Author NOTSURE7 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I am 2 months after d-day of my wifes EA and I CAN'T STAND THIS ROLLERCOASTER! I WANT OFF NOW! I am considering Divorce becuase I need to be free of these emotional swings. I have feelings of hate, resentment and Pain. Then like last night My wife and I have wonderfull loving sex for an hour and I feel like we are togather again. i know i am giving you an answer from the persepctive of a ws but i am hoping maybe this will help... my w often talks about the rollercoaster and how she dosent want this in her life and never asked for this in her life,she says why me,why did you turn my life upside down. but she also loves me and wants our marriage to work, and she knows that i also want the same things and that in order for it to work we have to be strong together and work though the rollercoaster of emotions,i continue to support her and be there for her.we have had some amazing moments within the rollercoaster ride,she has begun to understand that this is truly a long ride and that eventhough these emotions are there,that we can endure them and one day emerge stronger as a result. anyway my point is that if you and your w are commited to making your m not only work but to recognize what went wrong and to make your m stronger, if your w has commited to do whatever it takes not only now but for the long haul then you need to continue to work on it.. I know and understand the rollercoaster of emotions, i see it everyday,but we have never even discussed divorce as an option,if you want your w and your marriage and most importantly she in turn wants you and your m more than anything in this world and she is truly remourseful,truly in full and i mean full nc and she is doing whatever it takes to restore some faith and trust in her, then maybe you should take diivorce out of your mind, i know its hard when those emotions creep into your head and you just want to run away and get a divorce ,but divorce is final and at least for me i am glad that although difficult i am working hard to ensure only success in my m and i beleive my w sees that and understands that we will emerge stronger one day down the long winding road. ..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 The truth is that some actions are just so hurtful that they create a permanent injury inside of the injured one that will remain with them forever... even well after the 'forgiveness' has been extended. Even after the relationship seems on track. I guarantee that everyone can recall especially hurtful situations going well back to childhood. There is a reason for that. And this is why it is important to think before you act. And... not to be driven by one's desires. I read a book called 'Commentaries on Living' many years ago and the author laid out a roadmap for the development of character in a person. And it went like this... First, we will do an act. Feel no guilt and later reflect upon it seeing the flaw in our thinking. Then, we will get to the point whereby we do an act and feel guilt/accountability right after we do it. Then we will progress to the point whereby we feel the guilt while we are doing it.... And then finally, we feel the guilt before we do it and choose not to. The building of character is a conscious act that becomes second nature with diligence. i fully agree with this and if i could only turn back time i would... but i am working on building character so that nothing ever happens again, i know the hurt i caused my w will be there forever and unfortunately i cant make it go away,if i could i would... i just didnt think about anyone but myself but all i have now is the future and i am working to understand my character and fix the flaws and in turn try to minimize her hurt as much as i possibly can.. i know her pain will never be gone but by me becoming the man she deserves and treating her with respect thinking before i act and never hurting her again, well then i can at least make her hurt just a little bit less over time..
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I read a book called 'Commentaries on Living' many years ago and the author laid out a roadmap for the development of character in a person. And it went like this... First, we will do an act. Feel no guilt and later reflect upon it seeing the flaw in our thinking. Then, we will get to the point whereby we do an act and feel guilt/accountability right after we do it. Then we will progress to the point whereby we feel the guilt while we are doing it.... And then finally, we feel the guilt before we do it and choose not to. The building of character is a conscious act that becomes second nature with diligence. Wow... this kinda opens my eyes as to where my H is in building HIS character -- he is on the second last step in all this... last two affairs he had, he was feeling the guilt while he was doing it, to the point where his guilt made him at times impotent (ha!, sorry... ) with OW. So -- I guess the question is: that last step -- the one where a person feels the guilt (or just considers the option) before he does it, and chooses not to do it -- is that considered a Solid Step? I mean, what if he chooses not to do it one time, but another time is feeling more vulnerable, or entitled, or whatever, and chooses to do it? Grr -- seems like hit and miss
Author NOTSURE7 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Wow... this kinda opens my eyes as to where my H is in building HIS character -- he is on the second last step in all this... last two affairs he had, he was feeling the guilt while he was doing it, to the point where his guilt made him at times impotent (ha!, sorry... ) with OW. So -- I guess the question is: that last step -- the one where a person feels the guilt (or just considers the option) before he does it, and chooses not to do it -- is that considered a Solid Step? I mean, what if he chooses not to do it one time, but another time is feeling more vulnerable, or entitled, or whatever, and chooses to do it? Grr -- seems like hit and miss i would think this is an all or nothing change athena...i know i am striving to change completely and i do not want my w thinking hit or miss..i think you have to choose to never do it again no matter what or how your feeling at the time, that is the point...
