The end of cheating

[inhindsight]

"Most people I know who have been cheated on didn't deserve it at all and did nothing to cause it."

 

one more person who doesn't get what I am saying, and probably doesn't even want to. This is not for everybody I know, some people just need to learn things the hard way.

 

 

I think I get what you are saying, but you are being a bit patronizing and condescending how you choose to deliver your message.

 

If you are speaking from the "Laws of Attraction" aka "the Secret" POV, then I suppose you interpret that our future is pre-destined by our past thoughts, hence this is what is "attracted" into our life.

 

But you give off airs of superiority by making blanket declarations that others are just supposed to automatically comprehend... but most will and can only interpret to mean something else, which is that you believe a BS bears some form of responsibility, even if you didn't exactly mean it that way, but kinda sorta do.

 

I don't think you believe a BS is deserving being cheated on, because I think most agree no one deserves to have their feelings hurt.

 

I THINK you mean we all need to take ownership for our life and where it goes and what happens in the future. I concede on this.

 

But to say that the LoA is the only thing that determines what happens in our lives is, IMO, hogwash. It's like putting your eggs in one basket. It don't work. Sometimes sh*t happens to really good people who just plain never "asked" for it and least of all deserved it to happen.

Edited October 2, 2009 by inhindsight

[lostsunsets]

Good guy - boring.....bad boy - fun. Good guy - loving supportive, bad boy - self absorbed cheater. Girls make these choice. Its not about the guy being what he naturally is. Its about the girl growing up and wanting something better. A lot of women want the bad boy and then want to change him into a good guy. They say guys never grow up. Some women don't either.

[JaneInVegas]

First off, what does BS and EA stand for?

 

Secondly, my problem with the OP hypothesis is the fact s/he is trying to dump EVERY affair into only one of TWO buckets. That is impossible. There are so many different reasons for affairs, so many different life circumstances, and Life is full of millions of shades of gray ... how could there possibly be only TWO buckets?

 

Lots of people are innocent bystanders to affairs, clueless and in the dark. I can see no reasonable way to say ALL people who have been cheated on our somehow how a willing victim. Puh-leez

[HUFI]

"Owl said …but NONE of that is the betrayed person's 'fault', which is what you implied initially in your posts."

 

And you replied with …. See, that’s the ego hang-up right there. Somebody does something wrong to you, so you place blame on them. Ok fine. Then someone else does the same thing to you, so you place blame on them. Ok, but now it’s getting old, why did this happen to me twice? Then a third person does the same thing to you. Ok, place blame on them too if you want, it does nothing to help you at all, in fact it makes you bitter. (Emphasis is mine)

 

At some point, you have to face up to the fact that you are doing something to attract this situation in your life. That is what people do not want to accept.

 

 

But this scenario only plays out when there are multiple pre-A issues that either "drove” the WS to the affair or else if there are multiple affairs which are “enabled” by the BS due to their failure to set deal breakers & boundaries.

 

But that does not explain how this “ego hang-up” explains why I had an affair on my BS without having any pre-A behavior issues that could indicate that “she” was attracting this situation into her life.

 

The affair was solely my doing. My responsibility and yet your arguing that for some reason, she did something to attract this into her life?

 

You going to have to explain it to us in single syllable words with a lot more examples to illustrate what the hell you mean because we’re not buying into the whole argument except for those affairs that fall into the two categories above.

[HUFI]

]

... First off, what does BS and EA stand for? Secondly, my problem with the OP hypothesis is the fact s/he is trying to dump EVERY affair into only one of TWO buckets. That is impossible. There are so many different reasons for affairs, so many different life circumstances, and Life is full of millions of shades of gray ... how could there possibly be only TWO buckets? … Lots of people are innocent bystanders to affairs, clueless and in the dark. I can see no reasonable way to say ALL people who have been cheated on our somehow how a willing victim. Puh-leez

 

Welcome JaneInVegas

 

BS is the Betrayed Spouse

 

EA refers to an emotional affair (as compared to a PA (physical affair) but most people (including me) think that the EA is more hurtful to the BS because it has its roots in the whole "true everlasting love" part that is suppose to sacred to a marriage.

