StoneRock Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hello everybody. I'm a 23 year old male in a relationship with my gf for about 10 months now. This is one of my first serious relationships. I want to start out by saying I both love and trust her, and believe that she truly loves me. Now my gf has this old friend that she has known for a long time. He has been out of the country for almost our entire relationship, and he's coming back soon. She has told me on a few occasions that he is her "best friend", but other than that I hear very little about him. She recently told me that she had fooled around with him in the past; they have a brief sexual history. This really concerned me. I have had lots of female "friends" who I've broken the barrier with and had sexual experiences with. I know how I now view them and how they now view me. Things are different. Since I've been in a relationship, I haven't hung out or even really talked to these girls, mostly for the sake of my gf's feelings, but also because I'd rather not put myself in a compromising situation. I don't feel I'm missing anything with them not in my life at this time. My gf has plenty of guy friends. She's one of those girls who just gets along better with guys. Truly, I am ok with this. I've met them all and trust them. She has no sexual history with any of them. The only thing that bugs me is this one guy. I trust her, but not him. I feel like when he comes back she'll be chilling with him, continuing her relationship with him to whatever degree. She tells me she needs him in her life because they are such good friends. This emotional attachment drives me nuts, mainly since they've already shared a physcial attraction too. I will not be the bf on the side while she's continuing with this guy to be with him years down the road. I don't even think she'll cheat on me while we're together, but too many times have I been that other man and now I really see what it feels like on the other side. How can I deal with this? Am I just being a jealous prick? I don't want to be the bf who doesn't let his gf chill with her dude friends. I have no problem with her chilling with people she hasn't been with. I don't want to give her a choice between us, he isn't even back yet. But this is honestly bothering me so much I can't stand it. I need a solution or it's going to ruin our relationship, for sure. Any and all advice is welcome
Quest Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 This is tricky - emotional attachments can be quite threatening. I think you'll just have to wait and see what it's like when this other guy is around. If you don't feel comfortable with their level of contact and the way they are together then you don't feel comfortable with it and it's your right to say so. If your gf cares enough she'll take that into consideration and make you feel comfortable. But you might find it's not as bad as you're imagining when the guy actually gets here!
BackonTrack2 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 your girlfriend is pre-warning you. she is going to leave you when he comes back. get out now or suffer
New Again Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 No point driving yourself crazy or upsetting yourself with "what ifs" in the meantime I totally get your discomfort with their past sexual relationship and current friendship, and I even get your "but I don't do it, so why does she" attitude. BUT, right now all your concerns are in your head. As Quest said, it's probably best to wait and see what goes on once he's actually back in town - then you'll have some concrete observations to go on, instead of your jealousy-fueled imagination. If this is really bugging you and you just can't wait, maybe the best thing to do is just tell your gf your concerns and try to set up some boundaries that you're comfortable with. This may not be the best idea; I can imagine this backfiring (her feeling angry and offended that you don't trust her, etc.). One of my pet peeves is actually when guys get upset because they "trust" their gfs, but not other guys If you trust your gf, that means you trust her not to put herself in a sketchy situation.
alexxx Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Now my gf has this old friend that she has known for a long time. He has been out of the country for almost our entire relationship, and he's coming back soon. She has told me on a few occasions that he is her "best friend", but other than that I hear very little about him. She recently told me that she had fooled around with him in the past; they have a brief sexual history. You need to make one thing clear. He is not her FRIEND, he is her EX. If you guys have a committed, exclusive relationship, then she shouldn't be in touch with her EX. That is called "cheating". I would break up with her, unless she is willing to (completely and right away) stop contacting him.
Javelin Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 She tells me she needs him in her life because they are such good friends. Out of experience, if a woman told me something like that as her boyfriend, about another male that she had a sexual history with. Then I would probably become weary of her after awhile. I say this because it would immediately tell me that she still might reserves some dangerous feelings for him. Honestly though, you should really talk to her about the way you feel. It may be early, but if she's an understanding person, perhaps she'll commend you for being man enough to admit that you are scared of this guy ruining your relationship. Infact, you are her boyfriend after all, not this guy. Also, If I were you, I'd wait and see how she acts when they're hanging out together. Look for key indications that she is still attracted to him, before jumping to conclusions! For example, if she's out with friends and she calls you occasionally to say hi or to remind you that she's still thinking about you and it stops when she's with him.. That would be a red flag indicator. As stated above, this is a very sticky situation and I dislike it when people do it, but you're just going to have to wait and see how it plays out or communicate with her. Good luck.
J3ss Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hey, it's unfortunate that you're in this situation. I would never approve of my b/f having any contact whatsoever with a female "friend" that he was sexually involved with. I mean, what's the point? There are so many other people out there, you know? I know other people are less conservative on these types of things, but if it bothers you, let her know.
lkjh Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Your first warning is a girl that hangs out with mostly guys. Its not smart to date a girl like that, even if she means well they don't.
Javelin Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Your first warning is a girl that hangs out with mostly guys. Its not smart to date a girl like that, even if she means well they don't. Seriously, you can't trust anyone these days.
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