My turn to tell all...

[hbogie]

Been lurking for the past 6 weeks, but guess it’s time to tell my story too.

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Me and STBX were together for 8 years, technically married for 3 next tuesday (divorce won't be final till December). I'm 34, she's 31. Somewhat of a rollercoaster relationship, a lot of good and bad times. No kids. She's battled bad depression most of her life and self medicated with alcohol at times, didn't take care of it in healthy ways - but deep down I knew she had a big heart and was a good person. So I stuck by her the best I knew how, loved her the way I knew how, and tried to support her anyway I could. I tried to encourage her to find healthy outlets to express herself (she has an artistic personality). Took her to Europe twice which was a dream come true for her. And for the past few years was restoring a house in a great neigborhood so we could start a family. But happiness with herself and in her life always eluded her. Fast forward earlier this year. She went to see a female friend in Maine she never met in person, but talked to for about 10 years, that she met in a depression forum. Comes back and is online all the time, which she had a history of doing, usually when she was in a bad state (kind of like escaping reality and her depression). I called her on it, saying what's the point if you never want to spend time with me... says your right and wants a divorce. No counseling, nothing. Within two weeks she lines up an apartment and I have the papers started (reluctantly but at least I have control of that) and I give her money to get started....all the while hoping she will come to her senses. Filed no fault-not contested. Got the I love you, but... speech. She thanked me for all I've done for her. That I was a great guy and had so much going for me and I deserved someone to make me happy. She didn't really want anything (never was materialistic). Nothing bad to say about me. Says we just want different things.... and of course I did all the normal stuff we’ve all done in the beginning of this mess. But everyone else including me says ???, you guys have so much in common and similar goals. Her therapist had her come up with a pro-con list a few months ago (so this is all not total shock), and on the pro was all the big stuff women say they want, and on the con was just really trivial BS (most of it).

 

Things just didn't add up, so poked on her computer. Found an online diary that goes back over a year and she was having emotional affair with a guy she met several years ago on same forum and that's who she went to see. Well he's 30, still lives at home with parents, has same issues, etc.... WTF.??! Called her on it and was shocked I found out, says nothing happened, just good friends, blah blah, but her diary spoke of much stronger feelings. Contacted him and he also denies anything happened, and only agreed for her to visit if their was no physical stuff, just to meet each other and for her to gather her thoughts. Also the journal documents she was thinking divorce for over a year. Though over the winter she was in it (our relationship) again, but over the spring the bad thoughts start again.

 

Well I actually moved her out myself, provided her with stuff to start out with. She couldn't go home because her parents (or anyone) understood what she was doing and were pissed big time at her. Well curiosity got me again and I contacted her ex best friend who bailed on her as maid of honor before our wedding. Story I got was she was drunk one night out with friends and had a quick hookup with an old BF. So her friend said she didn't believe in the wedding. This is the explanation my STBX told me before we married and I forgave her. Well turns out that was only one story.... apparently there was another hookup when she was going to massage school and kept staying down the city late or overnight... and this happened the day before I proposed! But the kicker was at her cousins wedding her dad and I drove back home that night and she stayed over. Apparently she got so drunk she don't remember, but she woke up with a guy and it was obvious what happened. All of these were times she was in a really bad state of depression and mixed a lot of alcohol.... but no excuse!

 

So obviously I flipped, took her car which was in my name only and told her through her parents she could only have it back (the car didn't really matter to me) when she was honest with me for the first time in her life. Well it all came out and for the first time she showed emotion through all this mess. She didn't know what I knew, so I know she came out with everything. Still swears nothing happened in Maine or since we married but she does have feelings for him... but they're good friends..... yeea

 

Another thing that came out was she was doubting the marriage beforehand, but went through with it because she felt pressured and everything was paid for. On the other hand though we had many times where she acted like she was head over heels for me!? It all ends up one big contradiction.... and with her illness you can throw out the rulebook.

 

So for a few weeks we traded emails – I expressed how I felt about everything, how much she hurt me F****d me over, and she in return about how horrible she was, hated the person she used to be, was trying to change herself for the better (she had stopped drinking, went to therapy, etc for the past year)... that I deserved so much better, etc... but still stuck to wanting the divorce (not that I was asking for her back anymore), but she hoped to remain friends! I said how can she expect that from me after all this?? But the truth is after the initial shock, I still love her and am torn about how I feel.