Dexter Morgan Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 so how do bs get to that point where you can truly begin to let happiness back in and heal enough to give the ws back some trust and give them hope that things can and will be ok.. you will never get ALL of her trust back, and really, you don't deserve it. but you could, I suppose, come to a point where she trusts you in general, just not blindly and won't take your word for everything with 100% confidence. i am interested to hear from bs as well as maybe some ws who have gone down this long road and how it turned out and when things took a turn for the better.. I have been doing everything right because i truly have found the love i need in my w and i want my m to be amazing and strong going forward but of course what i have done weighs heavily in all of this,my mc and ic both have said we are doing well and commend me on all that i have done to make my w feel special and to gain back trust but as always i am looking for ideas that may have worked for you as to how to make my W feel just a little better each and every day.. You an only be an open book and show her that you aren't doing anything you shouldn't be doing. Thats all you can do. The rest is up to her. But one thing does come to mind is that once a cheater is "found out", then if they truly want their marriage, then there are certain things they are going to have to sacrifice...certain things that would be suspect to your wife....such as going drinking with the guys...things like that. If it isn't anything your wife wouldn't be welcome out, then really, as a cheater, if you want your marriage, you really shouldn't be doing it. Thats all you can do is be an open book. But make no mistake, you won't get 100% trust back. You effed that up.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 you will never get ALL of her trust back, and really, you don't deserve it. but you could, I suppose, come to a point where she trusts you in general, just not blindly and won't take your word for everything with 100% confidence. You an only be an open book and show her that you aren't doing anything you shouldn't be doing. Thats all you can do. The rest is up to her. But one thing does come to mind is that once a cheater is "found out", then if they truly want their marriage, then there are certain things they are going to have to sacrifice...certain things that would be suspect to your wife....such as going drinking with the guys...things like that. If it isn't anything your wife wouldn't be welcome out, then really, as a cheater, if you want your marriage, you really shouldn't be doing it. Thats all you can do is be an open book. But make no mistake, you won't get 100% trust back. You effed that up. i understand that dex,thats why i said "some trust".... i am making the neccesary sacrifices...
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 i understand that dex,thats why i said "some trust".... i am making the neccesary sacrifices... Remind me again, NS7 -- what was it exactly that made you make up your mind to Change?
ReturnToSender Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 My sister confided in me that its been 9 years, and every so often, she still feels a pang when she looks at her husband. In the beginning, the first few years after his infidelity, it was a *huge* rollercoaster ride. He even had to move out for awhile there...she needed her space from him cause just looking at him made her so angry, hurt, disappointed, everything rolled into one. He hurt her, and she needed to get over the hurt. When she feels the pangs, she just gets out of the house, goes for a walk, whatever she can to sort herself through. But...they love each other tremendously...theyve made it work because it was worth working through. I think it would have been easier to throw in the towel, but this ended up being more rewarding for them. My sis and her husband are more like parents to me...seeing them really does give me a lot of hope. I would be devestated if they ended up getting a divorce...hes been like a father to me since I was 10!!! I guess it comes down to the level of true commitment that the two have for each other...what they are willing to do, how far they are willing to go. He definitely has not strayed again. That would be the end of everything...and he is so thankful that his mess up didnt cause him to lose everything...he realized its not a risk worth taking.
PhoenixRise Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 It does get better Notsure...... Or It Can get better I don't think it is necessarily true that your wife will be like the walking wounded for the rest of her life. Yes she is in a great deal of pain right now. Yes she is probaly questioning everything....but this does not have to be a permenant state for her. The thing is for a BS to reconcile with a WS the BS has to be able to accept that the person they love is capable of great selfishness....that this person has the potential to hurt you really badly just to get their own needs filled. It is easy to love someone when you truly believe that they would never hurt you, it is much harder when you KNOW they can. Your wife probaly believes, based on what she knows about the rest of your life with her, beyond the cheating that you are also capable of being a better man. If you both do the necessary work, the affair can be just an experience that happened in your marriage in the past. If you truly reconcile and truly heal and both of you truly make the changes necessary, you guys don't have to bleed over it for the rest of your lives.
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi Athena. Building character isn't something that overrides an 'unsolid' person. Rather it becomes them. They become it in the deepest recesses of their being. So doing the wrong becomes impossible in light of who they are. Not an imposed morality or a restraint against their free will... but becoming good... having solid character... has become intrinsic. They cannot help but do the good thing. Be it. Do it. Have it. I get it. I know it. But what I don't get or know, is how my H hasn't managed to get it at the ripe age of 49, through two marriages filled with several affairs. He SAYS (each time he's exposed, over and over) that he WANTS to be faithful, but then, when the choice becomes his in front of him, he chooses to have yet another affair. What's up with that?
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 so how do bs get to that point where you can truly begin to let happiness back in and heal enough to give the ws back some trust You know what? I was dumb enough to give WH enough trust back after enough time had gone by after a D-Day, for him to then turn around and carry on with his cheating. I DON'T WANT TO TRUST HIM AGAIN.
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 See, NS7, lets say for example that you and my H cheated the same number of times during the course of the present marriages... in my H's case 8 women... my H was bust after every couple of affairs... then bust after each and every affair since now I was on Alert and knew the Signs... whereas, on the other hand, you got off scott-free for all 8 affairs during your marriage (I am illustrating this, I don't know how many OW you had) and THEN when YOU were finally ready to quit/change your ways/ change your life... you told your wife and re-negotiated your marriage. So -- perhaps if my H had also gotten away with all 8 OW and THEN made up his mind to quit (like he says he has THIS time, cough, cough) and came and told me and I would NOW be giving him this 'chance' to change his ways.... but the poor guy was found out each time, and he <simply> wasn't ready to change then.. Might this be true?
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