When and how

[NOTSURE7]

Hi all, been awhile since i posted,things are going ok,we continue to build our relationship into a true,honest and real relationship through the devastation i have caused,its been 10 weeks now since dday..

 

My question is a general one and i know there is no real answer as everyone is different,but to the bs out there,when you have a ws who truly realizes that they hurt you and truly wants to make it right and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and attend to your needs and you know they are truly working hard and that they are truly remourseful..

 

under the circumstances my W is doing amazing but she is still in shock and sad and asking why and how etc etc,

 

so how do bs get to that point where you can truly begin to let happiness back in and heal enough to give the ws back some trust and give them hope that things can and will be ok..

 

i am interested to hear from bs as well as maybe some ws who have gone down this long road and how it turned out and when things took a turn for the better..

 

I have been doing everything right because i truly have found the love i need in my w and i want my m to be amazing and strong going forward but of course what i have done weighs heavily in all of this,my mc and ic both have said we are doing well and commend me on all that i have done to make my w feel special and to gain back trust but as always i am looking for ideas that may have worked for you as to how to make my W feel just a little better each and every day..

[Owl]

Months...or even more likely...years.

 

"They"...those mythical experts...say that it takes somewhere between 2 and 5 years for most marriages to recover from infidelity. IF they do.

 

Mine took about two...with nearly picture perfect conditions and actions on both sides.

 

That's not to say there won't be incremental improvements along the way...there's no sudden JUMP to a point where things are much better. It simply gets better day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year.

 

You are in a marathon race, my friend. It's not a sprint, and there's no finish line. No 'end goal' where you're going to say "Yep, we're HERE! We can relax now!".

 

Stop looking for that. Focus on the incremental improvements, focus on fixing what you can fix, addressing what you can address, and worry less about "when will it be better". Every single day it's a little better than it was the day before.

 

Now, somedays, it'll be worse.

 

But then you'll have some days where you take four steps ahead, instead of three.

 

It's not a race to the finish line...it's the journey that is the goal.

[NOTSURE7]

Months...or even more likely...years.

 

"They"...those mythical experts...say that it takes somewhere between 2 and 5 years for most marriages to recover from infidelity. IF they do.

 

Mine took about two...with nearly picture perfect conditions and actions on both sides.

 

That's not to say there won't be incremental improvements along the way...there's no sudden JUMP to a point where things are much better. It simply gets better day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year.

 

You are in a marathon race, my friend. It's not a sprint, and there's no finish line. No 'end goal' where you're going to say "Yep, we're HERE! We can relax now!".

 

Stop looking for that. Focus on the incremental improvements, focus on fixing what you can fix, addressing what you can address, and worry less about "when will it be better". Every single day it's a little better than it was the day before.

 

Now, somedays, it'll be worse.

 

But then you'll have some days where you take four steps ahead, instead of three.

 

It's not a race to the finish line...it's the journey that is the goal.

 

i appreciate that owl and what you say seems to be very true...

[freestyle]

Patience, Grasshopper.

 

It`s gonna be a long haul.

 

Please understand that certain things are going to "trigger" your wife for a long time to come. She might freak if you`re an hour late coming home.

 

If you can, try to see through her eyes.Understand ,that something that you might view as no big deal, such as being an hour late, in those 60 minutes, she may start to think the worst, and react accordingly.If/when that happens, it`s very important that you don`t react defensively, even if you're feeling put upon.

 

The onus will be on you for a long time.

 

Sounds like you're on a good path, now, I wish you my best. Owl's success story may serve as an inspiration for you. Things will never be what they were, but it is possible that your M could become even stronger than before.................................

[Molley]

NS7 – I’m a BS and once again separated from my WH (ugh… it’s like never ending déjà vu…) But my original D-Day was end of March and needless to say, my husband has done almost nothing to help me in my healing, in fact he’s progressively only made things worse because of his own turnmoil, shame, guilt and withdrawal…. BUT… this is your thread

 

Please remember, as OWL and others have said, this is a marathon, a very long process for you both to go through. I know you’re in a different space than your W right now, she’s still in the 1st stage of processing through what has happened, still probably in denial, grief and depression and to an extent and I’m sure blaming herself also. All natural and 10 weeks is really not that long to get through all of that muck.

