truegirl Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I have been dating a guy for about a month and half. We see anoeach other about once a week. We met over the internet. The subject of dating has never come up nor have we asked each other if we are dating other poeple. I admit I went to the website where we met and to see if he had logged into his profile. I found out he has logged in the last few days. This kind of tells me he is not that serious about me or should I just plainly ask where this is going???
BCCA Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 What if he logged on to see if you did? He might very well feel the same way. Its best to avoid the automatic assumption of foul play, and just ask him where this is all going. If you dont have the 'are we exclusive' talk, you cant blame him for keeping other options open, but a simple conversation will clear all that up
Author truegirl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 On this site I can do a search without logging in, plus my profile is hidden... The talk is a must... I really like him; just don't know how to broach the subject very well...
stepka Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 This kind of tells me he is not that serious about me or should I just plainly ask where this is going???If you're only seeing each other 1x/week, then it's not time to ask where it's going--he'll just go away. Hope you're not sleeping with him.
You'reasian Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 On this site I can do a search without logging in, plus my profile is hidden... The talk is a must... I really like him; just don't know how to broach the subject very well... Face to face is the best. Go out to dinner. Drink a glass of wine with him, gradually bring up the subject - don't forget to flirt
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Don't bring up the subject- it's pressure. Women always make the mistake of initiating "the talk"... If you have to ask him where things are going, there is a problem. It could be things are going well and he's still not ready, it could be he is fishing for something he deems better. Regardless, asking is a no-no. If you're ready to get serious, keep it on the DL until he shows through actions that he is feeling more serious. If you're questioning if he's ready, that means he's not showing you he is ready... ergo, he isn't ready. It's only been a month and a half and you are only seeing each other once a week, no need to try and rush things. Men take longer than women to embrace the "C" word. That's why it's important to wait for the talk- and better yet, for him to initiate it. Just enjoy getting to know one another, have fun. I met a guy online and we dated for 2 months before he took his profile down. I never said anything, never pushed- but I checked his profile periodically. One day he just took it down and soon after initiated the talk with me. It always feels better when it happens that way. I knew before he asked that things were really good. That's what I mean when I say if you have to ask- it's just not there yet. When it hits that point you'll know. Anyway, just my 2cents- don't rush...and let him come to the conclusion that he wants to take it to the next level. If he doesn't get to that point- it isn't going to happen regardless of whether or not you bring it up. All the best.
torranceshipman Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I disagree - I think you should speak up. A girls role in dating isn't to walk on eggshells and fail to express herself around a guy so she doesn't scare him off (why should this be all about him and what he wants?) - its to be herself and be comfortable, and if she isn't comfortable, she needs to right the balance. So if she brings it up now (in a casual, flirty way as another poster said) then she'll know what is going on (good or bad) and deal with it - either way she'll know where she stands and stop worrying.
redhighheels Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I wouldn't bring up "the talk" either..Just look at his actions. Sure, some might say it's still to early to tell, give him some time and space and he'll come around and all that jazz, but the way I see it, if he's still shopping around after 6 dates then his heart is not really into it. He should know at this point if he wants to be with you or not. My bf deleted his profile after our second date and asked me to be exclusive by the fourth date. If he was just about anyone else, I would have said we rushed into it, but honestly, it all just fell into place naturally. He said he didn't want anyone else to snatch me up. That's how I knew he was for real.
Thaddeus Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I have been dating a guy for about a month and half. We see anoeach other about once a week. We met over the internet. The subject of dating has never come up nor have we asked each other if we are dating other poeple. I admit I went to the website where we met and to see if he had logged into his profile. I found out he has logged in the last few days. This kind of tells me he is not that serious about me or should I just plainly ask where this is going???He cannot read your mind. Since you only see each other about once a week and you haven't even discussed dating, neither of you are under any obligation to be exclusive unless and until you come to an agreement about it. You're holding him to a standard that you've set but you haven't told him what that standard is. And if you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know? Best to be straight with the guy so you can ensure you're both on the same page and neither of you is making an assumption.