 

The bottom line is I think she is a good person suffering from an illness. I thought my judge in character might be really bad, but how could she fool everyone? I have all the important qualities she wants, but she's picking on the little differences. Her expectations of a relationship are unrealistic and until she can like herself, she can never have a healthy relationship.

 

So now we're down to just the legal stuff. I had my first face to face in a month two days ago. She was friendly, said how good I looked, gave me a big hug when she came and left. I also found a new online diary the other day (yea… I know!) It appears the novelty of being on her own is wearing off (she never was on her own before), she is more depressed, lonely, loosing a lot of weight, getting sick everyday, her "friends" are already bailing on her, and looks like this illusion and fantasy in Maine is showing cracks. It's sad. We could have had such a great life together. She loves kids (she's a nanny now) and we were so close to starting our own family. But the damage is done. And everyone can see that she is throwing away her best chance at a good, happy life - but she can't see it through her depression. But maybe it isn't and we really aren't meant to be together??But she has made her bed either way. Everyone thinks some time down the road she will wake up, but I will have moved on way too far to look back (I hope). Besides, the trust is gone. How do you get that back?? And I couldn't take the chance of going through this again.... I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. The biggest thing is none of it makes any sense!? And somehow I would still consider patching things up, though I think we would have to start over at this point. Crazy. Just crazy.

 

The first few weeks were hell. Then I started to get a little better. Now I’m backsliding big time! I feel empty again. Have to take sleeping pills. I lost 6 pounds this week alone. I balled after I saw her the other day for the first time since everything went down. I try to keep working on the house, but it’s all a big reminder, even after changing things a bit. The motivation isn’t there and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I talk about selling the place and everyone (including her) tells me I owe it to myself to finish the restoration. The hardest thing is going to work. I just do enough to not lose my job. But I'm a tech at a power plant, so I have to concentrate on my job or me and/or others can get hurt. I took a leave, but all they approved was 2 weeks. Maybe it’s the anniversary coming up Tuesday. After our meeting she wrote in her online journal about how she was glad we were getting along better, how the house looked different, and that she was proud of me for all the work I've done (???). Also that she was surprised the divorce would be final so quick. It’s just strange that she expresses to me about caring about me so much to (which could be bs) but also in her private thoughts as well, so it must be legit?? And yet just wants to give up on us!

 

I’m also beginning to learn my part in all this. Not blaming myself… but I did contribute. She didn’t communicate well, but there were times I ignored the signs. Also I was really great at the big things, being a good provider, etc , but was bad at the little things that keep the “fire” going. I think that’s where I really went wrong and I lost her and is the lesson I better take from this.

 

Problem now is I've loved 3 people in my life and all have "betrayed" me in some way.... the final being the grand finale! How do you go on and love from this point?? So I haven't made that next step yet. And really it's not fair to anybody new till things are officially final on my end.

 

Well nothing more needs to be done for awhile, so I’m trying to go 99% NC. The anniversary will be the hardest to do. I know I shouldn’t check the journal, but I have copied everything from before and need to continue just in case she gets desperate now that the money is running out. I have a lot to lose! I doubt she would do anything at this point and would be MUCH harder for her to do legally now since the initial papers are signed and the 90 day clock is now ticking, but I still need to cover my a**.

 

Just want to thank you all for contributing on here! It’s been a big help. I tried therapy a few times, but got much more from reading here. I’ve especially watched Lupa’s posts. Somehow we all just need to let go of the past, not worry about the future, and just take care of the present. Easier said then done! I welcome any insight you guys have.

[ryepatch]

hey, your situation reminds me a lot of my own. my wife was afflicted by sudden depressions in the last year and a half when she would have "dark thoughts" about leaving, but we would work stuff out and she'd be sunny and positive and loving for a few months. our therapist suspects she's bipolar. . . has your wife seen a psychiatrist, tried medication?

 

it seems like so much of this is about her illness. . .

 

i'm currently just waiting things out in my situation, my wife filed for D impulsively but has backed off (i think) and is probably going through depression again. i don't know, haven't heard from her.

