greenspell Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hello people, I’m new to the forums! I’ve had this BIG BIG dilemma for almost 4 months, very hard stuff. It’s really a very long story but I really want to make it as easy as possible to you so you can help me out without me bugging you too much. (I hope you get it quickly). If you need, then I can extend later... **I’ll put it as shortly as I can** -- I’ve been with a woman 6 years older than me for almost 2 years (she 32, me 26). Everything went *magic* for the first 12 months, in the sense that we were fine even if we fought often (mainly things that we could work out talking later). Very loving, caring, strong willed, religious, sincere and faithful woman. She's made me a better person too, but at the same time she is: too demanding, possessive, impulsive and bossy. For the last months her attitude has been getting annoying (I’m getting tired of it), mainly because of her extremely possessive personality that, at first, didn’t matter to me (examples: she makes it difficult to me seeing my buddies even on days she and I don't see each other / or / she gets angry if I want to spend a few extra hours at my home on saturdays or sundays before seeing her / or / getting angry if I tell her I'll call her in 5 minutes but it takes a few minutes more). There are lots of examples like those... When we fight, she gets very stubborn, and if things don’t go her way, she dumps me or tells me she’s gonna do it. She’s left me at least 4 times that I remember, and everytime I’ve suffered a lot begging her to take me back. At some point, my father (and my brothers) got mad at her because of those break ups from her part, and because of her controlling demeanor. She already knows it and feels sad and unhappy because of my family not accepting her. She blames it on me not being the man I 'used to be' during our first year. Our fights have become more intense; it bugs me that she yells me when we discuss, and she has insulted me (and my father, but he doesn't know it)... she even slapped me two times because of me *lying to her* (me telling her I would get home early and arriving a few hours later, because of fear that she would freak out and yell to me at the phone. I was not doing anything bad, though). She apologizes later when she's calmed. I’ve never called her names, I’ve been truly faithful to her, I get along very well with her family, and I don't even have women friends, I'm very loving too, too flexible and too forgiving, in my opinion. I tell her that most of my failures have been a result of her agressive attitude, but this kind of discussions never end... She, on the other hand, has told me a few times that she deserves a 'prince' because even if she's showed some bad stuff, she's worth of a 'very special man' (for her, it means someone who wants to be with her ALL the time, and wants to get married soon). --- Last weekend I dumped her for the very first time because of her cruel attitude: I took the decision after she stopped calling me for 2 days (her aunt died and she wanted me to be at her funeral but also the whole weekend with her all the time for support, so I didn't do it exactly as she wanted and she stopped calling and answering me). It may have been egoistical attitude from my part of not being too supportive of her because of the loss, but I also believe it was not something too dramatic as for she to ignore my calls. I told to myself I would only take her back if she showed me she cared, and it happened: She begged me a few times to take her back and after a few talks, we were back together again. We have a spiritual retirement this weekend, for couples, and we think it may help us, but she's already back with her annoying attitude. She wanted to argue today because of me not calling her all the time like before, and tells me that I don't love her anymore (that's not true, I love her, because if I didn't, I would not be with her now trying to make everything work). She even told me I should not see my friends this week until we see each other so I can 'meditate'... I'm feeling 'jailed' and lost again... I'm deeply thinking that this weekend retirement may be a big help, but I'm also prepared for the worst: if things don't work out, we may have to break up for good... Or am I missing something here? Do you see a future here? Or maybe I'm not taking care of these things like I should? THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP PEOPLE!!
shunter Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 RUN!! RUN!! This is an unhealthy relationship. Dont you wish you could find someone that loved you, cared for you, and was attentive to your needs without any of the drama? Move on immediately. Don't think another minute about it. Do it now !!
Ronni_W Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Or am I missing something here? If you get that you are being bullied and are in an abusive relationship then, no, you're not missing anything. She can't expect a 'prince' if she is going to act like a bitch and, to have a 'very special man', she needs be and act like a very special woman. YOU are worthy a being treated properly, like an adult, with respect and dignity, yes? Is it a low self-esteem issue, that you've been putting up with her crap instead of standing up and speaking out for yourself? Or have your 'nads gone AWOL on you, or what the heck has happened?
