Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi LS community Those who know my story know that my A with xMM as ended. I have been NC now for almost a month ... and am finding myself in a better place with each passing day. I still wrestle extremes of anger and occasional sadness ... but slowly I can see this improving. My H and I separated during my A (4 mths now) .. I left ... I could no longer live with being torn between two people and I wanted to give my heart to MM completely. I thought that was where I needed to be. I was very very wrong about that and learned that lesson painfully, but it has been learnt. My H and I have just begun some MC and there is hope now that we may be able to reconcile our marriage of 18yrs. My H wants that very much and is prepared to work slowly with me ... we have begun dating again. My H wants some closure and wants to phone xMM and give him the ultimatum that his W gave me almost two years ago when xMM told her of our affair. My H wants to say to xMM either you tell your wife the truth, or I will. I promised xMM that I would never betray him by telling his W the truth about us ... even though he did exactly that to me at the beginning of our A. But my H may be justified in doing this and I really don't know how I feel about it. I am split ... half of me thinks that it is justified and half of me thinks ... walk away ... and stay out of it .... and let xMM decide if he wants to save his marriage and tell his W. The other half thinks yes, just let H do what he needs to do to get closure. He has a right? A colleague of mine said to me 'why do you stay loyal to the abuser?' and she asked me where did I learn that. I know that I learned that as a child growing up with my father. Throughout this A I have always allowed xMM to hurt me but I have always felt that I do not have a right to hurt him. I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer to this ...... but I would be curious to know what other people think? Thanks AR
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 If you want your marriage to work, let your husband speak to the exMM. STOP protecting the exMM. You owe him NOTHING as he owes you nothing either. My H wants some closure and wants to phone xMM and give him the ultimatum that his W gave me almost two years ago when xMM told her of our affair. My H wants to say to xMM either you tell your wife the truth, or I will. One question..She knows of the affair already, or only parts of it? I'm kind of confused..
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 If you want your marriage to work, let your husband speak to the exMM. STOP protecting the exMM. You owe him NOTHING as he owes you nothing either. One question..She knows of the affair already, or only parts of it? I'm kind of confused.. Hi WWIU, she believes it was a EA ending in Jan 08. It was not this. It was a full blown affair ending in Aug 09.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 She deserves to know the 'truth' not just a version of it. Another lie.. The A is so recent, it JUST ended..Now is the time to do this. Also, allowing your H to do this will show him that you aren't protecting exMM, that you are putting him (H) first. He needs this from you and honestly, if you don't do this, he might question as to why he should give you another chance, since basically less than two months ago you WERE with MM, and very much into the A.
fooled once Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Sweetie - I agree - stop protecting him. IF you truly want your marriage to work, you must support your H and let him do what he needs to do.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 She deserves to know the 'truth' not just a version of it. Another lie.. The A is so recent, it JUST ended..Now is the time to do this. Also, allowing your H to do this will show him that you aren't protecting exMM, that you are putting him (H) first. He needs this from you and honestly, if you don't do this, he might question as to why he should give you another chance, since basically less than two months ago you WERE with MM, and very much into the A. I don't disagree ... I guess I'm just trying to hold the space for so much right now ... grieving the A .... grieving the marriage .... not defacing the gravesite of what was real in the A .... honouring a second chance .... If there are repercussions e.g. W starts phoning (she is in another country) wanting answers??? xMM wants revenge on me of some sort ??? I don't know ... I guess I just don't know what to expect??? that's all. I don't want things to get worse ... there has been enough pain already.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 All of this was set in motion when you began the A and part of the hard work involved in recovery is being brave enough to deal with these issues as they come up. Were I your H, I'd certainly resent any attempt on your part to sweep this under the rug. Time for you to decide if you're going to be a spouse or a WS, because only one of those two would prioritize your xMM's feelings above your H's... Mr. Lucky