stepka Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I disagree - I think you should speak up. A girls role in dating isn't to walk on eggshells and fail to express herself around a guy so she doesn't scare him off (why should this be all about him and what he wants?) - its to be herself and be comfortable, and if she isn't comfortable, she needs to right the balance. So if she brings it up now (in a casual, flirty way as another poster said) then she'll know what is going on (good or bad) and deal with it - either way she'll know where she stands and stop worrying. Who said anything about walking on eggshells? It's walking on eggshells when you're wondering too soon in the R where it's going. If you're only seeing each other once a week, it's not going anywhere very soon unless you live over 100 miles away from each other or something. And the thing is, if you're not comfortable in the R, then it means that you want more than what the other person wants, and should wait quietly for the other person to catch up with you, or move on. Believe me, I have learned these things thru hard experience. If a man really likes a woman, then it's obvious and if she feels the same way, then there's little discomfort, big talk or not. When me and my ex-husband began to date, there was never "the talk," but I just knew that we were exclusive, and though I tend to be insecure, I felt very secure at that time. I knew that we were headed for marriage and I was right. I'm not saying that truegirl's R isn't headed anywhere; just that it's not there yet, and it's too soon for the talk, and yes D'lish, women too often do make the mistake of initiating the talk, and then wonder why things went south so soon after that. My understanding of men (and men--feel free to tell me if I'm wrong!) is that they hate that kind of stuff. And after all, he's probably under the impression that things are going very well. Just. don't. sleep. with. him. If you haven't already. It adds big time to the insecurity. Also, torranceshipman, just out of curiosity: are you a man or a woman?
torranceshipman Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I actually agree with a lot of your points Stepka, the walking on eggshells comment referred to her sitting and wondering and feeling like she shoulnt tread on his toes by talking to the guy about things that are bothering her . She'd only scare him off if he isn't that interested and if that's the case, best she knows now as she's clearly already invested. My boyfriend and I (I'm female) were straight up aboutall this from the get go and it's a great R...I do agree, however, that there is a way to bring this stuff up and initiating a heavy talk to define status super early is just cringeworthy. My point is, if there is something bothering you, bring it up! Btw interesting you asked if I was female...people do tell me I think like a guy sometimes!
torranceshipman Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 P.s. Interestingly it was my boyfriend that initiated a chat about where we headed, and that he'd like us to be exclusive, etc, but I'd have done it if he hadn't...
Author truegirl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I have a date with him tonight... I am taking your advice and not going to have the talk... I am feeling some anxiety and little irritated with him because I went all out last weekend and put on a very romantic evening. I should not hold him to a standard that he has no idea about. For now I am going to do my best to relax and have fun....
stepka Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Let us know how it goes truegirl. Yes, relax, relax. Anxiety shows, and you def don't want that right now--keep it fun and light.
lammie Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I had the same issue before, where i dated this guy for a month via a site (he broke up with me today). i never care much about talking or meeting more guys after i met him but i knew that he was still checking everyday. Because we never had the talk, i met 2 other guys (one from site, one isn't). I only met them becaues i felt like i was entitled to. He never brought up exclusivity, didn't want to pressure him. I really liked him but that bothered me a lot. We were moving quite fast, and i had the mistake of sleeping with him too soon (which we've talked about taking it slow). When is it a good time to ask for exclusivity?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I had the same issue before, where i dated this guy for a month via a site (he broke up with me today). i never care much about talking or meeting more guys after i met him but i knew that he was still checking everyday. Because we never had the talk, i met 2 other guys (one from site, one isn't). I only met them becaues i felt like i was entitled to. He never brought up exclusivity, didn't want to pressure him. I really liked him but that bothered me a lot. We were moving quite fast, and i had the mistake of sleeping with him too soon (which we've talked about taking it slow). When is it a good time to ask for exclusivity? Please don't TJ another person's thread, but in answer to your question, most men who don't bring up exclusivity aren't looking for a relationship but for harmless fun and it's often when they get to have sex early on that they don't bother with the etiquettes of asking. To him he doesn't see the need to stir the pot any further because you're already sleeping with him.
lammie Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Please don't TJ another person's thread Hey, take it easy. I didn't mean to high jack another person's thread. This is an online discussion forum afterall and my post wasn't off topic. Sure the former part was my recent experience, situation was slightly different but was going through same emotions in my mind – should i bring it up? should i wait for him to bring it up? is it too soon to ask? My question was a general question in relation to the topic. Thanks for your enlightenment.
loveslife Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I never once thought about "the exclusivity talk" before I found this forum. I've never been with someone where we've had "the talk." In my experience, it's made pretty clear pretty early on. I have never had to ask "where is this going."
Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I agree 100% with D-Lish. I am feeling some anxiety and little irritated with him because I went all out last weekend and put on a very romantic evening. You mean you went all out for a romantic date with him? Don't fall into the common trap of believing that if you work harder to win him over, you will. You won't. Relationships have a balance of energy, and usually, if one person is putting forth more energy, the other balances out the energy by putting forth less. You should not be working hard in any way, shape, or form right now -- just enjoying.
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