! Come on Lis, snap out of it, you know better then this. He encouraged you to be better in his eyes, to mold you into what he wanted you to be rather then accepting you for the fantastic woman you are. We talked about all this sweetie. I'll dig up all your old posts if I have to.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Lisa He is not a great and caring person. He is using you as his whipping boy for his failures. Yes! His Failures. He has successfully laid all of the blame on you. Guilt trips, plain and simple. Do no accept any guilt trips as they are only tools to control or hurt you. A passel of lies to cover up his short comings as a man. I was not a psych major, and know very little about it, so I am just guessing here, but it sure would seem that there could be a connection there with you growing up with an abusive mother and you being hesitant and fearful of having childern. You did not have the proper role model. He failed you as a man, to build your self esteem and confidence, that you could be a mother. And you were right not to want to have children with this man, he was not man enough for the woman in you to see him as a potential father. These are not your short comings, he should own them, not you Your friend Gallon
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Lisa He is not a great and caring person. He is using you as his whipping boy for his failures. Yes! His Failures. He has successfully laid all of the blame on you. Guilt trips, plain and simple. Do no accept any guilt trips as they are only tools to control or hurt you. A passel of lies to cover up his short comings as a man. I was not a psych major, and know very little about it, so I am just guessing here, but it sure would seem that there could be a connection there with you growing up with an abusive mother and you being hesitant and fearful of having childern. You did not have the proper role model. He failed you as a man, to build your self esteem and confidence, that you could be a mother. And you were right not to want to have children with this man, he was not man enough for the woman in you to see him as a potential father. These are not your short comings, he should own them, not you Your friend Gallon Funny, i remember a good looking guy saying that weeks ago!
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Lisa He is not a great and caring person. He is using you as his whipping boy for his failures. Yes! His Failures. He has successfully laid all of the blame on you. Guilt trips, plain and simple. Do no accept any guilt trips as they are only tools to control or hurt you. A passel of lies to cover up his short comings as a man. I was not a psych major, and know very little about it, so I am just guessing here, but it sure would seem that there could be a connection there with you growing up with an abusive mother and you being hesitant and fearful of having childern. You did not have the proper role model. He failed you as a man, to build your self esteem and confidence, that you could be a mother. And you were right not to want to have children with this man, he was not man enough for the woman in you to see him as a potential father. These are not your short comings, he should own them, not you Your friend Gallon Thanks Gallon I know what your getting at but he tried, he really did. He just got sick of me being sick with agoraphobia and all the panic attacks. He tried, truely, he tried to help me get help and get a life and be better, better myself and build my confidence, all of that. He obviously just couldn't do any more. It's a shame as I was getting better anyway that last year, I had improved so much, but it just wasn't enough, not quick enough or too little too late. I have no one to blame but myself for losing him and the hell I am in now as a result.
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 How can you blame yourself for being sick??? If he wasn't caring enough to understand, then thats on him not you. Had he been the one that was ill, what would you have done for him??? I'll bet it's not the same thing. How come he gets praise for giving up???
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 How can you blame yourself for being sick??? If he wasn't caring enough to understand, then thats on him not you. Had he been the one that was ill, what would you have done for him??? I'll bet it's not the same thing. How come he gets praise for giving up??? He put up with me being sick for 7 years, he obviously couldn't take it anymore. I had got better in the last year, but he wanted someone more independant, not so reliant on him, someone "normal" without my panic issues a life and a working life of their own. We hadn't been on vacation in 5 years b/c of me, I couldn't go anywhere being pretty much house bound. I missed his family functions, like his brothers 30th b/c I could not travel through central London, he just got sick of it, fed up with not being able to go anywhere different and wanting to go out more with his friends instead of feeling like he had to come home to me b/c I had been alone all day.
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 He put up with me being sick for 7 years, he obviously couldn't take it anymore. I had got better in the last year, but he wanted someone more independant, not so reliant on him, someone "normal" without my panic issues a life and a working life of their own. We hadn't been on vacation in 5 years b/c of me, I couldn't go anywhere being pretty much house bound. I missed his family functions, like his brothers 30th b/c I could not travel through central London, he just got sick of it, fed up with not being able to go anywhere different and wanting to go out more with his friends instead of feeling like he had to come home to me b/c I had been alone all day. Sounds incredibly selfish to me. If you love someone, your there for them. Hell, we've never met and I've been up since 3 A.M. waiting for you because I was worried about you. You lived with the man and together for 18 years and in the end he cared more about his leisure time and getting a motorcycle then taking care of his sick love???? PRIORITIES!!!
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Sounds incredibly selfish to me. If you love someone, your there for them. Hell, we've never met and I've been up since 3 A.M. waiting for you because I was worried about you. You lived with the man and together for 18 years and in the end he cared more about his leisure time and getting a motorcycle then taking care of his sick love???? PRIORITIES!!! But when you are sick of the guilt trips it would get to you. I would complain ALL the time if he wanted to go out instead of come home, he worked long hours, but it still wasn't fair of me, he is entitled to a life of his own. He put up with it as long as he could. Tojaz, go back to bed!
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 But when you are sick of the guilt trips it would get to you. I would complain ALL the time if he wanted to go out instead of come home, he worked long hours, but it still wasn't fair of me, he is entitled to a life of his own. He put up with it as long as he could. Tojaz, go back to bed! I'm on my second pot of coffee!! I ain't going anywhere!:confused: (Docs gonna be pissed!) For me, I wouldn't be sick of the guilt trips because there wouldn't be any. i would have been there all along. How fair is it of me to be out with my friends if my love was home ill!
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I'm on my second pot of coffee!! I ain't going anywhere!:confused: (Docs gonna be pissed!) For me, I wouldn't be sick of the guilt trips because there wouldn't be any. i would have been there all along. How fair is it of me to be out with my friends if my love was home ill! Yeah you would, if it was every time you wanted to go out over the period of seven years, no one could put up with that, really he was a saint to put up with it as long as he did.
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Yeah you would, if it was every time you wanted to go out over the period of seven years, no one could put up with that, really he was a saint to put up with it as long as he did. Well my dear, he is no saint based solely on how he treated you. As for what i would do. Your on a different continent, yet whenever you needed me over the last few months, have I not always been there? I would dare say half of my post count is to you. There are several threads here with hundreds of posts from me, MayI, Broken, Ladybug, Lupa, SHB! If I commit to someone, it's 24/7 or as close as I can muster. The only way I know how!
Author LisaUk Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Well my dear, he is no saint based solely on how he treated you. As for what i would do. Your on a different continent, yet whenever you needed me over the last few months, have I not always been there? I would dare say half of my post count is to you. There are several threads here with hundreds of posts from me, MayI, Broken, Ladybug, Lupa, SHB! If I commit to someone, it's 24/7 or as close as I can muster. The only way I know how! Sorry Tojaz, didn't mean to refer to you specifically, just meant someone in general, that my ex wasn't unreasonable in his complaint (OMG, Lawyer language is seeping in, I'm doing WAY to much study LOL).
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