 

if you still love your wife, and it sounds like you do, try to get her to see a psychiatrist. i'll bet she has a lot of guilt about what she's done, and doesn't think you'd be able to forgive her or trust her again.

 

i've gotten a lot of "you don't deserve the way i'm treating you," too.

 

if she gets help, and you're able to think of her betrayal as being part and parcel of her illness, you'll probably be able to forgive her.

 

is she talking to you? what's your communication like these days? does she realize what she's done, that she's ill, etc.?

[hbogie]

She's been seeing a therapist and psych for a year. Before we met she had gone through a dark time for about 3 years and tried taking her life. She climbed back from that and by the time we met she was on Paxil but not active in therapy anymore. I think she was ashamed of her illness and kept trying to ignore it. But that just made things worse... than the self medicating would start. We went through this cycle for years before last year she finally took it seriously. She's off Paxil and on two other now. I'm not sure her therapist is doing good. Sounds like he is just telling her to get away from whatever the problems are. Or she isn't giving the therapist her whole story. I offered to go with her a few time in the past, but she declined. After much reading I though she was type II BP (less up swing and often confused with depression). I told her this, she told him, and he says no. Just bad depression, social anxiety, and ADD.

 

Communication is pretty limited since I stopped initiating, but the other day was friendly. Says she will burn some music cd's this weekend for me.

[hbogie]

I've read your posts too RP over the past few weeks.... yea I can feel your pain, the "rules" just don't seem to apply. And yes I think it's the illness that messes with a good person sometimes. Stay strong!

[ryepatch]

She's been seeing a therapist and psych for a year. Before we met she had gone through a dark time for about 3 years and tried taking her life. She climbed back from that and by the time we met she was on Paxil but not active in therapy anymore. I think she was ashamed of her illness and kept trying to ignore it. But that just made things worse... than the self medicating would start. We went through this cycle for years before last year she finally took it seriously. She's off Paxil and on two other now. I'm not sure her therapist is doing good. Sounds like he is just telling her to get away from whatever the problems are. Or she isn't giving the therapist her whole story. I offered to go with her a few time in the past, but she declined. After much reading I though she was type II BP (less up swing and often confused with depression). I told her this, she told him, and he says no. Just bad depression, social anxiety, and ADD.

 

Communication is pretty limited since I stopped initiating, but the other day was friendly. Says she will burn some music cd's this weekend for me.

 

she sounds a lot like my wife. BP 2 is a definite possibility, that's what i suspect of my wife as well. the ups are called hypomanic episodes, they're not as insane as manic episodes (as in BP1), so you can only tell the difference if you know the person well, and they're still able to function in society. are the other meds she's on mood stabilizers? do you know?

 

check out this questionnaire. . .

 

http://www.dbsatucson.com/BIPOLAR_TEST.html

 

the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance is a great resource. see if they have meetings in your area, you can go even without your wife.

 

check out my threads, too, if you haven't.

 

you can also call her therapist or psychiatrist and talk to them. they won't give youu any info unless she signs a piece of paper, but they should let you give them your perspective.

 

what are her ups like?

[hbogie]

Didn't really have ups, though was some times when she acted overly happy in an odd way (hard to describe). In a not like herself up. When she was down she would get sick in the mornings, anxiet attacks, no motivation, question why I was with her, and most importantly spend hours online.

 

I told her recently what I thought and offered to talk to her therapist to describe my observations with no other motives. Never got a response other than she told him and he said he doesn't think she has BP. I don't think he is very good. I think subscribes to the thought of if you have problems, get rid of the problems. Last visit apparently he was surprised and happy what she has done???!! This was in her online journal, not told to me, so she don't know I see it. She really likes him I think because he tells her what she wants to hear.

[hbogie]

Unf*****believable... a virtual 2x4 to the head knocking me out of my recent backslide, now I'm PO'd!

 

She wrote this in her online journal yesterday (I know I shouldn't read, but must doc these just in case), and he's just a good friend.... yea

 

I will be online talking to (guy in Maine) all night haha. That is always the highlight of my day now. I can't wait til New Years!! 3 more months!! I can't wait to hug and kiss him & do some other things to him hehe. I will officially be divorced then, and YES we will celebrate:) I will probably cry when he leaves. This long distance thing totally sucks. I wonder if there is some way we could be together every day. I really miss him. talking to him online just isn't the same......