DustySaltus Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Greenspell, I know your dilemma. I was actually engaged to a woman who was very verbally abusive and I got out just before it probably would've started to get physical. These woman start with the verbal badgering of yourself, then they attack your family, then she starts calling your job, then she slaps you, then she stabs you.....I mean its not that farfetched. These woman love drama and they have to come up with new methods of trying to be in control. When we first broke up I thought it was all my fault even though this woman was a complete wackjob. But I loved this wackjob, until she really started to try and hurt me afterwards. These women just don't let things go away because there always needs to be drama. These retreats will only provide temporary relief as you know. In my opinion I think this relationship has become DANGEROUS for you and you need to RUN and not look back. She is not going to change. I mean, has she been like this for six years? She is stuck in her ways. All the energy that you have to do things for yourself is going to get sucked away by the woman if you continue to be with her. She's not going to meet a better guy than you so she says that to you because she is SCARED and wants you to be SCARED to. It's not about being SCARED in a relationship it's about being HAPPY.
wannie9 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Do you see a future here? Not at all. This is an abusive relationship, and you need to get out of it -- ASAP. Don't let this lady ruin your life any more than she'd already done. When someone loves you, he/she will accept that you need our personal space and we never be too controlling. You'll never be happy with her, so please do yourself a favor an move on.
Author greenspell Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Thank you all for your responses! I TRULY appreciate your support a lot! I'll answer you one by one: Shunter: This is an unhealthy relationship. Dont you wish you could find someone that loved you, cared for you, and was attentive to your needs without any of the drama? We just broke up two hours ago, and It's gonna be the hardest split I've had in my life... but as you say (and as I deeply hope), it's the best decision for her (and my) happiness. Ronni_W: Is it a low self-esteem issue, that you've been putting up with her crap instead of standing up and speaking out for yourself? Or have your 'nads gone AWOL on you, or what the heck has happened? I don't think it was about low sef-esteem, it was mainly me focusing on the positive side of her (and also getting very sad when she dumped me), because as I told you earlier, she made be a much better person... the negative stuff, however, was becoming bigger and bigger everyday... DustySaltus: These retreats will only provide temporary relief as you know. In my opinion I think this relationship has become DANGEROUS for you and you need to RUN and not look back. She is not going to change. I mean, has she been like this for six years? She is stuck in her ways. We were together for almost 2 years. Six is the number of years of her being older than me. I knew what you said but there was this "guilty/ I'm not perfect either" stuff going on in my head... Something curious I did not mention is that her ex left her just before marrying her (a few years ago) because of similar reasons... my best buddy told me this was also some kind of signal but I didn't care until the last weeks... wannie9: When someone loves you, he/she will accept that you need our personal space and we never be too controlling. You'll never be happy with her, so please do yourself a favor an move on. That's what we both finally realized this week, and now we've just broke up again, and I asked her to not have contact with me right now for the good of us... Right now I feel with no pressure, some kind of relief, but at the same time, I know it's gonna be hard and I may be sad for many days because of the fear of someday missing the good stuff we had or missing some person like her in my life, although deep down I know this is the best to do... It was beautiful once, but not now... You have been of a great help!!
Author greenspell Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 The pain is harder than I thought... but I must keep going... I'll come here and post If i need during these difficult times. I'm so sad right now...
Maxwell Sage Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Man, I can relate. My first and only long term relationship was about two and a half years. Since we were so excited to find someone special we lived together nearly the entire time. There were mannny nights where I would want to get out of the house, but due to her being anti social, I would be condemned for having said urges. I would also try extremely hard just to make things work without sacrificing my self respect in the process. I ultimately pushed myself too hard and kind of had a break down one day. I can recall having soooooo many talks that lasted for hours just so we could be on good terms again. In retrospect, I should have read the signs. I always wanted to be with someone who was more easy going and less judgemental. She never felt comfortable because I wasn't as cynical as she was. Sure she was really hot and awesome at cuddling, but when we weren't doing these things, we never really brought out the good and unique side in the other. We were more or less the version of ourselves that the other wanted. I think your breakup will be very tough at first, but eventually your ex will do something to remind you of allll of those super stressed out nights where you wished she would be nice and more so appreciative of your efforts. Eventually you'll meet someone sweet and less needy who'll appreciate who you are and the relationship you have.
rayellis1127 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 The pain is harder than I thought... but I must keep going... I'll come here and post If i need during these difficult times. I'm so sad right now... Keep in mind you'll go through this because your feelings were honest & sincere. That's the sort of person you are. Also consider she is a small person trying to make you small so you can fit into her world. People like her develop skills throughout their life to find out what works to make others small. The argument abuse and other stuff is how she's making you small. You're not small, she is. Thanks for sharing your story. Shortly after my first post here I started posting in this thread. And when I got said I read my own post over and over, even out loud. It was helpful *especially* when I was sad.
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