bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It's a long story, and I've tried to handle it myself but I've realized that I'm not doing anything right. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. We got married in 2006. I met her online, while she was living in california with her family. She moved her and we lived together ever since. Things were great up until the point that I got laid off and we had to move in with my parents. Since then, things steadily declined due to my depression and unwillingness to talk about it. I blamed it on her. I took everything out on her. I made her feel worthless and good for nothing. I stopped appreciating her, stopped doing things with her. All because of my stupidity. 7 months ago, we went out to dinner. That day I'd finally worked up the courage to tell her what had been bothering me. I don't know if she believes that, even now, but it's the truth. We went out, had fun, saw some friends, and rented some movies to come home and watch. We were laying on the couch, my head in her lap, and I was falling asleep. Then she springs it on me. "I'm leaving. I'm going to stay with a friend for a while." I didn't know how to react. I was angry, upset, and yet again blamed it on her. It was the worst thing I could have done and I did it anyway. I helped her pack, and didn't see her again for a long while. The day after, I realized what I had done. I realized that I had ****ed it all up, but I gave her what I thought she wanted, which was time and space. I tried dating. It didn't work out. I only talked about my wife. Finally, I asked her to please hold off on divorce. I wanted her to think about it...us. She said she would. A little time passed and we started talking again. By this point I had changed completely. We started to hang out more often, and instead of telling her I'd changed and what I was so sorry for, I tried to show her. Labor day weekend, after asking her if she wanted to go to a friends BBQ together, she told me she was seeing someone else. My world was shattered all over again. I broke down in front of her, which is something I've never done in my life. I tried to be strong. I tried to tell her I understood, but I couldn't. Now, I've been begging, making her videos, leaving her emails, trying to convince her that I've changed, and I know the timing makes it seem like it's just because she's with someone else. But it isn't. I love this woman with all my life and I want to have kids and grow old with her. She says it's too late. She says she finds it hard to forgive me, that it's frustrating to see me act this way now when I should have then. I don't blame her. It was all my fault. I was a selfish prick. But I still want her back. So much. I can't eat, sleep, function. I don't even want to live any more. Last night I tried talking to her and it didn't help. It only made her relive what I put her through, and it ended with her crying and hanging up. The guy she was seeing was with her. I left her a bunch of voicemails, crying and incoherent. She thought I was going to kill myself, and to be honest, I was willing myself to die. I emailed her this afternoon. Again, she brought up what I did to her, and it only made things worse. I'm speaking my heart, and it's only making things worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live without her.
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 If you don't back off and keep sending emails, text and calling her, she will only hate you for it. It is only making you weak in her eyes. Do a complete turnaround right now. Go NC. It's your only chance at getting her back and if she doesn't go back to you, you will be well on your way to living life without her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hard 180 and stop chasing! let her see what she's what she's missing!!!
Author bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 If you don't back off and keep sending emails, text and calling her, she will only hate you for it. It is only making you weak in her eyes. Do a complete turnaround right now. Go NC. It's your only chance at getting her back and if she doesn't go back to you, you will be well on your way to living life without her. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can live without hearing from her. It's hard. Especially when my brain functions like it does, filling in blanks with every possible outcome. I know I should. I know that if it's meant to be, it will be. I understand all of that, but it's so hard for me. I'm lost without her in my life.
Author bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Hard 180 and stop chasing! let her see what she's what she's missing!!! How can she miss me when I treated her that badly? How can she miss me when she's moving on?
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 She's already gone and you are just living on the false hope that she will wake up one day and realize she wants you back. There is no chance of that happening if you stay in contact with her. She has someone else now for her emotional/physical needs. She is also blaming you for everything and taking no part of the blame herself for the demise of the M. All the reaching out to her is only driving her away further. Your situation looks bleak, sorry.
Enema Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 A desperate, needy, broken down man who only does the right thing when it's too late. Is there anything women find more attractive? Buddy, you f'd up and you know it. This one is over - learn your lesson for next time. If you really love this woman, you'll want her to be happy. That means with someone else!
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 How can she miss me when I treated her that badly? How can she miss me when she's moving on You can tell her 100x that you've changed.. She won't believe you because it's just words. Give her time and space, back off completely and work on you! Work on your anger issues, your communication and ego. Not relying on your wife, letting her in and taking things out on her has affected her love and faith in you. Not only do you have to take full responsibility for that, you need to seek counselling and fix this. How can she trust you? You've done this to her twice..She's scared, she's hurting and the only way she can protect herself from more pain is to distance herself from you. Are you working now? Are you still living at your parents house? Show her in actions that YOU are worthy of another chance. And when I mean show her, do this in afew months after you have some therapy under your belt. Even offer to take her with you, so she can be part of your counselling. Maybe, just maybe, if she loves you enough and hasn't buried her feelings forever, she will give you another shot. Please, until then, stop emailing her. She knows you're sorry and that you miss her.. She also knows you saying you can't live without her is out of pure emotion and desparation, a manipulation tactic to keep her in your life. All that is going to do is freak her out.
