We both want the same thing - and that's the problem!

[VegMidori]

I recently married a kind, honest, wonderful man, and I did this knowing that the sex would not be my absolute ideal. We have been together for two years. I have dated extremely sexually skilled and generous men in the past, but I came to believe that men who are such virtuosos came to be so by having many sexual partners, and will continue to need many sexual partners in the future. Exhibit A: these guys are now long gone. My husband is not. He is a sweet, gentle person who enjoys sex, but would be just as happy to watch sports on TV if sex isn't in the cards. We are similar in some respects, in that we are both committed to monogamy, and also, unfortunately, that we both prefer being the recipients of seduction and pleasure rather than the givers. When either of us is aggressive, it is briefly and lightly, in hopes that the other person will soon take over. Often, I do take over, because I know my husband has lower back problems, and because I know it probably won't happen the other way, and I'd rather go ahead and get it over with so I can go to sleep. I know that sounds awful, but it's the reality of married life at times. We are both in our early thirties.

 

I have tried talking to my husband about this issue without framing it as a huge problem, because there are other stresses in our lives (a recent move, job stress, etc.), and I generally feel that coming to someone and saying, "There is a huge problem with our sex life," will just make things worse. I have succeeded in letting him know that riding him is physically tiring for me, and that while I'm happy to do it at times, I certainly cannot climax that way. (For him, being on top is just as tiring, and although he CAN easily climax on top of me, for him, there is the additional issue of potential back pain.) I don't want to request that he do anything that is exhausting to him (namely, being more sexually dominant, getting on top more, and using more force), both because I care about him and because I don't think I could get pleasure out of something he was painfully forcing himself to do. We're left in a situation in which he receives pleasure about once or twice a week, and I receive it about once or twice a month. (I have pleasure much more often that that through self-stimulation.) He's stated (recently and throughout the relationship) that he is happy with our sex life, which is surprising, but speaks to the simplicity of his needs.

 

I am in this marriage for keeps even I have to give up on increasing my sexual pleasure and just focus on the other aspects of the relationship, but is there anything I can do to get us more in synch? We seem to be at an impasse, since I don't know how to change my sexual desires, and I'm sure he doesn't, either. Should I be more assertive in asking for what I want, despite my doubts that I will receive pleasure from what he gives so unhappily, just so the score will be even? If nothing else, is there a way to make the cowgirl position less strenuous, or to make him climax more quickly so it will be over sooner? (He doesn't take especially long to climax, but the sooner the better when my knees are killing me.) The one area where we do fine is oral sex, which I give happily as long as I'm not absolutely exhausted, and which is pretty good from the other side, too, but I don't want us to be one-trick ponies.

[quankanne]

would a sex manual illustrating different positions help? if you experiment with different styles, surely you'll find something that won't stress his back or your bones!

 

and and and ... you can take turns surprising each other with a new move, kinda shake things up a bit AND get him to initiate lovemaking more

[VegMidori]

Thanks, guys! Last night, he spontaneously announced that he would like to try to make sex better for me, which was a great step. Looking at other positions is a good idea; I have done it before, but maybe with less a focus on Google searches for "least strenuous woman superior," I'd do better. Surprising each other with a new position each week is a good idea, as are props. I think I would like to invest in one of the latter if I can find one that's not too expensive.

 

Thanks again!

[VegMidori]

You make a good point, Sad in Texas. Thanks for taking the time to think about my problem. There's also a psychological component at play here. It's not only that my husband can't exert himself physically, but that he is not very aggressive or seductive. However, he is genuinely showing more interest, and I want to meet him halfway or more. Finding physical solutions, as you suggest, is a great idea. We'll work on it tonight. :-)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First, unless there was a serious injury, a bad back in your early 30's that can not be treated is highly unusual.

 

Second, has he or you done or discussed oral? How about toys? Does he know you are not orgasming and talking about it? Your married and don't have kids and comment about time or opportunity.

 

Sorry there is no excuse if this is important to you not to discuss in your 30's....

[Butterflying]

Wow! I guess this is what they mean when they say, "You can't have it all." It doesn't sound to me like there is anything you can do except change your perception.

 

Back problems last forever and they get worse as the person gets older. So your husband will eventually NEVER be on top. Therefore, you have to learn to LOVE being on top. Otherwise, there is no hope.

[bhweller]

its funny that everyone is missing the bigger problem here, and that is the perceived lack of dominance from the husband.

[boldjack]

OP, what have you done to address his back problems? Are these problems solvable? If so, I would concentrate on getting him more healthy, and then see if the sex improves. Maybe his lack of initiative is mostly due to his discomfort and less about his attitude. Looking at some of the "how-to", sex websites can also help, You won't always have to do "cowgirl", there are others that reduce strain on both of you. Good Luck

[Toodamnpragmatic]

its funny that everyone is missing the bigger problem here, and that is the perceived lack of dominance from the husband.

 

 

Of course that is part of the problem and a given. He seems awfully oblivious to sex and his spouses needs. However there are a multitude of issues they need to work through.....

