handsomeone Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I wrote these poems the second time (of about 6) that my Ex broke up with me and left me crushed and alone in an apartment we shared with nothing but her memories there to torture me. It was really tough for me back so I tried my best to put my feelings on paper. I showed them to her after we got back together that time and she didn't really have too much to say about them. I recently found them again and wanted to know some of your guys's opinions about them, if they make sense and you can relate to them. Let me know, thanks. _____________________________________ Every second that ticks away, I think so hard for words to say, I know that seconds turn to days, My heart aches, my mind prays, Our pasts are gone, forgotten away, We're supposed to last we'd always say, Deep inside we feared the day, When love dies and runs away. ____________________________________________________ Pain so sharp it hurts to think, Living with death without the stink, Try so hard to forget and let go, It was supposed to be but isn't so, Get on track and don't think back, Pull the dagger from your back. ____________________________________________________ Love so true if you only knew, Tears so big like lakes so blue, Eyes so deep and stares so long, Peace so comforting a lovely song, Bond so tight days and nights Forever together, always in sight. ____________________________________________________ I'm sorry for pain, i take the blame, If we both hurt, then we're the same, To hurt and be hurt for hurting, Is worse than being in fire burning, To watch cry and not react, Means you are not yet intact. ____________________________________________________ The realization just comes in, Its over, you can't win, Mask the pain but it's still there, Sitting on you, now you're the chair, Try to think of what to do, But it's over, you must pull through. ____________________________________________________
Author handsomeone Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Hey thanks for the feedback! You are right. Oh and I know, I will never let it happen again, the Relationship ended with her cheating so I broke up with her and went NC since day 1, now 4 months later she is begging me back, which will never happen, I will never even break NC to ever talk to her.
joseffrost Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 My suggestion? Don't change a thing. Writing poetry is not like writing a novel or an essay, it should flow naturally and to edit a poem only serves to remove the emotion from it. One thing I would say - for future poems, is not to stick so rigidly to a rhyming pentameter - you only end up restricting yourself.
silic0ntoad Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Here's one of mine, just for the hell of it. Dirge for the Heartbroken In sorrow we sway A swansong for the fallen Cut for the reckless in may I've drifted to darkness Shreds of my life drift Sunlight dappled through blinds My darkened corner opressed The love I shared now ash Sing this dirge for the heartbroken For anew, day will rise Through valleys of shadow Unlooked for comes our prize Anger mends this heart Shattered upon rocks of cruelty Absence sharpens our love A stake upon which I expire Though now seems for naught Our dreams never hindered remain Hold your scarred heart aloft Sing this dirge for the heartbroken
Collarbone Kiss Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I wrote these poems the second time (of about 6) that my Ex broke up with me and left me crushed and alone in an apartment we shared with nothing but her memories there to torture me. It was really tough for me back so I tried my best to put my feelings on paper. I showed them to her after we got back together that time and she didn't really have too much to say about them. I recently found them again and wanted to know some of your guys's opinions about them, if they make sense and you can relate to them. Let me know, thanks. _____________________________________ Every second that ticks away, I think so hard for words to say, I know that seconds turn to days, My heart aches, my mind prays, Our pasts are gone, forgotten away, We're supposed to last we'd always say, Deep inside we feared the day, When love dies and runs away. ____________________________________________________ Pain so sharp it hurts to think, Living with death without the stink, Try so hard to forget and let go, It was supposed to be but isn't so, Get on track and don't think back, Pull the dagger from your back. ____________________________________________________ Love so true if you only knew, Tears so big like lakes so blue, Eyes so deep and stares so long, Peace so comforting a lovely song, Bond so tight days and nights Forever together, always in sight. ____________________________________________________ I'm sorry for pain, i take the blame, If we both hurt, then we're the same, To hurt and be hurt for hurting, Is worse than being in fire burning, To watch cry and not react, Means you are not yet intact. ____________________________________________________ The realization just comes in, Its over, you can't win, Mask the pain but it's still there, Sitting on you, now you're the chair, Try to think of what to do, But it's over, you must pull through. ____________________________________________________ I think your poems are beautiful...Brought a tear to my eye or a few =) have a great weekend
Recommended Posts