Author bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 You can tell her 100x that you've changed.. She won't believe you because it's just words. Give her time and space, back off completely and work on you! Work on your anger issues, your communication and ego. Not relying on your wife, letting her in and taking things out on her has affected her love and faith in you. Not only do you have to take full responsibility for that, you need to seek counselling and fix this. How can she trust you? You've done this to her twice..She's scared, she's hurting and the only way she can protect herself from more pain is to distance herself from you. Are you working now? Are you still living at your parents house? Show her in actions that YOU are worthy of another chance. And when I mean show her, do this in afew months after you have some therapy under your belt. Even offer to take her with you, so she can be part of your counselling. Maybe, just maybe, if she loves you enough and hasn't buried her feelings forever, she will give you another shot. Please, until then, stop emailing her. She knows you're sorry and that you miss her.. She also knows you saying you can't live without her is out of pure emotion and desparation, a manipulation tactic to keep her in your life. All that is going to do is freak her out. You're right. You're absolutely right. I am working, getting back on my feet. Yes, still at my parents house, but working on it. I do need to work on my position instead of just my feelings and my actions toward her. Show her that I want to support her. Although I know I'm not using it as manipulation consciously, I may very well be doing it subconsciously. I do take full responsibility for what I did. Thank you for the feedback. This is all helping me realize what I need to do.
65tr6 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 , she told me she was seeing someone else. My world was shattered all over again. I broke down in front of her, which is something I've never done in my life. . First of all, like others said, you must do a total 180. Change yourself completely. Also, more than likely your wife was in an affair prior to her leaving you. Oh, by the way, the fact that she is seeing someone while till being married to you is an AFFAIR. She probably used your behaviour against you to cover up her own dirty deeds. It is ok to break down in front of her. You were hurt that she was seeing someone. She love her, right ? You have lot of work to do my friend.
Author bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 First of all, like others said, you must do a total 180. Change yourself completely. Also, more than likely your wife was in an affair prior to her leaving you. Oh, by the way, the fact that she is seeing someone while till being married to you is an AFFAIR. She probably used your behaviour against you to cover up her own dirty deeds. It is ok to break down in front of her. You were hurt that she was seeing someone. She love her, right ? You have lot of work to do my friend. Heh. Don't I know it. Thanks for the advice.
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Would all the "work" be worth it in the end? She comes back and then what? She's damaged now, there is nothing to fix her. From what you have written, she has no remorse, none, and without remorse, she will not change.
Author bigwhiteseth Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Would all the "work" be worth it in the end? She comes back and then what? She's damaged now, there is nothing to fix her. From what you have written, she has no remorse, none, and without remorse, she will not change. The work will be worth it whether or not she comes back. As far as remorse, I honestly don't know if she has any or not. She doesn't want to talk much about any of it right now. That might change, and it might not, but I still need to get my life back on track.
seibert253 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Here's what I would do. Not saying everything I would do might work in your situation, but it did for me. Also, Ray Charles can see her A started before all this began. Look back and you'll recognize when she began to change, when she started to withdrawl. That's when her A started. I'll bet the farm on it. 1. Move back into YOUR home. Being away from her gives her Carte Blanche to continue with her affair. Your home is just as much yours, as it is hers. She's the one having the affair, you didn't have a say in the matter. You shouldn't have to suffer living away from your home. 2. If you don't know who the OM is, find out. If he's married or has a GF, I bet they will not be too pleased by his A. They should know. A's are all about fantasy. When the 2x4 of reality smacks the fantasy, anything can happen. Many times when a WW is thrown under the bus by the WM, it results in her having a WTF am I doing moment. Reality. 3. Consult an attorney and protect yourself legally. Have D papers drawn, but wait to file. 4. Does her family, friends, coworkers know of her A. Maybe they should. Pressure from family, friends, coworkers work great at swinging the 2x4 of reality. Your wife needs to realize that her A will have consequences on her. 4. Gather evidence of her A. Instal a keylogger on all computers she uses, get detailed billing of her cellphone. Consider installing a VAR in her car. If she's sleeping in another bedroom, especially after YOU MOVE BACK HOME, install a VAR in it. If this comes to D proceedings, you need this evidence if you file because of infedelity. 5. After you have your evidence, it's time for the confrontation. Let her know it's time she makes a decision. She can stay and work to repair this, like you've already began, or she moves out and you will D her. 6. If she chooses him, file immediately and have her served. Pack her things, and have them sitting in the front yard when she gets home from work. Oh, and don't forget to change the locks. (now legally she has just as much right to the home as you do. And legally you cannot evict her without a court order. But, she probably doesn't know this) You cannot, and will not "love her" back into the marriage. Even with all the changes you make for yourself, this all means nothing to her. She's showing the ultimate in selfishness right now. None of what you've done to this point will do anything but pizz her off. You've already seen this. Play time is over. It's time for you to stand up, be a man, and let her know you will not take this sh#t any longer.
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