 

You’re quite right about the whole shades of gray issue. Too many posters here seem to be quite locked into their particular POV and you do occasionally run into posters who seem to be very bitter, angry, disillusioned, blame shifters and other non-flattering people.

 

That said the majority of debate on LS does seem to be healthy debate meant to open people’s eyes to alternative ways of seeing the issue of the affair. Gentle 2x4s are sometimes needed to get people seeing clearly.

 

Sometimes, like this thread, we are having a very healthy debate as to what bhweller really meant with his first initial posting here.

 

Welcome aboard.

 

A - Affair

[FONT=Times New Roman]BIL-brother in law[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]BS-Betrayed spouse[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]BTW-by the way[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]D-Divorce or daughter[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]DIL-Daughter in law[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]D-day-Discovery day[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]EA-Emotional affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]EMA-extramarital affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]F-fiancé[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]FAQ-frequently answered questions[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]FIL-father in law[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]FWIW-for what it’s worth[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]FYI-for your information[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]H-husband[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]HW-home wrecker[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]IAE-in any event[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]IM-instant message[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]IMHO-in my humble opinion[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]IOW-in other words[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]JK-just kidding[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]LOL-Laughing out loud[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MIL-mother in law[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MLC-midlife crisis[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MM-married man[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MOm-maybe other man[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MOP-maybe other person[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MOw-maybe other woman[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]MW-married woman[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]NC-No Contact[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]NPD-Narcissistic Personality Disorder[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]OC-Other Child[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]OEA-Online emotional affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]OG-other guy[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]Om-other man[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]ONS-one night stand[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]Op-other person[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]Ow-other woman[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]PA-Physical affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]PM-private message[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]PMA-positive mental attitude[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]POS-Piece of *****[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]POV-point of view[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]R-day-Reclaim day(the annv.date of couple's reclaiming their relationship and rebuilding)[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]ROFLMAO-Rolling on the floor laughing my A$$ off[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SAHM-Stay at home mom(thanks DS)[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SEa-suspected emotional affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SIL-sister in law[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SITD-Still in the dark[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SO-Significant other[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SOm-suspected other man[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SOw-suspected other woman(I liked this one!)[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]SPa-suspected physical affair[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]STBX-Soon to be X (husband/wife)[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]STBXOM-Soon to be X other man[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]STBXOW-Soon to be X other woman[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]TMI-Too much information[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]UCL-unconditional love[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]W-wife[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]WS-Wayward spouse[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]WTF-what the *****[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]WTG-way to go[/FONT]

[Trialbyfire]

two causes for cheating:

 

1. one person lies and pretends to want monogamy with someone when they don't.

 

2. the other person clings and demands monogamy even when they can tell the other has a reduced interest level and/or a roving eye.

 

The cheaters are just not telling the truth, sometimes right from the very beginning. People will put on an act to please others, or for selfish gain. Sometimes they just lie to themselves, trying to be something they are not.

 

The "victims" always play their part in creating the situation, but their ego's will not allow them to see it. I do feel sympathy for them, but not after they have been cheated on for the 9th time.

 

the cure:

 

people who have cheated need to work on their honesty and go for what they want, right from the beginning. No faking, not even to please the other person, or "protect their feelings" which is BS.

 

People who get cheated on need to be more aware in the present moment and accept when the other person is not acting right. If they are attracted to others, you either let them do what they want ( because you cannot control them ) or you end the relationship. Do not threaten, whine , beg, or accuse because then the cheater will just feel the pressure and lose all attraction to you, so you are better off just breaking up right then. If it was true love it will come back to you ( but you know it isn't so stop that pining BS also ).

As an ex-BW, I 100% agree with this.

[HUFI]

I apologize for the formattting issues on the first post. Edit function would not allow me to change it either .. hard to read the other way ..

Edited October 2, 2009 by HUFI
formattting