kkii123 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi, I would really appreciate any advice. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 8 years and three years ago I went to England to do a masters and now i am working here. We had plans (me and her) to get married and then she comes here. However, she started changing her mind early this year and I suspected that she might have met someone else. the problem is when i got my new job i was so busy and we barely talked for three month (just regular telephone calls every 2 days). i know that this was wrong but this was the best i could do back then. I discovered a chat between my gf and a friend of hers and my gf was chatting about how confused is she about me and another guy she loves. i told her i saw it and she said that this is nothing and she likes him and that's it and she won't tlk to him anymore. after 1 year without seeing each others, I saw her and we had good times but i discovered that she still in contact with him! when i confronted her. she begged for forgivness and asked me to give her another chance cos the first time we were apart ok. i forgave her and gave her another chance. but i asked her to tell me everything. So she did.. she confessed having a physical and emotional relationship with the guy and now it is over and she wants me and only me.. I know i was away and she needed me back then and i wasn't close but now i am and she is better with me and she is trying her best to show me her love.. i don't know if I should believe her. and if i believe her, how can i forget? even if i forgive, how can i trust? what shall i ask from her? I know that I still love her so much but i also know that i am lost and i have no idea what to do..
northstar1 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi, I would really appreciate any advice. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 8 years and three years ago I went to England to do a masters and now i am working here. We had plans (me and her) to get married and then she comes here. However, she started changing her mind early this year and I suspected that she might have met someone else. the problem is when i got my new job i was so busy and we barely talked for three month (just regular telephone calls every 2 days). i know that this was wrong but this was the best i could do back then. I discovered a chat between my gf and a friend of hers and my gf was chatting about how confused is she about me and another guy she loves. i told her i saw it and she said that this is nothing and she likes him and that's it and she won't tlk to him anymore. after 1 year without seeing each others, I saw her and we had good times but i discovered that she still in contact with him! when i confronted her. she begged for forgivness and asked me to give her another chance cos the first time we were apart ok. i forgave her and gave her another chance. but i asked her to tell me everything. So she did.. she confessed having a physical and emotional relationship with the guy and now it is over and she wants me and only me.. I know i was away and she needed me back then and i wasn't close but now i am and she is better with me and she is trying her best to show me her love.. i don't know if I should believe her. and if i believe her, how can i forget? even if i forgive, how can i trust? what shall i ask from her? I know that I still love her so much but i also know that i am lost and i have no idea what to do.. sorry to hear this man. that is rough. however, she chose to cheat on you, and that is what you really have to ask yourself, will you be able to trust her ever again? the entire distance = excuse for cheating is crap though. if the distance (both the physical, and the apparent communication distance) was causing her distress or to second guess the relationship, she should have discussed it with you, not ended up in the arms of another man, and then cover it up for so long. sounds like this girl has a pattern of lying to you, and that to me would be enough for me to walk away for good. doesn't seem like there was a solid foundation of trust upon which your relationship existed. i know you love her, and have a history, but based on everything you know, can you forgive and forget? that is what you need to come to terms with.
Rollercoasterr Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 The thing about this is that you don't know if she's telling the truth. You've been away. You don't know if that's the only guy she had been seeing. And also, the first thing that cheaters say when they're caught(if they don't want to be caught and don't want to end the relationship just yet), is that it's over and they realized they want you and only you. Bull crap. If she wanted you and only you then she wouldn't have cheated. There's nothing that you've done in the year that she hasn't seen you to make her have this stunning revelation that no other man could come close to you. So she's lying on that. She wont stop seeing him, I can almost guarantee you that. And if it's not him, it'll be someone else. People who cheat in LDRs really get to me. I mean, that's the lowest of the low. Not that all cheating isn't low, but it hurts especially to know that you weren't around and that your SO pretty much had free reign to do whatever he/she wanted. All cheaters are scum to me. She wont change. She has a history of lying to you.
iforgotit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You must really love her to forgive her. Personally I can't stand cheaters. Even though I love my boyfriend to death, I don't know how I would take it if he cheated on me. I know he loves girls but I also trust him and we talk at least twice a day. (SKYPE IS GREAT!). I have thought about how it would be if he cheated. My world would seriously collapse. I think you have given your gf enough chances so if she does it again she will never learn. I also know that if she loves him... It will be hard to get over him as well. Personal experience... It took me 1 year to get fully over my ex (we had only been together for 1 month. but knew each other for 2 years). Not even my new current bf could make me totally forget about him. Nothing happen though. But still.. keep that in mind.. you might be sharing your heart...
TMichaels Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 i don't know if I should believe her. and if i believe her, how can i forget? even if i forgive, how can i trust? what shall i ask from her? I know that I still love her so much but i also know that i am lost and i have no idea what to do.. kkii123, Yeah, sure. Sometimes people make mistakes. But, generally, two people in a committed relationship don't take chances on ruining what they have -- especially if they are planning to be a couple, permanently. Your g/f was wrong all the way around in what she did (from having the affair, keeping it from you, and not leveling with you in the first place that the distance was too much and she needed more). No matter how much she claims she is sorry or will never do it again, the fact remains that she did. What's more, if you hadn't have happened to have stumbled across a conversation with one of her friends, you would have been none the wiser that all of this had gone on. Definitely *not* a good foundation for a loving and lasting relationship and you have every right to be hurt, have doubts and feel like a lost little lamb. Yes, LDRs are hard -- but that kind of behavior says to me she's uncertain about whether "you're the one" -- or she wouldn't have risked it. And, TBH, no matter how much you are crushed, her behavior should send up a red flag of its own to you whether "she's the one" as well. Even though it's probably the last thing you want to do given the considerable time you have invested in this relationship, I think you need to "take the high road" here, and distance yourself from the relationship for a while. I would tell your g/f in a rational and non-emotional way, that you have been doing some thinking about what has transpired. To you, her behavior indicates she's unsure about whether she wants a future with you, which in turn has prompted you to do a lot of thinking about what you want in life, and you're unsure about your relationship with her as well. Tell her that the one thing you do know is that both partners in a serious relationship, especially one leading to marriage, need to be 100% sure that each is "the one." Since both of you seem to have questions about that, you think you each need time to figure out what you want in life and you'd like to take a break and give each other room to explore and be certain. That doesn't mean the two of you can't ever talk or see one another. It means both of you will (at least for the time being) have no expectations about your relationship. If she wants to go off and have another fling, that's her prerogative. If you do as well (and/or continue to devote time to your studies or career), that's fine. The idea is, until BOTH of you can say unequivocally that you are willing to go to distance (literally and figuratively) with each other, you should be free to do as you please (as opposed to one "sowing her oats" and the other "toeing the line" only to be hurt). I know it will take a lot of guts to go through with what I have suggested but think about this: Do you want to spend the next day, week, month, year or lifetime wondering whether this woman is as committed as you are to your relationship or whether you can trust her? If she wants you and only you, she needs to sort out her feelings and get her priorities in order. *You* can't do that for her -- but you can give her the space and place that burden on *her* shoulders where it belongs. I am sorry you are going through this kkii123. I feel for you. Sounds like you are a nice guy who has been trying his best to make a future for the two of you and you're man enough to admit your own mistakes along the way. You deserve to know the person you love is as committed to you as you are to her. Don't settle for "second best." You deserve more. HTH, TMichaels
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