 

What I noticed about myself is that the first couple of months, I could barely function, like your wife I was in shock and denial, total depression, and I was processing everything. But about month 3, I started feeling stronger and was able to realize that what happened was not because of something I had or hadn’t done, and I gained strength from that. Around month 4, well I began focusing on reconciliation with my husband. I’m now in month 6 and I’m feeling pretty strong and often even happy. Daily things get better. However, I realized that no one, not my husband (even if he had been around and supportive) could bring me out of my own grief and depression, I had to do it myself. I had to gather what little strength I had and focus on my own happiness, my own inner core. It was up to me. I think people forget that happiness and feeling secure with yourself is up to each individual, it not up to the FWS or family or close friends, it’s not MC or IC that will get your there… yes all of these things help support you in your recovery, but it’s up to you to pull yourself out of the grief and make yourself whole. And this does take time because all the other garbage needs to clear out a bit first.

[PhoenixRise]

Hi all, been awhile since i posted,things are going ok,we continue to build our relationship into a true,honest and real relationship through the devastation i have caused,its been 10 weeks now since dday..

 

My question is a general one and i know there is no real answer as everyone is different,but to the bs out there,when you have a ws who truly realizes that they hurt you and truly wants to make it right and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and attend to your needs and you know they are truly working hard and that they are truly remourseful..

 

under the circumstances my W is doing amazing but she is still in shock and sad and asking why and how etc etc,

 

so how do bs get to that point where you can truly begin to let happiness back in and heal enough to give the ws back some trust and give them hope that things can and will be ok..

 

i am interested to hear from bs as well as maybe some ws who have gone down this long road and how it turned out and when things took a turn for the better..

 

I have been doing everything right because i truly have found the love i need in my w and i want my m to be amazing and strong going forward but of course what i have done weighs heavily in all of this,my mc and ic both have said we are doing well and commend me on all that i have done to make my w feel special and to gain back trust but as always i am looking for ideas that may have worked for you as to how to make my W feel just a little better each and every day..

 

Notsure

 

I am really glad to hear that things are going so well for you and your wife.

 

For me, it took a little over a year for me to really start to feel

that the marriage would be ok and that I could be truly happy in it.

 

It took a lot of work and communication from both of us. AND it took a lot of self examiniation on my part.

 

Something that made me feel better....

 

My husband and I keep a joint journal. It started by accident. I started an new journal and my first entry was about our reconciliation and my feelings about us deciding to work on our marriage. H found the journal and read it. The next day he wrote an entry in the journal about his love for me and his joy that I was giving our M another chance, I responded with an entry about how I felt he was worth taking a chance on...... it started a tradition for us. It is not something we do on a schedule...just when we want to...we both write about our love for each other, our hopes for the future, how good our relationship feels....etc.

 

Nothing negative. Nothing about the affair.

 

Sometimes I look back at what we both have written and I am amazed that were were ever so distant that an affair happened in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

Patience and more patience.. Whatever you're doing is obviously working so keep on this path..And maybe stop wondering how long..It's different for everyone. Your wife is still on a rollercoaster and will be for some time.. All you can do is reassure her, be there for her, show her that you're in this for long haul and continue to work on you..Prove to her in actions that you are becoming the man, the husband and father you're meant to be.

 

She does love you..Alot.. Just be patient.

[PhoenixRise]

Patience and more patience.. Whatever you're doing is obviously working so keep on this path..And maybe stop wondering how long..It's different for everyone. Your wife is still on a rollercoaster and will be for some time.. All you can do is reassure her, be there for her, show her that you're in this for long haul and continue to work on you..Prove to her in actions that you are becoming the man, the husband and father you're meant to be.

 

She does love you..Alot.. Just be patient.

 

 

Let me echo this.

 

Continue to do what you are already doing. I think it is great that you are looking for different ways to make your wife feel special and better about the marriage. But be patient. Clearly your wife loves you.

[Snowflower]

NS7, it's good to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear things are going well in your new marriage.

 

If you recall, I am a BW at almost 10 months past d-day. So, in some ways I am still somewhat a newbie at reconciliation but in other ways I have been at this for quite awhile now.

