algo Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi everyone, I just registered because I need help with my relationship. My current girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years, we both met when we were young (high school age) and have been together ever since. Things are up and down, but it seems like the ups are a lot smaller and the downs are a lot deeper. We have lived together for a few years and share bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, etc. We get along fine until something comes up, then it's back to arguing. I admit that I am at fault for half of the issues, but my girlfriend seems to not take blame for her half, stating "it's not about right or wrong." There are many little things that I can list but one that happened just yesterday is still fresh in my mind... I work a lot (I am a computer programmer in the finance field -- lots of hours with decent pay) and I am trying to cut back with help from her, but sometimes extra hours are needed as we all know. If I say I am going to be home at 7pm and I end up taking some extra time, I am awful and inconsiderate and everything. Yesterday, my girlfriend told me she would be home at 3 or 4pm, and I would be home between 5:30 and 6pm. I get home at 5:45 and she is not there, her bag is there and all of her stuff but she is not. I call her at 6:10pm and she doesn't answer, she calls back right away but hangs up and walks in the front door. I ask her where she was and she said she went to work for an hour, asking me what the big deal is. I say that if I do the same thing, I am wrong for not saying I would be home late and not letting her know. I told her I was upset and she rolled her eyes and said I was treating her like a 5 year old, and took it to the extreme and said "so from now on I'll tell you exactly where I'm going when I'm going and when I'll be back." Also, I am into photography and said we should go out Saturday, since it will be nice and sunny, to take some pictures. We both agreed to do this and two days ago she let me know she's staying over her friend's place in Manhattan since they're having a party and she was going to the San Gennaro festival on Saturday with her friends since she hasn't seen them for a while. I told her we had plans and she told me she thought they were Sunday and asked why can't they be Sunday? Like I said before, if we had plans and I double booked to hang out with my friends, I would be hearing it for days. We both want different things and we know this -- she wants to get married before 30 (she is 21 now) and I really don't want to get married at this stage in my life (I'm 24) but I figured if I am ready to do it I will. She wants to travel the world as much as she can and I'm fine where I am. I am trying to plan for retirement and she thinks it's a stupid idea since we need the money more now than we do later. Another issue that bothers me to this day is one of our mutual friends asked her if she wanted to spend a few nights in NJ to see a food festival. This was all done behind my back until she told me she was going to go. I was not okay with this (seriously, I asked a lot of people and they all agreed with me.. it is not cool to ask someone's girlfriend to spend a weekend in a hotel away from the boyfriend) and told her this and she called me crazy and controlling, how she should be the person to be asked (rather than the friend asking me if it was okay for him to ask her) and it should be up to her to decide if she can go initially, then to bring the issue to me, rather than ask me first. I told her I'm thinking of moving back in with my parents in Virginia (we're in NY right now) and she said "okay if that's what you want." I really don't know what to do anymore -- I've grown up with her and am not sure what to do these days -- is there anything to salvage or is it time to go?
mem11363 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Any woman who is going to go spend a few nights in a hotel with another male - is OVER her current guy. She is OVER you but financially stuck because - let me guess you are by far the primary breadwinner. Why would you derail your career and move in with mom and dad? That makes no sense to me. The better you do career wise, the easier/smoother relationships will be. The "presence" of money doesn't make someone love you, but a shortage of money sure can cause someone to stop loving you if you are the primary breadwinner. Hi everyone, I just registered because I need help with my relationship. My current girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years, we both met when we were young (high school age) and have been together ever since. Things are up and down, but it seems like the ups are a lot smaller and the downs are a lot deeper. We have lived together for a few years and share bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, etc. We get along fine until something comes up, then it's back to arguing. I admit that I am at fault for half of the issues, but my girlfriend seems to not take blame for her half, stating "it's not about right or wrong." There are many little things that I can list but one that happened just yesterday is still fresh in my mind... I work a lot (I am a computer programmer in the finance field -- lots of hours with decent pay) and I am trying to cut back with help from her, but sometimes extra hours are needed as we all know. If I say I am going to be home at 7pm and I end up taking some extra time, I am awful and inconsiderate and everything. Yesterday, my girlfriend told me she would be home at 3 or 4pm, and I would be home between 5:30 