[tnhusband]

Do you think you could get your husband to change his persona in the bedroom by roleplaying?

 

I used to be very easy-going in the bedroom but found through roleplaying I could become much more aggressive - go outside my normal boundaries.

 

Now I don't even need to actually roleplay - if she's in a submissive mood I can quite easily get in a dominant mood . - The inhibitions have gone.

 

And sometimes we reverse things.

[VegMidori]

Update:

 

We haven't tried props yet, though that combined with new positions will be my next goal. I have been hesitant to suggest anything that isn't a variation on the woman-superior, since I view anything else as a request for him to do work, which isn't sexy. At least, because I would be upset if he started coming up for new ways for me to do more work in the bedroom, I have assumed he feels the same way, but perhaps he doesn't. His recent statements have led me to believe that it might be okay. (If he would be okay with it, a swing sounds especially fun.) Nonetheless, since woman-superior will likely remain a mainstay of our sex life, I am continuing to look for appropriate props. Most of the suggestions I've seen on the product websites are to use the props to make woman-superior sex "more stimulating" for the woman, which isn't exactly what I'm looking for. It's already, arguably, too stimulating, depending on how one interprets that word. I'm looking for ways to make it easier, perhaps with something for me to grab onto so that I can more effectively use my arms to aid in thrusting, taking some burden off my knees. I good headboard might do it; we currently have a bed with no head- or footboard.

 

Last night, my husband surprised me with a massage and a romantic evening. He also got on top of me for sex, which was good. (He has repeatedly said, over the past few days, that being on top doesn't hurt him as much as I think it does, and that he is willing to do it more.) I was really wowed and touched by his effort. He does have a serious injury; a few years ago, he sprained his lower back, and it led to arthritis. He does not usually experience pain, but a few months ago, after helping a relative move furniture, he had a bad relapse and was on the floor for over a week.

 

Toodamnpragmatic, yes, we are both pretty good at oral. We do that several times a month, limited only by my long periods and our busy schedules, which could be made less busy by giving up a few movies and video games. So, things definitely aren't as bad as they could be.

 

Boldjack, yes, we need to get him to the gym more often. He has had physical therapy in the past, and there are prescribed stretches he is supposed to do daily, and more often as needed. I usually only remind him to do them when I can see that his back is not straight. There are strengthening exercises that he needs good equipment to do, but we haven't joined another gym since we moved a month ago. (He didn't go to our old gym all that often, either, unfortunately, in part because he didn't think the machines were right for him.)

 

bhweller, well, there are multiple problems here, and I appreciate anyone giving the advice that most fits their area of expertise. We have his back, my lack of athleticism, and our shared need to be the recipient. We are slightly different in that while I would enjoy being outright dominated (not in the harshest possible sense, but something short of being injured), his desire is simply to be the recipient of pleasure. My best idea currently is to encourage him to "make" me give him oral, which we have occasionally done. The whole idea of being dominant is so counter to his personality that I have little hope for the effectiveness of simply playing that way.

 

In summary, things are getting better, I appreciate the ideas so far, and if anyone has anything else to add, feel free!

[VegMidori]

Do you think you could get your husband to change his persona in the bedroom by roleplaying?

 

I used to be very easy-going in the bedroom but found through roleplaying I could become much more aggressive - go outside my normal boundaries.

 

Now I don't even need to actually roleplay - if she's in a submissive mood I can quite easily get in a dominant mood . - The inhibitions have gone.

 

And sometimes we reverse things.

 

Hmmm! I am intrigued to hear that this actually worked for you. Please advise. I have occasionally asked non-dominant boyfriends to spank me in the past, and it was never that great, so I got used to having "vanilla" sex with that type of guy, while being happily surprised when other guys wanted to pull my hair, push me down, order me around, etc. I let them know I liked it, but otherwise, let them act spontaneously.

 

This, however, is not my boyfriend, but the one lover I'll have for the rest of my life, so...might as well try your idea. Neither of us has any background in acting; how much into a separate "character" do you suggest we get? Should I literally pretend that I am (for example) a secretary who stole money from the company, and he literally that he is my boss, punishing me? Or should we be more generic, with him pretending (or not pretending) that he is the real him, who has just decided to do x, y, or z to me for some more realistic reason? Which kind of thing worked better for you?

 

Sorry if this is too graphic for some - I am hoping tnhusband can handle this discussion, but it may be more than some of you bargained for.

[Knittress]

its funny that everyone is missing the bigger problem here, and that is the perceived lack of dominance from the husband.

 

That was my thought - if it's a mental/emotional aspect of sex that's the problem, then doing it from another angle isn't going to help all that much.

 

I don't have anything helpful to offer other than the comment that 'I hear ya'... sometimes I'd be begging to just be thrown against something and my guy would be cringing and complaining about how he "liked it nice." Other than lackluster sex (and my increasing aggravation over it) I felt like he was a soulmate. I couldn't tell whether this was the cause or merely a symptom of our eventual demise.