 

When I first heard here that it could take at least 2 years to recover from an affair, I thought that it shouldn't or wouldn't take me/us that long. Now, I can see that this time frame is likely pretty accurate.

 

My husband has done everything humanly possible to make up for what he did and continues to work hard at our relationship. We were/are in a lot better place than some couples who try to recover their marriage from infidelity. I sincerely hope this is true for you and your wife, as well.

 

The rollercoaster of your wife's emotions will likely go on for quite awhile still but it does get better as time goes on. Owl did a very good job at describing it above.

 

Just be prepared for things to go well for awhile and then take some steps backward before going forward again.

 

I have noticed that right before I take a huge step forward in the process, that I often seem to go backward at first-regressing in my healing. I will go back to feeling so hurt, so sad for a period of time before moving in a positive direction again. I now equate it to getting a running start to make it over a hill-going backward to gain momentum and then clearing the next hurdle of recovery.

 

Right now I have gone backward quite a bit because I am at the one year mark of where my marriage went wrong-even though the one year anniversary of d-day is still a couple of months away. So, I am really on that rollercoaster right now.

 

Something tells me that for the next couple of months-the one year mark-will be the biggest mountain I have to climb. So, I try to remember that when I am feeling down and hopeless-like I am today.

 

As to how long it will take, I can't say because I am still in the process myself. A lot will depend on how your wife processes her feelings. Just keep being there for her, keep telling her that you love her-keep working to prove your trustworthiness and work on yourself-so that you can show your wife how much you've grown and changed as a result of this crisis.

[Snowflower]

Notsure

 

 

For me, it took a little over a year for me to really start to feel

that the marriage would be ok and that I could be truly happy in it.

 

 

PR, if you don't mind me asking, what changed for you after a little over a year where you finally felt better about your marriage?

 

My post above in response to NS7 explains how I am feeling at the one year mark of some very bad events. I am having a very rough time with the triggers these days. Even though one year from d-day won't be for another 2 months or so...I knew for quite awhile beforehand that my marriage was in serious trouble-didn't suspect the truth, the A until the very end. I feel I was fortunate that my husband didn't act like everything was normal during his A-it was obvious my marriage was in trouble and these memories are what I am dealing with now.

[mnm]

NS7

 

It is so strange that you posted this today. I am a BS and DDay has been 9 months ago. My H is exactly the way you sound. Remorseful, loving, patient, doing all the right things, but also frustrated.

 

We had a slightly heated conversation earlier today regarding a website I thought he had gotten on. After apologies, we were able to talk about my/his feelings. He gets frustrated w/ me b/c he is doing EVERYTHING possible to make it up to me, he has a hard time w/ me still hurting. I told him it takes time that it is better and gets better, but then I go backwards.

 

What everyone has said on here is true, please be patient, myself I feel bad that I can't just forget, b/c he is there for me and is doing all the right things.

 

Hang in there, it gets better. If it's only been 10 weeks, then there's a better road ahead.

[mnm]

NS7, it's good to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear things are going well in your new marriage.

 

If you recall, I am a BW at almost 10 months past d-day. So, in some ways I am still somewhat a newbie at reconciliation but in other ways I have been at this for quite awhile now.

 

When I first heard here that it could take at least 2 years to recover from an affair, I thought that it shouldn't or wouldn't take me/us that long. Now, I can see that this time frame is likely pretty accurate.

 

My husband has done everything humanly possible to make up for what he did and continues to work hard at our relationship. We were/are in a lot better place than some couples who try to recover their marriage from infidelity. I sincerely hope this is true for you and your wife, as well.

 

The rollercoaster of your wife's emotions will likely go on for quite awhile still but it does get better as time goes on. Owl did a very good job at describing it above.

 

Just be prepared for things to go well for awhile and then take some steps backward before going forward again.

 

I have noticed that right before I take a huge step forward in the process, that I often seem to go backward at first-regressing in my healing. I will go back to feeling so hurt, so sad for a period of time before moving in a positive direction again. I now equate it to getting a running start to make it over a hill-going backward to gain momentum and then clearing the next hurdle of recovery.

