bentnotbroken Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 This is how I knew my marriage was over. My ex protected his mistress to the very end. That left me no choice but to end the marriage. My hands were tied. It does speak volumes doesn't it?
SummerLady Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 It does speak volumes doesn't it? Oh yes. After that I had no guilt in ending the marriage, no remorse, no regret. None. Never will.
Owl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 So what kind of proof or evidence are you suggesting OWL? AR Most affairs require a considerable amount of communication...emails/IM's/facebook type contact/etc... I'd assume you likely used something similar at some point with MM...I'd suggest sharing something that would be conclusive 'proof' for her if need be. Anything along these lines...anything that would be something that she could use to confirm what your H tells her. As far as it being "bad timing" if she's told while her H is out of their country...I would suggst that there is never a "good time" to find out...but the sooner she knows the truth, the sooner she can take whatever actions she needs/wants to. And the sooner your H can work on resolving issues in your own marriage as well. The biggest part on your end is to ensure that there is NO WAY that contact can resume, and that your H has the best possible methods to rebuild his trust in you during this time that MM is in country.
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 OP, Your vows to your husband supercedes any promise to the MM. You need to left your H do whatever HE feels is necessary to regain trust in you and to be able to put this behind him. You should have 0, and I mean 0, concern for the MM or his wife. Your husband should have ALL of your consideration. If your H wants to confront the MM or his wife, you should say nothing or do nothing to hinder him, but rather you should help him in any way you can. BTW, I think that your uncertainty about this shows that you haven't completely re-committed to your husband. JMO
fooled once Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Let H call whenever HE is ready --- doesn't matter where xMM is. Here, there, under a rock.... no difference. I think OWL was talking about evidence of the affair - recent evidence. Emails, etc. To PROVE to the wife that you and he were involved still.
frannie Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My H wants some closure and wants to phone xMM and give him the ultimatum that his W gave me almost two years ago when xMM told her of our affair. My H wants to say to xMM either you tell your wife the truth, or I will. --- My H does not have any sympathy for xMM's W after she intimidated and harassed me on our family holiday until I told my H the truth back in Jan 08. She was threatening and ruthless, not in the least concerned about the impact on my family at large... and she had no clue that it was already a PA affair back then. She blamed me ... MM gave her a great story and she bought it. My H actually wants to give it back to her now ... the unedited version. Something about this makes me uneasy for some reason. Obviously your H wants to do what makes him feel better (aka: 'closure')... what it reads like to me is some kind of revenge. But perhaps that's what he needs? What does his counsellor/ your MC think of this as a motivation for further contact with your AP and BS? I've just written on another thread about the BS in my situation continuing to contact me to vent her anger while she and he had asked for NC. While I understand her wanting to do that, all it really served to do was stir the hornet's nest back up and resulted in a resumption of contact between MM and me. So, I'm not suggesting either contacting or not-contacting would be best, because I really don't know. But personally I think your H needs to think about his reasons for the contact, and whether he could deal with any repercussions.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 all it really served to do was stir the hornet's nest back up and resulted in a resumption of contact between MM and me. Can I ask Frannie? After everything that's happened, you're now back in contact with him, does this mean that you've chosen to continue the A, or do you mean because of her contacting you, he's involved too. Not sure which you mean.. anyway, I hope for your sake, you don't get hurt!
fooled once Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Frannie, I am not speaking for AR, but her and I have developed a friendship off site and I can say, if AR wanted revenge, she could have done it a long time ago. So for HER, it isn't about reveng. And I honestly don't think her H is doing it for revenge -- seems in the group of 4 (AR, her H, xMM and his W), everyone but the W knows what has transpired. AR has been completely open and honest with her H about what is going on. She is totally in the dark on the fact that the affair WAS physical AND that it continued after DDay.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My H wants some closure and wants to phone xMM and give him the ultimatum that his W gave me almost two years ago when xMM told her of our affair. My H wants to say to xMM either you tell your wife the truth, or I will. I promised xMM that I would never betray him by telling his W the truth about us you won't betray the xMM, but you'll betray your H. Looks like you are married to the wrong person. I don't think it should be up to you. Your H can do what he wants to do. But you owe it to your H to "allow" this and let him do this. too bad what you promised the xMM. its your husband you need to make right with. even though he did exactly that to me at the beginning of our A. But my H may be justified in doing this and I really don't know how I feel about it. I am split ... half of me thinks that it is justified and half of me thinks ... walk away ... and stay out of it its easy for YOU to say walk away, stay out of it.....it wasn't you that was cheated on. this is for your husband...not you. and let xMM decide if he wants to save his marriage and tell his W. The other half thinks yes, just let H do what he needs to do to get closure. He has a right? yes, he has a right, and if you are defiant to this, it will show your H that you aren't really all that interested in saving your marriage and that you care more for xMM than your H. I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer to this ...... but I would be curious to know what other people think? Thanks AR If your husband wants to do it, you should give him your blessing to do so. Otherwise, you aren't that interested in saving your marriage.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My H does not have any sympathy for xMM's W after she intimidated and harassed me on our family holiday until I told my H the truth back in Jan 08. She was threatening and ruthless, not in the least concerned about the impact on my family at large why should she be worried about the impact on your family. You weren't worried about it to be cheating on your husband and children. although if she was completely psycho, it isn't the way I'd have gone about it, but I understand her anger with you and its completely justified.
frannie Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Can I ask Frannie? After everything that's happened, you're now back in contact with him, does this mean that you've chosen to continue the A, or do you mean because of her contacting you, he's involved too. Not sure which you mean.. anyway, I hope for your sake, you don't get hurt! Thanks WWIU I meant that as they'd both broken NC with me (by visiting my sites, and emailing), that as far as I was concerned why should I continue to maintain NC when I felt the need for my 'closure' too? I'm not saying my thinking was straight, just that this is what I thought at the time, and I was warning OP about the dangers of breaking NC once it had been put in place.
frannie Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Frannie, I am not speaking for AR, but her and I have developed a friendship off site and I can say, if AR wanted revenge, she could have done it a long time ago. So for HER, it isn't about reveng. And I honestly don't think her H is doing it for revenge -- seems in the group of 4 (AR, her H, xMM and his W), everyone but the W knows what has transpired. AR has been completely open and honest with her H about what is going on. She is totally in the dark on the fact that the affair WAS physical AND that it continued after DDay. Thanks. I haven't been around much this year so I don't know half of anyone's back story. I just saw the quote about not caring about the (other) BS, rather than doing it out of a feeling that she should know. But having said that, I am not necessarily against doing things as a form of 'revenge' (maybe 'evening up the situation' would be a better way of putting it) anyway... sometimes it's what someone needs, perhaps, especially when there has been a lot of hurt.
boldjack Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 AR, In my opinion, you need to examine whether you are truly committed to your H or not. Your concerns for MM and his W, seem to show otherwise. BTW, your "belated", concern for your family, and your lack of concern for them, during your affair, will fool nobody.
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