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 All of this was set in motion when you began the A and part of the hard work involved in recovery is being brave enough to deal with these issues as they come up. Were I your H, I'd certainly resent any attempt on your part to sweep this under the rug. Time for you to decide if you're going to be a spouse or a WS, because only one of those two would prioritize your xMM's feelings above your H's... Mr. Lucky I am a separated spouse at present ... and I am done with being the OW (for life!!!!). I do appreciate your input here Mr L. I am not choosing to sweep it under the rug ... I guess I've made some poor choices in the recent past ... and I don't want to make anymore. My H does not resent the fact that I am not certain that telling the W is the best option ... he is respectful of the need to consider this before reacting. After posting this thread today I told him that he has every right to get the closure that HE needs and his response was ... 'lets just wait and see ... it is a big decision.' AR
boldjack Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 OP, Even if your H is ok with not telling MM's wife, you should insist. You are the cheater, and must go "above and beyond", to prove to ALL parties that you are trustworthy. Absolute honesty and openess are the only ways for you to behave from now on. If the MM has problems, that isn't your concern. You are done with him. Rebuilding trust with your husband is your first and ONLY concern. Good Luck
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 You gotta let your guard down and let him do what must be done... Why must the XOM get away with full knowledge of the affair and his wife dont? Why must he leave unscathed. Your husband knows the truth, so should she. it's just fair right? I also would think as a woman yourself it wouldnt hurt to ask for her forgiveness.
mourningMM Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 An if you have a H that is willing and eager to act as a protector; to confront the xMM that is a positive. If he confronts the xMM, it is about breaking the tie between the two of you; whatever happens to the xMM and his BS is just collateral damage. I don't want things to get worse ... there has been enough pain already. So here is a great point, before you H starts making demands of the xMM, you might want to share the fear with him...that you don't want this to INCREASE your involvement in the xMM's life. You don't want to open yourself to more pain. And if you support you H in his communication to the xMM, then you are afraid of the emotional drain should the xMM's wife feel the need to reach out to you. xMM wants revenge on me of some sort ??? So, is this guy a psycho? Would doing this result in bunny-killing activity? If you fear this, more than anything else, you must protect your husband by telling him. If xMM is not likely to come unhinged, then I imagine you have seen the worst already...the damage he has already done to your marriage and your self-esteem.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 You gotta let your guard down and let him do what must be done... Why must the XOM get away with full knowledge of the affair and his wife dont? Why must he leave unscathed. Your husband knows the truth, so should she. it's just fair right? I also would think as a woman yourself it wouldnt hurt to ask for her forgiveness. I agree with you completely CB ... I do take exception though to your comment that as a woman I should be asking his W for forgiveness ... Do you agree equally that MM should also ask their MW's husband for forgiveness ...... just clarifying this. AR
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 An if you have a H that is willing and eager to act as a protector; to confront the xMM that is a positive. If he confronts the xMM, it is about breaking the tie between the two of you; whatever happens to the xMM and his BS is just collateral damage. So here is a great point, before you H starts making demands of the xMM, you might want to share the fear with him...that you don't want this to INCREASE your involvement in the xMM's life. You don't want to open yourself to more pain. And if you support you H in his communication to the xMM, then you are afraid of the emotional drain should the xMM's wife feel the need to reach out to you. So, is this guy a psycho? Would doing this result in bunny-killing activity? If you fear this, more than anything else, you must protect your husband by telling him. If xMM is not likely to come unhinged, then I imagine you have seen the worst already...the damage he has already done to your marriage and your self-esteem. Thanks MMM, this is thought-provoking and very constructive. Cheers. AR