 

Right now I have gone backward quite a bit because I am at the one year mark of where my marriage went wrong-even though the one year anniversary of d-day is still a couple of months away. So, I am really on that rollercoaster right now.

 

Something tells me that for the next couple of months-the one year mark-will be the biggest mountain I have to climb. So, I try to remember that when I am feeling down and hopeless-like I am today.

 

As to how long it will take, I can't say because I am still in the process myself. A lot will depend on how your wife processes her feelings. Just keep being there for her, keep telling her that you love her-keep working to prove your trustworthiness and work on yourself-so that you can show your wife how much you've grown and changed as a result of this crisis.

 

I''m going through this right now as well. This is the time of year things started going south, I dread this winter.

 

It almost seems like we have to start all over, but then wants you hit bottom, get over the hill, it's so much better.

[foreal]

Hi NotSure, good to see you back and things are better for you and your W.

 

I am 5 months out as a BW. Like you, my H has been doing all the right things as far as transparent, caring etc etc, all the things a WS is supposed to do to earn back trust.

 

HOWEVER

 

Even with all that, i am still very hurt, very insecure as to where my M is, what my feelings are for my H, what might I feel for him in the future knowing he cheated on me and devastated me.

 

My H is growing weary. We had MC the other day, and normally he is a very in control, not emotional as far as anger goes....but he got angry in MC (for him angry, for me it was a blip of emotion!)....he was angry the morning of MC as well as he was frustrated that this seemed to be 'all about you', the BW....I started a thread on it in fact.

 

After MC, i was actually happy b/c my H finally told me his true feelings, something he's always had difficulty expressing....and it does make sense that the WS will get weary of all this...so I thanked him for sharing that with me...and I felt pretty good.

 

Then he went to IC that evening and came home with this:

 

IC who told him he is experiencing 'empathy, or compassion, fatigue'. IC explained to him that care givers often get this type of 'fatigue'...that having to be around all this sadness and trauma is getting to him and at some point he may just say F it and split...but that it was good he recognized it so he could address within himself, and then with me...his IC said, "You need to let your W know how you feel, she deserves a shot"....I almost yelled HALLELUJAH! Yes, gimme a shot!!! I wished he had last summer before he began his A.

 

He said he was not sure how much he could take- he did not reassure me he was strong enough to get thru this....all I was thinking? How's about trading your empathy fatigue for a mind DVD of me sucking off one of your friends for the last 10 months?

 

On the flip side of this, I made an appt with a Divorce atty for next week. I am unsure if H will be able to hang in there..if after 5 months he is already cracking, i don't see how he'll make it thru 1-3 years so I want to protect myself and my son and be prepared. I have not told him I am going to see the lawyer...I don't want to fatigue him with much of anything. Get it?

 

So, my advise? If you feel you are getting worn down, express that to your W, but be sure to follow it with " But no matter what, you are worth it, i am going nowhere!", then suck it up and move on...if you want a shot that is.

[PhoenixRise]

PR, if you don't mind me asking, what changed for you after a little over a year where you finally felt better about your marriage?

 

My post above in response to NS7 explains how I am feeling at the one year mark of some very bad events. I am having a very rough time with the triggers these days. Even though one year from d-day won't be for another 2 months or so...I knew for quite awhile beforehand that my marriage was in serious trouble-didn't suspect the truth, the A until the very end. I feel I was fortunate that my husband didn't act like everything was normal during his A-it was obvious my marriage was in trouble and these memories are what I am dealing with now.

 

Snowflower

 

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I think it is normal to still be triggered at this point.

 

When I say I am feeling better....well "better" is relative. I still get triggered from time to time....I don't live there though. I still think about the affair sometimes...it doesn't rip me to shreds anymore.

 

I think for me getting to this point has been a two track journey. On one track, my H has done the things necessary to show me he has changed, grown, loves me, and wants the marriage. On the other track there is that self examiniation I posted about to Notsure.

 

I would never say it to my H, but I have learned so much about myself and grown so much as a result of the affair. In fact, I made it my mission to do this. I was determined to not let all the pain I was feeling be for nothing.....

