JL911 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I am going through the motions of a break up where I was truly in love. It has been over 2 months and am over the initial shock and awe of it all, just nothing else seems right in life...and I am starting to think. I have my moments of normal feelings, but have a lot more days where I feel very insignificant, very alone, and hopeless. I start thinking back to even prior to the relationship where I felt the very same way. I'm not very social, I tend to overeat most days, and am just very passionate about my feelings and emotions. I have never had a huge self opinon of myself. I'm not an optimist by any means. I can function on a day to day basis, I can laugh with friends, but in the end I just never seem satisfied with life or myself no matter what I do. I always just figured that this was the way I was programmed and how I am. Im beginning to wonder if I suffer from a mild form of depression and possibly should seek out some sort of medication and a higher form of therapy than I am in now. I am also concerned about some of the side effects to some of the medication on the market. Weight gain, mood swings, suicide, ect... I know I have every reason in the world to have a high opinion of who I am, but I just dont. My family has depression on both sides of the family that were very extreme in some cases with alcoholism and suicide was linked to my great grandfather....I know I am not to the point where I want my life to end, but at times I feel like it would be no big deal or I just didnt care anymore about what happens to me. Some days I feel fine and others just are the exact opposite. One hour things can be good then the next compeletly different. Im scared...confused...and just dont know exactly what to do....I am planning on seeing a psych here next week and begin to be evaluated...I just dont want the world to think I am nuts because I need medication.
alphamale Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 yes you should get a medical evaluation by all means but make sure you have a good doctor. there is less stigma associated with depression and the meds these days. i don't know your age but the earlier you get treated the better your future prognosis. clinical depression is a mostly treatable medical condition and there is nothing to be embarassed about
Author JL911 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Probaly a few more things to add.... I am almost 26.... Getting enough sleep has always been a huge problem with me for as long as I can remember. Falling asleep is sometimes the biggest problem. I sometimes just lay in bed constantly at thought with my mind racing 100mph about just random things. Sometimes they are good other times just terrible. I wake up every single night at different times. Lately I have noticed I will fall asleep for maybe 2hrs wake up back to sleep for 2-3more back up...Generally I fall asleep after midnight and am back up around 2 or 3am then back up again around 4-6 then finally wake up about 730am...It hasnt always been like this, but sleep has never come easy and since this terrible event it is just harder to come by. In college I had a lot of substance abuse problems. I always took them as partying and having fun, but I'm sure its more than that. Alcohol, marijuana, and pain killers were my top choices...I went though a real rough patch at 19-21 and then finally calmed my deamons and got myself under control and really took control of my life. I barely drink anymore (less than 5 drinks a month), I havent touched pain killers, in well over 4 years now, and have only recently smoked weed again. I found happiness in myself again, but now the spiral downward is happening all over again and I feel very out of control with my emotions. I have no urge to drink or use, because I know that is not the answer, but feel that life is so hopeless again...I feel terrible about who I am as a person once more. I do not want to have another 2+ year stint with depression and misery.
Author JL911 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 I have no interest in drinking or using anymore, I have gotten past that in life...I just feel that maybe there is more to my sadness than just this break up. I truly lost a great friend who I deeply loved and devoted myself to. I never relied on her for happiness nor will I say she turned my life around for the better. I did all of that before her. She did however start this cycle again by leaving me.
BeSteady Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I have no interest in drinking or using anymore, I have gotten past that in life...I just feel that maybe there is more to my sadness than just this break up. I truly lost a great friend who I deeply loved and devoted myself to. I never relied on her for happiness nor will I say she turned my life around for the better. I did all of that before her. She did however start this cycle again by leaving me. GET OFF THE WEED. Drinking and using is often a way of self medication. So over the years you may have kept you out of that place in a unhealthy way. How long has it been since the break up? Your feeling may also be a result of other bigger abandonment stuff from earlier experiences which can intensify each other loss. It sounds like you, by yourself was getting stronger. and soemone good came into your life. She may not have been your ultimate match but someone to show you the benefits of working hard towards a better you. She was there to encourage you to continue down that path so when the real right one comes your ready for her. Yes it hurts now but she served her purpose for you.