jasminetea Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I think there are two things, first of all I think you answer your own question when you say A colleague of mine said to me 'why do you stay loyal to the abuser?' and she asked me where did I learn that. I know that I learned that as a child growing up with my father. Throughout this A I have always allowed xMM to hurt me but I have always felt that I do not have a right to hurt him.It seems to me that now is the time when you can buck that trend. By supporting your H in telling the xMM's BS about the A, you would not only be doing something for your H, I believe you would also be doing something for you. Knowing everything is out in the open and having no dark secrets is very liberating if nothing else. The second point is, I'm not sure I believe that giving an ultimatum is necessarily the most healthy thing to do. It gives a certain amount of control to the xMM and it would allow him to spin the story anyway he likes. Far better I feel, for your H to contact the xMM's BS directly and tell the story as he sees it, which is more likely to be honest than if the xMM tells it. I feel she's more likely to believe it too. The only question for me, would be timing. I feel it would work best when you and your H are a strong entity once again which would prevent any potential bonding between him and the xMM's BS and ensure his protection of you from any comeback. Finally (((hugs))) this can't be easy
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 The second point is, I'm not sure I believe that giving an ultimatum is necessarily the most healthy thing to do. It gives a certain amount of control to the xMM and it would allow him to spin the story anyway he likes. Far better I feel, for your H to contact the xMM's BS directly and tell the story as he sees it, which is more likely to be honest than if the xMM tells it. I feel she's more likely to believe it too. Hi JT, this is something I HAVE thought of ...... what would be the point of it all if MM just modified & minimised the story (which he did last time) to BS and she ended up with a completely distorted view of what actually happened anyway??? ....... last time she bought the story that I pursued and pursued him and he was simply powerless to resist me ......... I was just so powerful ....... YEH Right? The only question for me, would be timing. I feel it would work best when you and your H are a strong entity once again which would prevent any potential bonding between him and the xMM's BS and ensure his protection of you from any comeback. Finally (((hugs))) this can't be easy My H does not have any sympathy for xMM's W after she intimidated and harassed me on our family holiday until I told my H the truth back in Jan 08. She was threatening and ruthless, not in the least concerned about the impact on my family at large... and she had no clue that it was already a PA affair back then. She blamed me ... MM gave her a great story and she bought it. My H actually wants to give it back to her now ... the unedited version. Thanks for your empathy ...... none of this is easy ...... AR
Owl Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 AR, I think you should step back and let your H handle this. First, it shows him that you care more for his feelings more than you care about protecting MM/OM. It shows you're willing to let him do what he needs to do in order to safeguard your relationship, and it's security. Second, it DOES send that clear message to MM/OM that there is no 'coming back'...it does burn that bridge for the both of you. Third, I think you should provide some kind of "proof" or "evidence" for your H to use to prevent MM/OM from doing damage control or spinning this all around... It may be painful, but it's an opportunity for you to start rebuilding some of that damaged solidarity and trust between you and your H.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 If there are repercussions e.g. W starts phoning (she is in another country) wanting answers??? xMM wants revenge on me of some sort ??? I don't know ... I guess I just don't know what to expect??? that's all. I don't want things to get worse ... there has been enough pain already. I'm with Owl, support whatever your husband decides to do. But, let HIM decide. He doesn't need to know your fears - What if exMM or his wife do this or that afterwards.. Together (if that happens, they harrass you) you and your H will deal with it...hense the operative word there is TOGETHER. Sadly, all this is just more consquences of your choices and actions..Both you and exMM have fallout all around you, except HIS wife thinks the A was not physical. Reguardless of her past behaviour, threatening you, being cruel etc, she deserves the truth too.. Hi JT, this is something I HAVE thought of ...... what would be the point of it all if MM just modified & minimised the story (which he did last time) to BS and she ended up with a completely distorted view of what actually happened anyway??? ....... last time she bought the story that I pursued and pursued him and he was simply powerless to resist me ......... I was just so powerful ....... YEH Right? My H does not have any sympathy for xMM's W after she intimidated and harassed me on our family holiday until I told my H the truth back in Jan 08. She was threatening and ruthless, not in the least concerned about the impact on my family at large... and she had no clue that it was already a PA affair back then. She blamed me ... MM gave her a great story and she bought it. My H actually wants to give it back to her now ... the unedited version. Thanks for your empathy ...... none of this is easy ...... AR You can't control what exMM's wife feels or if she decides to believe her H over your H (if he tells her the truth), tha'ts out of your hands and try not to worry about that. Anyway his wife threw it out there, it's like that old saying, if you can't take it, don't dish it out..