 

So at this point, I am not afraid that he will cheat again so my triggers are about remembering a fact of something that happened in our past, not about feeling those feelings of pain and fear again. Not saying he absolutely Won't cheat (I don't think he will), but just saying that if he does, My World Will Not End. I will be devestated. I will be angry. I will probaly post here for lots of sypmathy. But at the end of the day, I will live, and even better than that....I will have a good life and he will be left to live with himself.

 

Snow, I don't know if this is helping you at all so I will just say

Trust Yourself.

 

Is there any way that you can think of to rewrite the coming months so that in your mind they are associated with the life you are living now and the relationship you have with your husband now? Can you and your H take a trip or start a new joint project? What can you do that will make this time about your NEW marriage?

 

((((Snowflower))))))

 

I hope this gets better for you.

[PhoenixRise]

(((Foreal)))

 

I am so sorry about your H attitude.

 

I think it is true that sometimes IC and MC can work at cross purposes.

 

Bottom Line, Hubby needs to man up and deal with the mess he made if he wants to save his marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

How long did you cheat? I am not asking this to be snotty, but I read an article recently that said for every year a WS cheats, you can expect 6-7 months healing time. As others have said, patience. She isn't just dealing with your infidelity, but her own issues of being able to trust her own judgement. That takes even more time.

[foreal]

Thanks Phoenix

 

I am really down. I hope Not2Sure can learn from my idiot H's actions.

 

I realize I have been relentless at times as far as my emotions go b/c of the A, but it irks me to no end that he has the nerve to say HE is the one fatigued and may not be able to take much more!!!!!..I mean CMON!! I can understand fatigue, but grow some balls and man up....I am looking forward to talking with the atty...thanks again Phoenix

[Spark1111]

Foreal. my husband said the same thing! Early on too.

 

I think he was so over the affair that he hard time dealing with how shocked I was to even learn of its existence. It was as if he had moved on, but I was still stuck at ground zero, and would be for a long time.

 

We were not at the same place. But how could we be?

 

Notsure....

 

I agree with the posters who say, three steps forward, four steps back.

 

That is exactly how it seels/felt like.

 

I remember asking him, "Are your expectations that I will recover in a shorter period of time than it took you to have the affair? Because I do not think that is realistic."

 

And I remember his response: "I love you. I chose you. What, if no matter what I do, it is never enough for you?"

 

It was too soon for me, for that question. I responded, "you do whatever you think is right, and necessary, for us. There are no guarantees what OUR future holds."

 

I was not ready to commit to a future with him. Too soon, too soon for him to want reassurances from me!!!

 

Is this what you want from your BS? And what if you NEVER get it? Would you stop the efforts you are making in that behalf?

 

And why?

[Athena]

so how do bs get to that point where you can truly begin to let happiness back in and heal enough to give the ws back some trust and give them hope that things can and will be ok..

 

There is a simple answer to this NS7: Time and Consistency.

 

When you are consistently behaving the way your wife needs you to be (open, honest, loving, trustworthy), over a period of Time, your wife will begin to see that the consistency reflects YOU and your character and begin to trust you once again.

 

Do what you are doing, and in time you will earn her trust back.

[Athena]

Similarly, with a WS, when s/he changes their behavior and behaves openly, lovingly, trustworthy, etc, but over TIME s/he ends up cheating again, then Trust is lost once again. So, it's quick and easy to make some short-term changes and to correct one's Behavior and Do and Say the 'right things'. It's quite another thing to keep it up!

 

Really, the only Way To Tell, is with Time.

[Athena]

Is this from personal experience?

What on earth do you mean by this question?!

 

By the way, are you still divorcing your husband?

Not today

[Athena]

Are you saying you want to continue be married to this serial cheater?

 

Just stop it, okay? This is not my thread, and neither is it yours.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower

 

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I think it is normal to still be triggered at this point.

 

When I say I am feeling better....well "better" is relative. I still get triggered from time to time....I don't live there though. I still think about the affair sometimes...it doesn't rip me to shreds anymore.

 

I think for me getting to this point has been a two track journey. On one track, my H has done the things necessary to show me he has changed, grown, loves me, and wants the marriage. On the other track there is that self examiniation I posted about to Notsure.