Author JL911 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 It has been 2 months...I know its all fresh and new...Im over the shock and awe...but am just very concerned with my mental health at this point thinking even prior to the relationship and drug and alcohol use that I always just kinda kept to myself and always felt as if I would never matter to anyone...I always have felt so lost in life even with the friends and hobbies I have. I dont want to link my personal happiness to a relationship or my confidence to being loved by someone...I want to love myself and find peace in my life on my own. I am such a strong person physically, but this emotional stuff just keeps eating at me and eating at me. It is really breaking me down... As for getting off the weed, I havent smoked in over a month and again have no interest in starting again....Ive found it makes u think too much...Even turned down cocaine as well....I dont want to self medicate with these...I know it will only lead me down a road I already know all too well... I really just want to move forward with life and explore any method that may be benificial to my health.
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 A racing mind and trouble sleeping can be a sympton of anxiety. Often anxiety and depression go hand in hand. A break up can certainly cause situational depression- all the feelings you are experiencing are a normal side effect of loss and grieving. I'd see a doctor to talk about what is going on. Meds can only help to a degree~ an anti-depressant will not magically instill you with self esteem, nor will it erase the pain of your break-up.
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Try (CBT)cognitive behavioural therapy, this helps alot with depression, and anxiety. Another thing, your sleeping patterns - Talk to your family Dr about getting Melatonin, it'll help you sleep better. Google it, there are some helpful sites.. Also google CBT, I really think this type of therapy will help you, as well as being on some form of medication for a while. It may not be forever, but until you even out, feel physically better. The CBT will help you gain self confidence, face your fears, issues, things from your past, present or worries about the future, as well as teaching you coping techniques to deal with things in a more healthy way. Hope this helps!
BeSteady Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Meds can only help to a degree~ an anti-depressant will not magically instill you with self esteem, nor will it erase the pain of your break-up. Correct about the meds, though they can get you to a place that support hard personal work and therapy can help you dress other issues. It sounds like you actually strong emotionally to be able to make those positive changes you have already made. Your going in a very good direction. Keep up the good work.
Dooda Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Jl 911, you're obviously going through a hard time, and I'd have to say it's only normal that you're feeling all that you're feeling. If you weren't, that'd just be weird. The depression you are going through is obviously a sign that your subconcious, or your soul, or your mind, or whatever you might refer to it as, is confused and troubled. You need to do some soul searching and find out who you are and not have to worry about what other people might think about you. Even though it may be hard to believe at times, the people around you (your friends, your family) actually do care about you and who you are. I would recommend you go to seek professional help, but if you feel that meds are not the right choice for you (because of the various and large amount of side effects - I went through this too), then you don't need to take them, and don't let your psychiatrist force you into it. I went on meds for about 6 months and they only made me feel worse, more drowsy, more spaced out, more quiet, worse eating habits. But, you never know, taking them for a few weeks might help alleviate the symptoms and give you a chance to look through yourself and make yourself a beter and stronger person. Don't worry about being so emotional, we all go through troubled times atleast at one point in our lives. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human beings. I hope this helped and good luck on your quest for recovery.
Author JL911 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Some days are just better than others...this morning I awoke and felt as if the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders....Im at work feeling as if I am going to just break down...I dont know if I feel like I want to cry or just tear this entire place apart until I have no strength left in me... Yesterday wasnt too bad...But the ups and downs are just really really getting to me. I hate this, I hate everything about this....I'm just completely lost in my own head anymore...I dont know what to do, or think, or act...Im scared about my future as a person... Your right I was making progress prior to the relationship and I was SO HAPPY....Now I feel worse than ever...Will it ever just work out for me...I feel so selfish praying for strength...I feel so pathetic praying for things to work out for me....I know there is so much worse than what I am going through...I know there is disease, cancer, life loss, wars, hunger, and much worse things that people are living with.....I just wish I could feel whole again.... Im so sick of feeling this way...
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