Karajan Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I've been reading some things in the infidelity forum this morning and a lot of the stuff I've been reading has been resonating with me, so I thought I'd post my situation to get some thoughts... I met my current gf a little over a year ago. We went out a few times and had an instant connection. When I confronted her on what my feelings were and wanted to know what hers were, she told me that she had a bf that was long distance, the relationship wasn't working out and she was trying to make a decision on whether or not to be with him. I left that night, but a few nights later she called me over and we took it to the physical level, and we've been seeing each other ever since. She eventually let her bf go and supposedly made me the man in her life. The thing about this is is that we have to keep this relationship secret due to the fact that we work together. There is no specific company policy that says things like this can't happen, but things are volatile with the economy and all and she's in a position of authority, makes a lot of big decisions, etc. (I made another thread a while ago about the secrecy thing, you can look it up if you want, nothing too much came of it) So all the while this has been going on, she's had a group of friends from out of town that she goes to hang out with every once in a while. I didn't think anything of it at first, I suppose when we were first together I wondered about it the first time she went to hang with them, but that's all and I feel like that's natural when you're getting to know someone. It all started this past January when I found condoms in her toiletry bag after a trip she had taken to hang out with these people. I didn't confront her about it because I thought there's no way this could be happening (yeah stupid given how the relationship started, I've thought about that a lot), and just let it slide. It kept eating at me and I finally asked her about it and she gave kind of a half-assed excuse that sort of satisfied me and sort of didn't. There were the condoms we used when we first started (we don't use them anymore) so they could have well just been in there from something we had done. Well the uncertainty in me got the best of me. She was hanging out with them this past weekend and I decided to leave an audio recorder in her room to see once and for all. I'm sure you know the outcome, heard them going at it...once when they got back from the bar and again the next morning when they woke up. She even texted me at some point during the night, either before or after the sex saying that she loved me. This is probably what hurts the most. So I got the recorder back, honestly feeling guilty about having left it there in the first place, but I listened to it and...ugh. So I confronted her with it. At first she didn't admit to having sex with him, that they just fooled around. She eventually admitted to the sex, obviously because she knew I had heard the whole thing. I wanted to know how long it's been going on, she said it's been off and on since before we even started seeing each other, but that this was the first time she had had sex with him since then (still a bit unclear on all of that), they had just fooled around from time to time before that. I've heard that story before. Is this important for me to know? She claims to have tried to stop, and there was a period of about 5 months or so where she didn't see them at all. So here I am trying to decide what to do. I do love her very much and think that there are things in this relationship worth fighting for. But I'm stuck on the fact that I feel like her explanation for what's been going on before this point is ringing false with me. I think that for us to even have a chance at moving forward, she needs to come clean about everything and tell me the truth. I haven't pushed too hard about this yet, but I plan to. She's agreed to never see this guy again, and by extension that whole group of people, and she'll call him and tell him it's over. Am I crazy for wanting this to work or giving her another chance? I feel like logically I am, and maybe I just need time away to really get my head together so I can make a decision. We've talked a lot about everything. I can tell that she's truly sorry and remorseful and that she really does want things to work out...but how long is this going to last? Is this just the type of person she is? Why did she do it in the first place? Just couldn't let go of an old fling? Just want some thoughts. I'm hesitant to talk to anyone close to me, because if it does happen to work out I don't want my friends/family to hold a grudge. Thanks. Edit: Just realized this is in the marriage forum, when I'm clearly not married...if a mod sees this please move it if you think it's necessary, thanks!