 

Then got this email a few hours later from her

 

I was adding up my bills this month and got a grand total with my pay ending 9/30/09 of only $1006. Then I have to deduct Cable which is $311.00 then Peco which is $108.00. I will NOT be able to pay my hospital bill thats due next week for a few weeks but I don't think thats a big deal. Then comes my rent due 10/01/09 whcih leaves me with about $580 (then take out like $80 for gas and groceries) so thats $500. I need $300 to pay my rent which I won't have!!! I am so scared and worried. I wanted to know if there was any way you can lend me the $300. I know...I shouldn't be asking you, but you WOULD get the cash backthe first Tuesday of October, the 7th. I PROMISE I will never ask you for any more loans ever AGAIN!!!

 

Like I said I got banged HARD this month with Cable and Peco. I am so upset man. Please get back to me ASAP. I'm so sorry to have to ask you this. I really need your help right now!!

I will DEFINITLY pay you back in a few weeks when I have the money. I'm hoping next month I have a bit more money. I can barely afford to eat anything:(

 

Call me when you get this k?

 

Love ******

 

 

 

 

I just spotted her for transfering the car (which I'll never see). Already got the line before will never ask for anything else. 6 weeks on her own and she's already sinking??!! I figured she'd make it at least till the end of the year. I set her up with everything she needed to start on her own and she didn't even deserve that.

[Shockedhusband]

This is just my observation based on my experience with my own wife as well as experiences with significant others of some of my friends. There seems to be something with depression and bi-polar disorder leads to a greater susceptibility to infidelity. This seems to be especially true if a person is not actively treating their depression. It is as if they get in a down mood and they begin questioning everything and it all boils down to the marriage is the cause of all their sadness. It happen when we were dating, she needed to take a break because she was confused about what she wanted. Then it happened again when we were married, we are now divorced.

 

Personally, and it may sound cruel, but I will never in my life allow myself to be involved with someone that has depression or is bi-polar.

[hbogie]

Sad.... but I feel the same way. Learned about it early, didn't make it a deal breaker.... but NEVER again.

[mark982]

you can't seriously be thinking of loaning her money!! buddy--she made this bed,let her ask her guy in maine. don't fall for her boo-hoos

[hbogie]

Made her sweat a day. Then emailed her and told her I couldn't. I just spotted her for the car transfer the other day, but figured $75 was cheaper loss than if she gets in an accident on my insurance. Haven't received a reaction yet though indeed I will! Sad part is she has no one that will bail her out, including her parents. They said they are DONE enabling their daughter. But heck, she couldn't even make it 2 months on her own?! Love to say go ask your fantasy in Maine.... oh yea, he barely works and has never left his parents. He has nothing to bring to the table other than bs through a computer terminal. How bad could it have been?? Took her to London/Paris last year for our anniversary. Paid 90% of the bills. Have a good job. Supported her interests. Was making a great house for our future family. I even did most of the stinkin cookin! She's had it too easy for too long.

 

Again - unf****believable!

[PWSX3]

Be prepared, she might just be coming back around with this sob story and wanting back.

[hbogie]

For someone who wanted this, she's not eating, getting sick everyday, smoking and drinking again, hanging with people not good for her, sinking into a deep depression, spent what was given to her in a matter of weeks.... and clinging to a fantasy. This is not going to end well for her.

 

I have so many emotions about her right now. There's so much damage it's realistically too far gone if she does come crawling back. Most of this stems from illness I'm pretty sure which adds a wild card. The scary part is she does have a past history with suicide (before I met her). Nothing to suggest she headed down that road, but not good either. I only pray she is a stronger person than that now.

 

Not a peep since I told her NO.

 

Somehow I still have to look out for #1

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you should not save her...as much as you may want to, she'll turn it around and spit it back in your face...

[hbogie]

Yea, I know... can't be the enabler anymore.

 

Finally got a reply. Took it better than I thought. Guess cause she knows she has more time to pay rent than she thought. Now It'll just snowball till next month.... it's gonna be a hell of a ride till x-mas when it should be all over.

[mark982]

just block her azz from any further contact. let lawyers handle everything.