and 6pm. I get home at 5:45 and she is not there, her bag is there and all of her stuff but she is not. I call her at 6:10pm and she doesn't answer, she calls back right away but hangs up and walks in the front door. I ask her where she was and she said she went to work for an hour, asking me what the big deal is. I say that if I do the same thing, I am wrong for not saying I would be home late and not letting her know. I told her I was upset and she rolled her eyes and said I was treating her like a 5 year old, and took it to the extreme and said "so from now on I'll tell you exactly where I'm going when I'm going and when I'll be back." Also, I am into photography and said we should go out Saturday, since it will be nice and sunny, to take some pictures. We both agreed to do this and two days ago she let me know she's staying over her friend's place in Manhattan since they're having a party and she was going to the San Gennaro festival on Saturday with her friends since she hasn't seen them for a while. I told her we had plans and she told me she thought they were Sunday and asked why can't they be Sunday? Like I said before, if we had plans and I double booked to hang out with my friends, I would be hearing it for days. We both want different things and we know this -- she wants to get married before 30 (she is 21 now) and I really don't want to get married at this stage in my life (I'm 24) but I figured if I am ready to do it I will. She wants to travel the world as much as she can and I'm fine where I am. I am trying to plan for retirement and she thinks it's a stupid idea since we need the money more now than we do later. Another issue that bothers me to this day is one of our mutual friends asked her if she wanted to spend a few nights in NJ to see a food festival. This was all done behind my back until she told me she was going to go. I was not okay with this (seriously, I asked a lot of people and they all agreed with me.. it is not cool to ask someone's girlfriend to spend a weekend in a hotel away from the boyfriend) and told her this and she called me crazy and controlling, how she should be the person to be asked (rather than the friend asking me if it was okay for him to ask her) and it should be up to her to decide if she can go initially, then to bring the issue to me, rather than ask me first. I told her I'm thinking of moving back in with my parents in Virginia (we're in NY right now) and she said "okay if that's what you want." I really don't know what to do anymore -- I've grown up with her and am not sure what to do these days -- is there anything to salvage or is it time to go?
Author algo Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Any woman who is going to go spend a few nights in a hotel with another male - is OVER her current guy. She is OVER you but financially stuck because - let me guess you are by far the primary breadwinner. She didn't go because I made a big issue of it, she said it shouldn't be a problem since we've known the guy for a few years and nothing would happen. Oh and, she said she would have gotten her own hotel room, but still.. Why would you derail your career and move in with mom and dad? That makes no sense to me. The better you do career wise, the easier/smoother relationships will be. The "presence" of money doesn't make someone love you, but a shortage of money sure can cause someone to stop loving you if you are the primary breadwinner. Best thing about being a programmer in this field is I can work remotely
mem11363 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Do you think this "guy" is purely a friend? Or is he "interested" in her? Because I sure as heck wouldn't ask a purely platonic woman friend to go somewhere with me for a few nights if I knew she was in a LTR. Separate from that. With regard to arguments. I would not for a second suggest I win half the arguments in our house. I don't. But when I feel like I am being jerked around I exert myself in a focused way until wife either apologizes or I feel like I have inflicted enough pain via emotional indifference to get the message across. But maybe I am just totally wrong and she: - Wants to marry you and is angry you won't - The hotel trip was just an attempt to make you jealous/pay more attention, etc I WILL tell you that getting married at your ages is statistically a bust. So I think you are smart not to. As for the spender/saver thing. Is she focusing either on increasing her income or helping you to find other places in the budget to save, to help fund some really nice travel/trips? I only ask because their are partners who are part of the solution, and partners who dump the problems on "you" and then complain when you don't solve them to their satisfaction. That would be a totally normal thing for a 21 year old to do - but many people never grow out of that. She didn't go because I made a big issue of it, she said it shouldn't be a problem since we've known the guy for a few years and nothing would happen. Oh and, she said she would have gotten her own hotel room, but still.. Best thing about being a programmer in this field is I can work remotely