Bryanp Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hello, Sorry what you are going through. My answer is Yes you would be crazy staying with her. 1. She has been screwing this guy on and off throughout your entire relationship. 2. She has been putting your health at risk for STD's throughout your entire relationship. 3. She would still be screwing him if she has not been caught. She had no intention of ever telling you and she made you look like a complete fool. 4. After screwing this guy she calls you up to tell you she loves you? Clearly she was getting some perverse thrill doing this and laughing about it. 5. She has lied to you and cheated on you throughout your entire relationship. Seriously, you could never ever believe anything she says. She has played you for a complete fool. You would have to be masochistic to stay in this relationship. I am sure if the roles were reversed she never would have been so accepting to the total disrespect and humiliation she has shown you. Her actions indicate that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Drop her and get tested for STD's and find someone who can value you and a relationship because she can't.
freestyle Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 The mere fact that she didn't own up until she was confronted with concrete evidence would be a dealbreaker for me. Also, the "I love you " text, the night she was cheating on you????? Twisted, very twisted. I see a HUGE deficiency in the conscience department there. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
LakesideDream Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Karajan, This is what "dating" is all about. It gives you time to get to know someone, experiance the good and the bad. In this case the bad was totally unexcusable. Go find someone else to date. Good luck.
seibert253 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 She's gotta go my friend. If you take her back, SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN. She's lied to you for your entire relationship, why should she stop now? She will now only be more careful in hiding her relationships. Sit down and really think upon this question; can you trust her? Really, think hard. If your answer is anything but yes, then you know what you have to do. Run Forest, Run.
bhweller Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Flush her and start looking for another girl and another job. Sorry for your predicament, I know that pain. After you heal, figure out how you got into this mess. This is a life lesson, and it will happen over and over until you learn it. This person simply never intended monogamy with you, but lied, because she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. The whole "I love you" message was one more manipulation to see if she could keep you on a string just for her convenience. She never wanted to be exclusive with you and she never was, that was all an illusion in your mind, which she fed with her deception. The deception is the evil here, and not really the sex, which was meaningless in itself. She is a slut and has probably screwed dozens of men just in the past few years and you were just another one. It hurts now I know, but just deal with it right now and don't store it away and get bitter and let her ruin your future. Here is a little bit of a side note, but it might make you feel better. Imagine an ex-girlfriend has become a total whore and is screwing half the town. Do you care ? No. Why not ? because there is no connection there and you know it. Well, sorry my friend, but you never had a connection with this b*tch either. Now she is an ex-girlfriend, and she is screwing somebody and you should not care, there simply is no reason to. Just learn your lesson so it doesn't happen again.
lostsunsets Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 The other posters are right. She cannot keep from spreading her legs for other guys (could be more then old boyfriend). Kick her to the curb fast.
EcstasyX6 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Alright Dude...tough love from a female: "Why did she do it in the first place?" you ask.... because she didn't love you. Keep searching to find the one....
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Am I crazy for wanting this to work or giving her another chance? Yes I feel like logically I am, and maybe I just need time away to really get my head together so I can make a decision. We've talked a lot about everything. I can tell that she's truly sorry and remorseful and that she really does want things to work out she is sorry and remorseful......that she got caught. Is this just the type of person she is? obviously so....or she wouldn't have cheated. Why did she do it in the first place? Just couldn't let go of an old fling? because she wanted to have sex with someone other than you. Just want some thoughts. I'm hesitant to talk to anyone close to me, because if it does happen to work out I don't want my friends/family to hold a grudge. Thanks. If your friends and family hold a grudge against her, its for good reason. I don't know how old you are, but you sound young. And if that is the case, there are plenty of women out there that will not cheat on you, and much better women than your gf. So get your pole and go fishing. There are plenty of red snapper out there.....what you have in your gf is a carp.
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Yikes! Do NOT give her the benefit of the doubt for changing her ways!! Yes, you are in pain now, and do not want to give up the good parts of your relationship with her, but, as a previous poster said, the whole point of 'dating' is to see if you Should continue the relationship long-term, or not. This, my friend, is Clear Evidence that you should not continue it. Cut your losses now, earlier rather than later, because psychologically, if you do invest in her further, it will only become more difficult for you to cut her loose in the future... really... for your own sake, end it NOW.
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