tami-chan Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I agree with MM, tell your husband your fears and concerns. Let him decide how much more you guys want to be involved in your xAP partner's life again. Personally, I would allow my husband to contact the xAP. It is of course up to the xAP if he wants to talk to your H. You cannot demand that from him(xAP)-he has to be willing to help your husband understand and be assured that the affair is really over.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It is of course up to the xAP if he wants to talk to your H. You cannot demand that from him(xAP)-he has to be willing to help your husband understand and be assured that the affair is really over. But it won't be up to the xAP if Aquarius' H talks to the W, assuming that her xMM doesn't want to take that on himself. Therein lies the rub... Mr. Lucky
seibert253 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Do you want to heal and repair your marriage? Sounds like you do. Some need this type of closure before they move forward. I was one of those and it sounds like your husband is to. My FWW was somewhat like you. She agreed not to dime out her OM, and wanted me to do the same. After I explained to her how I could not move forward and heal without exposing what happened to the OM's wife, and how this was not based upon revenge, but closure, she relented. Telling the OM's wife was not only helpful for me, but morally I felt the OM's wife deserved to know the truth, and not that he and my wife were "just close friends". Sometimes you just have to do right, even thought it's painful and the consequences suck.
fooled once Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I think your H will make the right choice. He loves you. He wants to rebuild your marriage. I know you are still grieving (hug) and I know it will take time to put all of this behind you. BUT - you my friend - are getting stronger each day. YOU are healing. YOU are willing to try to heal your marriage. I know you still have "proof" of the affair and I would just hand that to H and let him do with it what he needs to do. I know you will stand by him and support him in his decision. And the time of "protecting" that f*ckwad xMM is over. You don't owe him squat. (hugs)
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I know you still have "proof" of the affair and I would just hand that to H and let him do with it what he needs to do. I know you will stand by him and support him in his decision. And the time of "protecting" that f*ckwad xMM is over. You don't owe him squat. (hugs) Hi FO. I am working overtime at the moment thinking about this... and it has just occurred to me that even if my H calls xMM's Wife (who is in another country) she may not believe what he tells her anyway... The other thing is timing. xMM is due to return here this week, and his plans were to be here for a couple of months, returning to his family in time for xmas. So is it better to tell xMM's Wife while xMM is in another country? Then she deals with him over the phone for the next couple of months?? or is it better to wait until he returns there at xmas and my H phones her then??? My H does not know which way to go with this. Or, If my H phoned her today, xMM would only have a couply of days with her before he has to leave??? Confused???? AR
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Third, I think you should provide some kind of "proof" or "evidence" for your H to use to prevent MM/OM from doing damage control or spinning this all around... So what kind of proof or evidence are you suggesting OWL? AR
tami-chan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 But it won't be up to the xAP if Aquarius' H talks to the W, assuming that her xMM doesn't want to take that on himself. Therein lies the rub... Mr. Lucky You are right....I was just talking about AR's H wanting to talk to the xAP. I think that was her original dilemma. But I have the same advice to her, if her husband wants to talk to xAP's wife, then have him own the decision and the responsibility that would go with it or the whatever would come after....
SummerLady Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 You gotta let your guard down and let him do what must be done... Why must the XOM get away with full knowledge of the affair and his wife dont? Why must he leave unscathed. Your husband knows the truth, so should she. it's just fair right? I also would think as a woman yourself it wouldnt hurt to ask for her forgiveness. This is how I knew my marriage was over. My ex protected his mistress to the very end. That left me no choice but to end the marriage. My hands were tied.
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