Author algo Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Do you think this "guy" is purely a friend? Or is he "interested" in her? Because I sure as heck wouldn't ask a purely platonic woman friend to go somewhere with me for a few nights if I knew she was in a LTR. Yeah I truly think the guy is platonic, he knew she really wanted to go to it and she was NOT the first person he asked. I kind of feel bad because now the friend and I do not talk but what do you expect? Separate from that. With regard to arguments. I would not for a second suggest I win half the arguments in our house. I don't. But when I feel like I am being jerked around I exert myself in a focused way until wife either apologizes or I feel like I have inflicted enough pain via emotional indifference to get the message across. But maybe I am just totally wrong and she: - Wants to marry you and is angry you won't - The hotel trip was just an attempt to make you jealous/pay more attention, etc I WILL tell you that getting married at your ages is statistically a bust. So I think you are smart not to. As for the spender/saver thing. Is she focusing either on increasing her income or helping you to find other places in the budget to save, to help fund some really nice travel/trips? I only ask because their are partners who are part of the solution, and partners who dump the problems on "you" and then complain when you don't solve them to their satisfaction. That would be a totally normal thing for a 21 year old to do - but many people never grow out of that. No, she is not a typical 21 year old (how many times do you hear that? ). We have worked through a LOT, we are both VERY responsible for our ages and have done a lot together and developed a strong foundation together. Right now we have a combined credit card debt of around 8-9k, but we have been managing it very admirably.. no missed payments, not paying just the minimum, etc. I aim to one day have 0 credit card debt but she is telling me she does not picture a day like that. I admit that she wants to spend money on important things, her grandmother is flying her to Italy for a week and she wants to buy things over there, but I am telling her to save up for it rather than put us more in debt. Deaf ears
mem11363 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 What is your "net" percent of after tax income saved each year? The sane thing to do in your situation is to argue about whether you are going to save 10% or 15% or more of your after tax income. But many people get lost in the lunacy of all the things they are "entitled to" and end up puting 10K in a retirement fund while at the same time putting 10K in debt on their cards. I DID what you do - software for financial services. It was really good. But when I took a package 2 years ago at 44, I was completely relaxed because for 22 years we had been saving. In a bad year we saved 15%, in a good year way more than that. I can't retire, but I no longer need to earn a serious "corporate salary". I am thinking about teaching highschool math. My wife totally supports that idea. You could get there in 20 years, but not with your current mindset and (sorry) but likely not with your current partner. Yeah I truly think the guy is platonic, he knew she really wanted to go to it and she was NOT the first person he asked. I kind of feel bad because now the friend and I do not talk but what do you expect? No, she is not a typical 21 year old (how many times do you hear that? ). We have worked through a LOT, we are both VERY responsible for our ages and have done a lot together and developed a strong foundation together. Right now we have a combined credit card debt of around 8-9k, but we have been managing it very admirably.. no missed payments, not paying just the minimum, etc. I aim to one day have 0 credit card debt but she is telling me she does not picture a day like that. I admit that she wants to spend money on important things, her grandmother is flying her to Italy for a week and she wants to buy things over there, but I am telling her to save up for it rather than put us more in debt. Deaf ears
Lauriebell82 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 If you have different plans for your life that will come to blows at some point. BUT for right now you seem to be on the same page about committment (not wanting to get married right now). That's a plus. It sounds like you guys just have some "couple issues" that need to be worked through..and it can happen. Sit down and come up with a plan. Work out a system for hanging out with friends. Come to an understanding or compromise. Your relationship has lasted 8 years and you are both young so you MUST have some communication skills to last that long. About the issue regarding the hotel room: My take on that is that she has the right to make plans with others. Also she doesn't need your permission, you arent her keeper or parent. It is considerate to ask your signficant other what they think about it, however. Now was this a dude who asked her to spend a weekend in a hotel room? Will others be there? I can see how you would be weirded out by that and there would definately need to be a conversation of the sort. But her friend shouldn't be required to ask your permission really. Although it would have been considerate, it isn't his job to do that. I can see her point. The solution for the future would be that if she is going to be spending nights away with male friends (which that would be weird I know) then she should bring it to you after discussing it with her friend and you can voice your concerns that way and decide what the TWO OF YOU should do about it, as a joint couple. It's very easy to communicate and solve problems but it takes practice.
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 She's well on her way out of the relationship. Time to do some investigating. She's young, very young, and flighty. She is not taking into consideration your feelings and is dismissing you, most likely because there is someone else she is interested in.
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