 

I would never say it to my H, but I have learned so much about myself and grown so much as a result of the affair. In fact, I made it my mission to do this. I was determined to not let all the pain I was feeling be for nothing.....

 

So at this point, I am not afraid that he will cheat again so my triggers are about remembering a fact of something that happened in our past, not about feeling those feelings of pain and fear again. Not saying he absolutely Won't cheat (I don't think he will), but just saying that if he does, My World Will Not End. I will be devestated. I will be angry. I will probaly post here for lots of sypmathy. But at the end of the day, I will live, and even better than that....I will have a good life and he will be left to live with himself.

 

Snow, I don't know if this is helping you at all so I will just say

Trust Yourself.

 

Is there any way that you can think of to rewrite the coming months so that in your mind they are associated with the life you are living now and the relationship you have with your husband now? Can you and your H take a trip or start a new joint project? What can you do that will make this time about your NEW marriage?

 

((((Snowflower))))))

 

I hope this gets better for you.

 

Thanks, Phoenix for your words of support.

 

I actually have been thinking about many of the same things that you post above. I have worked a lot on myself--figuring out what it is I want, becoming a better person, etc.

 

I have been determined not to let what my husband did be a major part of my life or who I am. It is but a small part of my experience and I refuse to let it have that much power over me. This is something I have learned along the way.

 

I also find that I don't worry much about whether or not my husband will cheat on me again or not. I actually don't think he will-it sounds funny but he has grown so much and matured so much from this crisis that I believe he is LESS LIKELY to cheat than ever.

 

If I am wrong, then I'll deal with it when it happens. There are no guarantees in life and this is where I have learned to just let go of things and not worry about it. Sure, it would hurt and I would be devastated but I would get through it and move on. However, I don't worry about it because it is unlikely.

 

But again, thank you for taking the time to respond, Phoenix.

 

NS7, I apologize for the t/j. I hope things are going well for you and your wife, too. Please update us when you have a chance.

[NOTSURE7]

thank you all for your advice, i appreciate it..

 

i like to pose these questions eventhough i know there is no true answer and that each situation although having similarities are never the same but i do like to gain persepctive from others who have gone down this road in one form or another...

 

i really feel that i have made progress and thats the important thing,i have made progress within myself and since dday me and my w continue to make progress..

 

I feel that as long as i get up each day and i make it the best day possible for our m and for my w then the rest will come in time,i am truly commited and have no plans on letting up.

 

as far as my w,she has shown improvemets towards me even in the relatively short time since dday, i know the tremendous pain and sadness and hurt are there at all times but i beleive she realizes that i am so sorry and that i love her and most of all she knows that i want her and my m to not only work but to be stronger and more complete.she is truly doing the best she can under the circumstances.

 

when i ask these questions it is because the pain and the sadness i have caused my w are sometimes too much for me, i begin to feel bad about myself and slip into a sort of depressive mode,i know this is not beneficial for me or my w and i quickly try to snap out of it for everyones sake. so in a way when i ask these questions i am hoping someone will say her pain goes away but im a realist,you cant hurt someone and take away there whole existence and expect them to just bounce back.

 

my w is just so sad and also scared of my capabilities and the fact that maybe i will do this again to her,along with the questions of why and how, i continue to resassure her as best i can that it will never happen again and that none of this was her fault but i know that i must continue to work on myself in ic and together in mc to ensure complete success.i realize this is a marathon and not a 5k...

 

anyway that is where i am at, as always i appreciate any ideas or tips to help make my it just a little better if possble..

[FreezorBurn]

I have noticed that right before I take a huge step forward in the process, that I often seem to go backward at first-regressing in my healing. I will go back to feeling so hurt, so sad for a period of time before moving in a positive direction again. I now equate it to getting a running start to make it over a hill-going backward to gain momentum and then clearing the next hurdle of recovery.

 

I am 2 months after d-day of my wifes EA and

 

I CAN'T STAND THIS ROLLERCOASTER!

I WANT OFF NOW!

 

I am considering Divorce becuase I need to be free of these emotional swings. I have feelings of hate, resentment and Pain. Then like last night My wife and I have wonderfull loving sex for an hour and I feel like we are togather again.